Have I been unreasonable

[Wallywobbles]

DD is 14. Coming to end of this school. Big exams at end of term. End of school sleep over has been organized at girl friends house just after the end of exams. Said friend has a pool, smokes and has parents that are a bit cooler than I'm prepared to be. (And about a million times more than DH).

Dd asks if she can go. Yes no problem.

A couple of days later she says they'll be alcohol. So I'm ok with that. Trust DD to be less of an idiot than I was at her age. She doesn't like any of what's on offer. Should be ok.

Last night she says boys are invited and staying over too. Including her 16yo boyfriend. I'm not his biggest fan, he's too possessive and is constantly pushing for more, but on the other hand she's largely in the driving seat so not all bad.

So I say that she cannot sleep over but I'll pick her at 1am. She is seriously fucked off, but I don't think IABU. I know it won't stop them from having sex if they want to but she so far doesn't want sec. But add alcohol and skinny dipping into the mix and I'm not sure she'll be ok. (As a side note I think it should have been made clear to her/me from the off that boys would be staying over).

Then tonight she comes back from school wearing mascara. I absolutely hate makeup at school. She knows this. I suspect IABU on this point. I don't mind it for parties or occasions, and have been ok with that for a few years. But the school thing really bothers me.

So am I being unreasonable about the sleep over?
And am I being unreasonable about the mascara?

Let the school pick her up for the mascara if it's against their rules. Tell her if she cops a detention she has to suck it up. Otherwise, YANBU about the party. Not sure at 14 I'd be letting her stay that long / go at all but mine are younger so I'm hesitant to give advice on that.

You have said 1am pick up. Move that back by an hour every time she argues.

The mascara thing I wouldn’t be bothered about. The party doesn’t sound all that safe but maybe the adults there plan to supervise? The only problem I can see with you putting your foot down about the party is she might not tell you things in future. Most teenagers go and drink (amongst other things they shouldn’t!) at some time so just to play Devil’s Advocate maybe it’s better she’s doing it in someone’s house with parents present. Not sure what I’d do here, it’s a tricky one.

My parents used to say something along the lines of:
they trusted me but they didn’t trust other people. The world is wonderful and we want you to explore and enjoy it but the reality is when you drink you make yourself vulnerable.
you are still learning about the adult world so naturally aren’t equipped to deal with it immediately. You have to learn over time and being in a situation where you don’t have control or experience/knowledge of can lead to bad situations which can be upsetting/harmful/fuck you up because some people are awful.

Yanbu about the party
Yabu about the Make up

I think kids sometimes tell us stuff because they want us to say no to things they aren’t ready for. Then they can go to school and moan and bitch about how awful we are and not lose face in front of their friends

This

I like to think I'm a fairly chill parent, but alcohol plus swimming plus boys at 14? No fucking way lady. You are not even in the same universe as unreasonable there. And 1am is a very generous pick up time!

Mascara I agree with the others, pick your battles :)

My biggest worry would be the mixture of the alcohol and the pool.

I’d want to talk to the party parents about how they were going to manage that.

I dont think it's an age thing, I think pool + alcohol + pushy men is a recipe for disaster at any age and you're right to object. 14 is too young to deal with that scenario

1am party at 14 yanbu.Shes lucky you are letting her at all tbh

Mascara no biggy.

Party, not a chance in hell.

Even 1am is too late, I would be thinking 11pm to try and get in before the crazy kicks in properly.

I honestly can't believe you're even allowing her to stay until 1am. As you can see by this thread, she should think herself lucky as not many people would allow her to set foot in that environment at only 14, including myself.

The mascara really shouldn't be an issue. You're picking on her about it because it's something you particularly don't like. She's not wearing a full face, and most schools won't be bothered about a bit of mascara.

She's 14!! YADNBU about the party. I'd be keeping a close eye on her friends if they are allowed do this sort of stuff. This would be a priority if she's easily influenced. Their parents clearly lack responsibility and boundaries. You will be unpopular in your DD's eyes for now but when she grows up and matures, she will be glad.

The mascara wouldn't be such a big deal as long as she keeps makeup to a minimum (mascara and lip gloss). It's more about teaching her about self respect, self worth and that there's more to a person than just their looks. Does her school have rules about makeup?

She is only 14 for goodness sake, so no alcohol.
The mascara, it really depends on the schools rules about make up and you should be supportive of that too.

Can you speak to the hosts? Could there be some exaggeration going on? I wouldn't want any teenager anywhere near a pool with alcohol around.

PS I wouldn't care less about the mascara, she can face the school over that.

I think kids sometimes tell us stuff because they want us to say no to things they aren’t ready for. Then they can go to school and moan and bitch about how awful we are and not lose face in front of their friends
^ This was certainly true of me. I wanted my mum to say no. Unfortunately my mum allowed me to go. She considered me grown up because she was sent out to get work at 14.
However strong you think she is don't underestimate the effect of peer pressure for her.

I was recently at a talk by a drugs/alcohol/teenage researcher (Paul Dillon). His opinion is that you pick your child up at the time that matches their school year (Yr 10=10pm).

I am in Australia, too. Young teenagers, late night, alcohol (and there will be drugs, too), cool parents AND A POOL?

Lady, you need your head read.

What's to stop her doing all those things you don't want her to do before 1am

Hahaha. No. Mine wouldn’t be allowed.
Mascara? Meh, that’s fine.

I have a 14 year old who is actually very sensible but there is absolutely no way she would be going to that party
No issue at all with the mascara though

Another one here that thinks Goodideas has hit it spot on, it's certainly what I did until I was confident enough tof say no to things myself.
Pool plus alcohol is a big no from me. Yanbu and more than fair

Fine with mascara.

But no to the party. How are you so sure the parents are going to be there? With alcohol and smoke? Really?

Personally, I'd be absolutely fine with the mascara thing in comparison to this sleepover.

Absolutely no about the party if boys are staying over. I wouldn't be too worried about a gaggle of girls.

I would allow a little mascara if it doesn't get her into trouble with school.