Would you sign this?!

[Istherealawyerinhere]

Would you sign something your PIL wanted after marriage to say that anything your husband inherits you have no claim to should you get divorced (and vice versa).

I just don’t think that’s how my marriage works and I think inheritance becomes OURS (from both sides) and would be ours if the worst should happen. But possibly IABU and people do this often?

I would agree that if you are together for years after in laws die and have built a life being used to the money why should you take your children and live in a tiny house because you aren’t entitled any more. Maybe you’d privately educate, maybe you’d buy them a pony, maybe you’d live in a big house. Then lose the lot. What if your husband ran away with another woman and it was not your decision to split? So you lose your husband and your home and lifestyle?
It’s very difficult as no one knows the future. I think I’d get legal advice about covering yourself should you inherit the money and then split.
I wouldn’t want the money if it was inherited after you split as you and children wouldn’t be used to having it any way so would notice no difference. I think I’d be more worried about how the children’s future may be changed.

It's a bit shit but if you don't actually care, why not ask them to consider putting the money in a trust fund for dc & skip you out if they are concerned about you being a gold digger. I think it's a bit out of order but can understand their POV-esp if so much money & they will be getting advice on this.

I think you should make a date & talk to them openly about it. Say you don't agree with signing as it goes against your marriage vows but thankfully you are not in need of money & they should do whatever they want with it.

If you feel the need to, tell them that you are offended at the proposal, but try to put
It behind you & keep a good relationship with them

TBH, if they’re that wealthy, I’m surprised this wasn’t all planned for in advance. Sounds a bit off to me...

A “bit off”? As in I’m making it up? 😃🙄 I wish I were!

I have 0 idea why this wasn’t brought up before - at first it was painted as a sensible document I would sign as we are receiving this money from them, to basically say even though there’s a trail from us to them, I can’t “go after” any family money in the event of the divorce. THAT I would be happy to sign. No intention of going after the trust or family money.

BUT now it has changed to include inheritance, and I can’t help but feel that’s completely different; because the money would then become my husband’s, if that makes sense.

janus

What you are saying has crossed my mind too.

The part I really don't get is that you are not some recent blow in. You have been around for 15 years, half your life if I worked that out correct. Why now 3 years after you have married their son and given them a gc.

None of this makes sense. If they wanted this done it should have been sorted years ago. All they are doing now is causing friction in the family. Is this what they really want or are they just letting you know who's boss. At this late stage I think it is so wrong.

Enforceability of pre ups is an emerging field so your PILs trying to get something sorted post-marriage might be their way of minimising the risks of tying something in a pre up that doesn't achieve what they think they want.

Three years post-marriage is an odd time though I suppose it's possible it's been brought up in wealth management advisory sessions, they have a new advisor or one of their friends or acquaintances got stung or had success with a post-marriage agreement.

I suppose you could ask you DP to ask them why now, OP, if you want to understand their thinking.

I'd be wary of signing away these rights OP and I'd ignore the PPs who've said you're interested in the money and so on. I've seen the financially disadvantaged spouse struggle post-divorce when they've had to move away, have downsized and can't afford the lifestyle their children have had and still have with the other spouse. You wouldn't be a gold digger to think these things through, let alone feel hurt by your PILs introducing this into your marriage.

I don’t think it is an odd time as it coincides with the house purchase and that is supposedly why they are doing it now - if you see my previous comment, it explains how it was initially presented to me vs how it is now. But yes, as a pre nup before marriage I would’ve understood more.

Just to provide a slightly different point of view - my friend divorced her husband who had inherited a LOT of money, no pre-nup in place. She didn't want to take any of it until her solicitor pointed out that if her ex husband remarried he could leave everything to his second wife and completely disinherit their daughter. (My friend didn't think this was likely, but quite honestly who knows? There have been threads on here where this has happened.)

By accepting a significant chunk of the inheritance money, my friend was actually protecting her daughter. We'll worth considering IMHO.

No, not suggesting you’re making anything up. The “off” bit is on your PIL’s part. You don’t become private jet wealthy without people throwing their financial services advice at you; without working out how to invest and keep hold of your wealth; without writing a will. Any of these things would have brought up this issue for them - unless extreme wealth arrived after you got married?

I don’t follow the rest of what you’re saying. You’d have been happy to sign something saying you wouldn’t “go after” family money in the event of a divorce, not interested in challenging a trust or chasing family money. But you don’t want to give away access to inherited money?

Inherited money IS family money - you and your DH haven’t earned it. It’s landed in your laps through sheer luck. Ownership of the money will have passed from PILs to your DH, but only BECAUSE he’s their family. Had my next door neighbour been their son instead, it wouldn’t have gone to DH and his offspring, it would have gone to my NDN and his offspring. Point is, it’s your DH’s money because he’s family. If you divorce and remarry (or not even remarry) you’re not family to PILs other than being their grandchildren’s mother or if they choose to see you as such. (In my book that’s reason enough, but most people don’t see it that way, especially if your DH gets a second wife or you a second husband.)

You don’t have any greater claim to this luck by virtue of being married to your DH rather than my NDN. Family wealth passes (normally) down the generations. Not out of the family (should the worst transpire).

You don’t have any greater claim to this luck by virtue of being married to your DH rather than my NDN. Family wealth passes (normally) down the generations. Not out of the family (should the worst transpire)

Not presently, she doesn’t. But if the money passes to her DH, she is likely to have exactly that. It’s the law. We can all go round talking about what should be the case, but actually it isn’t, and the law isn’t just arbitrary, it reflects the closeness of the marital bond and the many compromises, inequalities, non-monetary transactions that often take place within it. These things have nothing to do with her PIL. If they don’t want her ever to have any of their money, they need to will it somewhere else or put it in trust.

I don’t get the “It's their money”. It is now, and they can decide what and whether they want to give anything at all, but once it is given away, or inherited by their DS, it is his to do with as he pleases. He chooses to share all his assets with his DW. Why would the parents get to decide otherwise? What if their DS decides to donate it all to a cause they don’t agree with? Or buy art they don’t like? Or gamble it away? So why is sharing with his DW, mother of his child, such a bad thing? He is an adult, he knows the risk of divorce, but ultimately he made the fully conscious decision together with his wife that in their partnership they share. Which is a perfectly normal decision (and backed up by the law).

I think I get what you're driving at with the inherited money op. To you that money is your DH's and he should be able to share that with you if he wishes. Your PILs controlling the situation from the grave feels weird to you. I get why the two scenarios are not the same.
Tbh I think you should rethink taking anything from them for the house. Your DH should tell them he told you and you are offended. Whether they like it or not they have not handled this sensitively.

Bollocks to that. If the worst was to happen ,the husband could fuck off with an ow, give up work and refuse to pay for his children.
Op and the children would be in a ridiculously vulnerable position.
Also the point above about making sure your child inherits. He could remarry and leave everything to an ow. Seen it happen again and again.

On an aside, I would be curious to know if the wealth is from one of the parents or jointly made, and if predominantly from one, what their own set-up is re sharing the wealth... Just for consistency.

They're disgusting, imagining they can control your finances from the grave. Subtly pressuring you to sign this to prove you're not a good digger.

They shouldn't be doing something that could potentially cause a rift in a marriage. Their priorities are all wrong - a happy marriage is more important than any amount of money. They obviously don't care about their relationship with their son's wife either.
There's no logic in leaving the money directly to grandchildren either - what if they get married and then divorced? Where will it end?
Basically, if you don't want to share, don't get married.

I don’t understand the point about me not having any ownership over this money...I am his wife! Of course if he is given money it should be both of ours! If his parents don’t like that they are free to leave it to charity. The problem is i then feel like i am somehow depriving my husband and possibly our child if I take that stance.

My PP was directed at the person who said I don’t have any more claim over it than her NDN 😑

Sorry op, you are coming across as quite gasping.
I'd respect my in laws wishes and assure them if anything ever happened the money would go to dh and our kids. But I'd totally think nothing will ever happen. If you aren't interested in the money I wouldn't be making such a big deal of this.

If you aren't interested in the money I wouldn't be making such a big deal of this.

Thankfully lots of other people on this thread understand that it is the principle that is the issue, rather than the money.

If you don't like anyone disagreeing with you then why post in AIBU?
do what you like, I don't care one way or another.

I posted to ask if people would sign it - very happy to see a breadth of different opinions. It’s not necessary to revert to personal insults and accuse me of being grasping or otherwise though, but then I suppose some people can’t help themselves on AIBU!

If I married into private jet money, it wouldn't occur to me that I would ever reap the benefit of my husband's inheritance. The only difference here is that the PILs have blown it a bit by not getting it sorted before your marriage.

I think you need to have a calm talk with them. Explain that the money isn't important to you, but how their action has made you feel. Then put your/their money where your mouth is and discuss with them how to best protect your interests and theirs.

Honestly op, how do you think your husband feels about your attitude of ‘i Don’t care/give it to charity.’

It’s a very principled person who would turn down their parents love and wealth.

I wouldn't sign it.

For me it shows they have no faith in the marriage and expect it to fail.

vanillacoconut

I completely agree with you - which is why I followed my suggestion with “The problem is i then feel like i am somehow depriving my husband and possibly our child if I take that stance“!