As a married/ partnered woman, what is acceptable to you?

[operationsunshine]

What is acceptable to you regarding your husbands/ partners contact with women in general or friendship .
Do you trust him entirely or is there a limit to their contact that you will not accept ?
Following on from a couple of threads in ' relationships'

I lost a male best friend when we were younger. He met his gf and we cooled off. They split and he returned to being my mate. Then they got back together and I barely heard from him again. I saw him on a night out (without her, but with her friends) and got the Hackiest of looks off them. That’s the last time I saw him. I’ve still to this day never met her, but they’re happily married with kids, so I guess he chose wisely. Would have been possible to have us both in my eyes though, and I’d never have let a bloke make me ditch him like that.

No limits, I trust him to make the right judgement in situations. He isn't a cheater, and 99% sure he'll not have an affair.

His life will change.

You friendship, will change.

Things changes when you get into s relationship.

This relationship wont work he is lying to her. Chances are that she already know he has lied which is why she is insecure.

Life does change when you get into a relationship. Even is it because you have slightly less spare time. And need to spread what you do have amongst friend and the new partner.

I get him bot wanting anything to change. But lying to achieve that instead of being honest, isnt ok.

I totally get that you dont have romantic feelings for him. Though you age and his doesnt rule that out at all.

But I do think you enjoy being the primary female relationship in his life, maybe a little too much. Not cause you fancy him, because you life the importance you have in his life makes you feel good.

Unfortunately it doesnt make his girlfriend feel good.

One of my oldest and closest friends is a man. I have known him for longer that I have known DP, we lived in the same house at university, he has seen me at my best and at my very worst. Our friendship is completely non-negotiable and DP is very well aware of this. Fortunately, they get on very well.

It would, therefore, be completely hypocritical for me to have any issues with DP having female friends.

The reasons I am ok with this are:

• my husband is completely true, honest and absolutely reliable. He would never be unfaithful.

You would hope he wouldnt , but you really can not state tha he never would . I have known quite a few people who have had affairs, when them would have said its something they would never do

I think in most cases of friendship, the woman says she never would, it would be like incest but a man would would rarely turn down a shag if his friend offered.

DH best friend is a lady.

He goes to stay with her and her husband without me sometimes.

Interesting topic and I know people tend to instantly say ‘I trust him completely’ but I would be interested to know at what point you would find a friendship a bit uncomfortable?

I do trust DP but I feel he can often not be the most socially aware and so could end up in a situation where he leads someone on or doesn’t realise how something could look from another perspective. So for example, going to a quite ‘datey’ restaurant with a female friend who is single on a Saturday night. Not necessarily anything to panic about but it just doesn’t sound or look great does it? If one of our mutual friends saw this they may be a bit confused.

How do people also feel about female friends who are made whilst you are in the relationship rather than long term friends e.g from school or university? I know I would definitely feel more comfortable about old friends.

Just interested as to where people draw the line between ‘totally fine’ and ‘come on...’

I personally wouldn’t get myself into a situation I thought could potentially be leading someone on or where I knew my partner might feel a bit uncomfortable as they don’t know the person etc.

DH works with several women of varying ages. It isn't an issue.
He has no female friends that are not wives, partners or family members.

I'm all for male and female friends for both but she should be included, why isn't she being?

She should also be first in the queue and it's a bit odd how you describe it as an intense relationship between you/him. Mates fine yes, hang out with but you are making it sound like you have as much contact as you would if you were in a relationship with him.

Doesn't sound as if he is that serious about her, maybe that is the problem - she is picking up on this? his words don't match his actions maybe?

Maybe share your time more with your own family and other friends so lessening the intensity between you but still being mates.

It seems that the posters who are most against the idea of platonic honest friendships are those who think i have an ulterior motive . Hardly surprising nor is it coincidental

So now you're snarky because some people have said you need to back off and he's not treating his gf that well. You are clearly not happy to cede any ground, and you sound competitive and somewhat smug that he's lying to her to facilitate your friendship. That's the problem, not that he has a friend. Re your relative ages, irrelevant. I've seen a handsome man in his 30s have a relationship with a woman in her late 60s, he was friends with her son. She was old for her age, both in appearance and outlook. It was bizarre but it's not unheard of.

while he may be lying by omission, I think he is doing this to give himself an easy life and build up their trust as a couple

How ironic.

In general op, you sound rather overinvested.

How come you and he have never gotten into a relationship?

Would you have had if the opportunity arose?

@NaturalBornWoman

So now you're snarky because some people have said you need to back off and he's not treating his gf that well. You are clearly not happy to cede any ground, and you sound competitive and somewhat smug that he's lying to her to facilitate your friendship. That's the problem, not that he has a friend.

Completely agree with this. The OP sound smug, snarky, and sneery, and appears to be taking great satisfaction in the fact that she is causing trouble in the relationship with her male 'friend' and his new girlfriend.

@operationsunshine

Why not just admit you fancy him and you are threatened by, and jealous of his new girlfriend? Even if you ARE married, it is clear you think of this friend of yours as more than just a friend.

I wonder what your husband thinks of this friendship between you and this male friend.......

I also wonder (like a few other posters,) why your male friend's girlfriend is being left out all the time. You are just like many other women, who have a close male friend.......... they are NEVER friends with his partner/wife, and they don't WANT to be.

I wonder why........... ???

I think 1:1 friendships with the opposite sex (assuming heterosexual) need some caution. For me, meeting up for lunch and a laugh/catch up is fine. Evenings with wine alone and sharing emotional intimacy isn’t.

@Ivestoppedreadingthenews

I think 1:1 friendships with the opposite sex (assuming heterosexual) need some caution. For me, meeting up for lunch and a laugh/catch up is fine. Evenings with wine alone and sharing emotional intimacy isn’t.

Yeah this. ^

Yet some women on MN seem to be perfectly OK with their DH/long term partner having a close relationship with another woman, (even if they don't know the woman themselves,) and are cool with them being alone together, sharing secrets, and staying away together. (So they say!)

In real life, I have not ever met a woman who would be OK with this. Nor a man (if the roles were reversed...)

I think a lot depends on the personality of the person. DH has two best friends, one male friend and me. His other friends he sees occasionally to go fishing/drinking with but very very occasionally. Two or three times a year. They are all busy with their own lives/families. He has some colleagues that he has lunch with sometimes, talks about things other than work and in the past have become friends of his. But he's a private person, not into people as such. If he was talking a lot with a woman he would be 100%, without a doubt, having an affair. Other people are more friendly and outgoing, they need the closeness of friendship, so I couldn't say that would be the case for them.
My male friends and his female friends became less close as the years passed, as they and us got into relationships. In longer established relationships I would think it's unusual and a bit odd to have a friend that's closer to you than your own partner. But again that might just be my experience.

OP, I think you just need to back off, to be honest.
Women who hang around other women’s partners and husbands and make a big play of how they are “best friends”, “I was there first” and this kind of thing, can unfortunately come across as a bit desperate and unhinged. Don’t put yourself in that role. Don’t be the “meat in the sandwich.” Focus on your own husband and let him focus on his relationship. The truth is, it’s none if your business. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you sound unrealistic in your perceptions and expectations.

@Pa1oma

Women who hang around other women’s partners and husbands and make a big play of how they are “best friends”, “I was there first” and this kind of thing, can unfortunately come across as a bit desperate and unhinged. Don’t put yourself in that role. Don’t be the “meat in the sandwich.”

Focus on your own husband and let him focus on his relationship. The truth is, it’s none if your business. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you sound unrealistic in your perceptions and expectations.

All of this. I feel embarrassed for these kind of women to be honest. They come across (as you say) as clingy, desperate, and needy... And they always slag off their male friend's girlfriend. Jealous obviously.........

And as I said, they never seem to want to know the woman either. Weird eh???

I find this one a bit odd, because she is married, and yet seems weirdly obsessed with this particular male friend.

@crazyasafox your words have hurt me more than you know . I am as far from that description as you can imagine . I have said over and over that he is a platonic friend that I have absolutely no interest in other than a friend. I am not attracted to him whatsoever . In fact when someone alluded to it like being incestuous, they hit the nail on the head . I cannot repeat myself any longer
I can't say any more on the friendship than that other than to repeat what I typed upthread, being that I will be pulling way back .
I have not met his girlfriend because of distance . That is simply the only reason .
My friendship with him is as important as the other significant friendships in my life which is why I started this post ... what is acceptable and what is not.
He has had years of disappointments and let downs . I am delighted for him but not so delighted with the problem she seems to have with me or our friendship and I am protective of us as friends. I had hoped that their relationship and her insecurities would not affect us.
After reading through it all, I realise that I need to make that decision to pull away kindly .
Thanks for your thoughts and opinions on all of this. It made for interesting reading and helped me to see clearly , the other perspective .

@operationsunshine

MY words hurt you?

I wasn't the one who said it. I was agreeing with someone else who was saying it. And a few others said it too

Thanks for pointing the finger at me though. Nice deflection there.

I do respect that you’ve taken the advice on board OP and yes, the decision to “pull away kindly” is the right one - for your own self-respect as well as his and hers. Life shifts, circumstances change and what can you do?

@operationsunshine

If the words and points on here from me AND half a dozen or so others (about how inappropriate and wrong your behaviour is,) have made you take stock though, and think about your behaviour, and how it is affecting others, then it can't be a bad thing eh?