I want him to leave.

[MumHowDoYouSpell]

I have a terrible fear of spiders, there was a spider in our living room today. OH managed to capture and kill it very quickly.

He scooped it up in a tissue, then he came really close to me and taunted me with it, then eventually threw it on me.

Some may say that it's humour and banter, since it has happened I've had two showers.

OH has apologised and I believe that he is genuinely sorry, I've asked him to leave for a few days but he thinks I am joking.

I would never ever do something like that to him, I was petrified and he continue to taunt me with it.

This is absolute nastiness, omg i cannot even go there to even think about it because i am the same. What he has done is beyond horrific, abuse plain and simple abuse.

Omg I would have killed him. I had a friend once pretend to throw a spider on me and I punched him out of pure terror. This is so much worse. He used your fear against you and laughed. Does he not understand that he is supposed to be someone you can trust?

This isn't going to be a popular opinion here, but I think the Op needs to think long and hard about her reaction.
What effect does her extreeme reaction have on her Dc's, isn't this just perpetuating this very irrational fear.
Yes her DH was very cruel to taunt her like this but she needs to get some sort of treatment to contain her reaction, if she's considering chucking out her DH because he threw a spider at her.
There are a lot of people who are hysterical about spiders and I imagine her Dh saw it all as a huge joke, cruel yes, but some sense of proportion is needed here!

I don't think it's that much of an overreeaction to want to evict a person who deliberately, cruelly tortured you with your worst fear and laughed about it. If he'd just Tasered her repeatedly because he thought it was funny to see her convulse, would so many of you be telling OP to get over it?

My dad used to do this to me. It's a power trip. They like holding that fear and power over you.

My husband knows about it and would never do it to me. He always washes his hands after dealing with one as he knows I see him as "contaminated".

I've just cried on your behalf, and for the feelings it has brought back to me. To do that, and to now ignore your request and further belittle your feelings, he is taking away any control you have. Myself personally could not continue in the relationship.

It’s more the fact that he started doing horrible thing that is the issue.

Maybe if he had done it in the early days of their relationship it would be more easily forgivable because he may not have known the impact of OP’s phobia.

But to know and live with someone for years, have children with them, know their phobias and then do something so cruel marks a change in his behaviour. That would upset me.

I usually agree with a majority on threads instinctively; but this one has me floored with the support you are getting. "I don't like it so KILL IT NOW", instead of 'I don't like it, just move it somewhere else'. Your reality is only yours and not his or anyone elses. Give him a break, he doesn't understand your 'irrational fear'. What is the spider going to do to you? YABVU to not try and come to terms with your own irrational fear.

What is the spider going to do to you? especially now it’s dead. OP this is a massive reaction to have to a dead spider that can’t do you any harm at all (and in the UK couldn’t have done when it was alive either). OP you need to do something about tackling this completely irrational fear. Your DH probably didn’t realise your fear was that extreme and just thought he was having a laugh with you. I’ve been known to scoop live spiders up in my hands and chase screaming DH round the house with them. He laughed when he’d finished screaming.

I have absolutely no practical advice or ideas for you OP, but I just want to offer my support and say that I also, would be utterly distraught by this.
I appreciate leaving someone you have two children with over this one isolated incident may be an overreaction, but I don't know that I could reconcile myself with the 'why?'.

Like a PP said, he's been with you for years, had two children with you, presumably he KNOWS you're terrified, so doing this to you seems utterly cruel rather than a misjudgment. And his reaction to your ongoing distress doesn't help.

My arachnophobia is severe and by my own admission - quite ridiculous, but my fear and fear responses are completely genuine and I CANNOT (presently) HELP THEM, my family know this, and if they ever were to misjudge my fear and upset me, they would take it as seriously as my response warranted IYSWIM. And panic attacks ongoing after the event should be enough for him to sit up and realise the depth of your fear response and be kind and understanding about it now.

FWIW my utterly awful and very emotionally abusive Aunt uses one of this as her favourite power plays with her children and me. - Not saying this was his intention, but to give reference to the power acts like this can have.

@Ginger1982

Yes I am a very anxious person, and OH knows this.

@booboo82

I feel a lot better now, of course I didn't want to end my relationship with him, I was just angry and annoyed I just wanted him out of the house for the night.

He knows not to do something like that again.

What he did was horrible.

However, that house is also his home. Telling him to leave isnt somethingbyou can enforce or will actually help.

Also, you need to get help for your anxiety. Saying he does things that bother you, and those things are doesnt answer the phone everytime you call him is verging on controlling behaviour.

If a woman posted her husband had an anxiety attack everytime she didnt answer her phone and labelled it as something she does to make him unhappy, the consensus would be that it was controlling and abusive.

Poor spider.

He knows not to do something like that again.

Really? Surely he knew about your phobia before he did this.

He's wearing you down and you'll just go back to the way it was until he does it again.

julensaor what a stupid, spiteful comment.

@KatherineJaneway

I honestly don't think he will do it again.

There are a lot of people who are hysterical about spiders and I imagine her Dh saw it all as a huge joke, cruel yes, but some sense of proportion is needed here

I don’t think it’s remotely disproportionate that the OP is distraught that somebody she loves and whom she ought to be able to trust completely chose to be incredibly cruel. I wouldn’t tolerate cruelty from a partner.

@julensaor

When did I ever say I wanted to end it with him?

For you to come on here and write such a horrible comment tells me that you're not a nice person.

Nice people don't come online and write horrible things, we are all women here and we are suppose to be supporting one another.

Please go and sort out what it is that is troubling you, I pity you.

Hope you're feeling better today op. He sounds like a knob, it was really unkind of him. Hope this is an isolated incident and not part of an overall pattern of nasty behaviour

A lot of downplaying phobias here. I dont like spiders, but I don't have a phobia of them. I do have a genuine phobia of something else I have counselling for. To say 'get over it' or it isnt a big deal is like telling someone to 'get over an asthma attack' without an inhaler.

Sorry this happened OP. I imagine you were genuinely terrified.

@Shoxfordian

Thanks, I don't think he will do something like that again. Hopefully he has learnt his lesson.

The house is in OP's name, it's HER house. If he'd hit her none of you would be suggesting she couldn't ask him to sleep somewhere else tonight.

This kind of behaviour is pervasive and gross. It's abuse. He knew she was phobic and he deliberately did it then laughed about it. It's not funny having something like this happen to you, it can cause lasting trauma. As for over-reacting, it's not that easy to control a phobic reaction - whoever said you need to consider your reaction clearly doesn't suffer with a phobia.

OP I would worry that him getting away with flat refusing to sleep somewhere else will lead him to have all the power in the relationship. Is there anyone you can call to help you get him to leave the house for the night? It's not right that he won't allow you your emotional space to recover. Don't let him minimise this shit, it's nasty.

Arse I'm sorry, didn't realise this was posted last night! In which case I hope you're feeling better this morning OP and that he's being less of a total dick.

@Damntheman

Thanks, he has taken the boys to school this morning and I told him to not come back until he has collected them.

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night so I want to take this time to relax.