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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been unreasonable

107 replies

Wallywobbles · 13/06/2019 22:38

DD is 14. Coming to end of this school. Big exams at end of term. End of school sleep over has been organized at girl friends house just after the end of exams. Said friend has a pool, smokes and has parents that are a bit cooler than I'm prepared to be. (And about a million times more than DH).

Dd asks if she can go. Yes no problem.

A couple of days later she says they'll be alcohol. So I'm ok with that. Trust DD to be less of an idiot than I was at her age. She doesn't like any of what's on offer. Should be ok.

Last night she says boys are invited and staying over too. Including her 16yo boyfriend. I'm not his biggest fan, he's too possessive and is constantly pushing for more, but on the other hand she's largely in the driving seat so not all bad.

So I say that she cannot sleep over but I'll pick her at 1am. She is seriously fucked off, but I don't think IABU. I know it won't stop them from having sex if they want to but she so far doesn't want sec. But add alcohol and skinny dipping into the mix and I'm not sure she'll be ok. (As a side note I think it should have been made clear to her/me from the off that boys would be staying over).

Then tonight she comes back from school wearing mascara. I absolutely hate makeup at school. She knows this. I suspect IABU on this point. I don't mind it for parties or occasions, and have been ok with that for a few years. But the school thing really bothers me.

So am I being unreasonable about the sleep over?
And am I being unreasonable about the mascara?

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 14/06/2019 00:01

Then tonight she comes back from school wearing mascara. I absolutely hate makeup at school She knows this

So you’re fine with your 14 year old getting drunk with her 16 year old boyfriend at a pool party till 1am.

But you’re upset about...mascara 😳

Hithere12 · 14/06/2019 00:02

Mascara is the least of your worries OP

PositiveVibez · 14/06/2019 00:09

My nephew is 14 and there is no way on this earth my sister would let him go mixed sex sleepovers where pool/alcohol/teen relationship was involved.

It's an absolute recipe for disaster.

DD is only 10 now, but in a few years, I couldn't see myself allowing this.

The mascara isn't even a factor here, so put a pin in that one OP

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2019 00:16

YANBU about the party. You might think she's in the driving seat, but - party, alcohol, peer pressure; in that environment - I'd rather she wasn't put in that position.

The mascara wouldn't bother me.

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2019 00:26

Blimey.

You have strange priorities, OP.

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 14/06/2019 04:13

Just to clear up one point. I don't know there will be skinny dipping. But at her age in a mixed group I know that is exactly what we did.

OP posts:
SnowsInWater · 14/06/2019 04:33

I wouldn't say an outright no to the party, next time she just won't tell you or will lie about the things you object to, but I would be picking her up at midnight. It's common here (Aus) to have a lot of people staying over at teenage parties, generally they will all crash on sofas etc. as most houses have a large "rumpus room" but most parents I know do check that there will be parents around. Luckily 16yo DD prefers her bed so usually asks to be picked up and she appreciates we don't want to stay up any later than midnight to come get her. If there was any sniff of a boyfriend she wouldn't have any choice but to come home Grin

Shequakes · 14/06/2019 04:51

Tricky. Because next time she in unlikely to be honest.

My main fear here isnt sex of skinny dipping. It's a bunch of children drinking and a pool.

You need to chill on the make up. She is 14. Kicking off about this sort of stuff is going to create problems between you. Unless the school has a problem with it (my 15 year old school doesnt have an issue with 'natural make up'), you really need to chill out on this.

As for the party, if you let her go all sorts could happen. If you dont, you wont ever get the full details off her again.

Can you speak to the parents to get a feel for how supervised this will be.

We did a sleep over at our hobby. Movie night, games and then all slept over. Boys and girls from 10 - 17. We made it clear we had made arrangements for girls and boys to be separated and watched supervised.

CJsGoldfish · 14/06/2019 05:32

It would be a no on the party. Don't care what other parents do, but my child isn't going to be drinking at 14. I'm not one of those "oh but what can you do?" "...but they're all doing it" kind of parent so no to the party.
The make up is not an issue for me (and I generally don't wear any)

PregnantSea · 14/06/2019 05:36

I would tell her she's getting collected at 1am or she's not going at all (and tbh I'm surprised you'd collect at 1am for a 14yr old, I think that sounds very relaxed).

I would let the mascara thing go. It's almost impossible to police that and as others have said, pick your battles.

itsagoodlife · 14/06/2019 05:50

I have a 14dd as well, so know where you are with this.

It would be a no way from me re party. I would be collecting her at 11pm or she would not be going at all. I would also contact the parents to ensure someone is supervising the pool area at all times.
She is 14. She needs you to look out for her, even if she doesn't know it. I would also assume she herself feels a little worried, otherwise she wouldn't have told you.

Re: Mascara, tell she is beautiful just as she is and does not need make up, and keep telling her. You could buy her an eyelash curler as compromise, the effect is the same. Pick your battles op.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/06/2019 05:51

Swimming and drinking is a terrible mix for kids who are not used to alcohol, I would be terrified!

Mascara - YABU.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/06/2019 05:59

Ds3 now 18 had the same girlfriend from 14-17. Her mum always picked her up from our house at night when we were hosting sleepovers even though their whole crowd of friends were sleeping over. All the friends thought it a shame she couldn’t join in with the whole thing, but they all accepted it and it wasn’t a problem.

It was slightly sad for her that whenever her mum found out they were both going to parties/sleepovers she was always picked up and missed out on the sleepover experience with her friendship group at all the friends houses, but at 14 yanbu to pick her up.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/06/2019 06:04

Mascara Yes, YOU hate make-up, not your daughter, as long as she’s not walking around like coco the clown however.

Sleepover absolutely not, not in a million years.

Medievalist · 14/06/2019 06:10

Mascara - can't see an issue
Sleepover - I wouldn't be happy
Pool and alcohol - NO WAY

BabyDueDecember2019 · 14/06/2019 06:15

YABVU re mascara

14 is too young for sleepovers with boys and booze

Amibeingdaft81 · 14/06/2019 06:22

So very odd.

To lump alcohol/drugs/older boys/swimming pool/sleep over party in the same thread as expressing concern about... mascara Confused

The mascara - i would let go

The party would be a point blank no. And not even to pick up at 1am. It would be a firm and immovable “no”

FionasWineShow · 14/06/2019 07:02

It does seem odd to so vehemently die in a ditch over the mascara, but be OK about boys + alcohol + pool....

Thatnovembernight · 14/06/2019 07:14

That party would be a big no from me at 14. I’d offer an 11pm pick up or not going at all.

I’d have zero problem with mascara.

mmmhazelnutchocolate · 14/06/2019 07:18

Would I let my 14 year old sleep over at a house with drinking, smoking and a boyfriend I felt pressured her? Absolutely not.

I'd let her wear all the mascara she likes though.

Frouby · 14/06/2019 07:21

Those parents will be scooping sick out of that pool the next day. Is that more or less glamorous than off a carpet? Am not sure.

Absolutely no way would dd (also 14) be staying over. And I wouldn't be happy about a pushy 16 year old boyfriend either. Such a big gap at that age. And I would personally warn him that if he even looks at her in a way she wasn't comfortable with he would regret it.

Mascara is a non problem.

BruceAndNosh · 14/06/2019 07:23

The added worry is that if they do try and have sex before 1am, after a drink or two most people get a bit cavalier about contraception.

Mascara - let it go but if it's against school rules, she faces the consequences

PanteneProV · 14/06/2019 07:26

I wouldn’t fight the mascara, it’s not a lot of makeup for a 14yo.

You absolutely aren’t being unreasonable about the party - 1am is generous for a 14yo.

I would be very concerned about the 16yo boundary-pushing boyfriend - that’s by far the most worrying thing in your OP.

Hahaha88 · 14/06/2019 07:26

I don't get your logic here op, any of the things you're worried about happening can just as easily happen before 1am . It just doesn't make sense to pick a rather arbitrary time that it's all ok until but after that is a no no. Personally, I wouldn't let her go at all. But if she's going she's going, there's no point with the 1am pick up.

Re mascara, if it's against the school rules I wouldn't let her wear it. If it isn't fine let her crack on

MashedSpud · 14/06/2019 07:31

Why are the parents serving alcohol to under 18’s?

What smoke are we talking about? Weed?

Skinny dipping and a mass sleepover.

There’s no way on earth my DD would be attending but she could buy all the colours of mascara she wants.

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