Have I been unreasonable

[Wallywobbles]

DD is 14. Coming to end of this school. Big exams at end of term. End of school sleep over has been organized at girl friends house just after the end of exams. Said friend has a pool, smokes and has parents that are a bit cooler than I'm prepared to be. (And about a million times more than DH).

Dd asks if she can go. Yes no problem.

A couple of days later she says they'll be alcohol. So I'm ok with that. Trust DD to be less of an idiot than I was at her age. She doesn't like any of what's on offer. Should be ok.

Last night she says boys are invited and staying over too. Including her 16yo boyfriend. I'm not his biggest fan, he's too possessive and is constantly pushing for more, but on the other hand she's largely in the driving seat so not all bad.

So I say that she cannot sleep over but I'll pick her at 1am. She is seriously fucked off, but I don't think IABU. I know it won't stop them from having sex if they want to but she so far doesn't want sec. But add alcohol and skinny dipping into the mix and I'm not sure she'll be ok. (As a side note I think it should have been made clear to her/me from the off that boys would be staying over).

Then tonight she comes back from school wearing mascara. I absolutely hate makeup at school. She knows this. I suspect IABU on this point. I don't mind it for parties or occasions, and have been ok with that for a few years. But the school thing really bothers me.

So am I being unreasonable about the sleep over?
And am I being unreasonable about the mascara?

Mascara, meh. Soooooo not important. And yes, there are a whole bunch of messy outcomes from the teens+alcohol+sleepover combination, but the biggie for me is that teens+alcohol+pool could potentially equal DEAD. That's the one I'd need to sort out, and you can only do that with the parents. I'd need massive reassurances about when the alcohol was available and when the pool would be cordoned/locked off. Essentially is want at least two sober adults at all times and no access to the pool after a certain time and amount of alcohol.

Have you spoken with the parents? What is their idea of supervising the party. Trust your gut. If you are in a remote area, is there good phone coverage for your DD to call you?

I'd probably let mascara go, but totally not unreasonable on the party.

Thé party is still a couple of weeks off. So I'm going to wait a bit to see how plans change before I finalize my decision.

Midnight seems late enough. Any later might be too late for the parents anyway.

Safe word will be implemented. We have one but a reminder will be useful.

Once there seems to be a final version of what's happening I'll contact the parents for their side.
Then I'll make a final decision.

I've really taken on board the reasons why she told me and that it's my job to protect her. We will talk about it a lot.

What I can't quite get my head around is why other parents aren't saying something.

We talk a lot about contraception, porn, safe sex etc. And I mean a lot.

She's had an unusual childhood due to paternal abuse. We've been through the court system a lot. She and DD2 took their father to court twice so she's seriously brave and I'm very proud of her. But she is also 14.

I don't have any advice as my DD isn't at that age yet so not sure what I would do in your situation. However I was a terror at that age and there is no way I would have told my mum there was alcohol and boys there etc. But instead I would lie and end up in quite dangerous situations and my parents would think I was safe. So for her to have the maturity to tell you I think is great and definitely something that should be rewarded. If you don't let her go she may not tell you next time, but as others have said it's not her that can't be trusted it's other people. She actually sounds like a really mature, good kid and you sound like a great mum too.

@Poppi89 thank you. I never feel like I'm doing a good job. The teen years are challenging in a different way.

Yanbu re sleeping over with her boyfriend present.

Yabu re the mascara