Have I been unreasonable

[Wallywobbles]

DD is 14. Coming to end of this school. Big exams at end of term. End of school sleep over has been organized at girl friends house just after the end of exams. Said friend has a pool, smokes and has parents that are a bit cooler than I'm prepared to be. (And about a million times more than DH).

Dd asks if she can go. Yes no problem.

A couple of days later she says they'll be alcohol. So I'm ok with that. Trust DD to be less of an idiot than I was at her age. She doesn't like any of what's on offer. Should be ok.

Last night she says boys are invited and staying over too. Including her 16yo boyfriend. I'm not his biggest fan, he's too possessive and is constantly pushing for more, but on the other hand she's largely in the driving seat so not all bad.

So I say that she cannot sleep over but I'll pick her at 1am. She is seriously fucked off, but I don't think IABU. I know it won't stop them from having sex if they want to but she so far doesn't want sec. But add alcohol and skinny dipping into the mix and I'm not sure she'll be ok. (As a side note I think it should have been made clear to her/me from the off that boys would be staying over).

Then tonight she comes back from school wearing mascara. I absolutely hate makeup at school. She knows this. I suspect IABU on this point. I don't mind it for parties or occasions, and have been ok with that for a few years. But the school thing really bothers me.

So am I being unreasonable about the sleep over?
And am I being unreasonable about the mascara?

Very interesting thank you all.

Mascara-ok I'll let school deal with it. I know that it's to do with my upbringing that it is an issue - for me to sort and not my 3 DDs. The younger ones will be pleased that battle has been won!

Her argument is that she doesn't like beer or vodka (don't think she's ever tried it or any spirits) so she won't be drinking. Alcohol is a bit of a tricky one. DDs Dad (not DH) is a really mean drunk and an alcoholic. So she's tried it with me around and she would normally choose a panaché, which is a less than 1% shandy.

The reason I'm ok with the party is that it's like an end of GCSE party. We're in France so the exams are a year earlier than the UK. She's worked hard. Has been excepted for an exceptional school for next year and I think she deserves a party.

Partly my guilt is at play because it's our choice to live in the arse end of nowhere but it's shit for the kids social life.

Apparently parents will be around and present. But we will see.

She away tonight as she's sitting a couple of public exams tomorrow, but we will discuss it all after DHs 50th party tomorrow evening.

She is a good kid and I do trust her, but I was a wild child and her dad was bloody insane at this age.

Ps if there was a pool + alcohol it would be a definite no unless I was sure it was going to be properly supervised. You say that the parents are "cooler" Than you but hopefully responsible at the same time?

As the parents will be there I think it highly unlikely they will permit skinny dipping and will try to ensure the kids don't get drunk.

Maybe you're exaggerating the permissiveness of them, are you really sure these people will allow the kids to get drunk, skinny dip and have sex? At 14? Are you sure?

I suspect they won't.

The mascara I wouldn't give a shit about. But I'd speak to the parents and ask about the party just say I'm concerned as you're hearing boys and booze.

Just wanted to it's worth having a safe word she can text you will pick her no questions asked, no punishment. Sometimes they get themselves in situations they are uncomfortable with but don't say no because them don't want to lose face.

I would not have allowed my 14yo to go to that sleepover, no. No sleepovers with boys. No parties with alcohol at that age either.

How well do you know the party girl's parents? Will they supervise?

Pool and alcohol is a very bad mix.

Why is her bf 16? IME it's usually better if they're in the same school year - less chance of the bf being pushy about sex.

Make-up - meh. I'd much rather have dd with a face full of make-up than a boundary-pushing bf. That is very worrying.

Reconsider your priorities, OP!!!

She is a good kid and I do trust her, but I was a wild child and her dad was bloody insane at this age.

And you're going to allow something that most posters on here wouldn't. So you're still a little bit of that mindset.

Poor you sounds like a nightmare. I have a nearly 14 year old boy and I wouldn't let him sleep over under those circumstances.
There are so many dangers. Drinking, drugs, pool and sex.
I'll talk to your dd and I'll explain how terrifying this is for you.
I think the compromise of picking her up at 1am is super reasonable or she doesn't go.
I know she is going to be upset but if you give in now she'll expect permission for more in the future.
Have you talk to her about contraception?
Most be so hard for you right now.

She may not drink at the party, but what if her 16-year-old boyfriend does? Is she able at 14 to deal with his possible alcohol-fuelled advances?

My eldest is 30+ so i have been there way too many times, tell her what you think and why you think that way and what your rules are then ask her what she thinks is acceptable then go from there, compromise will be needed, it is like haggling ! if she wont comprimise or continues to stomp put your foot down yell at her and say the deal is off the table and she is not going.
She will hate you until she nexts need something but at least she wont have drowned in the pool.
One day you will both like each other again (honestly)
P.S have a large drink

I usually think parents are being over protective on these threads but that sounds like a recipe for disaster. I also wonder whether she told you because on some level she knew you'd say no.

Make up I would let go

The rest of it would be a no from me, as personally I would feel i would be allowing her to be in a potentially vulnerable situation.

I've got 3 DDs. And they've all gone to parties like this. The rule with mine was they could drink beer, cider or wine but they were to stay off shots and spirits. And that they had to go with a fully charged phone and ring at the slightest whiff of trouble going on.

I did many a 3am mercy dash to collect them, when the parties got out of hand. Because they always do.

You just need to judge how much trust you have in her, and how much influence over her the BF has. I'd be having a chat to him about it and your expectations of his behaviour as well as her.

I was quite a laissez-faire parent when my dd was a teen but there is no way on earth she'd be going to a party with boys, alcohol, etc at 14.

If she's kicking off about it I'd use that as the reason she can't go. Be prepared to be called all the names under the sun.

Then after the party has happened and she has heard all the horror stories about what went on (and there will be) she'll be thankful you didn't put her in the position to be making decisions that she's not ready to make yet.

Peonies a hell of a lot could have happened by 3am though.

Mt DD is 13 and no way would l be letting her go to a party in a years time, that looks like that

For me alcohol plus pool would be a problem. I have a lot of experience with teenagers and swimming. You have to be vigilant, have enough sober adults on poolside and anybody swimming should not be under the influence.

The rest of it sounds worrying, but the above would be enough to make me say no.

Dd19’s v strict all-girls school allowed natural looking makeup from yr 9 onwards (so 14+) so I said the same. Mascara at 14 is a complete non-issue.

Wrt the party DH actually would have said 11pm pickup; I may have said 11.30 and I’m a soft touch. So you were very generous with 1am!

Like pps,I’m inclined to think your DD told you everything hoping you would lay down strict boundaries. I used to say to mine “just blame us” because her friends knew how protective DH was. In a way it was a bit of a relief for her because it got her out of some sticky situations.

I would make it VERY clear to your dd that it is never her you don’t trust; it’s other people and the combination of alcohol, smoking, lax parents and a pool. That you know she is sensible and smart but even that isn’t enough to keep her safe at 14 so you and DH have to do that for her.

If she’s never tried gin, vodka and other clear spirits you could add some to juice/soda and see if she can smell/taste the difference so she’ll know if her drink’s been spiked.

I have been through this twice as a dm with two very different dds and in our case awful consequences.

I was pressurised by dd1 to attend a party with a sleepover. I did not like her friends and sought assurances about sleeping arrangements after the party. I collected her the following day and she was in a terrible state. Older boys were at the party, 18 plus. I won't go into any further details other than CPS felt there was insufficient evidence for a conviction and I bring up her son.

DD2 - went to a nearby party with her friends whose family we knew. We were not told the mother would be allowing alcohol despite being one of the most judgemental people I have met. I was rung at around midnight to collect my dd - which was the right thing to do. I asked dd what time it was, a dead giveaway with her and drink and she said it was twelfty. I went and got her straightaway.

I am sure there will not be a disaster of the proportions of dd1 op, but are examples of how things can and will go wrong at different levels.

Go with your gut. I didn't and often think what if I could turn back and clock. But, I would be without my grandson.

I have a 14 year old boy.

Party with alcohol?
You don't trust the parents?
With added sleep over and boy/girlfriends?
No.

They can certainly have sex when they want, but adding alcohol, peer pressure and lack of supervision can easily lead to a situation where she's not in control.

Maybe the 1am limit, and any complaints and she wouldn't be allowed to go to the party at all.

They test the boundaries. We are the ones who should keep them.

I have got my own DD out of situations by being very strict. It saved her face, put the blame on me and avoided the peer pressure.

At 14 they think they are invincible. As parents we need to protect them.

No way, she could easily be pressured into something she didn't want, plus alcohol and swimming pool no way one of my friends teens drowned last year at a party.

Don't care about the mascara.

My 14 year old wouldn't be going to a party with alcohol and a pool and admittedly lax (not cool - lax) parents.

I see a lot of people through my job who have been messed up by lack of guidance and a laissez faire, ‘Ah, they’ll do it anyway’ attitude. There is a lot to be said for experience, rather than being ‘cool’. 14, alcohol, boys and parties. No, not here.

As a parent of a 17 year old -
I'd say a definite NO to party involving alcohol at 14. I wouldn't care two hoots if I was considered an arse for it by my DC, 14 is too young to be sending them on their way with alcohol in hand.
Sometimes as a parent you have to make decisions for your child which they won't like but you are their advocate and you get to decide what is right and appropriate for them. You have to protect them from vulnerable situations and being 14 and potentially drunk in a house with little or very lax parental supervision would make her vulnerable.

I think @Horsemenoftheaclopalypse said it well. A grown up chat thanking her for trusting you enough to talk about it all. Make it clear you trust her in return but it’s other people and the situation you don’t trust and your job as parent is to protect her until she has enough experience to deal with situations herself.

I suspect you’ll let her go no matter what so as someone else suggested have a safe phrase she can use if she needs you to come get her, pick her up at midnight. And I hope she’s on the pill if she’s got a pushy boyfriend and you’ve talked about boundaries and what is in porn is not normal or necessarily safe.