I want him to leave.

[MumHowDoYouSpell]

I have a terrible fear of spiders, there was a spider in our living room today. OH managed to capture and kill it very quickly.

He scooped it up in a tissue, then he came really close to me and taunted me with it, then eventually threw it on me.

Some may say that it's humour and banter, since it has happened I've had two showers.

OH has apologised and I believe that he is genuinely sorry, I've asked him to leave for a few days but he thinks I am joking.

I would never ever do something like that to him, I was petrified and he continue to taunt me with it.

Ok, it was stupid at best and nasty at worst but surely you’ve got to look at your relationship as a whole.

Is he a good person?
Does he make you happy
Is he normally thoughtful and kind?
Do you love him?
Is this out of character
Is he a good dad (if applicable)

I would say it would be unwise to end your relationship in isolation of this incident.

Completely agree with pp. if you need some space, you should leave for a few days.

You can't just make someone leave their home for teasing you with a spider!

He's shown you who he is, hasn't he?

Your fear would have been absolutely obvious to him as he taunted you and he still threw it on you.

He doesn't respect you but you can respect yourself and get him out of your life.

I understand how you feel

Once, several decades ago, DH vaguely waved his hand containing a caught spider in my general direction

He never did it again

My partner did something similar but less bad (he pretended there was one on me). I was really upset and traumatised. The fear and anger seemed to feed each other- every time I remembered the fear I remembered it wasn't even necessary and I was raging! Took me ages to forgive him.

It was pretty normal stuff in his house growing up (mine too) and after I'd calmed down we had a good chat about how we wanted to parent and not just meanly take the piss out of our kids, as it's actually really hurtful to be bullied by someone that you love.

@WallisFrizz

Ok, it was stupid at best and nasty at worst but surely you’ve got to look at your relationship as a whole.

Is he a good person? - Yes
Does he make you happy - Yes
Is he normally thoughtful and kind? - In some ways
Do you love him? - Yes I do, and I'll never stop loving him.
Is this out of character - Yes, he has never done something like this before.
Is he a good dad (if applicable) - He could be better.

I would say it would be unwise to end your relationship in isolation of this incident.

I don't want to end the relationship with him, I want him to leave for a few days, every time I look at him I am going to think about what he put me through today.

Yes he has apologised but then gone on to tell me relax because it isn't that serious

He thinks it is not that serious because he doesn't really understand you or care that much about your thoughts or feelings. If it is not serious to him, that means it is not serious. How it feels to you it irrelevant.

Does this person actually have any love or respect for you? I am terrified of spiders, if my DH did that to me I'd seriously doubt he had any affection for me at all. He doesn't do that, instead he gets a glass and a piece of paper and captures it and takes it to the end of the garden, like a normal caring adult. I'm working really hard at not shrieking like a banshee as he's asked me not to pass my phobia on to the kids which is fair but he gets that I am genuinely terrified. Your DH is unpleasant.

It’s more than a spider issue this is about him knowing your fears and playing on them to cause discomfort and terror. It’s about power. Kick the little shitbag out. He’s not a guy to depend upon.

Even if he thought you were just a bit scared rather than phobic, that's proper crazy behaviour! You don't throw a spider at someone! Im not super keen on spiders and I can usually get close enough to catch or kill them and I'd be livid if someone threw one at me. I'd most definitely be kicking my husband to spare room at least until I can understand why he'd think that was ok.

My friend has a worm phobia. I once chased her with one and she cried. We were 7. We are now in our 30s and I understand now that it wasnt just funny teasing. Doesn't sound like he understands---or perhaps he is unwilling to take you seriously.

I was petrified and he continue to taunt me with it

Please. please think about what this means.

I understand you were scared, but asking him to leave is a over reaction in my opinion, and that’s probably why he is not leaving. Why don’t you show him some articles about spider phobia so he understands it’s a real thing and how it makes people who suffer from it instead. Ask him to read them tonight so he understands

I am the one who has to rid the house of all flying/ buzzing/ legged creatures that come in, as DH hates them (and we get a lot as we love rurally) .. and he clears all worms (shudder) off the patio when I am moving pots etc .

I would never taunt him with his fears, nor he, with mine
That is love and respect..

Your 'D' P minimising your fear is NOT love and respect.

I wouldn't stay with anyone who treated my fears so inhumanely , End of.

Teasing you is one thing... throwing it on you is disgusting behaviour. Get rid!

live rurally!! (that sounded like we are some kind of countryside pervs!!)

I'm not afraid of spiders at all. I will happily scoop any I find up in my hands and take them outside.

HOWEVER I would NEVER expect anyone with a phobia to touch one, and I would certainly never throw a spider at someone with a fear of them. I mean, I'd never throw one at anyone-it's a really dickish thing to do.

Hope you're ok OP

O that's a really shitty thing to do, I would be both livid and terrified.

I've just been downstairs to speak to him, I have asked him if he can give me some space for a few days.

He has said that he is not going, it happened hours ago so I should be over it now and I will make myself ill if I keep on speaking about it.

I've have to wake both boys and put them in our bed, I have been so disorganised with them this evening.

OH was suppose to do the bedtime routine.

Tell him that he IS going, it's a statement of fact not a request. How long have you been with him? Is he the children's father? At the end of the day it may be his home but it's your house, your name on the deeds. He grossly over-stepped the mark with what he did. A few days away will give him time to reflect on that, staying means he'll just continue minimising it.

If my dp did that to me I would make him leave too.

@EileenAlanna

I have been with him for over 8 years and yes he is the children's father.

On the whole we have a good relationship but he does do certain things I don't like.

What else does he do that you don’t like?

@lyralalala

Sometimes when I call him he doesn't answer his phone and I get worried, I do worry about him a lot because he suffered from a stroke two years ago, he recovered very quickly and is still able to do most things that he used to be able to do.

The worst is when I go out and leave him at home with the boys then and when I call no one answers the phone, I automatically think something has happened.

I love him so much, but he has really upset me today.

Here's my experience: my OH knows I have a phobia but would never taunt me with it. He knows I would feel hurt and angry.

It's not as bad as, say, infidelity! but still a betrayal. He is supposed to want to cherish and protect me, not scare and belittle me like a playground bully.

What the OP's OH has done is basically unmanly. Not girly or childish, just less than she expects of him as a partner, and she has lost some respect for him.

If you don't respect someone you can't love them. OP's OH should realise he's on shaky ground and ought to be working very hard indeed to make it up to her.