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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you sign this?!

305 replies

Istherealawyerinhere · 12/06/2019 13:04

Would you sign something your PIL wanted after marriage to say that anything your husband inherits you have no claim to should you get divorced (and vice versa).

I just don’t think that’s how my marriage works and I think inheritance becomes OURS (from both sides) and would be ours if the worst should happen. But possibly IABU and people do this often?

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 13/06/2019 03:12

The cart is really after the horse here. You have already entered into a contractual relationship with your husband; putting caveats on that contract should have been done beforehand, not afterwards.

It is an oddly controlling thing to do. I wonder if there are any other contractual objections they want to make. If you'll forgive the hypothetical, your husband's money could be equally if not more in jeopardy if he, say, invested the bulk of it into a project that crashed. He could lose all of it, not just half. Are they trying to prevent him from making those investments by ensuring all money is kept in a low-risk, low-yield trust?

If not, perhaps you could ponder why you and your family are the only investment they seem to be worried about.

Nat6999 · 13/06/2019 03:15

I can kind of see where PIL are coming from, they want to leave any assets to their son for his benefit & his children in the future & want the money to stay in the family. Too many marriages that appear to be rock solid end in divorce. I'm already divorced with a child & when anything happens to my mum will jointly inherit her assets with my brother. I'm already looking at seeing an inheritance specialist to help me write a will that means when I die my ds will inherit everything, but I want to protect everything I leave ds as I, know his dad my exh will be wanting to get his hands on it. Ds is autistic & I want to make sure that everything is watertight so his dad can't in any way get a penny of what I leave ds.

Pinkprincess1978 · 13/06/2019 05:44

I'm glad my in laws don't feel like this. They have a more traditional life though where mil gave up work to be a sahm and they share everything. She has even said how her small inheritance from an Aunty was kept in a high interest account for years and the interest was what they used for holidays.

There has never been any talk of us not sharing what comes our way within our marriage. I think the only time it shouldn't is if the marriage was on the rocks when the inheritance comes. That then isn't fair. Also if the inheritance includes family land and or a business which should remain in the family and not sold off.

Other than that it's fair game in a marriage where everything is shared equally.

IAmNotAWitch · 13/06/2019 05:47

They can make whatever arrangements they lik in their wills.

Doesn't mean the OP has to feel obligated to sign anything.

user1480880826 · 13/06/2019 06:21

I can’t believe how many people are telling you to sign it! I think it’s totally unreasonable. The PIL are treating you like you are not part of the family.

I am set to inherit far more than my husband but would never consider the money/property to be just mine.

DO NOT SIGN.

I’m glad to see your husband is also on your side.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 13/06/2019 06:30

I wouldn't sign it.
I would expect my DH to tell them that he's not asking me to.

MyOtherProfile · 13/06/2019 06:33

Maybe suggest they leave their inheritance directly to any grandchildren?

RiversDisguise · 13/06/2019 06:42

I would get my own legal advice.

I would probably be happy to sign it but I think my hot headed husband would sever ties with his parents tbh!

Fortunately, my surviving parent in law treats me like a daughter

DisneyMillie · 13/06/2019 06:44

My parents have put a trust in place for any money they leave so it goes to me and my children but so my dh could not take 50% on divorce. Obviously assuming we don’t split he’ll benefit from it as it will enhance our lifestyle but I think it’s right to sign and I wouldn’t want half of anything he inherited if we split either. My dh is fine with this - he didn’t touch his ex wife’s inheritance when they split - it was left to her.

This is my second marriage, we’re very happy but aware things don’t always work out, why should everything parents have worked for go to someone outside their direct family.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 13/06/2019 07:19

I would sign it. DH and I are both professionals earning a similar salary (although he can do overtime) and working full time. We pool finances.
However if we split up, our assets would be split equally as they have been earned in the marriage. I wouldn't want to take half of any inheritance he may receive, and I would hope that he would act in the same manner. I would also be making sure he paid CM though.
However, in your circumstances, it needs a little more thought. You are a SAHM and your earning potential is diminished. If I were in your shoes, I would be taking independent legal advice, from a solicitor of your own choosing. I wouldn't completely disregard the idea of signing, but I would want it to include appropriate provision for DC and support for you as you have sacrificed your ability to earn by looking after your joint children. You will need to make it work equally as favourably to you and DC.
This has got me thinking about whether my ILs would do this. I doubt it, but I think that they would pressure him to put it in his own name rather than our joint accounts. That's fine with me 🤷

Original poster
Istherealawyerinhere · 13/06/2019 07:21

The split of opinions on here really does represent my confusion over whether or not to sign!

Funnily enough, my MIL is a SAHM and has always been and they split things equally.

I suppose it also makes me think they think our marriage will fail!

It’s just not something it would never occur to me to do, creating such a caveat. My mother’s inheritance is large and she doesn’t like some of her DILs but has just accepted that what she leaves is for us and our partners and our decision what we do with it (not that I care about this either / frankly I would like her to spend it all and have a very good time).

This has made me feel like I’m not a permanent part of the family in their eyes.

Again, I was happy to sign something about the trust itself, but I do feel it’s different when the money becomes DH’s.

I really appreciate all of the opinions though - it certainly makes me feel justified in my reticence.

OP posts:
Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 13/06/2019 07:21

Oh and ignore people telling you to sign it because it's not enforceable. It can be - look up the case law on bailii.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 13/06/2019 07:23

The split of opinions shows that there's no right or wrong answer. It needs to be what's right for you and your family, which is why legal advice is essential.

NoParticularPattern · 13/06/2019 07:24

I feel like this would have been a non-issue if they’d said “if you divorce prior to inheriting the money then you don’t have any claim to it once (now ex) DH does inherit it”. That would be fair enough. Why should you be entitled to access money that was not yours when prior to the time of inheriting the relationship had broken down to the point of divorce? But this doesn’t appear to be what they’re saying. They appear to be saying that, regardless of the potential timeline of events, OP would not be entitled to that inheritance upon divorce. She could potentially be in a position where she has had the benefit of that inheritance for 20 years only for her DH to run off with his secretary and strip her (and any children) of it all.

No chance on this planet would I be signing anything like that. Fair enough if it was only in the event that you divorce prior to inheritance, but otherwise they are trying to control an aspect of your relationship which will have zero bearing on them. Since they’ll be dead and all.

Figgygal · 13/06/2019 07:24

They clearly don't like you and expect you to split
They sound lovely

Don't sign and tell them to piss right off

Original poster
Istherealawyerinhere · 13/06/2019 07:30

I think that what I also dislike about this is:

  1. the PIL have not actually discussed it with me at all. Maybe it’s childish but I would have felt better having one of them call me or meet me to say “this is nothing personal etc”.

  2. it’s just not what DH was told it would be. So we are slightly blindsided.

DH is going to go back to lawyer and explain that we are happy to sign the document as it was originally supposed to be, but do not want to sign anything pertaining to our marriage and how we handle our finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
Istherealawyerinhere · 13/06/2019 07:31

NoParticularPattern

You have explained part of the predicament much more eloquently than I have been, thank you! Everything you say is correct to my mind

OP posts:
IAmNotAWitch · 13/06/2019 08:17

You would have to be a special kind of stupid to sign something thinking that it won't matter because it is unenforceable.

Signatures matter.

Think, question, read, get advice.

herculepoirot2 · 13/06/2019 08:18

OP, you and your DH are indulging them by even entertaining this. They have been very rude to you. I feel quite differently to the way you seem to feel (up to you of course) about your DH’s part in all this. If he is totally on side, why isn’t he telling them to do one, and that he and his wife will deal with their own affairs? He seems to be trying to walk a line in the middle here, and you really need him not to.

Original poster
Istherealawyerinhere · 13/06/2019 08:24

herculepoirot2

At this point he is hanging onto the idea that the lawyer has come up with this all on his own/it’s a standard document been drawn up and we can have it whittled down to just the trust part. He doesn’t think it’s what his parents meant or suggested.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 13/06/2019 08:25

He just needs to say no, he isn’t engaging with it.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 13/06/2019 08:27

Nope from me

herculepoirot2 · 13/06/2019 08:32

Lawyers, by the way, don’t send out documents that clients have not instructed or seen.

greenlynx · 13/06/2019 08:41

I strongly believe in joint accounts and sharing everything. We share all assets probably more then the most on MN. But I think it’s different with inheritance. I’m completely with HicDraconis on this and wouldn’t see any problem with singing.
Inheritance is like a gift. It will then up to your DH to share this gift with you or not. He could buy a house on your name or just put them on your joint account or spent them on holidays with you. If you are such a great unit you will discuss it together - end of story.

Original poster
Istherealawyerinhere · 13/06/2019 08:48

greenlynx

But we have discussed it. Of course he will share everything with me, but the problem is the idea that my in laws don’t naturally assume that will be the case and are trying to dictate terms.

OP posts: