Neighbour's child keeps screaming and crying

[Mango77]

In the small block of 6 flats next to our house, several days a week, for about a year. Some families are noisy, kids cry, some make a fuss about nothing, I know that and don't want to be an interfering busybody. But it's going on and on. We've lived here a year and it only stopped in the winter, not sure if we just couldn't hear cos windows were shut or poss her DH was away for a while.

I rarely see her and I'm not sure which flat she's in. At the moment we are on friendly but distant 'hello in passing' terms. If she was my age and middle-class and I was confident and drank alcohol I could go round there with a bottle of wine and say, "Are you OK? Let me babysit when it all gets too much." but she's about 30 years younger than me, I'm quite shy and don't drink, she's working-class and rather aggressive in her manner and her DP is a scary bodybuilder type. My accent makes me come across as patronising (probably I am) and she would almost certainly tell me to f**k off.

I know what you're going to say. "Phone social services."

But they would know it was us because no one else lives near enough to hear. SS would do nothing and we would be in danger from her DH. Also we want to get planning permission soon for changes to our house and they could easily stir up all the other neighbours to object. We want to live here for the rest of our lives. If I report her, we WILL have to move, probably after years of hell from her.

AIBU to do nothing? WWYD?

My upbringing, my behaviour, my education, my accent, the jobs I've had and my attitude to life - which clearly sucks in your combined opinion.

Most of those things don’t make you middle class you colossal dimwit. Middle class isn’t a personality trait, it isn’t something passed down through family name (unless very rich and a member of the gentry), and it has nothing to do with what school you went to or the accent you have. It’s a socio-economic position, many times people miss-class themselves purely because they feel ‘posher’ than they actually are.

Working class women are women too. Scared of what exactly? She’s too different to you to have a conversation with? Ridiculous. Working class people do more than raise unruly children, drink and speak about working class issues. We use mumsnet just like you.

I thought you were my NDN but I see it's about very stereotypical working class folk.

FWIW most 3 year olds scream and cry a lot. There doesn't need to be a reason. They use it as a form of torture to manage the adults in their life. In most cases they grow out of it.

What's a middle class accent?

In fact it’s probably best you just stay out of it and stick to gossiping with other neighbours so they can speak to her since you’re too far up the social hierarchy to mix with those types of barbarians.

This wasn’t meant to be a class thread but I’m going to respond to your comment because your AIBU should really be ‘am I a judgemental snob?’.

Since you can only identify with being middle class and that’s all you can relate to, let me address your comment as someone who has a foot in each of the classes you are talking about. I grew up in a council house with a single mum and had free school meals. We had no carpets only bare griped rods with exposed nails, everything was second hand and got harvest food boxes from the local church. I then was a teacher for 20 years, now have my own business and am married to a consultant, with what you’d probably be impressed by in the form of an expensive house and three cars. If you took my money away I would still be the same decent person. I’d be embarrassed if someone thought I was only worth knowing now because I have money.

So, yes you are unreasonable to believe that being less affluent makes someone a person you wouldn’t want to mix with or help. We have a six figure income and I wouldn’t want to mix with you.

Your op sounds just like dss's mother would say, she believes that class is an inherited trait too! Lol

FFS how patronising and snobby

I'm not sure why OP is getting it in the neck, she's only said it to point out that she feels hugely different from her and not able to build a rapport easily, I assume? I do think you're assuming a lot about them OP, maybe try to get small chats going on when you see them? The kid is screaming that's sort of what they do, I can't see where social services came in?

Why don't you just tone down your accent a bit, take a packet of biscuits and go and ask her if she's ok. Most people appreciate a bit of kindness regardless of who is showing it. Even Margo Leadbetter was kind.

‘What’s a middle class accent?’ Exactly! I grew up on a council estate and somehow taught English in private schools. Amazing I could string a sentence together, given I was a pauper!

I'd try the "shut the fuck up" yelled out of the window approach.

Works when our NDN decides to mow his lawn at 7am on a Sunday morning.

Or you could be boring and complain to your local council. It's far more likely that they would think the complaint has come from another person in the block as opposed to the house next door.

Youre stuck up, you think you're better than her due to her being working class and you middle class and because her partner is a 'body builder type' you think he'll pose a danger to you. So you're also extremely judgemental.

Wow. Just amazing.

Christ. I'm working class. For me that means I live paycheck to paycheck. It does not mean people who have more money cannot approach me hell, my best friend is middle class with a very large home, no mortgage and several cars to pick and choose from. And guess what? Her toddler screams and cries just as much as mine! Shocking, right?

Yeah I don't think it's your accent that makes you sound patronising love
Please though for your own sake,whatever you do do NOT report this case of suspected child abuse to social services if it means, God forbid, your plans for home improvements come under threat. Priorities please!

Is it the same OP who’s posted numerous times about this but with slight changes, denies it but then the thread gets deleted again because it is indeed her?

OP you live in flats. There’s going to be noise. Go buy a detached house with all your middle class money if you don’t like it.

I think you've come across really badly here but I suspect that your intentions are good so I am going to respond accordingly.

You don't feel able to take a bottle of wine round but perhaps you could make some cakes and pop round with a few and say that the recipe made more than you'd expected and you thought of her and her child and thought they might like them. THat's not being judgy, just neighbourly, if she looks like she wants to chat just make a comment about how you remember the toddler years were hard and leave it open.

Thank you, @GetYourOwnLife, your advice is helpful.

@DoneLikeAKipper by your reckoning, Cheryl Cole and David Beckham would be upper class. I don't agree. Money is not the same as class, although it can allow social mobility, depending on how it's spent. If I suddenly won ten million quid or I was thrown out of my house and lived in a ditch, I would still be middle class. Lower middle, to be exact.

And I have to say I find all this righteous indignation on behalf of the poor downtrodden working class quite amusing. I'm sure most of them would consider you lot to be stuck-up middle class as well!

Christ, why don’t you go and put the peasant in her place already? She clearly needs it. Maybe pass her DH a pack of special brew when you see him.

OP never said a thing negative about working class, just that she was afraid she’d come across badly as someone a bit middle class with her accent and manner, sticking her oar in with this much younger woman. It’s quite possible she would be told to fuck off if she rocked up at this woman’s door.

OP, next time in passing invite her to yours for a cup of tea. Indicate you love kids and offer to have the 3 yr old over to play if the mum ever needs a babysitter. Sell it that you love little ones. She might bite your hand off.

I get what you mean Mango. I have an RP accent and it rubs a lot of people up the wrong way immediately (especially up north). They all think I went to private school and am a spoiled princess, when really I just grew up down south before moving to Yorkshire as a teen and never bothered artificially trying to change my accent.

Anyway, if it's just a bit of crying and screaming but the child doesn't sound distressed then it's probably nothing to worry about, but trust your gut.

What makes me middle-class? My upbringing, my behaviour, my education, my accent, the jobs I've had and my attitude to life - which clearly sucks in your combined opinion. And probably in hers, too, which is exactly the issue

Oh fuck off. You say you don't even know her, so how the hell do you know what upbringing, education, behaviour, job or attitudes she has? And if you only say "hello" in passing, how do you know her accent? (accent is no indication of education, by the way).

@GhostIsAGoodBoi Is it the same OP who’s posted numerous times about this but with slight changes, denies it but then the thread gets deleted again because it is indeed her? No. I have name-changed for this but I'm not her, never posted on this topic, never had a thread deleted.

OP you live in flats. There’s going to be noise. Go buy a detached house with all your middle class money if you don’t like it. I live next door, in a detached house. I don't mind noisy neighbours, but was concerned for the child (and the poor mother! it must be awful for her!)

OP I think deep down you are asking this out of concern, but don't think unfortunately you have expressed yourself particularly well on your first post.
If I understand correctly, you want to pop round & just say "is everything ok? Do you need a hand?" but because you are very different people you think that she may just see you as an older, interfering posh woman?
I don't think there's much you can do - there doesn't seem to be any evidence of any behaviour that SS would be interested in & unless you have any further evidence that suggests that mother or child are being mistreated, it's just worried concern really.
Do you ever see her on the street? Maybe you could try & engage her in conversation, say hello, ask about her child & go from there.

I'm not sure why OP is getting it in the neck, she's only said it to point out that she feels hugely different from her and not able to build a rapport easily, I assume?

This. I don't find it controversial.

OP I'd see if you can catch her outside one day, ask her how LO is, are they at nursery? No need to make friends, just try to get a better sense of things if you're concerned.