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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you sign this?!

305 replies

Istherealawyerinhere · 12/06/2019 13:04

Would you sign something your PIL wanted after marriage to say that anything your husband inherits you have no claim to should you get divorced (and vice versa).

I just don’t think that’s how my marriage works and I think inheritance becomes OURS (from both sides) and would be ours if the worst should happen. But possibly IABU and people do this often?

OP posts:
SurfingGiantess · 16/06/2019 08:04

Oh wow op... first I wanted to say just sign it to keep them happy as you and children will be ok either way... now I'm thinking no way. They should want to make sure you and their grandkids are looked after if you ever do divorce. I would also feel betrayed and wouldn't feel the same about them because they never discussed this in person. I would let DH deal with it. I'd ask him what would he want you to do? And go from there. If he doesn't want you to sign it or if he wouldn't sign it in your shoes then I wouldn't. He should go up to them and tell them you've both read it and are disappointed and he has told you not to sign it as it's none of their business what you two do within your marriage. I wouldn't discuss anything financial with them within your marriage . Also i would not take any of their money... that can backfire too. I don't understand it really as you're there for the longest time and obviously not with him for their money. I'd also think there obviously was a good reason why your DH wasn't in much contact with them. I'd leave him to sort them from now on in all aspects. Especially because they blindsided you and they don't seem to care about your child or children.

rackhampearl · 16/06/2019 10:55

@istherealawyerinhere whaaaaaa? I'm guilty of replying to the thread title and not reading the comments. A gag clause?? I'm going to read the whole thread. Shock

GabriellaMontez · 16/06/2019 14:04

A gag clause?!! They sound like lunatics. I couldn't pretend not to know or care about that. I'd be tempted to ring and say exactly what your said here "You're not the fucking Bransons" whilst laughing very loudly.

cstaff · 16/06/2019 14:41

Them inserting a gag clause tells me that they know what they are asking is wrong and that they are ashamed of themselves as they are terrified that their friends will find out if either of you talk.

But the bottom line is that they are still more concerned about their bloody money than their love for their son or you as they are the ones forcing this horrible situation. What a waste of a happy family. You now know where their priorities lie.

stucknoue · 16/06/2019 14:50

Of course if you don't split it's irrelevant. I'm pretty sure what they are suggesting won't hold up in a court of law and once they have died (the point your husband inherits) it becomes a non issue because they are dead

blubberyboo · 16/06/2019 15:01

Sounds to me like a potential future second wife is better protected than you and your children. Is there a clause that if he remarries you will get half? Otherwise there’s nothing to stop her then divorcing him and getting funds

ConfCall · 16/06/2019 17:12

Your DH sounds lovely.

What a difficult situation. YANBU.

Original poster
Istherealawyerinhere · 16/06/2019 18:44

I'd be tempted to ring and say exactly what your said here "You're not the fucking Bransons" whilst laughing very loudly

This is FABULOUS. I would LOVE to do this.

DH is great but he is quite weird with his parents so I think he would like to tell them no but is clinging desperately to the idea he won’t have to. He was suggesting we could make the document more fair by protecting my interests; but then it becomes some 100 page bloody post nuptial agreement bargaining over my worth and that’s just not something I am willing to do.

Either they rewrite it as one tiny thing about the trust, or I don’t sign. And I will really struggle not to say something... have told DH to call lawyer tomorrow

OP posts:
Cryinganddyeing · 16/06/2019 18:48

Threads like this make me glad I'm poor sometimes 😂

Dandelion1993 · 16/06/2019 18:50

Honestly just laugh at it and throw it in the bin.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/06/2019 19:11

Don't sign it. They have the choice to either leave their money to their son or not. But you are his wife and mother of his children - don't allow their batshit crazy to put a wedge in your relationship.

I wouldn't be going back and forth to the lawyer - it would be a united front no from the both of us. I'd also not take their money to pay for my house - it will come with controlling strings and will become a very expensive 'gift'! Keep your independence and refuse their financial help.

How hurtful to know that this is how they see you - I don't think I'd ever get over that or be able to forgive it.

CruellaFeinberg · 16/06/2019 19:21

"You're not the fucking Bransons" maybe they are? private jet money and all that?

SavingSpaces2019 · 16/06/2019 19:36

^The fact that you have encouraged a relationship between PIL and DH has come back to bite you^
Mmmm, it does seem that way.
However, i think they would have done this anyway.
They are using money as a form of control and abuse further down the road.
Your DH didn't have a close relationship with them prior to you, no doubt their controlling, abusive ways and his upbringing had a lot to do with that.

Your DH's way of dealing with them was to avoid or remain low contact. Even now he's trying to avoid the ensuing drama and fallout by not standing up to them assertively.
After years of their games i doubt he has the confidence to do so openly.
You didn't understand their dynamic so don't blame yourself for not seeing their batshitness....even those of us who grew up with parents like this find it hard to explain/make sense of.

They will give your DH an ultimatum in order to stay in control - sign on our terms or you won't get any inheritance.
They know you and DH won't be arsed so they will use your children to emotionally blackmail you - they will play on the natural guilt you already feel.
Your dc don't 'need' any money off PIL. if they truly want your dc to benefit from it then it can always be held in a trust/savings account for them by PIL and they can have a solc release it when the dc come of age.
You don't need to sign anything for that to happen.

They want to interfere like this in all their dc partnerships/marriages and that's been explained away as 'just want to protect our Trust'.
You're the 'guinea pig' for them to test this out on, if you sign the papers they will then continue to interfere.
They will keep an eye on any avenues that allow you to be in control of your financial decisions or wriggle out of their games - and they will make sure these areas are covered in all future post-nups that they manipulate people into signing.

These people sound very cunning and underhand - you can't trust them.
You didn't see their true colours before OP but now you do.

Help your DH to stand up to them assertively and support his original decision top remain low contact with them.

Original poster
Istherealawyerinhere · 16/06/2019 21:31

Thank you for all the support and advice!

I’m feeling irrationally annoyed that DH hasn’t just said no directly to PIL but I understand his reticence and I will wait to see how this week plays out. Very hard not to call them myself but need to distance myself from it all.

OP posts:
EatenByDinosaurs · 16/06/2019 22:04

No fucking way would I sign that, I would be absolutely disgusted and very hurt.

Assuming of course your surname isn't Corleone and you don't own horses. I might be a bit more obliging if my neck was literally on the line. Perhaps. But probably not.

purpleboy · 16/06/2019 23:06

After reading your updated I'm fully in the do not sign camp and think they are behaving appallingly.
Try to go easy on DH though this is probably a really hard situation for him to be in. It sounds like you are both on the same page though, so fingers crossed you will get some answers this week.

URtopost · 17/06/2019 19:54

Gobsmacked on your behalf tbh!

I completely see your point about how you now feel about PILs feelings towards you and think you've had a hard time on this thread being bashed as a gold digger.

In my mind and in my marriage our finances are completely shared. It's actually my parents who are financially better off and will leave us more inheritance/ have helped us out more in our lives but no way would I expect dh not to share in that. He has been a part of the family for 15 years for starters and we share a child!

I firmly believe any money we have is family money so we spend it on what we both like or our house/family interests. Imagine if for the whole of your marriage you totalled everything up to make sure it was 'fair' 😳 just to then subtract what you are 'owed' from each other's inheritance!

I'm not explaining myself well but basically what I mean is my parents would never think I shouldn't share my finances equally with my husband simply because I have chosen him as my partner and as father to my child. There have been years where he has supported me and vice versa! I couldn't possibly say at this point who has paid more or less into our marriage and nor would I want to!

I'd be pretty insulted on your behalf especially with this 'gag' clause. As if they think you would suddenly go running and gossiping about them as soon as trouble starts 🧐

Original poster
istherealawyerinhere · 24/06/2019 16:45

Just to update everyone that PIL are saying it’s up to DH to decide what he wants to sign, but may well impact their own decisions. All sounds like a very veiled threat that if we don’t sign, he will be disinherited. Lawyer confirmed that, for example, if he used, say, 10k of the money on the stock market and made 10 million; and then left me for his PA, I would be entitled to none of that. Explained to PIL, explained I needed security if he fucked off and left. Their response was that perhaps I will get bored and cheat etc. Anyway so it has been left like that and we will go to the lawyer and get him to draw up a document around the trusts as agreed and sign that. If that’s not good enough, so be it.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 24/06/2019 17:01

It’s very rude of them. I think I would tell them where to stick it on principle, but others may be more conciliatory.

DarlingNikita · 24/06/2019 17:40

Their response was that perhaps I will get bored and cheat etc.

God, they're twats, aren't they.

EatenByDinosaurs · 24/06/2019 19:16

I've walked away from a large inheritance because I didn't like the strings which came with it, strings very similar to those in your situation OP except I was in your DH's shoes.

No amount of money is worth being treated with such a lack of respect for you and your marriage. Let alone all the other connotations and insidious but undermining crap.

In my case I ended up going NC with the family member shortly after and looking back it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I always thought I was very independent, was successful all on my own etc, but I didn't realise just how far their claws were into my life until I walked away, and the freedom, true freedom not just the illusion of, is bliss.

Flowers Its a crap situation to be in.

crispysausagerolls · 24/06/2019 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabriellaMontez · 24/06/2019 21:39

Bunch of shits. Must be upsetting for you both. Finding out who they really are.

clairedelalune · 24/06/2019 21:56

I personally agree with pre nups and would not have a problem with this. Nobody marries with the intention of getting divorced, but it happens; 5 mins on here and you read hundreds of people's experiences about how awful their exes are, yet these are people they trusted enough to conceive with. Yet most people don't want an ex to have rights to their money. I totally see where your pils are coming from. Presuming you stay together then this isn't really an issue, if you split then you don't get 50% of the money they are leaving to their child. I wouldn't take it personally.

MediocreOmens · 24/06/2019 22:04

Sorry you are in this position OP, they are being shits and I say that as the financially stronger person in my marriage.

Also what is the point of marriage if you have iron clad prenups and postnups? Why should you get all of the advantages of marriage but none of the risks? I really don't think they should be regarded by the courts at all.