To be upset that he didn't respect my wishes about taking my children out on open water

[twirlytwit]

Long story short... FIL lives in small harbour side town on south coast. There is a walled off tidal pool, with a promenade walk way which we've witness children practicing sailing in previously.
Visiting FIL for Father's Day, 2.5 hour journey by car, happy to do so, relationships are good.
He's been keen to take the children out on his two man sea kayak and small dinghy with a motor for a while. I've never really been keen - kids are 4 and 6 now so I felt too young last year to either appreciate it or do so safely.
DH and children had to go without me Fri night as I had to work Sat morning.. then follow on by train, length of trip meaning I didn't arrive until 1600.
Before going I had a chat with DH and said very clearly that I was only comfortable with him taking the children on such a small boat within this walled harbour area and organised wetsuits for them to go. I even said to him I would consider it a serious breach of trust if he ignored my wishes. Also mentioned in a text to FIL re organising wetsuits that I wasn't keen for them to go in open water.
So yesterday I arrive (Sat) the kids meet me at the train station with DH, have already been out on the boats. First thing my daughter says was 'Mummy it tipped up and I drowned'. Clearly she hadn't actually drowned! But it turns out on questioning my husband they went out in the main harbour because it was too far to walk to the walled in bit. He then said he didn't know what I was taking about about the walled in bit anyway and was generally snotty/ignorant about it.
Turns out they went out in the general harbour area, not where I asked. In the dinghy at first which did not work (motor issues), had to row it back. Whilst FIL went back for oars husband had to secure the boat by hanging off an abandoned vessel in the harbour (for long enough that's he felt his arms might fall off - his words) with two kids bobbing about in it. Then they tried the kayak and managed overload and overturn it. Thank god they had buoyancy aids on. Kids like water but not competent swimmers (weekly lessons, but daughter still in little pool). Not used to the sea. It was cold & choppier than they thought it would be, but they continued. They failed to do something up properly on the kayak and water got in so apparently 'not their fault' it was overloaded. Kids a bit upset by the shock of falling into the water but the adults shoved them back onto the kayak and had to swim in back to shore. Got them back safely but I feel by luck rather then judgement.
Not a good introductory experience for the children. I told my husband that I was cross he'd ignored my wishes but didn't wish to spoil the weekend.
Then it turns out FIL spent the afternoon fixing the motor so they can go back out today. I've just said no. Kids not even keen, yesterday put them off. Son (6) said to
Me 'daddy lied and said we were in the safe harbour bit you told us about'.
AIBU? DH now has a strop on because I've 'embarrassed him' and don't trust him and his father enough to take the kids out safely.
Alternative is we leave early as I'm sticking with no today, it's horrible weather and I don't trust them to stay in the safe area - so left it as his choice.
Am I being unreasonable and spoiling their fun? I'm not a sailor or water goer so outside of my comfort zone.

If you have to let your kids go out near or on water with these sensible gentlemen again, Id get you kids survival/immersion suits!

They float and are insulated. They also cost a fortune. But it would be better than worrying about them.

I think it would be good for the children to have a better experience of being on water. A bit like getting back on a horse. Are there no other boat trips they could do that are less risky today?

Do those suits also have anything to help locate whoever's fallen into the water? It's so easy to lose sight of someone in choppy water.

A competent person would never say 'it wasn't my fault, because water got in...'

So if everyone drowned but it 'wasn't their fault' (because not something they actively did - when in fact it was something they should have had the knowledge and skills to prevent) that would be ok then, would it?

That's the logic of a toddler. 'But I didn't mean to... Wahhhh, poor me, being told off for failing to take simple, obvious precautions.'

Yanbu about not wanting them to go, it doesn’t sound safe.

I cringed though at your 6 year old saying “daddy lied - etc” sounds like you’ve been making your point very publically about this, and it does sound like you’ve embarrassed and undermined him. Better to have these conversations with him in private and away from children an in laws.

You need life jackets like this

www.crew-safe.co.uk/acatalog/Crewsaver-Crewfit-Junior-150N-Lifejacket.html?gclid=CjwKCAjw0ZfoBRB4EiwASUMdYSMf1pvyUAPZRU39_NEHpJbjQ_2dcW_5orKGRyNHdODCGlr3iKGyaxoCDVsQAvD_BwE

Lose your shit...

They were absolutely moronic fuckwits...

This is exactly how people drown...

I grew up on the sea... Done kayaking/sailing... No way would I be taking such small kids.. Who can't swim and without life jackets... On open water with another person who is aa clueless as they are... Didn't realise the wall aroubd bit was a harbour?? I rest my case...

When I was a kid... Hot summers day at Lyme Bay.. My dad was called out twice to go and rescue sinking/overloaded dinghies, Containing small kids... Fathers full of gung ho machismo as sailing /kayaking is so safe in Open water... Morons.

And how exactly would your idiot husband feel humiliated after one /both your kids drown...??

I learnt to sail young... But with very very experienced sailors... One of coxswain of local life boat... I was never, ever put in risk of drowning.... Cos that's what morons do to people they can't reach as they're fucking clueless themselves...

With the life jacket above, our youngest fell into the water once and it was amazing, would recommend it

Oh wow. Just been for breakfast and wasn't anticipating so many responses. Was fully prepared to be told I was being a precious parent as that's how I was made to feel. I'm normally very risk averse but do let them do adventurous things that I think are age appropriate/properly supervised (forest school campfire cooking etc, climbing in a high rope facility). I'm not massively adventurous myself so aware that limits my judgement.

Thank you for honesty/feedback. Husband is normally a very good hands on parent. He didn't ask the children to lie and they haven't seen or heard us debating this issue.
Son was simply aware that I did not want them sailing outside of the wall before they went - so I can only assumed he questioned the adults on the way in and was told it was fine. He perceived that to be lie (I think he was worried I would be cross with him!).
The only thing I've asked the kids is if they actually want to go again - both said no to kayak and daughter wants to try the white dinghy again. It is one of those mini ones, barely any bigger than the blow up beach types. Kayak I think is a proper one, but the type you sit on top of rather than in.

FIL is an experienced yachtsman and is doing courses in that, has done comps and crossed the channel a few times.
Wouldn't normally have them down as reckless. But in this case... the verdict seems quite clear. I think they drastically overestimated the age/capabilities of the children. Husband ignored my wishes, FIL may have just been ignorant to them. MIL passed away 6 years ago. SIL present but can't imagine she'd voice an opinion (no oppression issues - just a close knit family who stick together).

It is in a (natural) harbour mouth but I don't know anything about the tides/currents etc or how easy it is to be dragged out to sea. Either way I'm not comfortable with it. Quite sure they used buoyancy aids that are old (belonged to FIL's father) so will definitely be more aware of that. I don't even know if the adults wore them. I don't want to know now.

They won't be given an opportunity for it to happen again as I no longer trust their judgement. Difficult thing is that son has been invited to stay over summer holidays, would massively help us with childcare but I think I'd rather take unpaid leave after today.

Thanks all. We will discuss it later when given the opportunity. Wish me luck.

Do those suits also have anything to help locate whoever's fallen into the water? It's so easy to lose sight of someone in choppy water.

I think the standard ones have a whistle and reflectors, though obviously the person has to have the ability to blow the whistle.

Most sailing jackets have a high vis hood that stands out against the water, you could always get something like that for over it, or get a suit that has a hood like that ideally.

user
That lifejacket looks good but the product description still says not recommended for children under 7.

Sorry just read the other posts, the jacket above was for us with a sailing boat, not a dinghy, / kayak sorry. maybe others more appropriate here (would recommend for a larger boat though)

OK and maybe others for younger, that is the 'junior' version, mine are around 10 / early teens

There's no suggestion in the OP that the FIL or DH grew up with boats, or have any relevant experience.

Now, FIL lives in a coastal town and has these boats. That's all.

*I don't even know if the adults wore them. I don't"

Anyone who goes on the water without at least a buoyancy aid, especially when responsible for others, is an utter idiot, sorry.

YANBU, I’d be furious. So much unnecessary risk, the outcome could have been much worse.

OP I had something similar a couple of years ago near Poole harbour, with a new dinghy and motor which failed just as the weather changed. (think the DC had proper lifejackets though)

We were trying to get back to shore and got nearly swept into the path of the chain ferry at Poole, I will never forget this and think it taught DH a lesson

He too has done yachting courses etc but things can be unpredictable and with young DC they need to be aware of their needs also. It scared mine too and when I think back I am so cross about it. So I kind of understand.

What you can do is get proper life jackets for them and if possible go with them too with one yourself? I do this most of the time.

Oh cross-post. Interesting that your DS knew which walled in area you'd meant but your DH claimed not to know.

It's not just the non-swimming status of the DC that's the issue, it's the lack of proper preparedness, safety precautions and judgement.

Plus, the inability to take responsibility for the above. A competent sailor wouldn't have allowed the canoe to become waterlogged and, if it had, would have responded with humility and by recognising the need to tighten up their own procedures. Not by saying 'not my fault the nasty sea got in, wahhh, stop picking on me!'.

Why would op going with them be any use at all? Op is not an experienced sailor - in fact has zero experience. She'd just be a(nother) liability.

As for your Poole harbour story user. God.

I don’t believe FIL is as competent as he believes he is. That is an inherent danger in itself.

The bit which concerns me is they (adults) don;t seem to be learning from yesterdays experience. I take it they are taking oars and proper lifejackets and staying in shallow waters? I mean they need to think about learning from the other experience.

Yes, the Poole incident will stay with me...I had to shout down a speed boat passing (they were all coming in from the open water) who threw us a rope and pulled us in- it was horrible. And you could see the ferry passengers watching. To be fair the weather hanged quickly and the new motor packed in at the same time which was very unlucky but it taught us a lesson.

just ask your husband which child he is going to choose to save next time he is left alone with the pair of them in dangerous circumstance

him and fil have both been utter fools and if they cannot see that, it makes everything in the future much more of a problem.

OK so I posted once about sailing in here before in the past and got advised to go with, and get trained etc. Maybe I can find the post. Was a different username