Being Bullied Again - Is It My Fault..??

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My Other Current Thread

I was bullied as a school girl - dumpy, fat, definitely not pretty or popular

I was a victim of domestic abuse in my mid 20s

I was a victim of workplace bullying in my late 20s/early 30s

I'm now 48, and again, a victim of bullying in a Uniformed Organisation (details in my other thread, linked above).

I try my absolute best to be friendly, help everyone, judge no-one, and at work I am the "worlds best team player and have the most can do attitude ever" (actual quote).

But I also have very low self esteem, have suffered depression in the past and been on anxiety medicine for years.

You know that thing that's said - I can't remember the perfect quote - that if every friend keeps falling out with you, maybe its not THEM that are unlikeable, maybe its you...…

If I keep on being bullied - and its a 45 year history, maybe its not them...maybe its me...

In the situation in my previous thread I have ABSOLUTLEY no idea what I have done to deserve this - it all blew up on a camp weekend and I have relived and relived everything I did that weekend and I absolutely cannot see what I did wrong. Other leaders have either said I did nothing wrong (the main bully) hasn't said a single word to me since, so I have absolutely no idea what her problem with me is.

But maybe it is me...??

(Oh I work in a job where I cannot mn at all during the day so I will read every reply but I might be a while in answering questions etc)

I agree with those who say you are not being bullied.

Having read your other thread I don't think this is bullying either, I think that term is bandied around too freely. For whatever reason she is upset with you or doesn't like you anymore so she's not engaging with you. She's not bitching about you, excluding you, turning others against you. She removed herself from the group chat, she didn't oust you. Framing everything from a victim perspective isn't helpful to your life or your self esteem

I think you have to be honest as well- you say you don't know what you have done wrong, but also that you want to whistleblow on her about her poor safeguarding! She may be a horrid person, she may be unpleasant to you, she may be poor at safeguarding, but anyone who feels like they are about to be reported, which you are about to do, is going to be frosty to the person reporting.

This doesn't mean it's ok, or that you shouldn't tell the truth, but there IS a reason in her mind that this working relationship is now strained.

As to what you should do, I'd probably high tail out of there. Volunteering is supposed to be enjoyable and enhance your life as well as the lives of others and if it's giving you sleepless nights and you are now not able to be involved (due to cancelled trip) then I'd move on. Trying to change organizations rarely works and you could end up wasting a lot of energy trying. If you have very serious safeguarding concerns, state those, if you just have a clash of personalities and style of interaction, I'd just leave and take your valuable skills elsewhere.

I'm sure it's not you, it's them but IME if you are quiet and shy (though this isn't always the case) you can attract bullies who see you as an easy target. After all, if you want to make someone feel small why struggle with an 'equal'?

I was very timid as a child, bullied at home by father, a teacher at school, at work more than once. I've gained confidence now but it took me until my mid 50s to do so. Could you work on your self-confidence/image? I sympathise with you.

Isnt giving the silent treatment seen as abusive/ bullying?

You are not being bullied op. You are just being ignored by a rather sanctimonious, difficult woman and you should be doing what we would all do in your place.

Ignore her now, and forget about it.

You have sent a nice message to her great, she hadn’t responded so now it’s her problem. That’s it. Don’t do anything else, and rise above her petty behaviour.

You don’t need to analyse your own like-ability and value just because someone ignores your text or is being a bitch.

You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position by assuming that every nasty person you run into is somehow a reflection of you. They are a reflection of themselves only, nothing to do with you.

Tell the other leader you have taken steps to resolve the issue the other leader seems to have, to no avail and leave it with her telling her you will not be doing anything else. It’s not your problem!

You need to learn grey rock, and stop worrying so much about others. Have your own back op, you are the only one after all, that you can count on.

If you have reported her or it is known you are going to report her, she will have been told to avoid you and not to communicate with you unless needed.

It would be very stupid and inappropriate to go for a coffee with you in the circumstances. You may need to accept that as a consequence of your own actions.

TBH I think if you have had praise of "best team player ever,with the best Can Do attitude", then she is probably miffed as she invited you to the organisation and you have got all the credit! (Well Done BTW).This is not your problem ,its hers!.If the post is voluntary then maybe look around elsewhere .If she was a good friend before ,then things may return to normal if you no longer work together, or they may not .Just life Im afraid!.(The old adage never mix business and pleasure eh?)

In the past I have stopped talking to people because their behaviour was causing me a lot of upset and I needed to have as little to do with them as possible for the sake of my mental health.

Was I bullying them?

Sadly because if your past background, it is possible that a petty individual will pIck up on your behavioural cues (maybe you come across as vulnerable? A people pleaser?) and home in on that vulnerability due to their own lack of self-worth. That's not your bad, it's them.

You need to build up your resilience so you can weather these storms, because there will always be people in every walk of life who will be frosty, isolating, not pleasant, and like to have people fawning all over them, not wanting to be the one to be picked on. They thrive on that power trip.

Don't feed their ego by showing them you care.

Magenta, only you know if you did anything intentional to be nasty to others. If you didn't do anything deliberately to target them, make them feel bad, give them the cold shoulder intentionally to hurt them, but proactively chose to place distance between you because you didn't find contact with them gave you happiness, then you were not bullying them.

It was a valid and empowered choice, if done for the right reasons.

I think when you have low self esteem, you become a magnet for bullying because you're an easy target. It's not really about you being a dislikeable person, you just don't have boundaries and it's easy to assert power over you.

I went through a period in my twenties of being bullied by 'friends', boyfriends ( one boyfriend tried to kill me) and bosses/colleagues. I literally had 3 consecutive jobs where I was suicidal because of how I was being treated. I've spent years wondering what I did wrong. Like you, I was an exlemplary employee, so it made no sense.

It still affects me now. Particularly how my 'best friend' bullied me. I can't make friendships now because I remember every remark, every bit of gas lighting, the aggressiveness and even violence. Sometimes I can be logical and think of it in the way that I mentioned in my first paragraph. But most of the time I get depressed and think of what an awful person I must be. It was all 10 years ago, but I still think of it daily and feel that everyone still hates me. I'm going to pursue counselling and self-therapy once my pregnancy is done. I think it would help you too.

@lemonsandlimes123 has this spot on, I too agree 100%

Just because someone does something you personally don’t like, this isn’t 'bullying'.

I do think you need to understand the definition of bullying though : to seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce , persecute, oppress, tyrannize, torment, browbeat, intimidate, cow, coerce, strong-arm, subjugate, domineer. None of this is happening.

You say you have esteem issues, are you projecting?

You are not to blame - let's get that clear.

It's very possible that some people chose you because you are too nice.

It's also possible that you give too much thoughts to some situations (not talking about domestic abuse).

I don't think in general people think about you as much as you think they do: they are busy, have their own problems, so most of the sometimes rude and distant behaviour has nothing to do with you.

I personally felt that trying to be an exemplary employee is not the way forward for me. I am nice, but I don't feel inferior to anyone, they just happen to be senior to me, so I tend to treat anyone senior as an equal really. Never had anyone picking on me.

I do wonder if you perceive yourself as a victim and being bullied rather than it actually being the case. You describe yourself albeit in someones elses words as 'the worlds best team player'. Other people are not such team players, doesn't mean they are bullying you.

I also agree with this. I think your past experiences and low self esteem is perhaps skewing your interpretation of what's happening and you're elevating normal friendship issues into bullying status. Having done a fair bit of volunteering (and by the sounds of it in a similar organisation - I'm assuming brownies/rainbows). It's normal for people to butt heads and fall out it just comes with the territory.

It's a bit odd that you still want to be friends with this leader even whilst her behaviour is bad enough to be a safeguarding issue. Surely it's a bit two faced to be trying to go for coffee with someone whilst you are in the process of reporting her?

Thinking about repeat victims of bullying I know - they are either blaming others for their own problems I.e. No bullying occurring just being disciplined for shoddy work etc. Or they are lacking in social skills - I know someone with aspergers who got bullied a lot at work. People didn't like aspects of his behaviour and instead of tackling it in an adult way they were nasty to him. That was obviously not his fault, but there was an obvious reason why. Or some people just take everything very personally when stuff is not about them at all. So in some cases repeat bullying can be to do with the person being bullied (does not make it their fault, but they may be able to do something about it).
Just speculation really as there's not much detail in the op, but maybe you are being a bit too keen on people who are giving clear signs that they want to put a bit of distance between you for a while? If someone isn't engaging just let them be, don't assume you need to find out the problem and make up. If someone is being genuinely unpleasant, again don't take it personally just reduce interaction, behave normally with other people and they will usually get over it.

Have you actually reported your safeguarding concerns re her treatment of the children? If not, why not?

I would be prioritising childrens' safety as a matter of urgency rather than your own feelings re a voluntary role you could presumably walk away from if you're not happy?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I don't see the need for a separate thread when you have had advice. This thread seems to be concentrating on introspection when you have said you have concerns over childrens' safety but appear to have done nothing. Hopefully I am wrong.

I’ve read your other thread and you seem like a righteous so and so. You know better about safeguarding. You know what is right and what is wrong. You have more experience. You’re the worlds best team player. Do you think this has all gone to your head?

You want to report a woman who was your friend for her apparent unreasonable behaviour and you expect her to be friends with you?

From what you’ve said about her behaviour, she’s not bullying, she’s withdrawing from you, and that’s understandable. She’s probably feeling victimised herself.

And why do you want to talk and go for a coffee to someone you believe should be reported to safeguard vulnerable children in her care?

Did you give your former friend a chance to address these alleged safe-guarding concerns before reporting her?

Bullies exist everywhere. I used to think it was me - two arses of exes, numerous colleagues being awful. However I now see it as a few tings

1. I trust easily
2. I believe people I wouldn’t lie - so why would they?
3. I have great empathy and great compassion and this makes me feel responsible for others
4. I sense things other people don’t. I sense a bully or a liar and when I look at them - they know I know and the knives are out
5. I try to play by the rules - there are no rules with bullies

In terms of complaints - put your entire complaint and evidence in writing and submit it in your meeting - report the facts. Page number all the pages 1/2 2/2 etc when things get reported higher up - some (not all) people can brush things under the carpet and ensure you give records and copies of everything - follow up with an email thanks for the meeting on x with y present concerns the attached concerns - the outcome of this is that you will feedback to me in 10 days or whatever.

I call it for what it is now - think of yourself as a house and out boundaries and fences around - your house your rules

Are you sure you aren't projecting years of being a victim of bullying yourself onto this woman?

By all accounts, she may well be a not very nice person, shouting at the kids, operating under ratio and ignoring you isn't great but unless there's more context I can't see the bullying either.

Always remember, you can't control the behaviour or opinions of others, you can only control your own.

If I were you I'd take a step back, do some self care and reassess the situation after a bit of time space and logical thinking.

Unless she's abusing the kids I really don't think whistleblowing is the right way to handle this. It will very likely result in you being completely ostracised from this organisation.

OP, this is screaming autism to me.

Things that make me think that:

• You seem to like rules, and the 'right way' of doing things
• You don't seem to understand that reporting someone to safeguarding would make them not like you at all, even if it's the right thing to do
• You are labelling a normal interaction (someone who doesn't like you anymore withdrawing their friendship' as bullying, and you don't seem to understand the situation.

Women with autism struggle with understanding social hierachies, social cues and tend to 'mask' by learning rules that they stick to rigidly (always 'working the hardest', always complimenting others etc'. It is massively under-diagnosed in women, and some of the autistic women I know have similar stories of always being 'bullied' in different situations, as they don't always understand the social rules and situations they find themselves in fully, and can't understand how things have gone wrong.

www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/women-autism-hide-complex-struggles-behind-masks/

Are you smart, capable and generally likeable?

Though you perhaps struggle to be honest about these being strengths of yours due to low self confidence.

Cos I BET you are.

And thats what others see and feel threatened by.

OK. I've been bullied at school, work etc over the past god knows how many years. My last workplace bullying incident was particularly nasty as it involved the wife of a family friend of my parents, who worked for my boss.

I had therapy for this bullying as it escalated but what really helped me was cognitive behavioural therapy, there was on exercise I did which really helped me deal with the bully until I found a new job.

I agree with other posters though, this woman isn't bullying you but she is ignoring you and she is sanctimonious etc. Sadly you can't do much about that but you can report your safeguarding concerns.

I strongly suggest therapy for you with CBT as above though, it really does help.