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Original poster

Being Bullied Again - Is It My Fault..??

113 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 14/06/2019 07:31

My Other Current Thread

I was bullied as a school girl - dumpy, fat, definitely not pretty or popular

I was a victim of domestic abuse in my mid 20s

I was a victim of workplace bullying in my late 20s/early 30s

I'm now 48, and again, a victim of bullying in a Uniformed Organisation (details in my other thread, linked above).

I try my absolute best to be friendly, help everyone, judge no-one, and at work I am the "worlds best team player and have the most can do attitude ever" (actual quote).

But I also have very low self esteem, have suffered depression in the past and been on anxiety medicine for years.

You know that thing that's said - I can't remember the perfect quote - that if every friend keeps falling out with you, maybe its not THEM that are unlikeable, maybe its you...…

If I keep on being bullied - and its a 45 year history, maybe its not them...maybe its me...

In the situation in my previous thread I have ABSOLUTLEY no idea what I have done to deserve this - it all blew up on a camp weekend and I have relived and relived everything I did that weekend and I absolutely cannot see what I did wrong. Other leaders have either said I did nothing wrong (the main bully) hasn't said a single word to me since, so I have absolutely no idea what her problem with me is.

But maybe it is me...??

(Oh I work in a job where I cannot mn at all during the day so I will read every reply but I might be a while in answering questions etc)

OP posts:
chezbot · 14/06/2019 07:36

Oh OP. I can relate.
I promise it isnt you.
Broken people bully, and in my experience they try to chip away at those they perceive to be a threat. I wish I had useful things to say but I empathise hugely. Sending love

newmomof1 · 14/06/2019 07:40

Can you give us examples of the bullying behaviour you're experiencing now?

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 14/06/2019 07:43

I help at a uniformed organisation and I am being completely blanks by the group leader higher than me (there is a leader higher than her).

She was furious with me on a recent camp, and has not uttered a word to me since, made eye contact with me and last night sat with her back to me.

I have absolutely no idea what it was that I did that has caused her to be so angry with me.

OP posts:
soisolated · 14/06/2019 07:44

It's not you, it's them.

I think when there has been abuse in your past it marks you and some people seem to pick up on it. My abusive childhood had left me struggling and I have distanced myself from people. My sibling has gone from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, it's like they attract abusers.

These people are scum bags, there's nothing wrong with you. Hope you get it sorted out, no one should be in that situation.

Keep being the wonderful person you are, don't let these bastards take anymore from you. Easier said than done I know, take care

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 14/06/2019 07:44

She previously was a good friend - in fact it was her that asked me to volunteer and help out...!!

I have messaged her "can we talk, want to get a coffee etc" - read and completely ignored.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 14/06/2019 07:45

@BathshebaKnickerStickers that's not bullying - that's one person choosing to act in a childish way.

We can't all get on with everyone - just ignore the immaturity and don't take it personally. The problem is them, not you.

NeatFreakMama · 14/06/2019 07:47

It's hard to comment without knowing the detail of what happened. You could ask the woman what her issue is with you? Sorry, bullying really is awful to deal with but remember you're an adult now and you don't have to let it hurt you. If you are happy with yourself and you're behaviour then sod them.

Ohnotanothernamechange · 14/06/2019 07:49

Is this something like guides or scouts OP? If so, then I'm assuming you are a volunteer and therefore you owe them nothing, so I'd tell them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Honestly, life is too short for crap like this.

ofred · 14/06/2019 07:50

OP it is absolutely not your fault! Some people are just wankers. Plain and simple. You sound amazing x

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 14/06/2019 07:50

I have tried to ask, she ignored me.

I’ve asked higher leader - she “likes us both and doesn’t want to take sides”

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/06/2019 07:53

But I also have very low self esteem, have suffered depression in the past and been on anxiety medicine for years

In the situation in my previous thread I have ABSOLUTLEY no idea what I have done to deserve this - it all blew up on a camp weekend and I have relived and relived everything I did that weekend and I absolutely cannot see what I did wrong.

Can you give some examples of what "this" is? What behaviours are leading you to feel bullied? It's very difficult to do an Internet diagnosis without having something to work with - it risks doing more harm than good by guessing.

An observation - if you have a tendency to over analyse it can blow things out of proportion. CBT is a good techniques for recasting negative unhelpful thought and seeing the same situation in different ways.

Example " the camp leader had her back turned away from me and never made eye contact all evening so she must have been deliberately ignoring me and freezing me out"

Or

"The camp leader had a room full of people and didn't have time to engage with people very much. Seeing her struggling with spinning all those plates in the air I went up to her, made steady eye contact, big smile and asked is there anything I can help you with? She said no thanks, so I said no problem at all, didn't dwell on it, I'd made the offer"

Sometimes taking back control enables you to take positive action, not be over invested in the result whatever it may be, and move forward with no intent to over analyse or worry. Don't waste negative energy on things you can't change. And I can recommend watching the humorous YouTube clip about "giving Zero F*s" it's a game changer.

Stormy76 · 14/06/2019 07:57

Step back, stop trying to fix the problem and act as if nothing is wrong. Yes she is being a dick and her behaviour is bullying, she may not realise that. I suggest looking through any policies, equality and diversity is normally what they are called. In the policy there will be a definition of bullying. Take that to the higher leader, say you have tried to address this and now it will have to be taken further. Stand up for yourself and fight back, I had to and it was bloody hard work but worth it in the end.

saraclara · 14/06/2019 07:57

It's the higher leader's job to manage you and the other person. Particularly where the issue arises within the organisation's time and affects the atmosphere and the other participants. She can't opt out because she's a coward.

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 14/06/2019 07:58

Daisy - 1 week she might have been busy...

This is 5 weeks and she has removed herself from the leaders group chat group where we do the planning etc, despite not removing herself from being a leader

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/06/2019 08:04

No no no no no. You are not in anyway to blame. Sadly some people are cunts. That's on them not you.
You are amazing. Giving up your time.
Not everyone would do that.
Xx

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 14/06/2019 08:06

Even if you're an easy target (low self esteem, social skills etc.) which I'm not saying you are, it's still not your fault. I work with young people and I have noticed that if they come from abusive homes they seem more likely to end up in abusive relationships. This isn't their fault but maybe there's a lack of understanding of how people should treat you, boundaries etc. or they miss early warning flags that other people might see. People can learn these things with help and support though. Bit of a tangent, sorry!

daisychain01 · 14/06/2019 08:06

That was 1 example, as it's the only one I had to go on. Also it wasn't to be taken literally. CBT is about you changing your thought patterns to be more helpful to you. It doesn't matter about this person, you can't control her

What I'm suggesting is that you can take back control by thinking about things differently.

Can you try that technique?

lemonsandlimes123 · 14/06/2019 08:08

Having read your other thread I cannot see how you are being bullied. You say you want to report this woman under a whistleblowing policy but as far as I can see all that has happened is that she doesn't want to engage with you for some unknown reason. She is not obliged to be your friend and not wanting to be your friend doesn't mean she is bullying you.

You say she has left a group chat which implies she is isolatimg herself from the group rather than isolating you.

Based on this I do wonder if you perceive yourself as a victim and being bullied rather than it actually being the case. You describe yourself albeit in someones elses words as 'the worlds best team player'. Other people are not such team players, doesn't mean they are bullying you.

Similarly you talk about financial loss re the trip, as far as i can see, no one has suggested you couldn't or shouldn't go, it is simply that you have decided not to go based on your perception of the circumstances.

daisychain01 · 14/06/2019 08:09

Alternatively can you change your circumstances, eg different volunteering group if she becomes unbearable. Get her out of your life permanently. No need for confrontation or discussion, she isn't worth the bother.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 08:18

OP, can you clarify what you believe this woman has done that makes you feel bullied? It is very hard to say whether there is any fairness in what you think without knowing what has happened.

UpTheDuffWithOnlyASatnav · 14/06/2019 08:21

I'd suggest that you leave the role, and find somewhere else to volunteer. I've been bullied throughout my life too, and one thing I've realised that I do that often makes it worse: I keep trying to make amends with the bully, and therefore make myself look desperate for approval, and thereby a soft target. Not sure whether you're doing this, but I'd still suggest you cut your losses and move on.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 08:21

I read your other thread by the way. Still can’t make head nor tail.

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2019 08:21

what has she actually done OP what was the catalyst for the end of this friendship that has caused her to withdraw from you? Has she actually done anything other than withdraw from you

Tilikum · 14/06/2019 08:21

lemonsandlimes123

Having read your other thread I cannot see how you are being bullied. You say you want to report this woman under a whistleblowing policy but as far as I can see all that has happened is that she doesn't want to engage with you for some unknown reason. She is not obliged to be your friend and not wanting to be your friend doesn't mean she is bullying you.

You say she has left a group chat which implies she is isolatimg herself from the group rather than isolating you.

Based on this I do wonder if you perceive yourself as a victim and being bullied rather than it actually being the case. You describe yourself albeit in someones elses words as 'the worlds best team player'. Other people are not such team players, doesn't mean they are bullying you.

Similarly you talk about financial loss re the trip, as far as i can see, no one has suggested you couldn't or shouldn't go, it is simply that you have decided not to go based on your perception of the circumstances.

I agree 100% with this.

Hoppinggreen · 14/06/2019 08:23

Do you think that due to past issues you label any behaviour you dont like as “bullying”?
You are trying to make an official complaint about this woman and you are surprised she doesn’t want to go for a coffee with you or even make eye contact? You might be totally right but even so she’s hardly going to be friendly to you
To be honest OP it sounds to me like you have unfortunately been victimised in the past so with very little reason you fall into that role when something else is going on.