As a married/ partnered woman, what is acceptable to you?

[operationsunshine]

What is acceptable to you regarding your husbands/ partners contact with women in general or friendship .
Do you trust him entirely or is there a limit to their contact that you will not accept ?
Following on from a couple of threads in ' relationships'

That sounds as if he limits them to suit you......

Nah, he chose me.

He’s 50. I’m 42. He’s husband number 3 and works away mon-fri.

We are very relaxed and have lots and lots of trust.

He doesn't tell her the level of contact as she freaks out for absolutely no reason at all!

DH has a few very close female friends. 2 he previously worked with and others he's met through hobbies or known for decades.

I never give a second thought to the fact the friends are female when he's arranging to meet them.

He sometimes goes to stay with one of them for a day or 2, or she'll stay here occasionally, as she lives quite a way from us now (with her DP who doesn't mind at all either, as far as I know).

As others have said, men (or women) won't 'stray' just because they have a friend of the opposite sex. There's more to starting an affair than simply opportunity.

I do wonder how people who object to close same sex friends would feel if they were gay? Would women insist that their partner only had male friends? Not sure how it would work...

My husband has many female friends through work and hobbies, I have no issue what so ever. It's never crossed my mind that he'd be anything other than friend's with any of them. We've never been one of them couples who have trust issues though, even from the very start getting together at uni when there were plenty of attractive single people floating about I never had an issue. I have friend's who would have serious issues if their other half so much as went for lunch with someone of the opposite sex. I've never understood that kind of thinking.

This is an odd one.

I have always maintained friendships with the opposite sex are fine.

But lately in real life and on mn I have seen a huge influx of women who have very strong feelings for their Male best friend, wont reduce contact, wants to confess their feelings to the friend hoping the friend picks them.

I have never had romantic feelings for any of my Male friends so I am a bit on the fence. I know its possible. But seems very often one or the other develops feelings.

OP in your case I would be backing off. I would not be happy being in a friendship, knowing my friend was lying about the contact we had.

If he believes her complaints are not ok, he should be upfront with her anyway and if the relationship isnt meant to be it's not meant to be. Rather he is lying to he can do what he wants. Not a situation I would want to be involved in.

I wouldn’t have any issue with friendship with women so long as it was appropriate (not flirty or with sexual undertones) and it didn’t impinge on our life together. To be fair, I’d feel the same about a friendship with a man. If my dh was spending more time with a friend and putting more effort into a friendship than our relationship, that would be an issue. It would also be an issue if that friendship wasn’t out in the open (we didn’t all spend time together sometimes).

My dh has several good female friends (who he’s known longer than me). Actually it was something that I found really attractive when we first met. If that many women think he is a genuinely good guy (and not because they were hooking up, because they were truly just good friends), that has to say a lot about him, which has proven true. But those friendships don’t impede on family life together. We all hang out together, including with their partners and children. It’s all very above board.

So you feel It's up
To me to pull away from this friendship? In order to protect it or In Order to allow his to flourish.
?

I don't think anyone has said that? Tbh their relationship is nothing to do with you, just keep on keeping on and leave that up to him. But I would be noting his willingness to be devious for an easy life.

My best friend is a man, we've been close since we were 17 and my husband has known him for as long as we've been together, which is a long long time. He's the one I go to with anything and everything, and vice versa. His partner is fab, I love her to bits, and she has no problem with me. Likewise, my husband has no problem with my best friend. If either of them did, that would cause an issue much wider than who I'm allowed to be friends with.

I think the harm comes when people imagine that their OH will have a problem, so instead of being upfront and honest they 'manage' the situation on their partner's behalf by minimising or hiding things. Then their partner will sense there's something not quite right, because why hide things otherwise? Before long, paranoia sets in and phones get checked and lies are uncovered and it turns into a huge deal. Then it's the classic 'you can't see them anymore' and all sorts of fallout comes from that.

My closest friend outside of my DH is a guy. We share a hobby and spend loads of time together on our own and with other people. It has never been an issue with DH. I have had crushes on several men since we got together 15 years ago but would never pursue a physical or emotional affair.

DH goes out 2 or 3 nights a week and would have more than enough opportunity to have an affair if he wanted to but I trust him implicitly.

I am a great believer that we get different things from different people in life and that my close friendships, be they with men or women, make me a better person and a better wife.

The lying is going to be the problem here. The only way to deal with these situations is to be honest, open and upfront. Best thing to do is to arrange to meet up all together, and make an effort to get on with his girlfriend.

I do make an effort with all my male friend's girlfriends/wives (I pre-date all of them), and we've usually ended up being quite friendly ourselves. I think they see my DH's acceptance of the friendship too and that helps them realise that it's ok.

So you feel It's up To me to pull away from this friendship? In order to protect it or In Order to allow his to flourish.

Both. If she is just the sort of person that kicks off about any contact, it will become obvious and probably end.

It will also avoid ending up in a 'me or her situation'

But honestly, i would be backing off because if my best friend was lying to her partner all the time, I wouldnt like it. Especially if the lies involved me. I would view her differently and wouldnt want to be dragged into their relationship issues. Nor would I want a best friend that thinks it's ok to lie to people for an easy life/get what he wants.

I would be backing off for me.

My husband has quite a few female friends, two of whom are women with whom he had previous relationships.

I am friends with both of those women myself now (and more frequently in contact with both of them than he is!)

I would never ask anyone to curtail their freindships. Likewise I have holidayed, shared rooms and gone out socially with make friend while in relationships. If a partner tried to control long standing Frei ships I'd leave him.

He sends lovely photos of holidays or of where they may go together but he does this when he is with her so maybe she is angry about that.

Well if he's on his phone messaging you instead of in the moment with her on holiday or out somewhere I can understand why she might not be on board with it.

Pretty sure she doesn't know the confidences he shares but then again , most people I know share confidences with a friend about our their relationship.

You sound like the one who isn't dealing well with the dynamics of the relationship, not her.

Dh used to have a big group of friends for over a decade. He met them through work having been with me already for a couple of years. The women in the group never accepted me. The men did. He had a very good friendship with one of the women - more like a sibling and went away with her, just the two of them. It wasn’t supposed to be like that but 2 people dropped out and it was for a sporting event so they still went, all in all 3 days and a couple of nights. I was chilled about the friendship until the woman disrespected me and my home once too often... and him by extension but dh was always too too nice.

I finally challenged her and got a vile message from the female leader of the group. Had they just accepted me they’d perhaps all still be friends. Looking back they always had more dubious morals than dh and I - a couple of the women were with married man and another cheated on his wife in my home at a big party (I had no idea until the next day - unwrapped condoms thrown in the bathroom bin 🤮).

Dh is occasionally in contact with his only serious ex and has chatted to someone else online, who he casually dated. His ex was from school days and she and a couple of guys met up for dinner - dh is foreign so he went back to his home country and stayed in a hotel. I suppose she could have stayed in his room and shagged all night long. But if you always assume the worst, that’s a sure fire way to drive your partner away.

Actually OP I'd be telling your friend off for being devious and suggest we all do this openly, as mature adults.

I've got male friends and DH has got female friends. Not a problem for either of us.

DH's sister is the other extreme. Her husband (literally) isn't allowed out on his own because she's very possessive and jealous.

A few weeks ago I was meeting a male friend of mine for lunch. DH's sister (in front of me) asked him why he was 'allowing' me to do that.
He looked at her and replied: "Steve is a grown adult. She doesn't need my permission to meet her friends"
Her reply? "Well I'd never allow my husband meet up with another woman"

Personally I think it's pretty pathetic.

For example, i have to have knee surgery in a few weeks and DH has to go away for 10 days with work the following week. My male friend is coming to stay to help me with the 3 kids because he works from home and can drive our car so will take the kids to school etc. It would be difficult to manage without his help and to reject it because he is a man would be daft.

I trust my DH because I know that his number one priority is his relationship with me. He would not allow any other friendship/relationship to negatively impact ours. If he started lying or hiding contact with someone else then there'd be problems.

So your friend's girlfriend is right to feel insecure. She's not number one in his life and she knows it.

One of the things that drew me to my bf was the way in which he respects women and views them as equals. Part of that is that he has several female friends. I've met some of them and seen how he is with them. They pre-date me so if something were going to happen I figure it would have done already. I can't criticise him for something that is part of his attractiveness! It helps that I have a brother who has a lot of female friends and I know that these things can be Platonic. Also I feel secure that my bf has chosen me and whilst you cannot rule it out, he is a very loyal and faithful person.

In your case OP what would worry me is that your male friend is lying. Whatever the reason, that's not good. If you get to meet his girlfriend do make an effort to include her but as PP have said, it's their relationship and really it's theirs to sort out.

What @ReanimatedSGB said. 👏

I struggle with this- I want to be all cool about it but I know I wouldn't like it if DP went out one to one with a female friend- if it was a shared friend I'd be fine- so maybe this is the key- if she socialises with both of us- no problem with the one to one time but if she is kept separate maybe more worrying?

I trust my DH, but then we've been together for 21 years so I don't know that either of us would know what to do on a date with anyone else!

He goes out for dinner etc with female and male friends (separately) and I've never had any qualms.

So by your friends's gf's logic, if he was bisexual he wouldn't be allowed ANY friends?

@Pollaidh You've got one laid back husband!! Not sure I'd like staying over at someone's house to be honest but that's just me.