As a married/ partnered woman, what is acceptable to you?

[operationsunshine]

What is acceptable to you regarding your husbands/ partners contact with women in general or friendship .
Do you trust him entirely or is there a limit to their contact that you will not accept ?
Following on from a couple of threads in ' relationships'

On the other side of it, someone who decides to cheat will do so: no amount of controlling, nagging, clinging and spying will stop them. And if someone is not inclined to cheat but you whine and cling and snoop anyway, they will dump you, and it will serve you right.

I don’t think it has to be one or the other in this case.

Of course people aren’t property and no amount of controlling someone will stop them from cheating.

However, people also have a right to know where they stand and not have their time wasted or be dicked about by a selfish arsehole. I don’t want to be cheated on or treated like an idiot while a guy eats his cake and has it too, plus I wouldn’t want the stress of wondering if he’s lying / fabricating etc.

Either you trust your partner - or you don't.

I have male and female friends, as does my DH. We both go for coffee, meals etc. My BF has even stayed over when I wasn't there.

I do understand that Trust takes time to develop, but lack of it is like a cancer. It will eventually eat you alive.

My guess is that she is jealous.

I wouldn't like this. For that reason I've never been in a relationship with a man who has such a very intimate relationship with a female friend. Most men would not like their wives having that relationship with a man.

Are you exes? Flirtatious phase or ONS in your distant past but "just friends" now?

Tbh all the friends who's husbands/ partners have maintained this type of friendships have turned out to be cheats, and the friendship often turns into an emotional affair if not an actual affair as soon as the couple are out of the honeymoon phase/ disagree on anything fundamental/ have a couple of kids and are in the rather grim sleepless unrelenting phase of money worries and parenting small kids and juggling work and no babysitters - only "friend" understands poor old husband...

If she's unhappy with the relationship she should leave him. Nobody can tell anyone who to be friends with, but both you operationsunshine and your friend are second rate relationship choices for anyone else, your friendship is always going to be a stone in the shoe of anyone wanting a serious exclusive long term relationship with either of you, and potential partners would be well advised to give both of you a swerve.

If you're unhappy in the first year of a relationship, with anything whether reasonable or unreasonable, just leave, end it. The first year should be heady - it'll never be that dizzily perfect again. If it's not dizzily perfect for her because of you, she should ditch him and find someone without this specific type of baggage.

Trusting your partner and being okay with certain behaviours are two different things, you can trust your partner but not want them spending a lot of time & effort on one other person, that's why it's so important to communicate and let each other know your boundaries.

I think a good rule I've seen suggested before is if it's something you wouldn't mind your partner seeing/reading then it's fine, hiding your relationship whatever the reason will always come across as very dodgy.

I'm always surprised at the MN line on male/female friendships when married. My DH doesn't go out on his own with other women.. I actually don't know of any of my friends' husbands who do either.

I don't think I'm controlling but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️Just assumed it's not what you do once you're married. I don't really see my male friends from uni or whatever either.

DH has a few close female friends - one in particular. I'm fine with it. He doesn't fancy her, she doesn't fancy him.
The others are all in relationships, and they tend to be friends we know as a couple.
He did used to flirt with one of my friends when we first got together, and I did find that a bit weird. However, I knew neither of them would actually do anything about it, so I gave myself a shake. She's happily married now, and so are DH and I, and somewhere along the way they stopped flirting

I was completely fine with several of my exes having close female friends and even encouraged my last parter to keep up a close friendship when he was letting it slide. I drew the line though when he arranged a cosy dinner and opera with a woman who just started at his company. I think he was putting feelers out for a new relationship at that point and we didnt last much longer after that.

I don't own my husband. He can be friends with whomever he chooses.

I was very good friends with a man once. He used to come for dinner, we'd socialise together, we were very close. He met a lovely woman (whom he's now married to).

When it became serious between him and his gf I naturally and gently backed away. She's his number one now, not me, and there was no way I was going to scupper their chances by insisting our friendship stayed as prominent as it had been.

We're still friends but it's more casual now.

100% what @anothernotherone said

My DP doesn’t really have any female friends. I have a couple of male friends but both are gay and I’ve known them since school. I had an ex with more female friends than male and I was fine with that.

It would depend on a lot of factors but the main two are whether the whether the friendship predates our relationship and whether I think the woman is more attractive than me.

I would think it was inappropriate if he met an attractive woman playing sport and starting going out for dinner 121, for example.

I don't think it is a case of either trusting your partner or not. I think there should be boundaries with opposite sex friends and not the only boundary is shagging. If you are spending a lot of intimate time together, feelings can develop and you can get emotionally entangled and that can damage your relationship whether you set out with that intention or not.

I’m far too lazy and platonic to be bothered farting about in his friendships. If he cheats he made that choice on his own and that’s that. His coworker at work fancies him and it’s hilarious, if he was gunna shag her he would do it whether I was angry or didn’t care so no, he can do whatever he wants besides the obvious

WELL...a pet subject of mine as my ex had an emotional affair with a 'friend'. They are now together.

I must point out that for the 9 years I was with my ex I'd never previously had any issues with female friends at all. Likewise I have male friends. It didn't even cross my mind that he could be unfaithful until this specific person came on the scene and red flags popped up about their 'friendship' within a few months. I thought he was completely honest and trustworthy. If we were going to break up, I was sure it would have been over something else, not unfaithfulness.

It truly knocked me, his family and work colleagues for six that he was a liar and had turned into someone we no longer knew.

Going forward, it will be hard for me to put my trust in a man again with regards to female friendships unless everything is 100% open and transparent.

I don't think it is a case of either trusting your partner or not. I think there should be boundaries with opposite sex friends and not the only boundary is shagging. If you are spending a lot of intimate time together, feelings can develop and you can get emotionally entangled and that can damage your relationship whether you set out with that intention or not.

This ^

I trust my husband as much as I could trust another human. There are no certainties in life and he's as capable of cheating as anyone I guess. That being said, I wouldn't seek to control his friendships. If he crosses a line at any point, that's on him and nothing to do with me not attempting to control him.

There has never been anything physical/ flirty/ inappropriate between us. We are friends. End of.he has supported me through the most awful times in my life and celebrated the highs of life with me too as I have him. That's where it ends . He is a event and a good person. I think that he really likes his girlfriend but will not be told what to do or who he can see and not see , by anybody . He is fiercely independent and loyal and while he may be lying by omission, I think he is doing this to give himself an easy life and build up their trust as a couple. He is an outgoing popular person withbloads if friends, male and female , but because we also work together and share the same taste in the arts , we have up until now atleast, spent a lot of time together . He does not want to change his life for anyone , he has said this to her . He sees her as a positive addition to his life not a replacement , his words . He is terribly independent.
I think I'll edge away slightly. I would be sad to lose the friendship but am happy he has finally found someone who accepts him exactly the way he is .he has never had much luck in the romantic stakes and doesn't want to lose this girlfriend.

I'm happy for my DH to have female friends, totally unbothered by it. TBF, pretty much all of his female friends are our mutual friends that are all coupled up, so I know them all really well anyway. I'd like to think I wouldn't be bothered if he had a female friend that I didn't know who he hung around with, but it's possible I might feel a bit annoyed (irrationally!). DH has always said he feels more comfortable around women than men - he finds women funnier, more genuine and easier to talk to than men. If you trust your partner completely then it shouldn't matter who they are friends with.

My DP has a few female friends that he keeps in touch with on facebook, one particular friend he talk's to on the phone every 2 week's i have no problem with that, i would have a problem if he was seeing a female friend for dinner, not that i don't trust him i just think in my opinion it's not what couple's in a long term relationship should do

I think you need to meet her or more importantly her meet you.
You can then tell her how happy she makes him and you are pleased for your friend.
If she doesn't accept it, then it sounds like he will make his own mind up.

Also, the posts where people are saying they wouldn't want their DP's befriending someone that they feel is more attractive than them - I find that insane! People are attracted to others in all sorts of ways, not just in looks. Personality, things in common, sense of humour etc.... Looks aren't the be all and end all of relationships.

I'm happy for DP to have female friends as I love having male friends. If you trust them then that's everything.

"While he may be lying by omission, I think he is doing this to give himself an easy life and build up their trust as a couple"

Really?

Trust built on lies to give himself an easy life?

She doesn't accept him exactly as he is, because he is lying to her so she doesn't know who he is really.

Does it suprise you he's taken a long time to find someone?

The thing is operationsunshine it's not up to you to manage his relationship for him by backing away.

None of this is on you, it's on him.

Fair enough, he won't be told what to do and who to see, he's independent - great.

But if he doesn't naturally want to spend time with her rather than you, if he naturally lies to her by omission for an easy life, if they've fought over your friendship and his solution is to lie about it, he's a really crappy boyfriend/ partner.

It's not on you, it's on him - but his girlfriend is putting up with an unsatisfactory, substandard relationship in which she's lied to and they're not long together.

She'd be well advised to break up with him and find someone who treats her better, but she doesn't have all the facts because he's lying to her.

I trust my current partner completely. A very good female friend of his lives in another country and I have no issue with him going over there for a few days without me, the only things I expect are: no sharing a bed anymore (they used to platonically because her air bed is shite) as it’s just not appropriate now and we still check in with each other as we usually do. As in not all day long, just a hi how’s your day going? Like we normally do.

He agrees with this when I see my friends. It works well. We wouldn’t last if either one of us started lying to the other about who we were talking to. If my male friends were lying to their girlfriends about speaking to or spending time with me I’d be strongly advising them to stop that or end the relationship as it’s not fair and it’s not healthy.

He does not want to change his life for anyone , he has said this to her . He sees her as a positive addition to his life not a replacement , his words . He is terribly independent.

But when you enter into a relationship there has to be give and take and mutual respect. This will include changing or adapting to a degree. Its called compromise. He can't just carry on as if he is single if he expects to have a meaningful relationship with someone. Ignoring their feelings.
The fact he is lying to her (by omission) in order to maintain his effectivly single lifestyle is pretty pathetic. No wonder she is getting doubts. Why hide something if there is nothing going on?

while he may be lying by omission, I think he is doing this to give himself an easy life and build up their trust as a couple.

Can't you see the contradiction here?