Here or is my friend being awful?

[onefootinthemud]

I have started dating a guy,we get on so well and I really like him.
He is my good friends friend.
She has known him years and socialises in a group with him.
Every time me and him chat when she's around I feel her eyes burning the back of my head.
She's tried to cause trouble between me and him by saying I'm a bunny boiler and that I'm super jealous person (I'm neither)
Anyway on Friday me and her and her friend are going to Scotland for a concert.
Well I thought we were ...
Everything is paid for but she's turned around and said I'm not welcome in her car as I clearly prefer him over her.
I said that she was being ridiculous and I'm sorry she feels like this,I said can we clear the air and sort this out.
She sent me page after page of abusive messages saying I was a awful person and hope it doesn't work between me and him.
Once again I said we have been looking forward to this event for ages,I haven't done anything wrong.
She said I've been giving him all my attention and to go and ask him for a lift.
I've sat and cried all night.
I do all sorts for her.
I've done her shopping,made her tea last week.
Lend her money /clothes etc
Why is she being so awful?
She's never excluded.

She is an absolute mad woman. Before this she 'owned' you and you did everything she asked. She made the decisions and you followed her faithfully. Now someone else is 'controlling' you and she doesn't like it him having control over you. She is really angry at him taking you away from her, but she takes it out on you because she knows you will take abuse from her and still love her.
Her friends are her possessions that she uses to manage her feelings. She doesn't see them as people.
She sounds like someone with Narcisstic Personality Disorder.

I would write off the concert and cut all ties with her. She sounds extremely jealous, but even so, this isn't an acceptable way to behave. I think we've all probably been in situations where someone we've had a crush on gets with someone else and we have to sit and watch it unfold. Yes, it hurts, but you stick on a smile and get on with it, not verbally abuse them.

How much was the concert ticket, you’re going to have a crap night if you go. Is the cost worth the agro getting it back?

They are mostly her friends....have you got any other friends outside of this group that she created? Don’t respond to those two friends. They could be shit stirring. You are the vulnerable one here because she’s group leader and you’ve just been ousted. I’m guessing he hasn’t told her that you’re dating and also all of the females in the group are now bonding over gossiping over you and him. You’ve become gossip fodder and she doesn’t like that you are the centre of group attention and not her. It’s classic group female behaviour. Next she’s going to go into organisation overdrive. She’ll organise group events and leave you out. Just be prepared. Delete her from social media now so she can’t rub your face in it.

would be by myself anyone as she's said they are her friends and I would be getting ignored

Why are you letting this person be so nasty to you? Cut her off. Don't try to speak to her, thst just gives her more opportunities to be nasty to you. Of course you shouldn't go on the trip, you would be crazy!

Cut your losses.
I had a friend like that who turned on me when DP and I started dating. Didn't get it at all as she was engaged and planning her wedding, but she stopped talking to me pretty much overnight.

When we got a bit more into the relationship DP admitted that prior to us getting together, she came on to him (while still engaged) and he had politely declined. So I guess she was jealous after all.

It was hurtful at the time but now I can see how everyone viewed her antics.

I would think it would be an unpleasant experience if you did go, and she would make sure it was.
She has gone as far as rearranging the rooms. You'll incur more expense booking more accommodation.

This sounds like the behaviour of a badly behaved teenager not a 31 year old woman. It's appalling.

Like others have suggested, I reckon that there is more to this as it's irrational. She either has history with the guy or fancies either him or you...
Either way, cut your losses and wash your hands of her, friends or decent people do not behave this way.

Get your bf to get the ticket back and go with him.You have the messages,keep them in case she goes even more batty.

She doesnt like the fact that you are not at her beck and call now.

I would just ignore her now,all she wants is a reaction.I wouldnt give her the satisfaction of giving her one.

What shall I say to him?
Friend is behaving really strangely. She's told me I'm not welcome to come to X anymore as she doesn't like us dating but she won't give me back my ticket to sell on either.

I don't want to spoil him and hers friendship. I would never get in the way of that.
Don't be such a doormat. She's not your friend or his.

I don't understand why it has to be like this.
I hope it doesn't put him off me.
If it has, you're well shot of him, he's as unreasonable as her.

Write off the concert ticket and distance yourself from the so called friend.

Talk to your boyfriend and show him the messages to let him know what is happening just so he has an overall picture and will be wary of comments coming from her in the future. If two other people have noticed and have commented to you and they are longer standing friends of hers then that is quite telling of how her attitude towards you has changed.

I would message the two people you were going with along the lines of. Really sorry to miss the concert was looking forward to seeing you both. Unfortunately x has said I’m not welcome as she’s unhappy about my relationship with (boyfriend)

I would show boyfriend the messages, she clearly jealous of one of you, or maybe both. Either way you don’t to have to keep being forced into situations with her because you’re trying to preserve their friendship.

If there’s really nothing else to the story then she’s clearly batshit and you don’t want to let her cause problems between you and him or you and your friends.

She clearly isn't a good friend, you need to assume that the friendship has come to an end and cut her out of your life. The Scotland trip sounds like the world's worst nightmare.

I just have to ask whether you have seen and spoken to her a lot less, seemed less interested in her since you started dating him and whether this is something you have done before?

I only ask because I ditched a friend who was only interested in me when she was single. Every single time she got into a relationship she would pretty much ditch me entirely and only come running back when the relationship went sour... Happened three times before I cottoned on and stopped talking to her.

If not then she’s just jealous by the sounds of it. Either she’s into him or you or she doesn’t like the fact she can’t control you anymore...

I just have to ask whether you have seen and spoken to her a lot less, seemed less interested in her since you started dating him and whether this is something you have done before?

I think in the opening of a relationship thats perfectly normal.And her friend is friends wiht him,so they still hang out together.

The friend is jealous,i would show your bf the messages and take it from there.

Me and her were sharing a room but she's cancelled the hotel room and she is jumping in with them two.

Wow, she's being a massive bitch. You really don't deserve this OP. The friendship is well and truly over. I suspect her friendship with your boyfriend may well be over too if you show him the messages she's been sending you. Although I'm guessing she may be all sweetness and light to him as she obviously wants to get in his pants and this is why she's being so awful to you.

Time to move on and find a new friend. I hope your boyfriend also sees her for who she really is and does the same.

I had a friend who was like this.

She dated a guy for 4 months, they decided not to continue dating but were still distant sort of friends. 8 years later she had a DS and was happily with someone else. She was still friends with this ex.

Him and I met at her birthday party and we got on so, so well. Instant magic. She was furious when I told her we decided to date and forbade me from seeing him!

10 years later, we're very happily married with a fantastic life and I never saw the jealous cow again!

it was actually here who told the guy I like him
You say you’ve been a pushover with her. Perhaps she thought he’d reject you and you’d look stupid. Whatever her motive she is not your friend.

I think sending a text like FairyBatman has suggested or at least to the more empathetic ones is a good idea. I also would tell her as she is refusing to return your ticket you expect a full refund.

She is definitely not your friend and frankly nasty.

Good that you've kept the messages.
Show your boyfriend them as way of explanation.

I wouldn't be drawn into bad mouthing her.

I would simply say "I am very hurt that she could be so nasty and vicious towards me, it's in my best interests to avoid that kind of crazy behaviour. I feel sorry for her".

And leave it at that.
Good luck.

Yes text the two friends and say “sorry I won’t see you at the concert. Friend X has said I’m not welcome and has cancelled our hotel room! Really weird. Not sure what I’ve done wrong to make her so angry. Hope you have a brilliant time. Be good to catch up when you’re back and hear all about it. See you for dinner one night?” Then book plans to see each friend individually. Divide and conquer. See each friend on your own solo and keep doing that. If she’s this angry then she will take it out on somebody else at some point soon so keep the light burning on those other friendships.

I’d screenshot the messages, let him see them and then ditch her or both depending on how he reacts.

I imagine she likes being centre of attention. Perhaps the two of you together makes her feel left out. Are you very touchy feely? I remember inviting my friend and her new boyfriend round for dinner and every time I left room to bring in food, drinks they were full on snogging. It made me super uncomfortable - she then accused me if not liking him. I didn't get a chance to get to know him - she always had her tongue down his throat.

I would say that even so, this friendship is over and I would back off. If your new boyfriend suggests going out - just say, I don't think she is taking us getting together very well. If he pushes, show him the texts but don't make the mistake of running her down or name calling. Keep it classy, she can dig her own grave.

Yes text the two friends and say “sorry I won’t see you at the concert. Friend X has said I’m not welcome and has cancelled our hotel room! Really weird. Not sure what I’ve done wrong to make her so angry. Hope you have a brilliant time. Be good to catch up when you’re back and hear all about it. See you for dinner one night?” Then book plans to see each friend individually. Divide and conquer. See each friend on your own solo and keep doing that. If she’s this angry then she will take it out on somebody else at some point soon so keep the light burning on those other friendships.

That’s a bit...intense.

Divide and conquer??

You can text the other two saying sorry you won’t see them or whatever, but don’t start trying to get into oneupmanship.

How have you left things with “friend”? If I were you I’d ignore her from now on. Literally blank her.

If boyfriend brings it up, you can be honest about it.

But all these plans to feed the drama are a bit teenagery for my liking.

Why is she being so awful?

Because she is 12?
Because she's a spoiled little princess?
Because nobody calls her out when she pulls shit like this?

Isn't the real question "why am I bothered, now that ex-friend has shown me her true colours"?

Really, You are better off without this Grade A drama & posturing in your life. Focus on your new b/f & forget this whingeing twit.

I wonder if when she told him you liked him, she expected him to tell her he liked her instead.

None of it is excuses her behaviour.

Had you already paid your share of the hotel room?

When she told him she clearly didn't anticipate him reciprocating. She's jealous as hell. Whether that's because she want him or that she's no longer the centre of attention. Or both. Either way, she's not a friend. Get the ticket from her and any money owed for the hotel room. You can give the ticket to someone else or not go. I'd be suspicious she's already given your space to someone more favourable to her.