The thing is that a drink problem isn't necessarily how often you drink but how you drink. I've had alcohol issues for years, since age 11. I drink now (am trying to recover from opiate addiction - painkillers) but I have to be careful. If I want a drink that's fine. If it's been a tough day and I feel like I need a drink then I have to give myself a stern talking to. Because drinking one or two for the taste is fine, for me. But drinking for the wrong reasons only leads to a dark place. And it's not easy doing it. I've bought bottles of vodka intending to neck them in the loos at the bus depot and thankfully managed to stop myself. But I haven't been drinking heavily for years now (substituted it for a 'better' drug, one without the hangover) and I get terrible hangovers and anxious and it's enough to help me keep a handle on it. For now.
I'm on a script for buprenorphine. I was using on top but have stopped that now so the last few days have been tricky. I know I can't just have one. They saying 'ones too many a thousand never enough' is very very relevant.
I'm setting time limits for 'get to 3pm and don't use til then. Decide at 3 what you do'. 'wait til after the na meeting tonight and see if you still want to use.' etc. Focusing on 'day 6 today' is good for some but not me. If I make a big song and dance about day 6 then I'm making it a bigger issue than it needs to be. I'm building it up to be really difficult (which it is) and almost giving myself permission to say I can't do it anymore.
I've been to loads of meetings recently. Most people in the rooms had a bit of clean Time, thought they were ok, used and ended up back on rock bottom. Many more than once. I've a friend there he's lovely. I'm shy and self conscious and he always smiles when he sees me and talks to me which is nice. I work in probation and he used to be on our books (before I joined).
He was clean for 4 years. 4 years. Then he decided to have some cannabis cos of some stress. Fast forward 5 months and he's in a hospital bed through pneumonia and infections, being guarded by two policemen because he breached his licence, being investigated for harassment and bullying, is dependent on heroin and crack again, is homeless, no job, broken. And yeah ok cannabis didn't do that to him. But it was the starting point.
To look at him now he's incredible. He's so kind and positive and amazing. He took all the courses probation offered him and engaged really well. He works on the road now. He does step work, service at meetings, has a sponsor. He volunteers at a homeless shelter and these days is around probation not for his own appointments but to mentor other service users.
Recovery does work. Using or drinking again doesn't. it's part of the cycle and comfortable stories that we tell ourselves. It's all lies.