Would you sign this?!

[Istherealawyerinhere]

Would you sign something your PIL wanted after marriage to say that anything your husband inherits you have no claim to should you get divorced (and vice versa).

I just don’t think that’s how my marriage works and I think inheritance becomes OURS (from both sides) and would be ours if the worst should happen. But possibly IABU and people do this often?

PIL trying to interfere in your marriage even after their death - appalling.

Their son chose to marry the OP, which by definition means sharing assets
She is no longer a live-in partner

(I wonder if the PILs didn't want the marriage, but didn't dare oppose it)

The PILs can find other legal ways to protect their assets, without asking their DIL to sign away rights and make her marriage "lesser"

PILs assets = their business
OP's marriage = the business of OP and her DH

I'll be honest here & although I am not totally devoid of principles, I'm relying on eventually getting some inheritance from pil as we struggle & they are relatively loaded. The thought that there will be provision for dc prevents me from worrying about our poor financial state.

I don't think I'd be happy about Signing anything but I wouldn't want it to sour my relationship with them, though it does indicate to me that they haven't totally welcomed you into the family & that's a bit hurtful. Out if interest, did you change your surname when you wed?

It's obviously not the principle though or you would tell them to choose a charity instead.

Well yes op, to put it bluntly you wouldn’t ‘somehow’ be depriving them, you’d absolutely be depriving them.

If they want to control what happens to their money after their death they should give it to the cats’ home. It will be spent on cats.

In my marriage, everything we have is joint because that’s what we promised when we got married. Money is either joint or it isn’t. If one person has a big pot of money that is ‘theirs’ then it’s not joint, is it? It’s all well and good them saying it’s joint unless you divorce, but then it’s never really joint in the first place, is it?

It’s a horrible intervention from the in-laws and I would be telling them it’s a hard no and leaving it at that.

If he did inherit their money and you’d signed away all rights to it then that would inevitably have the effect that it would always feel like his money, creating a power imbalance that could have a negative impact on your marriage.

To be honest OP, it sounds like you’ve a great marriage and divorce won’t even factor into it. But I still wouldn’t sign their shitty document.

In the OP when you said "Claim to..." the inheritance, I assume that they meant that should you divorce, you can't legally claim it from him. Not that you have no claim to it while you're married. Of course he can take the view that what's his is yours while you're together
He can give you as much of it as he likes.

But what happens should you break up, is the issue. Again, he could choose to give you whatever he likes. And you can claim for support for any children just as you would with any other divorce. But the inheritance itself wouldn't be up for grabs.

did you change your surname when you wed?

Yes

icecreamandcandyfloss

As I am currently discussing with vanillacoconutdove , they could give it to a charity for all I care! I just suspect my husband might care more than I do about it (although possibly not so much since he is extremely financially independent and hard working), and has never had any assistance from them until now with the house offer. And can do it without them anyway (and now probably will).

It’s tricky. I don’t want to sour relations but I feel like this has already. I always thought they liked me.

I should clarify - it wouldn't be up for grabs if he chooses not to share it with you after any split. He can still do whatever he likes with his money. Anything you sign doesn't change that.

JaniceBattersby

Your marriage sounds like mine! And yes, thankfully DH is a very good egg so I suspect this is all moot ☺️❤️

I always thought they liked me.
This is why you need to TALK

As I said earlier, I like both of my daughters' partners. That doesn't stop me thinking about how I can protect their inheritances or anything I give them now towards a house. Because the stats for marriage are awful. Nearly half fail, even if both parties are good people.

There is no reason to think that they don't like you, OP. There really isn't. This is standard stuff for people who have a lot to leave, or are helping their kids with house purchases. They're just being realistic about the divorce rate.

Surely if your DH inherits once married, its joint money and after divorce, it isn't?

Your PIL don't have much faith in you do they?

The thing is, they are asking you to agree that in the eventuality that your husband no longer likes you (divorce) then in those circumstances, and those circumstances alone, they probably won’t like you either (even from the grave!) and they don’t want to see you benefit from their gains.

That’s it. If divorce never raises its head, this letter will be in a filing cabinet dust gathering and nothing else. You live a wonderful, happy, jointly lavish family life together. The End.

You and your husband both seem to be together in agreeing to dislike the prospect of this document. How would you both feel if you signed this letter from your pil and on the same date you/your husband created a document that basically says ‘that’s all a bit of nonsense, all assets are maritally shared - current and future, including inheritances and this document supersedes any other documents that may be in existence.’?

I’m not sure if you answered before about your husband having any siblings/extended family that it would be easy to disinherit in one swoop, if not I’d imagine your pil alternative would be gifting all to your child via a trust and bypassing your husband.

Principles are always great when it’s someone else’s money you don’t have to do anything for. I notice you never clarified it it would be an equal trade with your inheritance so it obviously wouldn’t be.

The problem here though it is not just about their inheritance. Whether you sign or not there will be a definite lack of trust between you and the in-laws. Your dh may even fall out with his folks over this and they will have no one but themselves to blame. It is a sad sorry situation OP and I do feel for you. This is a no win situation.

I hope all their money makes them very happy as it may be all they have after all this.

I think if you want to go for the moral high ground then you should sign the documents and tell the in-laws that they have offended you. That way you aren’t taking depriving your husband or kids but you aren’t going to benefit from your in-laws money. If you accept the money without signing the documents then they will always have a little hold over you.

The least contentious outcome would be for the in-laws to leave the money to your children and to skip you and you husband. If you aren’t fussed about the money and you and you husband are financially secure then this would seem like the best outcome.

@Aligatorsnaps yes she did.

What I would be interested n is how they intend to know what their money has done if you do divorce.

So for example, you receive money from them - lets say £100,000 in year 1, then in year 25 you divoce. Unless that £100,000 is still sat in a bank account somewhere - doing noone any good - how can they define which of your assets is 'their' money. Did it get used on little daisy's pony lessons, or to refusbish johnnys bedroom, or was it used to pay for your university course, your DH's Golf club membership or indeed johnnys private school fees. 25yrs down the line unless money is locked away it would be impossible to say where it was within a household budget. Does that mean that if you divorce in 25years time they expect to extract £100,000 plus interest from your joint assets for your DH no matter what your current state of finances is? Very odd to me.

And no I wouldnt sign anything I didnt think was wholly logical and upholdable as otherwise this is storing up future problems!

Ok Have they considered this scenario in that they pass away and DH receives his inheritance and then you both get divorced and he retains his inheritance because you signed the papers. He then remarries and then gets divorced again and new wife gets half. Unlikely but not impossible

I don’t see the issue with signing it personally.

While you and their son remain married you have equal access to any money and presumably you both discuss how it should be used. Should you divorce, you are not entitled to half of it as marital assets and I would feel it morally wrong to take half of my ex PiL money if I split up with their son. I would want our children to benefit from it so I’d probably suggest to PiL that they leave a sum in trust for any children.

It’s why our assets (and we are nowhere near private jet wealthy!) are in the family trust. Future partners of the boys will have the benefit of it while married, but will have no entitlement to any of it as part of a divorce settlement. Any of their children remain beneficiaries of the trust so an ex wife could apply for financial assistance from it to pay for education, for example. Means I haven’t worked my arse of for 40 years for my sons, only to have them lose half of it in a divorce.

I don’t understand the point about me not having any ownership over this money...I am his wife! Of course if he is given money it should be both of ours!

You are right for now. Who knows what the future holds. What if you leave DH for another man? What if you become abusive towards him? What if your DH decides he doesn’t love you any more and divorces you? As a parent, don’t you yourself bank on your mutual love for your child more than your spouse - hand on heart?

If his parents don’t like that they are free to leave it to charity.

This is a facetious and an immature thing to say. Sounds like your PILs have millions to leave. Because of one daughter-in-law’s sensitivities, they should forego ensuring their son’s and grandchildren’s financial security? Would you, for your child? In a situation where you actively dislike your DC’s life’s partner (so, worse than your situation with your DH), don’t you think you’d be more concerned to ensure your DC and their kids are provided for? Because you’d be expecting to be proven right about their choice of partner? And even if not, for your grandchildren? Or would you really, honestly, rather leave it all to a cat shelter?

The problem is i then feel like i am somehow depriving my husband and possibly our child if I take that stance.

There’s no somehow about it. You would be.

Yours is a wonderful dilemma to have. I’d give my left arm to have it!

I'm torn on this I agree that when you are married it's both of yours but tbh I want only my DD to benefit from her inheritance.

The problem is no-one can say what will happen in the future, you could leave him for another man and then take a massive settlement from his inheritance. I know of situations were someone has inherited a large sum whilst separating and as although they are not together they are not quite divorced meaning the other person gets a share, which let's be honest none of us as parents would want. Also I think some of your posts are confusing you say you don't care about the money but then say you would want it in a settlement which would leave you financially better off than you would have been.

I would sign it, but then get my parents to do the same thing. That seems right to me, your both inheriting what is rightfully yours.

I'd reply with a carefully considered 'fuck off' so no, I wouldn't sign it.

No, I would not sign anything like that.

DH and I are a financial "unit", people need to take us as that unit or not at all.

I am not involved in any way in PIL's estate planning and intend to remain that way.

If PILs would be unhappy for your DH to share his inheritance with you then they need to make their own arrangements.

I think what they have done here is attempted to drive a wedge between you and your DH. Only you two can decide whether that is what will happen.

I would decline to sign and tell them you are not interested in their estate arrangements.