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Original poster

As a married/ partnered woman, what is acceptable to you?

173 replies

operationsunshine · 14/06/2019 11:29

What is acceptable to you regarding your husbands/ partners contact with women in general or friendship .
Do you trust him entirely or is there a limit to their contact that you will not accept ?
Following on from a couple of threads in ' relationships'

OP posts:
LittleRedMushroom · 14/06/2019 12:11

You don't have to do anything. He is already lying to her to protect his friendship with you, so his relationship with her is obviously not something he values.
He'll find the right girl eventually and then you may have problem, but I don't think you do right now.

Original poster
operationsunshine · 14/06/2019 12:13

She thinks it's too intense.
I haven't met her.
She has no reason to feel threatened .
She is a beautiful young girl who adores my friend in a romantic way .i am a much older, not so beautiful friend who cherishes my friendship in a platonic way !

OP posts:
Phoningliz · 14/06/2019 12:16

he has begun to hide our contact from her as he gets too much grief . I have suggested taking a step back but he is adamant that she needs to accept this as we outdate their relationship and needs to deal with her own insecurities.

Wow. So he's lying to her. I can't imagine why she'd be insecure Hmm

Original poster
operationsunshine · 14/06/2019 12:16

I'm not so sure he is lying straight to her but he certainly doesn't tell her the level or content of our contact . I'm
Pretty sure she doesn't know the confidences he shares but then again , most people I know share confidences with a friend about our their relationship.

OP posts:
Itstartedinbarcelona · 14/06/2019 12:20

I think I would find it weird if DH acquired a female friend but that’s because all of his mates to date have been male and he gets on better with men so it would seem more out of the ordinary. My ex was brought up with two sisters and always had female friends which made it seem more natural. In fact I’m still friends with him (and his wife) now, although they are not DHs cup of tea. I think friends of the opposite sex are fine as long as there are good boundaries in place for all parties.

Phoningliz · 14/06/2019 12:21

He's not being straight. That isn't something I look for in a friend. And it would make me wonder if he was being truthful to me about the nature of our friendship too. I couldn't be doing with it, no man would be worth this.

InDubiousBattle · 14/06/2019 12:23

You need to get to know her.

Tbh a couple of my friends have felt like this about their partners, and each time it's turned out to be with good reason. Lying by omission is still lying .

Damntheman · 14/06/2019 12:24

I trust my DH with everyone! If I didn't trust him there wouldn't be much of a relationship for me.

Another good news story OP. My best friend is a man, we've been best friends since we were 16. He has a lot of female friends! When he first got with his partner she didn't like it, she thought men and women couldn't be friends, it upset her a lot. But my friend stood his ground. He was open with her, and gentle about it, but he would not budge that these women were his friends. Some years on now and they're married, she's totally secure now and she's met most of us female friends and seems to like us alright ;)

It can work out. But your friend I think needs to stop hiding and lying and be more open if he wants the relationship to last.

NaviSprite · 14/06/2019 12:24

DH has a fair few female friends, if I were to take umbrage to that fact I’d be rather hypocritical considering most of my friends are Male. We trust each other and that’s that.

Having said that, one of his female friends through work was extremely flirtatious with him during the early stages of our relationship and I did get annoyed about that (she was very blatant about it) it just went over his head.

When I told him she made me uncomfortable (she’d often sit between us on nights out and turn her back to me, try to get DH to dance, drag him outside whenever she went for a ciggy etc.) so I did have to raise that issue with him.

Not to say he couldn’t be her friend anymore or anything childish, but to make her aware that it wasn’t on that she was deliberately getting in the middle of us all the time! He did it politely- such as when she’d plonk herself between us, he’d say “do you mind sitting this side so I can still talk to my GF?”, when insisting he accompany her everywhere shy of the ladies room he’d decline most of the time unless he planned going to wherever (such as the bar, outside for a ciggy and what have you). She stopped being so full on with him after a while and they’re still friends, she and I are friendly as well now. Just took a bit of grown up behaviour for him to let her know that we were together and yes it was serious :’)

Damntheman · 14/06/2019 12:25

You do need to meet her though, it'll help her accept the friendship.

CrunchyCarrot · 14/06/2019 12:25

Totally trust my DP. He is currently away on a short trip with a female friend at the mo (she's single), they even share the same room! It's fine, it's a platonic friendship. He has a number of female and male friends, I wouldn't dream of trying to restrict his friendships unless they were damaging in some way. We've been together for 22 yrs.

justasking111 · 14/06/2019 12:26

If they`re going to play away all the angst in the world or complaining will not fix it. We have friends of both sexes nothing has ever been inferred.

You need to trust.

Ghanagirl · 14/06/2019 12:27

@operationsunshine
Your friend doesn’t sound very nice.

ComeAndDance · 14/06/2019 12:28

I have no issue with my partner being in touch with a female friend. I have no issue with Facebook and text or exchanging photos as such.

I would probably have an issue with ‘nothing has changed between us regarding the level of contact since he has been with her’ because I wouod expect things to change in some ways when you settle down with a partner. It doesn’t mean you can’t have friends anymore or yu stop going out/texting. It’s just that I wouod expect his interest and focus to not be as much in the friend anymore, regardless of the sex. (I’m assuming from your posts you have quite a bit if contact iyswim). So my reaction would depend a lot of how he is with other friends, incl Male friends. If he is in contact with them just as much as he is with you, an his contact hasn’t changed with them either, I would assume this is how he is. If he sees/contact his other (Male) friends much less, then I would wonder why you are so important to him.... (reasons I have seen before was not being over an ex, been attracted to the woman etc... even though said woman was in each in a serious relationhsip with someone else and wouldn’t contemplate an affair)

MyInnerAlto · 14/06/2019 12:28

Hmm. You do sound as if you spend a large amount of time together, as presumably busy adults, for a typical friendship, and also doing things that typically 'couples' might do. I'd also really not be happy, if I were the girlfriend, with the 'I want to have intense exchanges with my friend on social media, but not with you, you're not good enough yet'. I barely use social media, I think it's the devil's work tbh, and I'm not the jealous type at all (can't be, my dh is in a female-dominated career and a big team player), but that would stick in my throat were I the GF, I might feel I couldn't get an 'in'.

SinkGirl · 14/06/2019 12:28

DH and I don’t have any really close friends of the opposite sex, and I would have a problem if he made one now. If one predated our relationship and there was no hint of anything romantic or sexual between them it wouldn’t bother me unless they were overstepping some boundaries (sharing beds etc).

NCforthis2019 · 14/06/2019 12:29

Me and my husband both keep on very friendly terms with ex’s etc - I have nonissue and vice versa, there are no hiding if phones, messages, emails. Everything is out in the open. I work with about 57 men and am close to a few of them, he has met all of them and is totally fine with me meeting them etc (work drinks etc). He is close to a few women from uni and I’ve no issue at all -all nice women.

Weebitawks · 14/06/2019 12:29

Hmm it's very difficult. DH has never really had female friends. He gets on well with woman, there are woman is his uni friend groups etc but he wouldn't say go out for a drink with a female friend.

On the other hand, I have a fair amount of male friends and always have. But he's also become good friends with them as well I've the years.

Basically, I think I'd find it pretty weird if my husband suddenly started going for drinks with a random woman.

BertrandRussell · 14/06/2019 12:31

I trust mine absolutely- because I can’t see the point of being in a relationship if you don’t.

DuMondeB · 14/06/2019 12:32

I don’t limit my husband’s friendships.

But I don’t need to, he always puts my feelings and needs first.

BertrandRussell · 14/06/2019 12:35

“ don’t limit my husband’s friendships.

But I don’t need to, he always puts my feelings and needs first”

That sounds as if he limits them to suit you......

SinkGirl · 14/06/2019 12:35

I'm not so sure he is lying straight to her but he certainly doesn't tell her the level or content of our contact . I'm
Pretty sure she doesn't know the confidences he shares but then again , most people I know share confidences with a friend about our their relationship.

Yikes. I’m not surprised she’s not happy at all with this. IME in the majority of M/F friendships like this, at least one of the people is interested in the other. I’m sure there are exceptions but I’ve never seen them. Wondering which way round it is here.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a shit.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 14/06/2019 12:37

I would think less of him for being devious tbh.

SinkGirl · 14/06/2019 12:37

That sounds as if he limits them to suit you......

No it doesn’t at all. My DH always prioritises me and the kids over other people, as I do with him and I’m not limiting myself at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/06/2019 12:38

I'm single and don't believe that people are property, or that jealousy should ever be indulged. Generally, if you have a male friend who gets himself mixed up with a neurotic whinyarse, he'll usually see sense and dump her - and if he doesn't, and disappears out of your life, that's his problem.
On the other side of it, someone who decides to cheat will do so: no amount of controlling, nagging, clinging and spying will stop them. And if someone is not inclined to cheat but you whine and cling and snoop anyway, they will dump you, and it will serve you right.

There is so much more to life than pursuing ownership of another person. I tend to think that the monogamy obsession is one of those social control mechanisms that's really just set up to waste women's time and keep them fixated on something unimportant rather than on making good lives for themselves.

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