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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you sign this?!

305 replies

Istherealawyerinhere · 12/06/2019 13:04

Would you sign something your PIL wanted after marriage to say that anything your husband inherits you have no claim to should you get divorced (and vice versa).

I just don’t think that’s how my marriage works and I think inheritance becomes OURS (from both sides) and would be ours if the worst should happen. But possibly IABU and people do this often?

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Istherealawyerinhere · 13/06/2019 11:42

See, the thing is, now they’ve put the idea in your head

It’s awful! I would never even have considered the idea that DH and I would divorce (however naive that is), and now it’s like we are examining all the different ways in which we might - and none of them are nice.

Look - if we lived together for several years in a castle or something and then we divorced and I went to live in a 3 bed semi whilst the kids went to the castle at the weekend; I would feel quite sad about it, yes. However materialistic and unreasonable that is.

That still isn’t my main issue though - the issue is the emotional aspect. But have had some very good advice here. DH has contacted the lawyer I am waiting to hear what is said. I have not seen him in person this week so haven’t had time to discuss in full but what we have said over the phone is that we won’t do anything that makes us uncomfortable.

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purpleboy · 13/06/2019 12:54

I think it's a really tricky situation, I can understand both the reasons to sign and also not to sign.

You see it as a slight on the way they think of you, this might not necessarily be the case. I honestly think anyone who doesn't protect themselves financially when entering a marriage is at best naive. They have obviously worked hard for their money and quite rightly should be protecting it, but possibly the way they are doing it is wrong. I don't think any spouse should be entitled to inheritance, or anyone with a decent moral compass should try to access their spouses inheritance on separation.

I would have no objection to signing however I would ensure provisions are in place in case of a divorce to take into account your DC and also your loss of earnings as a SAHP.

No one enters into a marriage expecting it to end in divorce, or when you are happy in a relationship, you also don't consider how badly marriages can end. But all you need to do is read some of the threads on here, to see just how Nasty divorces can be, no one could foresee that in the beginning. You PIL want to protect their sons finances in case possibly you cheat and leave him for a younger man, etc... and then try to take him for everything he's got. It does happen, a lot.

Wills can be as simple or as complex as needed, as you are all adults and have had this sprung on you I don't think it would be wrong to sit down with PIL to discuss their full intentions, and put forward your points for discussion.
For example if he cheats and leaves, you get X amount payout for you and DC. If relationship naturally breaks down you have X amount for you and DC.

herculepoirot2 · 13/06/2019 13:09

Wills can be as simple or as complex as needed, as you are all adults and have had this sprung on you I don't think it would be wrong to sit down with PIL to discuss their full intentions, and put forward your points for discussion.
For example if he cheats and leaves, you get X amount payout for you and DC. If relationship naturally breaks down you have X amount for you and DC.

Recipe for absolute disaster, that, isn’t it? She would be playing into their hands by doing what she thinks she is doing and isn’t: grubbing about with their money. She just needs to withdraw. Their desire to protect their son is their problem, and needs to be achieved without her involvement.

Gatehouse77 · 13/06/2019 13:30

Not sure why my previous post did it 3 times - sorry!

I have some, albeit limited, knowledge of trusts.
If the money is in a trust and you are not named as a beneficiary then you would have no claim to that money. Once it's left the trust then that would change.
Whilst people gave me cautionary advice I did what was right for me and my family.

In this circumstance, I would refuse any gifts of money from them and keep my family finances private.

The biggest protection we have is that we're tenants in common which means half the house is mine and bequeathed to the kids which DH wouldn't be able to change and vice versa if he died. This is more to protect the kids' inheritance were there to be a marriage after death. no one gets chucked out either.

I think I'd prioritise getting wills between you and DH drawn up. Ours pretty much mirror each others except for choice of executors.

purpleboy · 13/06/2019 13:35

Yes fully understand your point, I think anyway going forward is a recipe for disaster in some way. I was thinking more about making provisions for dc should he up and leave and decide not to pay CM whilst sitting on a multi million pound fortune.
Close friend going through the same situation, ex is multi millionaire living in Thailand with new house he built for Thai GF refusing to pay a penny toward his 3 children and hiding all money in offshore accounts! It can happen.
PIL may see her as a gold digger, if she can make provisions for her children to be cared for in event of separation, it goes to show she actually isn't after their money?

Istherealawyerinhere · 13/06/2019 15:04

DH and I already have a will in place so that if he dies I have no concerns re the money - although Christ knows now - I always assumed his parents would make sure DC and I would be ok if the worst should happen (although DH has life insurance) but now I am not sure!

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ClarkeMurphy · 13/06/2019 16:53

OP, I'm another one saying don't sign it. You and DH agreed to sign a document with you relinquishing any claim on the trust and you were both happy with that. But you and DH do not want to sign anything about inheritance. Let DH explain exactly that to his parents. Your financial arrangements are between you and DH, and once you've made a decision they can like it or lump it. They are not part of your marriage so they do not get a say in the financial arrangements.

Istherealawyerinhere · 15/06/2019 21:29

In case anyone is still following - just sat down and read through the contract properly. It includes a fucking gag clause. A gag clause!!!!

If i was in any doubt that IWBU to have doubts, now I am not! DH says it’s too complicated to go back and forth with lawyer and we are just not going to sign. Let’s see if he stands up to PIL and actually tells them that though...

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Ellisandra · 15/06/2019 21:31

A what?!!!!!
What are you banned from talking about? Are they insane?!

Istherealawyerinhere · 15/06/2019 21:32

Our financial situation in general or our divorce or separation in the event of that occurring - to any third parties or the media or anything else. (The media would not care; just to clarify, PILS are not the Bransons 😂🙈)

😱

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cstaff · 15/06/2019 21:50

Bloody hell OP. Did you marry into royalty and not tell us. Who the hell do your ILs think they. I presume you and your dh are going to tell them to fuck right off. I didn't agree with what they wanted from the start, but now - not a chance in hell and once you have your dh on your side you can both tell them that.

Ellisandra · 15/06/2019 21:53

I’m reluctant to defend them... but it’s very possible that the solicitor suggested that. Still - barking!

Istherealawyerinhere · 15/06/2019 21:56

DH is still hoping it’s the lawyer who is putting this mental shit in...

Yes, I’m Meghan Markle 😂 (imagine if that was the twist?!)

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RiversDisguise · 15/06/2019 21:59

At the lawyer's they have a "gold digging ho-bag" contract form or template evidently.

Istherealawyerinhere · 15/06/2019 22:03

If PIL pays for a lawyer for me doesn’t it render the contract void anyway?

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Whosorrynow · 15/06/2019 22:06

One other problem is that opens the door for them to interfere in your marriage in other ways, I feel it sets a bad precedent

Whosorrynow · 15/06/2019 22:12

from reading the thread I can see that you have put in a lot of work to build bridges between your husband and his parents, they now feel that you work for them and they can tell you what to do

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 15/06/2019 22:14

My PIL gave us £1.2M and not a piece of paper to be seen. I feel part of the family and trusted... I’d not be signing anything.

Istherealawyerinhere · 15/06/2019 22:24

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah

How lovely of them! This is the thing, I really do not feel like I will ever feel part of the family now.

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Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 15/06/2019 22:30

OP - in reality it matters what your husband thinks, but it is wounding. More fool them.

blubberyboo · 16/06/2019 00:11

This is painful to read op. We are all parents and when I think ahead to the future I want all of my children to be in happy stable relationships and if I have anything to leave them in a will it goes without saying i would expect them to share it with their life partner.
Anything less feels sneaky and undermining of the relationship.
What they are creating here is something that has potential to cause a rift and resentment in your marriage. It forces you to consider divorce when it hadn’t even entered your minds.
The whole think stinks. Do they not realise if you divorce his next wife could get it all whilst their grandkids get nothing. If they don’t want you to inherit then they should bloody well just go and spend it now on a world cruise and stay out of your marriage.
Rip it up.

rackhampearl · 16/06/2019 00:32

I would sign it with a smile on my face. I wouldn't want them thinking that I want their money at all. I'd feel embarrassed by not signing it. Dh and I split everything too but when his father goes and he inherits from him I won't even think about it. It will hit his bank and he can do what he pleases with it, and we will continue to be happily married and share the finances we input ourselves.

Weenurse · 16/06/2019 00:34

Let DH deal, ignore as much as you can and focus on your little family.
The fact that you have encouraged a relationship between PIL and DH has come back to bite you.
They now feel close enough to broach this, as they probably wouldn’t in the past.

rackhampearl · 16/06/2019 00:41

But I do think its shitty that they've asked you and are forcing this
Would make me feel really disliked by them and sad. I'm just saying, I wouldn't have a problem signing it.

Istherealawyerinhere · 16/06/2019 07:17

rackhampearl

Even the gag clause?

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