Have I been unreasonable

[Wallywobbles]

DD is 14. Coming to end of this school. Big exams at end of term. End of school sleep over has been organized at girl friends house just after the end of exams. Said friend has a pool, smokes and has parents that are a bit cooler than I'm prepared to be. (And about a million times more than DH).

Dd asks if she can go. Yes no problem.

A couple of days later she says they'll be alcohol. So I'm ok with that. Trust DD to be less of an idiot than I was at her age. She doesn't like any of what's on offer. Should be ok.

Last night she says boys are invited and staying over too. Including her 16yo boyfriend. I'm not his biggest fan, he's too possessive and is constantly pushing for more, but on the other hand she's largely in the driving seat so not all bad.

So I say that she cannot sleep over but I'll pick her at 1am. She is seriously fucked off, but I don't think IABU. I know it won't stop them from having sex if they want to but she so far doesn't want sec. But add alcohol and skinny dipping into the mix and I'm not sure she'll be ok. (As a side note I think it should have been made clear to her/me from the off that boys would be staying over).

Then tonight she comes back from school wearing mascara. I absolutely hate makeup at school. She knows this. I suspect IABU on this point. I don't mind it for parties or occasions, and have been ok with that for a few years. But the school thing really bothers me.

So am I being unreasonable about the sleep over?
And am I being unreasonable about the mascara?

To my mind no on both counts.

I wouldn't entertain my 14 yo going to that party. Alcohol + teenagers + swimming is a recipe for disaster. I also wouldn't allow a 14yo to sleep over anywhere with a boyfriend. I don't car show uncool that makes me.

YABU about the but of mascara. Choose your battles.

I dont care how uncool *

Mascara - fine pick your battles.

14 - alcohol,boyfriend - no way

Thank you. At this age it's so difficult not to react and get her to back off for long enough to think before I jump.

YANBU about the party

YABU about the mascara

I would let the mascara thing go. My mum use to stop me from wearing make up at school when I was a similar age and I felt Like I really needed it to give me a drop of confidence so if a few strokes of mascara does that for her then so be it?

Not being unreasonable about the sleep over. If something terrible was to happen god forbid you would punish yourself for not sticking to your guns. 1am is more than reasonable and I can’t think why any parent would let a bunch of 14 year olds get pissed, go skinny dipping and have boys sleep over unsupervised. Maybe if the other girls parents were there and ensured the boys are sleeping and stay sleeping in a separate bedroom and the girls do the same then I wouldn’t see it as such an issue

Definetly not BU. She's pushing it. Give you small bits of info to see how you'll react then add another crumb to see how it will go. I wouldn't let her go to the party personally. Also are the kids parents going to be there?

Will the other kids parents be there? How many rooms have they got? Whats the sleeping arrangements? Its great that she's told you all this - and a testament to your relationship. I've got a 14 year old and i dont think i'd be happy with it unless the parents were sober and very involved. All sounds like a risky combo... the pool and alcohol especially.

Mascara? Meh. Choose your battles! All the best.

Mascara yes you are being unreasonable, at 14 a little bit of mascara isn't going to hurt.
Party-I'm torn, if she wants to have sex she will before 1am so I don't see that as a factor.
But a pool and alcohol I'm not sure I'd be happy about the safety side of that, kids can be very silly when drunk.
1am is a reasonable collection time.

Yup other kids in family one older brother and one younger brother. Parents will be there. Dad is the only one I've met.

I would put my foot down about the party. I wouldn't care if I wasnt cool.

Mascara - meh

My daughter and her friends often stayed over at mine from about 15 - I was the 'cool' mum, basically because I was the single one.

I was always there (upstairs) but basically about 10 of them slept in one room, loads of cushions, loads of quilts and pillows. I also used to wander down at random times. Not every night but sometimes more than once, enough so they couldn't predict.

Never an issue, they all slept in joggers bodies all over but no nudity or sex - some of them were at other times I think, but not when they all shared a room

There's one positive thing - she's told you all this. I wouldn't have told my mum lol - just would have gone and said it's a basic boring sleepover! So at least she's been honest with you.

I think that's what she's regretting- telling me- and why she's angry. She thinks I should trust her. She's not the problem to be honest.

As you say, with the boyfriend, if sex is going to happen it will. With or without a sleepover.

14YOs with access to alcohol and pool would be a huge NO from me and she could be as fucked off as she liked. Far too dangerous.
Stupid teenagers, drinking stupid amounts of booze and jumping in water.
The parents may be 'cool' but they need a slap if they put that above the safety of young teenagers who're in their care.

I'd let the mascara go. Pick your battles & all that.

As for the party, absolutely no way would she be going.

I think kids sometimes tell us stuff because they want us to say no to things they aren’t ready for. Then they can go to school and moan and bitch about how awful we are and not lose face in front of their friends.

This is sort of backed up by the fact she didn’t ask your permission to wear mascara - she felt ready for it, she wanted to do it so she went behind your back rather than asking for permission. If she felt ready to go to that party she would have lied to you about it, as it was she drip-fed you details until you eventually put your foot down. I’m sure that’s secretly what she wanted.

I actually think 1pm is a bit late for a 14 year old but if that’s what you and she have agreed I’d stick to it.

As for the mascara, I’d let it go. She sounds like a very sensible girl and as such she deserves a little harmless rebellion. As long as she is prepared to take the punishment if she gets caught!!

As others have said - the mascara I wouldn't be bothered about.

Young teenagers drinking with a pool around would scare the hell out of me, and that's without spending the night with her older boyfriend.

Mascara is the least of your worries in this one!
No to sleep over. If she does have sex or any part thereof, that could happen at 4pm, the sleep over is irrelevant. However, id want my potentially pissed teenager home so I could make sure she is safe.

YANBU. My DD is 16 and hasn’t had any mixed sleepovers yet. In the last 6 months we’ve allowed her out till around midnight and she gets dropped off to and picked up from everywhere. We’re really close and I trust her but while I’m responsible for her I’m limiting the risks. IMO 1am is very late for a 14 year old but you know your child. Have a chat about not mixing drinks and not drinking anything that has been out of her sight. Reassure her that she can call you at anytime no matter what happens. Good luck OP, teen years are HARD.

That’s way too young for all that, YANBU at all. The mascara I would let go but the alcohol, skinny dipping, boyfriend party ..... she is lucky you are letting her go at all to be honest. Where will the parents be when all the alcohol, naked swimming etc will be taking place?

Absolutely no to sleepover. I’d probably have said midnight. I’d be happy to explain it was drunk teenagers I don’t trust. Drunk horny teenagers and drunk swimming teenagers.

And if I had a pool I’d be petrified at the idea of teenagers drinking and swimming on my property.

YANBU you are right in this instance. All my fears rolled into one.