Is it ok to drink occasionally if you are an alcoholic

[Fibbke]

And by alcoholic i mean drinking every day, needing alcohol first thing in the morning, drinking the equivalent of 3 bottles a day?

I'm not convinced that they went from 3 bottles a day, to zero, overnight, and stayed that way, feeling ok. I don't believe it, not for a second

Nor do I and it really gets to me that I'm supposed to message and say well done. I could just withdraw contact but one of their triggers is that they are just a lovely kind person that everyone is mean to, so i dont want to contribute to that narrative either!

@Newmumma83 Not sure it's relevant to compare addictions though. A compulsive over-eater can overcome their addiction while still eating food!

An option would be to tell your family member to speak to their GP or alcohol service about their treatment, and not engage.

Seek support for yourself, eg Al Anon and other literature for families, meetings.

The new partner may well not understand the situation and their actions may be unhelpful. Your relative is unlikely to be able to sustain a healthy relationship at present.

If your relative is in sole charge of DC that’s a big problem.

I could just withdraw contact but one of their triggers is that they are just a lovely kind person that everyone is mean to, so i dont want to contribute to that narrative either!

Kindly, it really makes to difference to this person's drinking or their narrative whether you do or don't. There is a wise poster in the ways of addiction on here who would remind you of the 3 C's:

You did not Cause this
You cannot Control this
You cannot Cure this

Can you see that narrative about how "I drink because I'm soooo nice and everyone's soooo mean to me" is a control tactic? It allows her to hold the covert threat of "if you're mean to me (i.e. tell me I drink too much, cut contact, or otherwise interfere with my relationship with my true love, alcohol) I will DRINK MORE". And what do you know, it's working, you're sticking around and tiptoeing around her. She will create any narrative that serves her purposes of drinking and change it at will. Please don't let those control tactics (and that is absolutely what they are) stop you from putting yourself first and doing what you need to for yourself.

They are and yes it is. Al anon did say a good idea would be to reach out to the child involved and let them know im always there for them which i have done.

@Fibbke

two minutes, you will end up like the guy on Father Ted! Good luck!

My husband is an alcoholic.

He cannot drink ever again. You never stop being an alcoholic.

CmdrCressidaDuck thats what i need to hear. Its a narrative thats gone on for years and years

Nice one gth you nob

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - it gets worse over time. The only way to stop the progression is to stop drinking completely.

How old is the DC and is the DC’s father around?

My mother was an alcoholic. She had a massive stroke in her early 50s, it took her speech and left her paralysed on one side.
One is never enough, two is too many.

IF genuinely an alcoholic I would say no.

HOWEVER, and this is a personal story.

I used to drink A LOT. Up to a litre of spirits a day plus beers. Every day. I'd wake up feeling like crap and start the cycle again.

Everyone thought I was an alcoholic. The one time I went to the doctor they were shocked I was functional and advised me against just stopping. At that point I had no intention of stopping.

Except then I left my ex-H who I now realise was emotionally abusive. In the process of leaving, setting up a flat on my own, relocating across the country, I realised that I hadnt really had a drink for days - I'd had the odd glass out with my friends etc but not drinking litres every day. I also realised I'd stopped taking the anti depressants I'd been on for years.

What it woke me up to was I didn't have a drink/addiction problem but a husband problem and having solved the problem, the rest fell away.

I've had medical professionals imply I'm exagerating my prior drinking as because with that level you can't just stop without problems. Except I did and sometimes you can.

Today I have a normal relationship with Alcohol with two exceptions. One I can drink a LOT before I get drunk and the other being I go from being tipsy to off my face very very quickly.

I just want to give you a flip explanation.

Dc is 14. No dad around, well he drifts in and out. Apparently he never contacts his dc but when dc left her ipad here messages popped up from him the whole time

No, but as the child of alcoholics I can tell you need to accept that you can't stop a person from drinking. It is not your responsibility nor is it in your power.

Long term addiction professional here (prior to a career change ) we would always advise cut down at the beginning before detox to prevent fits but in answer to your original question absolutely not . An alcoholic in true recovery cannot drink again . There is no maintenance it is none.

I have seen over many years people try to control it , test themselves etc and over 1000s of clients I have never seen drinking occasionally be successful if they are an alcoholic , sorry.

I realise some will say it works for them and I will own I dealt with high end died in the wool addicts ,but still no , sooner or late they will spiral again.

Good luck OP

I'd contact the girls dad and see if he's aware of the situation.

No kid wants to grow up with an alcoholic in their lives.

Focus your energy on the person you can help

I had a parent who was a violent alcoholic. All siblings have or have had problems with drugs or alcohol.

Feels very odd to have escaped it and not sure why.

A true alcoholic cannot take even the tiniest snifter without relapsing immediately.

The situation sounds very distressing for you but you need to find a way to protect yourself by distancing yourself from the alcoholic, so that you can be there for the child if it ever gets totally dire.

My brother is an alcoholic who wanted to celebrate staying sober for a year. You can guess what happened next. Now I'm pretty sure he'll never recover.

@Fibbke

no - that's the thing - alcoholics can't drink in moderation, so it's dangerous for them to try to do that. Maybe some can, but most can't.

Like gambling, or other addictions.

I know from experience that feeling you can control an addiction is just self delusion. I wasn’t, am not, addicted to alcohol, but another recreational drug, and I was never a particularly heavy user, my addiction was just psychological, but I too had the justification/reward cycle for a long time, even though deep down I knew that moderation wasn’t possible.

Also my xh is an alcoholic. He was drinking 180 units a week and if he went so much as a few hours without a drink he’d start shaking and throwing up. He’s never managed to get to a point where he accepts that he’s an addict and it’s always excuse after excuse. The last time I spoke to him it was,in a very defensive tone, ‘I’m only sharing one bottle of wine with my partner on a saturday evening.’ The next week I walked past his local, on a friday, and he was sat at the bar with a large glass of wine in front of him.

The last I heard of him through someone else they said he was in very poor health. He’s damaged his liver and lost the feeling in his hands and feet and now he has to use a frame to walk, all because of the booze, and there are other things besides. So no, your family member shouldn’t be going anywhere near alcohol. The excuses and the justifications are just the addiction talking.

I’ve been clean for nearly 6 months and I intend to stay that way. I’ll never be the moderate social user I’d like to be and I’ll just have to accept that. It won’t kill me not to have that particular drug but it will do significant damage to my mental health if I do, so on balance I’d rather not bother.

@Imoen that is almost word for word the same as what happened to me! I was drinking to blot it all out. Don't need to now so just don't any more!

I'd make sure the daughter knew not to get into the car with her mum when she's drinking. I'd also give her a key to your house and leave taxi money by the front door in case she ever needs to get away.

NO.
If you are an alcoholic you can't stop at a few glasses, whether they are wine, whiskey or whatever.
Speak to your sponsor and if you haven't got on, go to a meeting and get one.
Call 0800 917 7650.

Not possible I'm afraid, and don't think it's less serious because it's wine, someone close to me died recently from liver failure and they'd only drunk wine.