Does a messy home negatively affect a child's upbringing?

[MaryPopppins]

A friend of mine has gone away for the week and as an emergency needed me to feed her cats and let them in and out as her mum is also away and normally does it.

I've only been in her living room and kitchen before. They're both very cluttered, no space on sides anywhere. And lots of collections. But I guess I'm used to it and look past it as kids are normally running round playing and we only tend to pop in for an hour or two here and there.

But today saw the bedrooms and bathroom for the first time. And was really quite shocked and saddened.

(It's a bungalow, you have to pass the kids 2 bedrooms and the bathroom to get into the lounge and kitchen, wasn't snooping. Normally the doors are shut.)

The kids bedrooms were covered. I can't quite figure out how they get into and out of bed. And the bath was piled high with dirty washing and towels. Toilet all brown, even the seat, sink full of bath toys. Every windowsill is full of stuff so they wouldn't be able to open/close curtains etc.

If I'd seen photos online I'd assume it was of mentally unwell people or old people who needed help. (I will admit to being a germ phonic person. Quite obsessed.)

But they're smart, and the kids are smart, quite cheeky boisterous children but they're happy enough and doing fine at school.

Am I blinkered and terribly judgemental and that's a fine way to live? Will it effect the kids negatively?

I'm not concerned for their emotional well being. But I suddenly feel really sad for them seeing where they sleep/are supposed to get clean.

I was lucky to grow up in a very tidy home. My mum is very house proud and maybe I just took it for granted?

I feel like offering help would insult them. They're very capable. Maybe they're overwhelmed?

Marie Kondo is ADHD friendly decluttering because once it's done it stays done.

You do have to forgive yourself the tendency to undo systems and start stuff again and generally be crap.

And I honestly don't know if I would sustain it without DH around, though I think I'd be better now than when I was on my own.

My house stands between a 1 and a 2...1 when my husband and daughter are at school and work 2 when they are off! I hardly have any ornaments or things so it takes about a hour to clean my house!! Unless you have MH issues or health issues there is absolute no reason to live in dirt!!

I also asked one lovely friend how she managed such a lovely home and she looked at me like I was crazy and told me she had a cleaner twice a week. So like everything else in life it’s also a financial issue.

I don't agree. I was a full time single parent with two young DS's. Thursday night was 'cleaning and tidying night' for all of us. Even at age 5 they did some jobs.

90 mins of the three of us working together meant the house was clean and tidy for the weekend, I wasn't in a huge strop first thing Saturday morning when faced with a messy house and we could friends over, trips out, crafts, play and cooking at home.

We would even 'draw lots' sometimes for the jobs!

In the holidays or during a quiet Sunday sometimes I would deep clean ( perhaps every 6 weeks) and this with the weekly clean was enough to maintain a clean and tidy house.

This has created quite independent and organized young men who expect to do their share, can cook, wash, iron etc.

That's really helpful @BertieBotts. My husband has untreated ADHD (on waiting list) which definitely doesn't help matters. And although I can see what needs doing I'm run ragged working all hours under the sun and trying to keep on top off everything else that housework is often bottom of the list. But that list is very useful in order to prioritise.

And @gingerginger2 I totally relate to how difficult it is to organise and sort things out stuff properly. I always aim to do a few rooms in the summer holidays when I have more time but I try to do too much and become overwhelmed quickly. I reckon I would need 3 weeks of full-time organising and cleaning to get my house in order and who has that with work and kids?

I also have attention issues, I usually put 5 things away at a time, or I play a song and make myself clean for at least half of the song.
My DP cleans 50% or more, I usually follow, he is great at clearing, he will clean the bathroom, put away toiletries, remove dirty towels, wipes shower doors,squirts toilet, but he never scrubs the loo, sink or shower tray, I usually follow with anti bac and sponge.
Same with DC rooms, he makes beds, tidies away toys, I wipe down cupboards light switches, under the bed.
The worst part for a DC in a chaotic home, is they sometimes smell like the home, if there is dirty washing, smoking, pets, the aroma follows them.

If the kids are washed and nicely dressed, happy etc then it's probably okay. My concern would be rats and mice coming into the house

It is hard to bath DC when it is full of washing. DM used to empty the dirty washing from the bath, wash us and then put it back it, the bath must have full of bacteria mould.
I can smell damp clothes a mile off now, I put on a wash every day, or twice it takes minutes.

I consider myself a messy person, but my house is around 1-1.5 on that scale, it might occasionally hit 2 in places when I’m super busy but that’s the point I freak out and sort it.

I was a child protection social worker for over three years, for me I’d be asking people to improve their home for their children if it hit three on that scale, but dirt worse than mess (ie animal faeces, litter trays unclean, filthy carpets etc).

It can do as they get older in particular. They may become too embarrassed to invite friends over or if they do, their friends may pass comment, tell everyone at school etc.

There is a huge difference between messy and dirty though. Clutter isn’t ideal but it’s far preferable to someone having a filthy smelly home.

A clean, tidy house doesn't mean kids can't play or have fun. I don't know why people think the two go hand in hand. My house is always clean and tidy. Kids still get toys out everyday, have a room full of Lego, draw pictures and have loads of books they're always carrying around/leave around. They just pick it up at the end of the day and put them away. It's not hard.

If I cook, dh does the dishes. He cooks, I do dishes. Surfaces get wiped down. We both vacuum, floors get mopped once a week. Whoever notices the bin each day changes it. Washing goes on in cycles. I don't get what's so hard about it. Doesn't stop us having jobs, going out to dinner, seeing friends or going to the theatre. If you don't let your house get into a shit tip it's much easier to keep on top of.

Just looked through those pics and now feel really neat and tidy, the number 2 pics are very messy!

I've been thinking of this recently after seeing photos of someone's house online, seven kids living in a fairly small house. I'm not sure about the impact on the kids (unless very dirty as well as cluttered) but it would definitely have a very detrimental effect on MY mental health, which in turn wouldn't be good for the rest of my family. I'm not obsessively tidy and clean but if every single counter was cluttered and every room had stuff everywhere I wouldn't be able to stick it. I feel much calmer when things are relatively tidy.

My house is clean and tidy. I can't function in clutter. The more clutter there is, the harder it is to keep on top of tasks. My children never missed out on anything because I cleared up at the end of each day, it was much easier for them to play because everything had a place to go when they had finished and so it was available easily for the next time.

I grew up in a hovel. It was disgusting, chaotic and embarrassing. Smelly clothes, dirty floors, stuff everywhere. Who would want to bring friends into that.

people saying they have better things to do than clean or tidy are doing their children a disservice. They are children and they don't know any different but they will start noticing soon.

It doesn't have to be extremes of either a hovel or a sterile space, it's perfectly doable to have a relaxed middle ground.

I came across this article yesterday which I thought was interesting
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/15/apple-cores-down-sofa-slugs-in-sink-messy-childhood-max-liu

People saying 'well, I'd rather go to the theatre/do my Art than clean up' are no different from someone saying 'I'd rather sit on my arse and watch Loose Women, then there's the reruns of talent shows, then there's the Australian soaps, then there's Coronation Street and EastEnders'. They just like to pretend they're smarter/too good to have any involvement in basic housekeeping.

I am too smart to clean. Used to have a cleaner now can’t afford one, not fucking happy about it. It’s not lazy to have done a 40 hour week with a 10 hour commute, manage kids in between and get to the weekend and think bugger this

Yes it does. My Dad was an absolute slob, only ever attempted to tidy if his mum was visiting. It’s such a shitty environment and it’s bad parenting. I’m not just talking a bit of mess.

That article was interesting thatone I agree with mitzik- all this posturing about creating art instead of basic self care (and keeping your house clean is basic self care) is simply a ruse for either laziness, or chaos. We know that children who grow up in chaotic homes suffer in many ways. It doesn’t matter if your mum is off to the theatre or down the working mans club, the affect on the children is the same

While I believe a family house doesn't need to be spotless, children deserve to live in basic hygiene and should have space to play (as opposed to clutter everywhere). The house you describe doesn't sound like it ticks either of these boxes. The filthy bathroom sounds awful - no child or adult should live like that - and all the clutter etc sounds like a huge fire hazard.

I actually feel better now after looking at those scales I'm a very busy mum and at worst my house would be a 2.5 and that's only after being out all week, having four kids and going out early and getting In after 6 most nights. So I just don't have time. However on a weekend its usually always a 1, 1.5 sometimes I think omg this house is a mess and want to cry because my whole weekend is taken up by assignments and the kids activities. But now looking at those pictures, I felt my shoulders relax a little. Looked around and thought wow my house is actually quite clean lol!

Also yeah, I think it would effect them eventually. At a young age, I cant imagine they would realise, but as they start to grow, they will become embarrassed and uncomfortable. I still at the stage of threatening to bin bag their bedrooms though They are quite untidy, but fortunately clean.

@MitziK I think either is fine. Some people clean their bathroom every day. I think it’s ok to do every week. I’d rather do hobbies (low or high brow - sometimes it will be piano playing others Candy Crush) in the extra 15 mins a day I get by not being bothered about the bathroom being constantly spotless.

Mine is between 1 and 2. Never 3 or exactly 1.

Can people seriously live in a house that is like those pictures? From number 4 upwards I can't see how you would even be able to walk around the house, let alone do simple things like take a bath or make a simple meal.

I grew up in a cluttered and dirty house, It was always fairly dirty with grease, dust, crumbs etc growing up, as I guess my parents just didn't clean often.

I now have a fairly minimal house. Toy clutter is fine with me whilst in use, but I would expect it to be tidied up each evening before bed

People saying 'well, I'd rather go to the theatre/do my Art than clean up' are no different from someone saying 'I'd rather sit on my arse and watch Loose Women, then there's the reruns of talent shows, then there's the Australian soaps, then there's Coronation Street and EastEnders'. They just like to pretend they're smarter/too good to have any involvement in basic housekeeping

I agree completely.