As a married/ partnered woman, what is acceptable to you?

[operationsunshine]

What is acceptable to you regarding your husbands/ partners contact with women in general or friendship .
Do you trust him entirely or is there a limit to their contact that you will not accept ?
Following on from a couple of threads in ' relationships'

Sorry but I see it this way.

If he is really into this girlfriend and she isn’t happy about you, then you will be the one that becomes more peripheral to his life. Not you. Men don’t keep a female friend over someone they are in love with. Not that I have ever seen or heard of.

I don’t think you should be anything like as involved with the tensonsnyou are causing in their burgeoning relationship. I would either meet her and make it clear that there is nothing to worry about. If there isn’t? Or spend less time with him

My husband has several female friends. I’ve met them all. I have no issue with him spending time with them, going out with them for a meal, to see a band etc. But I know I am first in the queue so to speak as he does with me and my male friends. And I trust him. And he knows that if he ever abused that trust we are over, childredn or not. So we are clear. And we agree.

If this relationship has legs you will find yourself seeing les of him.
Are you prepared for that?

Not her. Jesus I can’t type.

I think he needs to put her feelings first if he really likes her. He doesn't sound very compromising. Can't you all go out together?

@Phoningliz I thought that too.
@operationsunshine that comment is a little complicitous and if a female friend of my husband’s wrote that both her and him would have some questions to answer

You work together

How often do you see each other outside work?

I trust my husband 100% and he does the same. We both have very close friends of the opposite sex and spend time with them alone often.

She has had awful relationships where she was cheated on and treated terribly . She is insecure by his account.
He wants to keep his friendships but to do so he has gone underground as she gets mad and jealous and upset when there is absolutely no need . There is no threat. He has told her this over and over but she freaks out if there is any form of banter on social media or if he has plans with a group of us where I or any other female friend of his is involved . I am not a threat to her from an attractiveness point of view . She is young and beautiful and slim . I am the opposite! There is no threat !

DP has lots of female friends, occasionally one will stay over at his if they're doing something the next day, he's also good friends with all of his exes.
Doesn't worry me at all

while he may be lying by omission, I think he is doing this to give himself an easy life and build up their trust as a couple.

Yeah. No. Lying doesn't build trust.

He does not want to change his life for anyone , he has said this to her

But a relationship does change your life. It's kind of the point. I would make other plans tonight but I'm seeing my bf because I want to see him, not other people.

I would be sad to lose the friendship but am happy he has finally found someone who accepts him exactly the way he is

Except she doesn't accept him, because she's worried about you.

he has never had much luck in the romantic stakes and doesn't want to lose this girlfriend.

Then he needs to stop lying to her, stop touting his independence and make time for her. He needs to let her into his life and his trust, not lie, spend a lot of time with another woman he has substantial shared history with and then wonder why she seems to be insecure. I would be and I'd probably leave him to his independence and his friends.

No wonder she freaks out at your banter on social media as he won't allow her to partake in it herself

She is being excluded by him

I have massive personal issues of low self-esteem and a diagnosed anxiety disorder.

Unfortunately, as much as I know I can trust DP, I just couldn't sit there while he went out with another woman. It would make me paranoid and I would end up feeling worthless.

Similarly, I wouldn't go out with male friends without DP present. He can trust me implicitly but I shouldn't have to call on that trust in our relationship for the sake of sovialosong because that's not how we work as a couple.

He works with lots of women and I'm ashamed to say whenever he mentions them in passing (we often talk about our day at work) my automatic reaction is jealousy and suspicion. I never vocalise it and DP doesn't know. But it is there and I hate it. He's done nothing but be kind, loyal and a good person to me. It is entirely my problem.

I am friends with one long term ex from years ago - I have also been in his girlfriends position and found it uncomfortable when my own partners were friends with their exes.

It's totally hypocritical of me! It's because I know there's nothing there now, whereas I totally illogically think that for anyone else if they wanted to sleep together in the past there must still be something there. Again, totally hypocritical of me!

BUT in my defence I have always said to him when he gets a new girlfriend that if she is uncomfortable about it, she must come first. If he is hiding contact, I don't want to be part of it.

If he is being open I would be happy to meet them if they'd like. I've met some lovely girls in this way and once they've met me I think they've felt ok with the situation. But again if I had an inkling it was upsetting them, I would back off from the situation totally.

I feel so bad my feelings are hypocritical but my actions aren't - it also helps me see it from both sides.

I think he should arrange something where you all meet up. It's easier to see the feelings between people in the flesh and she'll pick up that it's purely platonic. If there is a difference in how he treats you and how he treats his male friends then she might be right to be annoyed. Is there anything between you that is like a relationship?
But that's up to him to organise if he wants to reassure his girlfriend. Since she has been treated badly I think this would be kinder than just hiding your communication.
I wouldn't really feel comfortable having to be hidden so would probably back away a bit.

I don’t like it when people describe others in such detail but they’ve yet to even meet them.

He does not want to change his life for anyone , he has said this to her
That may be why he hasn't had much luck in the romantic stakes....

Also, just to add that we never really know what goes in a romantic relationship.
You have no idea how he treats her when they are alone together. He might be very different to the friend you have and know. All you have is his version and for all you know this might be a massive boost to his male ego.

I feel a bit sorry for this woman

operationsunshine she's much younger than him and insecure due to being treated terribly by previous boyfriends. He's lying to her by omission to build trust and for an easy life...

Does it sound like a healthy relationship to you?

You think you're no threat but you're his contemporary whom he respects and has history with and is honest with. She's portrayed by him to you as a pretty young insecure damaged little thing he lies to for an easy life.

She's not in a good relationship and neither is he, by the sound of everything you've written.

Threat is a funny word - physical attraction is sometimes something that happens by accident unexpectedly on the back of a long term emotional connection, but it's really not just that. Even if you never touch til the day you die, he treats you as his his equal and is honest with you. His emotional connection with you is deeper than with her, and he is dishonest with her and unwilling to compromise at all for her.

He doesn't put her first. He lies to her. He talks about her as though she is somewhat broken.

She should leave him and find someone who will put her first.

DH has female friends he sees without me, I have male friends I see without him. We are both people who feel entirely comfortable having friendships with the opposite sex without any fear that sexual attraction will come into it, so we're very relaxed about it. We both hate that whole 'wink-wink, nudge-nudge, women and men can never really be "just friends"' school of thought.

Though I have realised over time that it is true that some people really can't 'just be friends' with the opposite sex, and that affects how acceptable it is in one's relationship/marriage. So your friend's partner may be someone who hasn't had/been able to have platonic friendships, or may have been burned in the past by a partner who couldn't.

I really feel for her. He's telling you all about her private feelings and her vulnerabilities. He's lying to her whilst doing this, so she doesn't even know he's telling you all of this stuff.

The fact that he is breaking her confidences by telling you all about her is utterly awful.

I think that he really likes his girlfriend but will not be told what to do or who he can see and not see , by anybody. He is fiercely independent and loyal and while he may be lying by omission, I think he is doing this to give himself an easy life and build up their trust as a couple

I've been in your shoes.
My male friend also did the 'lying by omission' to his gf because she wasn't happy with our friendship.
My advice to him was - be honest and upfront about our friendship and stand up for/by what you believe is right. Be prepared to compromise on the amount of contact we have if she feels that it takes time/attention away from you as a couple. Basically, find a healthy balance that considers both your needs.
If she still isn't happy then you need to think whether you're compatible in the long run.

He didn't take my advice.
He continued to lie by omission.
Not just about our friendship but eventually with other areas of his life too.
After it ended, he told me he felt it was his own fault, because he didn't let the 'red flag' fly.
He said deep down he knew/feared the possibility that she wasn't 'the one' but he loved her. a boundary would have made him face that if it was crossed.

He tells me it was all subconscious and he only 'realised' afterwards.
I tell him it's bullshit, he knew it all along but chose to ignore it cos he was 'in love' and that's all that matted to him at that time

The more you say, the worse he gets. Of course there’s a threat - he’s honest with you and not her.

He does not want to change his life for anyone
Then don’t be in a relationship

Are you in a relationship @operationsunshine?

My partner has mainly girls as friends. I don't have any rules or limits as I trust him entirely. Well, I tell a lie... if he slept in the same bed I would be annoyed. But anything else fair game

Coming back to this again and reading the other PPs...I agree with them. He doesn't sound like a great catch for her IMO.

Regardless of whether they are male or female friends, if/when I met someone new special to me I would want my close friends to meet them and get to know them. My friends are important to me and I'd really want them to get to know my new partner. I can understand he wants to retain some independence etc, but his idea of independence seems very skewed...my way or the highway sounding. There seems to be no compromise at all.

It really sounds like it is your friend creating the issue of your friendship. How is he reassuring his girlfriend in lying by omission? It is not on at all. If you are that close or in a sibling like friendship, why has he not introduced you both to each other? I'd want two people who were important in my life to get to know each other. He is not putting his girlfriend first in this at all.