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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want him to leave.

126 replies

MumHowDoYouSpell · 13/06/2019 19:51

I have a terrible fear of spiders, there was a spider in our living room today. OH managed to capture and kill it very quickly.

He scooped it up in a tissue, then he came really close to me and taunted me with it, then eventually threw it on me.

Some may say that it's humour and banter, since it has happened I've had two showers.

OH has apologised and I believe that he is genuinely sorry, I've asked him to leave for a few days but he thinks I am joking.

I would never ever do something like that to him, I was petrified and he continue to taunt me with it.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/06/2019 21:42

I think unless you've suffered from a real phobia, it's difficult to understand or realise just how badly it affects you. My ex mil had a phobia of snakes. One day at work, someone thought it would be funny to drop a rubber snake on her desk whilst she was sitting there. She ended up having to take the rest of the week off work, as she ended up having a funny turn, panic attacks and all sorts.

Your dh should know better!

Original poster
MumHowDoYouSpell · 13/06/2019 21:49

@WhoKnewBeefStew

I have been having panic attacks throughout the day, I haven't eaten since it happened.

OP posts:
Antigon · 13/06/2019 21:53

YANBU, that was a horrible thing he did. I’m not scared of spiders but I have a terrible fear of the dark and if my DH ever locked me in a dark room I would never forgive him.

It’s good you’re standing up for yourself. Funny how he’s telling you you’ll make yourself sick when you’re feeling this way because of his actions.

Mrskeats · 13/06/2019 21:57

He’s awful. It’s also awful to kill a spider. I hate them also but my dh puts them outside.
He’s not nice.

MondeoFan · 13/06/2019 21:57

Why did he kill it? Totally unnecessary

GabriellaMontez · 13/06/2019 21:58

Nasty.

His response is just as bad. Grovelling apologies for a moment's madness would be appropriate.

Original poster
MumHowDoYouSpell · 13/06/2019 22:04

@MondeoFan

I don't know why he killed it, I hate spiders but I would never do them any harm.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 13/06/2019 22:05

Sorry, but I think that if you don't want to even look at him, you are the one who needs to leave for a few days.

Antigon · 13/06/2019 22:09

@OhDear

Why should she? He’s a knob and the house is in her name.

glitterfarts · 13/06/2019 22:12

I have a spider phobia. Some one at work thought it'd be funny to put a plastic tarantula on me.
They called an ambulance. I stopped breathing.
Phobias are not funny. They're not a fear, much, much worse than fear. It's a physical reaction which lasts days. Every time something unexpected touches you, you freak-out again.
DH would never dream of doing something so cruel. He's no saint. Your DP is a pig.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 13/06/2019 22:16

I'm pretty sure that, if the boot was on the other foot, and a man demanded that his wife leave the family home because she'd hurt/offended/insulted him, there'd be uproar on here - regardless of whose name the house was in.

booboo82 · 13/06/2019 22:16

why is the answer always to bloody leave ????? it's a nasty joke not funny at all and have a go at him for it yes but why does he need to leave???? no wonder relationships don't bloody last these days ! it's hardly a dv incident , he hasn't cheated he made a poor decision and that's that !

tttigress · 13/06/2019 22:25

Look you've got 2 kids with him, say you live him, but want to throw everything away over a not very funny joke.

I get that you might not like spiders, do you not think you are over reacting.

You need to take a few deep breaths and think clearly.

peachgreen · 13/06/2019 22:26

Anyone who doesn't understand the seriousness of this doesn't have experience of phobias. My husband has a spider phobia and if I did this to him - which I would never dream of doing - I would fully expect him to leave me. It would be so unutterably cruel. I'm sorry OP, what a horrible thing xperience.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/06/2019 22:29

Can he - or you - sleep on the sofa?

I think rather than kick him out as a "punishment" it might be more productive to ask him for some space as his actions have been very detrimental to your well being.

He clearly doesn't understand how much this phobia affects you, and is trying to hurry you back to your old self. If you explain -perhaps without so much blame at this point - that you need some space to get you requilibrium back. Then when you feel a bit more your old self, have a chat about how much what he did affected you. He has never doen it before. I would trust he will never do it again.

I would also ask if you might consider some support such as CBT for the phobia - it sounds like it can be really problematic for you.

Rachie1973 · 13/06/2019 22:30

I get the phobia. I have a few of my own but sorry I think asking him to leave is completely over the top.

Munchkingoat · 13/06/2019 22:39

My mother has a terrible phobia of spiders, I've seen how badly it affects her. This is unutterably cruel behaviour and I don't think OP is overreacting at all - her DH must know how bad her phobia is.

My Mum would be less scared by a psycho chainsaw killer chasing her. Fact

BMW6 · 13/06/2019 22:49

Well, you can't make him leave can you. I think that if you can't be in the same house with him you should take yourself to a friend or relative or b & b for a couple of days.

I know you have dc but dh will have to step up and take over whatever you do for them till you come back.

I have a terrible spider phobia too and my dh would never ever do that to me. He sounds rather cruel if he does know what a phobia actually is.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 13/06/2019 23:00

One of the things I love about my DH is that he's never ever mocked my fear of spiders. I'd be horrified if he did what yours did!

Missingstreetlife · 13/06/2019 23:07

Yes boohoo it is abuse

Booboosweet · 13/06/2019 23:09

He has been a complete cunt. If someone there's spider at me, I actually don't think I could forgive that.

martinidry · 13/06/2019 23:10

You can't make your husband leave the family home and persisting in asking or telling him to go it's just going to wind you and him up further. I understand phobias, I have a couple myself, I'd understand if you went ape at him but telling him to leave the home to which he presumably contributes isn't the answer. All it does is leave you with no cards to play with in the event of a serious problem, such as if he was cheating. Save those cards for another day (which hopefully will never come).

You're overreacting when this isn't a "make him leave or let him get away with it" situation. It isn't either/or.
There are alternatives which don't involve you banging your head against a brick wall. Insisting that he leaves is futile.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/06/2019 23:19

You can't make him leave over one incident like this, it's a nasty thing at worst and an ill judged prank at best. You are asking him to leave his home and children. You've said he's never done anything like this before, he's a good partner and you love him.
Aside from the phobia you sound very anxious, eg around phones being answered straight away, every time, are you getting support for this?

Ginger1982 · 13/06/2019 23:19

You sound like you're a very anxious person in general.
I think you are within your rights to be very angry with him but kicking him out is a bit extreme.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/06/2019 23:20

A night or two on the sofa should give him time to reflect

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