Being Bullied Again - Is It My Fault..??

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My Other Current Thread

I was bullied as a school girl - dumpy, fat, definitely not pretty or popular

I was a victim of domestic abuse in my mid 20s

I was a victim of workplace bullying in my late 20s/early 30s

I'm now 48, and again, a victim of bullying in a Uniformed Organisation (details in my other thread, linked above).

I try my absolute best to be friendly, help everyone, judge no-one, and at work I am the "worlds best team player and have the most can do attitude ever" (actual quote).

But I also have very low self esteem, have suffered depression in the past and been on anxiety medicine for years.

You know that thing that's said - I can't remember the perfect quote - that if every friend keeps falling out with you, maybe its not THEM that are unlikeable, maybe its you...…

If I keep on being bullied - and its a 45 year history, maybe its not them...maybe its me...

In the situation in my previous thread I have ABSOLUTLEY no idea what I have done to deserve this - it all blew up on a camp weekend and I have relived and relived everything I did that weekend and I absolutely cannot see what I did wrong. Other leaders have either said I did nothing wrong (the main bully) hasn't said a single word to me since, so I have absolutely no idea what her problem with me is.

But maybe it is me...??

(Oh I work in a job where I cannot mn at all during the day so I will read every reply but I might be a while in answering questions etc)

Just to echo PPs,
I have read this thread and your previous thread and I also cannot see how you are being bullied.
You have repeatedly said that you want to report this woman in accordance with the organisations whistleblowing policy,
but as far as I can gather all that she has done is refuse to engage with you,
It’s pretty clear you have probably upset her in some way and she has ended your friendship and does not want to speak to you.
Not wanting to be your friend isn't bullying.
Ignoring you isn’t the most mature way to behave but your constant attempts to try to force her to engage with you could be considered harassment.
she was probably “furious with you” on the recent trip because you won’t stop trying to engage with her and find out “what you did wrong”.
She doesn’t want to be your friend, leave her alone.

Your financial loss is of your own choosing, you were not made to cancel the trip, you chose to knowing you would be forfeiting the deposit, it was your decision.

I understand your anxiety is leading you to over think this and feel victimised but you really need to take a step back and try to see the bigger picture.
Just stay away from her and all your problems will be solved.

I'm finding this thread a bit difficult to follow but if I've got it right you want to report someone but still expect them to be friends with you?

She's not bullying you, she's quite rightly decided not to engage with you because she feels (rightly or wrongly) you've grassed her up.

Think about it. Would you be all pally and go for coffee with someone who'd done that to you?

I don't think what you've described is bullying per se. Bullying has to be deliberate, concerted, targeted, with intent to harm.

Having said that, I empathise completely. The silent treatment is a potent thing. Inaction is just as powerful and effective as action sometimes. I've had it done to me and it drove me absolutely nuts. I just wish this person could have talked to me like an adult - they didn't have to like me but, after being a mate, I feel an explanation for the cold shoulder was in order.

Try a bit of vaguely positive self-talk, maybe (I can never manage the over the top stuff personally) - you're not that bad. You're OK. You're only human.

If you report someone for safeguarding failings then of course you can't meet up for coffee and a chat about why they don't want to speak to you any more. Bit disingenuous of you to be wondering why she's blanking you and crying bullying.

Also, from reading the other thread it seems that other members of the organisation son't seem to agree that there is a safeguarding issue, and that the safeguarding issue you are concerned about is this woman shouting more than you feel necessary at the children.

Safeguarding reports are career ending, and extremley serious. That's not to say you shouldn't do it, but there must be more to this story. How are the children at risk of harm?

(teachers shout at naughty children all the time - it would not be considered abusive unless it was personal, degrading etc.)

Is that really it?

This woman isn’t bullying you.

It’s childish and silly to ignore you or give you the silent treatment, but that isn’t bullying. She’s under no obligation to like you, I’m afraid - if she wants to behave childishly, that’s her prerogative. Stop giving a damn.

You need to stop thinking of yourself as a helpless victim, and handing her power over you. You don’t even like the woman - if she wants to embarrass herself, why do you give a shit?

Ah, I missed the part where you wanted to report her for safeguarding failings.

Seriously OP? How disingenuous and underhanded. You can’t see why she wouldn’t want anything to do with you? In answer to your question, yes, it’s you.

There's one teeny change that might help you.

Don't see or call yourself a 'victim'. Instead, talk of yourself as a survivor.

You have come through terrible treatment in your childhood. You came through an abusive relationship and came out the other side. That's gone now. You are no longer a victim.

Survivors carry their experience, but they are positive about the woman that they have become. They give themselves credit. Perhaps it's time for you to think of yourself in a different light and follow the example of those amazing women.

I found this article very useful medium.com/thrive-global/an-empowering-way-to-respond-to-hurtful-people-fb83583d9d19

I know it's easier said than done but try to remove yourself from the situation. Look at it as from afar - pretend you're your own best friend. What would her advice be? Do you know why she's acting like this? No. Speculating won't help you and is giving her more power than she deserves.Pity her. Hopefully she will feel better about herself in the future and not do this to you or others in future. In the meantime, try as hard as you can to shift your focus to other people and things.

This is 5 weeks and she has removed herself from the leaders group chat group where we do the planning etc, despite not removing herself from being a leader

If she is actually removing herself from the chat group despite being a leader doesn't this suggest to you that she is struggling rather than that it's all about you?

Honestly op if you genuinely can't understand why this woman is blanking you and think she's bullying you then I'm sorry to say maybe some of your past experiences of "being bullied" were a consequence of a complete lack of self awareness.

100% agree with lemonsandlimes123. If someone doesn't get along with you it doesn't make them bully. Although as you suffered DV I understand it can knock your self esteem. Unfortunately you will meet a lot of unfriendly people in your adult life but that is life and I think you need to find a way to deal with it best you can and work on your self confidence.

I’ve just read your other thread. I’m a guider and lead a rainbows group and had you reported me for a safeguarding issue, I would be absolutely livid and would not be speaking to you either.

You need to put yourself into her shoes, who do you expect her to act with you?

she has removed herself from the leaders group chat group where we do the planning etc, despite not removing herself from being a leader

This isn't bullying, but as you've been a victim before, I can understand how you might think this. She has isolated herself from the group, not just you. It may be nothing to do with you at all! Just keep going with the group, and wait to see if she re-engages with you all.

You’re probably really nice and good at your job. People are jealous, plain and simple. I was bullied really badly at school and absolutely hated going everyday for three years. I caught up with some old classmates 10 years down the track and they told me my bullies were jealous of me because I was pretty and sporty etc. in reality I felt anything but because they told me I was ugly. Awful awful people

I don't know what went on before, but with the guiding issue it really doesn't sound like bullying, people don't have to like you.

You remind me of one of those kids at school who would do and say horrible things until no one wanted to talk with them any more and then would complain to their mum or the teacher that they were being bullied by everyone else.

This really doesn't sound like bullying.

Magenta82 - DP is a primary school teacher and they have that problem a lot.

The children usually have high functioning autism, they don't mean to be horrible but they don't understand unspoken rules (i.e. don't point out a spot on someones face just because you have noticed it, the person might get upset) and genuinely can'tunderstand why no one wants to play with them

You remind me of an ex colleague. She joined our team and would talk a lot about being bullied in previous jobs and was also in a couple of abusive relationships.
We were all very supportive and assured her it wouldn't happen here.
Within a very short time it became clear the problem was her.
She made personal comments about people to their face, claimed constantly she did more work than anyone else and was happy to throw any colleague under the bus in order to suck up to management.

We all began to withdraw from her and she kept asking about going on nights out/out for coffee with us when all we wanted was for her to leave us alone.

You sound very like her op.

Just to clarify, we weren't excluding her from anything, she was trying to instigate meet ups that no one wanted.

If this is the woman you decided to whistleblow on, then you're not being bullied.

I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you either if you formally tattled on me instead of trying to resolve the issue by discussing it with her.

You seem to have little self awareness and not seeing social cues or how to go about resolving issues. You decided whistleblowing was the first and only thing to do about a situation. Something like that should have been a last resort, not first.

Have you been to therapy? It probably would be very helpful.

This isn't bullying.

1 person not wanting to be your friend or go for coffee isn't bullying. She just doesn't want to be your friend.

In what way has she behaved horribly to you and the children? What is the whistleblowing for?

It sounds like you've done something to piss her off and she no longer wants to be friends or communicate with you, which is fair enough, these things happen. Not everyone has to be friends.

Agree with others that I have met a few people who always claim to be bullied, ostracised etc. You wonder why they always seem to be the common denominator. Can you think of anything you might have done that would make her not want to be involved with you anymore?

Where is this other thread? I feel like I only have half the story.

Op, do you always “do the right thing”, by filling out error forms, tell taling to the manager and whistleblow against colleagues instead of talking to them about mistakes they’ve made? Because that will never make you friends. I know someone like this at work, and although a lovely lady, she’s a right pain in the arse. When I first started she filled out an error form for a minor mistake I’d made, but didn’t ask me why I’d done that or whether I’d been trained properly. I’ve always been careful of her since.

saraclara OP linked to it in her first post.