To think sharing night wakings can be so important?

[Bumpitybumper]

Whenever I see a thread posted by a SAHM or woman on maternity leave complaining that their partner does not get up enough with their child in the night, there will inevitably be a number of posters that express the view that the working partner's sleep should be preserved above all else and basically the mother should willingly push herself to the point of exhaustion. The logic is always that the working parent needs a full night's sleep because they work and I have seen this extended to all jobs, not just those that are physically/mentally demanding or those that are safety critical. The OPs of these threads are usually absolutely knackered, desperate for some support and I do wonder what it would take for some people to accept that a person still needs a certain amount of sleep to safely function as a human and parent even if they don't need to go to work the next day

I then read this story:www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7142159/Mother-jailed-killed-grandmother-car-crash-fell-asleep-wheel.html

For those not wanting to click, it's basically a really sad story about a mother who killed a woman as a result of falling asleep at the wheel of her car following a disrupted night of sleep with her child. I think the mother in this instance was back at work, but it really highlighted the importance of making sure that the interrupted sleep that children bring is shared between parents wherever possible in a way that makes sure that both parties can carry out their activities and duties in a safe way. Realistically SAHPs and women on maternity leave will do loads of things that require a decent level of concentration (driving, walking to town, supervising kids etc) and it is in everyone's interests to make sure that they aren't unintentionally falling asleep or losing focus whilst undertaking these activities.

Totally agree. Looking after a newborn / baby is one of the highest levels of responsibility. You're keeping an entirely dependent human being alive. Sleep deprivation could easily make you pass out/ fall asleep at the wheel / fall asleep holding the baby and accidentally suffocate him or her / fall asleep while baby is crawling and comes to harm unsupervised / clumsier so more prone to injuring yourself or baby. It is NONSENSE to say that the working partner "needs" more sleep. I too bf-ed but DH would take over as soon as he got in from work so I could nap, he'd let me have both lie ins at the weekend and if baby was awake and not feeding (which did happen regularly as DS is a crap sleeper), he'd happily take over for a bit then too. Obviously both partners need to sleep but it should be done fairly - so often I read on here, for example, that the working partner gets a full night's sleep every night and also both weekend lie ins because he works. That is bollocks and totally unfair.

DH and I used to share night feeds and I was a SAHP!

Not popular on mumsnet but that is how we coped

I agree that the story doesn’t really illustrate anything apart from no one should drive when tired.

I BF so have generally done the night wakings,

My DH is SE so I don’t care anymore but with our first I was terrified he’d be too tired to perform in his role and get sacked, and we obviously needed the money he earned whilst I was on maternity leave

Hmm I was a single mum from the start with all of mine so I had no choice but to do them all. I was bf anyway so would have been doing them all regardless

I'm on maternity leave and have sleep issues. DH wasn't covering nights with work the next day but as I've been struggling so much he has been (luckily baby is pretty good at night now). If I have barely slept I don't drive anywhere and stay in. Yes it's occasionally a bit miserable to stay in but I'm not driving if I don't think it's safe for me to do so. Usually I prefer to stay in when I'm that tired anyway

My dh always shared night feeds/wakings, probably more than me tbh instigated by him. Yes I'm a sahm but from his point of view his rest and alertness isn't anymore important than mine.

@Passthecherrycoke
I agree that the story doesn’t really illustrate anything apart from no one should drive when tired
What about a mother that needs to drive to do the school run? Should she just let her kids miss school because she's exhausted? What about the mother that needs to get her baby to the doctors for their immunisations? Of course nobody should drive when they are exhausted but there are lots of reasons why someone could feel that they have no other choice, especially if they are constantly exhausted so it's not like they could rearrange appointments to a time when they weren't so tired.

Also it is incredibly unsafe to be that exhausted whilst performing other duties too. Even a mother cradling a baby on a chair can become very unsafe if she was to drop off to sleep...

DH was willing to share but I have the boobs, so no point us both getting up. Also if DS had a bad night I'd choose not to drive the next day if I was tired. I'd walk to the local shop if I need anything, jump on a train to see a friend, ask DM to change plans and visit rather than meet elsewhere etc. DH did do mornings from about 6-8:30 when he had to leave for work and evenings when he wasn't working late I could go to bed at 8-12 he would just bring me ds if he needed a feed, but we all know not every wake is for a feed. Once back to work it will be split, if I want going back I would deal with any night waking, e
but so far ds sleeps through most nights, occasionally stirs around half nine/ten and DH settles him, fingers crossed the sleeping continues.

I was able to fall straight back asleep after feeding baby. Dh would be awake for hours after interrupted sleep. So l did night waking...was breastfeeding anyway. But l did go to bed very early some nights and dh kept baby downstairs so those uninterrupted sleeps meant a lot.
Also he took baby on weekend mornings so l could lie on.
So overall it worked well

Those examples are no different to the WOTH parent driving to work down the motorway though OP. What’s the solution? Stick in the ear plugs and neither of them
Get up so they can be assured of safe driving the next day?

My dh has always worked full time, we have had 2 bad sleepers and dh would do overnight wakeup Friday through to Sunday. I would do the rest of the week. He suggested it himself after seeing me struggle after my section with our dd. It helped beyond belief, the support from him made me feel more like my normal self and meant I could actually enjoy parenting as opposed to just being so tired all of the time.

Definitely more difficult if the mum is breastfeeding but there is always an option of expressing for night feeds and handing to dad ( not all babies would go for this). Or supporting mum by taking baby after morning feed so you get a bit of a lie in. I feel some women enable men to just opt out of night awakening by taking baby into another room etc. which might work ok whilst you are on maternity leave but is bloody difficult if mum goes back to work. Also a lot of women tend to just soldier on, sometimes you just need to ask or demand help.

@Passthecherrycoke
Those examples are no different to the WOTH parent driving to work down the motorway though OP. What’s the solution? Stick in the ear plugs and neither of them
Get up so they can be assured of safe driving the next day?
I think my proposed solution is pretty obvious as it's the title of this thread, parents can share night wakings especially when they are at a level that would lead to exhaustion if undertaken by solely by one parent.

I find it strange that you jump to suggesting ear plugs before considering the fact that both parents could share the load

But then you’re both tired. That isn’t a solution

People raising the point that she shouldn't have driven if she was so tired - perhaps that just proves OP's point. People make poor choices when they're that tired.

These discussions always go sideways because people compare to their own experience. So you get people whose babies slept okay saying things like “yes but if you’re tired on mat leave you can just have a pyjama day!”, not realising that if you’re constantly getting so little sleep you’re actually hallucinating, wearing pyjamas is not going to fix it.

But then you’re both tired. That isn’t a solution

It is, if it means you’re both a bit tired rather than one being well-rested and one so exhausted they’ll put lives in danger.

@Passthecherrycoke
But then you’re both tired. That isn’t a solution
There is a huge difference between being a bit tired and being completely exhausted to the point where you could fall asleep at the wheel of a car. Sharing the load will mean both parents will have a compromised sleep, but at least each parent is guaranteed to get a few hours under their belt.

So this horrible accident caused by an exhausted mother back at work should encourage more working parents to share the exhaustion and put them at risk?

Are you for real?

I chose to let my DH sleep whilst I was on maternity leave. It made complete sense. You do what is best for you, but your thread is stupid.

When my pup was a newborn we both woke. My husband changed the nappy and I then fed the baby. After a while when it was just a case of quick tit then back to sleep, why would my husband need to get up? Pointless.

Agree. I am bf DS2 but whenever he did not easily settle after a feed or if the waking was not out of hunger we would share dealing with him. We generally do hour blocks at a time. DS1 was bottle fed and in the early days DH would have baby until midnight and then sleep until 5.30 before taking over for an hour before he had to go to work. I’m incredibly grateful that he turned out to be willing to pull his weight!

Mine did through the night on Fri and Sat when her came in from work
I was sahm so could nap when baby did.
It is stupid though, my dh is a musician and was coming home at night so could do it.
I wouldn't have expected him to do during the week, but he would offer if I was knackered or ill.

I think what people who didn't share nights don't get us that it is much less exhausting to split it up and both get some disruption and some decent sleep than it is for one to be totally rested and one dead on their feet.

Unless one of you is an abusive addict then I don't believe there is any couple ever where it is truly safer to have one parent never do a night shift.

I bf all of our kids but we always shared nights. At different points of the baby days we did different ways of splitting things up eg

• DH got baby, changed nappy then gave to me to feed
• I did wakings through evening to midnight and DH did midnight until morning
• DH did older child/ren and I did baby

These were all better options than me getting no sleep whatsoever and DH being well rested.

Also he has an amazing relationship with his children, and they are happy to be comforted by either of us in the night because he has been there from the start and they have an equal relationship with us both.

I wish people would give sharing night shifts a go before dismissing the idea just because their partner is working or they are breastfeeding.

Disclaimer: I know in some cases it really isn't possible to share nights especially if there is only one parent at home, but I refuse to believe this is virtually every mum I've met.

I did all the night feeds dh got up first few weeks and made me a cup of tea and went back to sleep . He was breast fed

No way in this planet would my Ds settle with dh . He would scream if ex walked in the room at night.

I left ex just before my Ds was 1 . I did it all . He didn’t sleep through till 4

@MorondelaFrontera
So this horrible accident caused by an exhausted mother back at work should encourage more working parents to share the exhaustion and put them at risk
The accident was caused by an exhausted mother who had been awake all night with her child. She wasn't driving as part of her job so what does it matter if she was back at work or not? The point is that no-one should be so exhausted that they risk unintentionally falling asleep at the wheel of their car. An obvious way to prevent exhaustion is to share night wakings with the other parent so you can be sure that everyone gets enough to sleep to carry out their daily activities safely. That may well create two tired parents but it should prevent either from becoming dangerously sleep deprived.

It's not just driving before you suggest that these women should just stay at home or take alternative transport. Nodding off whilst doing mundane tasks such as cooking or holding a baby can be seriously dangerous.

I chose to let my DH sleep whilst I was on maternity leave. It made complete sense. You do what is best for you, but your thread is stupid

What SushiGo said!!!