Neighbour's child keeps screaming and crying

[Mango77]

In the small block of 6 flats next to our house, several days a week, for about a year. Some families are noisy, kids cry, some make a fuss about nothing, I know that and don't want to be an interfering busybody. But it's going on and on. We've lived here a year and it only stopped in the winter, not sure if we just couldn't hear cos windows were shut or poss her DH was away for a while.

I rarely see her and I'm not sure which flat she's in. At the moment we are on friendly but distant 'hello in passing' terms. If she was my age and middle-class and I was confident and drank alcohol I could go round there with a bottle of wine and say, "Are you OK? Let me babysit when it all gets too much." but she's about 30 years younger than me, I'm quite shy and don't drink, she's working-class and rather aggressive in her manner and her DP is a scary bodybuilder type. My accent makes me come across as patronising (probably I am) and she would almost certainly tell me to f**k off.

I know what you're going to say. "Phone social services."

But they would know it was us because no one else lives near enough to hear. SS would do nothing and we would be in danger from her DH. Also we want to get planning permission soon for changes to our house and they could easily stir up all the other neighbours to object. We want to live here for the rest of our lives. If I report her, we WILL have to move, probably after years of hell from her.

AIBU to do nothing? WWYD?

The OP sounds lacking in confidence interacting with other people she doesn't know unless she can find common ground - she refers to difficulties with fitting in.

That's how I read it anyway.

she's not someone I could easily befriend

Jesus Christ

For what it’s worth, I’m working class from an urban council estate (but educated, believe it or not!). My best friend is middle class from a very posh rural village. We found it very easy to befriend each other. Occasionally one of us will mention something the other one doesn’t understand, but we’re not as wildly different as you seem to think.

I know your heart is in the right place so try to let go of your preconceptions. Treat her as you would anybody else. You say if she was your age and middle class, you’d pop round. So try it. She might not appreciate it, but equally it might be exactly what she needs.

The thing that really jumped out to me when reading your post was that you automatically assume that the only way you can go round to this woman's house is if you have a bottle of wine - .you don't drink, you say, so you feel you can't go round and spend time with her. Others have already pointed out how patronising and presumptuous you come across and I have to say I agree to some extent. You're already on greeting terms when you see this woman on the street, you don't see this women have random arguments with people on the street, yelling in public etc. so you've projected a totally unjustified stereotypical opinion of working class women

I can't tell if you're concerned for the child, or whether you're considering getting social involved in order to stop the screaming. Before getting the authorities involved (and if the woman gets angry, don't put it down to her class but at the hassle you've caused for her) have you considered just stopping when you see her in the street, asking her how she is, how her child is doing? And just mentioning that you hear him quite a lot. You're not terrified enough of her to do that?? She sounds like a woman with a lot on her hands and what you're mistaking for an aggressive manner is probably just irritation at how much she has to do!

And then there's the planning permission conundrum you face. Clearly that what you're really worried about, not the welfare of a young child. Your righteousness masks a self-interest and that is always revolting.

You lost me at "class" 😒

DS3 is a champion screamer. Every day he has at least one screaming session because:

A) I got out of bed
B) he doesn’t want a pee
C) he doesn’t want me to go to work
D) he doesn’t want to go downstairs
E) I opened the dogs cage
F) I let the dog downstairs
And on and on and on

Whenever I have had neighbours with toddlers, there’s always been a lot of screaming

OP, if you think that a child is in danger, please just do the right thing.

NSPCC: 1 in 5 children have experienced severe maltreatment (stats are old and shonky but indicative):
learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/pre-2013/child-abuse-neglect-uk-today/

If you're really as MC as you claim then why are you living in a block full of WC vultures?

MC/WC/whatever you claim to be, doens't stop you from being kind and understanding.

Why don't you smile, say 'hello' and have a chat with her? It's not easy having young children and you don't know what she may be going through. Perhaps a non-judgmental, friendly chat is all she needs to make her day better.

OP lives next door to the block of flats in a detached house. Amazing she can hear so much to be honest

Being middle class is not about where you live. It's a state of mind. If I merely self-identify as bourgeois, avocadoes appear in my fridge and the black children disappear from my child's school.

*My upbringing, my behaviour, my education, my accent, the jobs I've had and my attitude to life - which clearly sucks in your combined opinion.

Most of those things don’t make you middle class you colossal dimwit. Middle class isn’t a personality trait, it isn’t something passed down through family name (unless very rich and a member of the gentry), and it has nothing to do with what school you went to or the accent you have. It’s a socio-economic position, many times people miss-class themselves purely because they feel ‘posher’ than they actually are.*

I completely disagree that class isn't a personality trait, it most certainly is. Upbringing and education are definite marks of class whether people like it or not.

Perhaps you could have worded it better but I can understand your situation, OP. It's difficult to know what the neighbours are going to be like until you've lived there a while.

I'm not sure you can do very much about it and unless you have some 'natural' social contact with her I'm not sure going round with cakes wouldn't be seen as suspicious, patronising, or a ruse to interfere. Do you know anyone else in the block of flats to suss out their feelings on it or if they have concerns?

It's possible it's just a phase for the child, it's possible they'll move out eventually, it's possible she's not as rough and alien to you as you think. Some people are just noisy.

oh shut up you know perfectly well I don't think I'm superior to her but have always lived in working-class areas due to being poor and have never fitted in.

Which would make you one of >>them

Upbringing and education are definite marks of class whether people like it or not

They are, but people can change class depending on your own job, lifestyle and interests, it is not just about upbringing. Your upbringing can be very different from the class you are now.

All apart from being upper class, you have to be born into that.

Anyway, OP, I think you have been given an unfairly hard time and a lot of posters are being disingenuous and not even honest with themselves. Report them and if there are no problems then social services will check up and then leave them alone.

Op, ignoring all the class rubbish on here, if there is a child screaming for an abnormal amount of time and you are genuinely worried, ring social services and explain.
They are perfectly able to assess the fax s for themselves. That’s their job.

Don’t leave until it’s too late.

If you think its just toddler noise. Ignore it - they will grow out of it, they might move etc. If you think its abuse then report. If they live in flats then others in the flats can probably hear too.
But kids scream alot.

Surely everyone who works is working class.....whether you work in the Co-Op or are a professor in a college. Mummy and Daddy might have pots of money to send you to a posh school so you can become a lawyer, but you will still be working...as a lawyer!

Lemon😂 Are you always so literal?

Surely everyone who works is working class

Er, no ....

And not everyone who is working class works.

I can see a Venn Diagram coming here.

@romanyqueen I'd felt like I'd failed if in my 50's/60's all I had was a flat.

That is such a nasty remark.

What makes me middle-class? My upbringing, my behaviour, my education, my accent, the jobs I've had and my attitude to life

ODFOD. I take it you live in an ‘up and coming’ area of a city. You don’t know the first thing about those ‘WC’ people around you.

As to the actual matter at hand, I opened this thread wondering if it could be my neighbour having a moan. My 16 month old tantrums like a devil and some days, it can be a 24 hour thing depending on her mood. By all means call SS if you think the kids are in danger but it just sounds like your judgements completely clouded by your own snobbery.

I could go round there with a bottle of wine and say, "Are you OK? Let me babysit when it all gets too much."

I'm sure plenty of middle class mothers would quite rightly tell you to fuck off if you did this.

@DoneLikeAKipper

HollowTalk

The OP clearly thought herself above this woman, talking about her mc lifestyle, she hasn't achieved a whole lot considering she belittles wc.