Being Bullied Again - Is It My Fault..??

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My Other Current Thread

I was bullied as a school girl - dumpy, fat, definitely not pretty or popular

I was a victim of domestic abuse in my mid 20s

I was a victim of workplace bullying in my late 20s/early 30s

I'm now 48, and again, a victim of bullying in a Uniformed Organisation (details in my other thread, linked above).

I try my absolute best to be friendly, help everyone, judge no-one, and at work I am the "worlds best team player and have the most can do attitude ever" (actual quote).

But I also have very low self esteem, have suffered depression in the past and been on anxiety medicine for years.

You know that thing that's said - I can't remember the perfect quote - that if every friend keeps falling out with you, maybe its not THEM that are unlikeable, maybe its you...…

If I keep on being bullied - and its a 45 year history, maybe its not them...maybe its me...

In the situation in my previous thread I have ABSOLUTLEY no idea what I have done to deserve this - it all blew up on a camp weekend and I have relived and relived everything I did that weekend and I absolutely cannot see what I did wrong. Other leaders have either said I did nothing wrong (the main bully) hasn't said a single word to me since, so I have absolutely no idea what her problem with me is.

But maybe it is me...??

(Oh I work in a job where I cannot mn at all during the day so I will read every reply but I might be a while in answering questions etc)

I'm quite appalled having read the other thread. It comes across las if you reported the other leader for revenge as she isn't close with you and you feel you've lost out on money having pulled out of a trip because of the perceived bullying. You make reference to the fact the 'safeguarding concern' affects you more than the children and mention bullying (you). Your choice to whistle blow has impacted on not only this woman's life, but the quality of the service the children are accessing.
Use this time to reflect on whether you might be projecting or diarise the instances of bullying you've perceived and then think how you might want to approach this very separate issue instead of saying you have safeguarding concerns in regards to the children.

Thanks @Janedoughnut. I don't know how I missed that!

Well it appears I am very unreasonable.

Just to clarify a few points, especially on the timeline and others.

I did not threaten to report someone and then try and be friends. It was obvious on camp that this leader felt I had done something wrong, actually myself and the other unit helper. Leader stormed off in a rage without saying anything to us about what the problem was., and was sitting in her car on her phone for 2 hours. She didn’t speak to us for the rest of the camp and drove away early.

She then left the next meeting very early without having spoken to us, or looked at us at the meeting without a word of explanation as to what we had done wrong.

It was at this point, so over 4 weeks ago that I privately messaged her about meeting up/ coffee etc.

I still have had no explanation as to what caused this issue at camp.

I have had no answer from higher leader who has spoken to her about it, because she “doesn’t want to take sides”.

I suspect that using the term safeguarding has been a mistake on my part. I have concerns. I have concerns about her leaving us below ratio while she sulked, and when she left camp early.

I have concerns about the way she shouted at the girls who were doing something higher leader had told them to do.

I have concerns about how she spoke to our young leaders who are 14.

This has genuinely caused me a huge amount of upset and stress.

I was under the impression that “being ignored” or “being sent to Coventry” was part of bullying. Clearly it isn’t.

The reason I want to speak to someone higher up in the organisation (which has taken time to organise) is because I have been so upset by her behaviour towards me and our unit leader hasn’t addressed this, nor obviously has the leader concerned who hasn’t spoken to me in 5 weeks.

I think I’d be better just to walk away - i’ve Only been volunteering for 9 months which I did as a favour to my then friend.

I would like to think i’m Not a horrible person.

I haven’t reported her. I’m having a conversation because I have concerns.

It could be that she is deliberately sending you to Coventry: it could equally be that she is struggling, knows she isn't coping, knows she has handled things badly, is possibly near a breakdown.

If she behaved the same towards you and the other unit leader, that doesn't sound as if it's a deliberate bullying of you: it sounds as if it's her unable to handle things. I wonder a little why you originally told the story as "I am being bullied at work" and didn't mention the other unit leader and the girl.

I was under the impression that “being ignored” or “being sent to Coventry” was part of bullying. Clearly it isn’t.

It can be, but usually this is the case when a group is ostracising one person in order just to make them feel excluded, not when there has been a conflict and one person just doesn’t want to continue the relationship.

As I've understood it, something happened at camp that meant that X stormed off, leaving you and someone else to look after the kids. Due to this you had concerns and so are meeting with higher up leaders to complain about her. Is that right?

I don't see how this is bullying, although the storming off and not talking to you is strange. I can see why you're upset, but I would be very careful about throwing around accusations of bullying.

Come on op. Stop pretending you don't know why she's pissed off with you, something must have happened to make her storm off.

A lot of your posts have been ambiguous and disingenuous so I've trouble believing that you've no idea what made her initially annoyed with you.

You really do remind me of my ex colleague. Nothing was ever her fault and everyone had it in for her according to her. We could all see the bigger picture and it wasn't the blinkered view she had.

You're too worried about what people think of you.

Surely volunteering is meant to be about focussing attention on the needs of others. Perhaps you need to draw a line underneath this one, move to a different unit, or whatever, and start from square one with some lessons learned, one lesson being it isn't necessary to be friends with everyone, just get on and put energy into the volunteering not too much on trying to be friends with people.

Treat them like colleagues, you're all there doing a job, all doing it out of the goodness of your hearts. That's what really matters.

Pgqio

I GENUINELY don’t know and neither does the other helper. We were making lunch for the girls, making what we had been told to make. It was a lovely Sunday afternoon, we took it outside for the girls to eat because a) it was a gorgeous day for a picnic lunch and b) the dining room had been hoovered after breakfast and it would save us doing that again before we left.

Then the door slamming and sitting in the car started.

Genuinely that was what happened. Over analysing it all I can think of was that we made that decision to have lunch outside without running it by her, but I cannot think that would merit such an extreme reaction (the girls were already playing outside anyway).

And if that WAS what caused it, I have no idea why over 5 weeks no-one has said “you shouldn’t have taken lunch outside - that really upset leader”.

I genuinely didn’t say anything (I was making lunch, she was tidying the other parts of the building) that could have caused offence.

I know it sounds unbelievably improbable- I think that is why i’ve been so upset by it.... I genuinely have no idea what I did SO wrong

Struggling- that is pretty much the perfect summary. I’ll ensure when I speak to people higher up that I don’t personally use the word bullying in that case.

I GENUINELY don’t know and neither does the other helper.

So why did you decide this was a campaign of personal bullying against you? (and why you and not the other helper) Doesn't it sound far more likely that something is going wrong in her life?
And why are you still saying "what I did wrong" when there is no indication that this was directed at you more than at the other helper?

The more you post about her, the more it seems she has personal problems going on at home. You have no idea what her problems are, how they relate to you, I don't know. She sounds very private.

I'd just steer clear of someone if they made it obvious they had a problem with me. Fair enough, there are some people I personally dislike for various reasons and I stay away from them.

It sounds like you've offended or pissed her off, even if you're not sure how. She doesn't want to be friends. Words like whistleblowing or safeguarding don't apply to this situation.

I do take things very personally.

The other helper has been very upset by it too.

The reason I want to speak to someone higher up in the organisation (which has taken time to organise) is because I have been so upset by her behaviour towards me and our unit leader hasn’t addressed this, nor obviously has the leader concerned who hasn’t spoken to me in 5 weeks.

Do you really need to involve someone else in your petty squabble? You want someone else to ‘address it’ and make her be nice to you? Are you an adult, or not?

She hasn’t done anything to you! She just doesn’t want to speak to you. Get over it and move on. You sound like a nightmare to be honest.

You need to ask the group leader to mediate. Part of her job is managing volunteers. Tell her you cannot continue in your role with such a hostel environment and you've no idea why things are the way they are. Her job is to get in middle of things; she needs to sort this out. She needs to speak to the other woman, and speak to you and tell you what's going on and then have a sit down with both of you to sort it out.

But stop going on about bullying. She hasn't bullied you. She's disengaged from you, but she isn't bullying you.

I have said above that i’ll not use the word bullying- this thread has taught me that.

I can't imagine what the atmosphere must be like for the children in this place.

Organisations who use volunteers should still be managing their staffing issues in the same way as companies and organisations manage paid staff. They can't opt out.

The person 'in the middle' is just opting out and that's not fair or right. They should be asking the organisation for help in dealing with BOTH parties to resolve this for the sake of the young people in their presence.

*hostile not hostel!!

Is it in fact anything to do with you - if she was on the phone for 2 hours surely something else was going on and she was having issues and dealt with them badly and is in fact nothing to do with you at all.

This would explain (but not excuse) her behaviour as well to the others when people are dealing with outside stressors they can snap and be irritable

I do take things very personally.

This I think is your issue this is likely to be nothing to do with you at all. Have you asked her since if she is ok?

Bullying is very common place, usually prevalent amongst the ignorant, try not to take any notice, it’s their problem. Smile sweetly and look happy, this really irritates the bully. They will then move on to another victim.

I would speak to the person up the line. I would get them to investigate what's going on.

If she was on her phone for 2 hours maybe there is something going on in her personal life?
Now that you have expanded I can understand your concerns and it sounds like her behaviour spoiled the weekend somewhat.

So you don't have any safeguarding concerns about the children after all? It's very confusing - your first thread states you had safeguarding concerns enough to consider whistleblowing. Now you think you just "made a mistake" and only have "concerns" about the children and don't appear to have reported anything.

Yet you also say you're an educational professional? This is worrying if this is the case.