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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my daughter was denied a basic right (an education) and that we've been treated like shit?

182 replies

dobrovnikdreams · 12/06/2019 03:35

She spent Year 7 in a school in our home town where she was happy with friends. Towards the end of Year 7 due to unforseen circumstances (family related, won't get into it as irrelevant) we had to move to Wales and we did so through a council house swap through someone who wanted our city. She spent Year 8 and half of year 9 in a Welsh school where she got a place instantly. She didn't settle very well as friendship groups were already established and she didn't really fit in (we're talking small town Wales where everybody knows everybody and speaks Welsh etc) so she struggled. Midway through Year 9 she ended up refusing to go point blank. She had a meltdown one night and begged to go back to England saying she wouldn't go to school unless we moved. The family issues had settled down by this point and a month prior to DD's meltdown I'd put our house back on the council swap site wanting to move back to our old area but hadn't had any offers.

I wanted to move back to England before Year 10 started because of GCSE's beginning etc so got very anxious by the time May rolled round and we still hadn't got anyone wanting to swap from my hometown to Wales. My worries were rubbing off on DD so I bit the bullet and ended up private renting us a 2 bed flat in our old general area (but was a few miles away in a different local authority as couldn't afford to rent in home local LA ) as we were both very homesick and DD wanted to get back to her old school ASAP. This crippled us financially but was necessary as both needed to move back home. Once we'd settled into the flat I contacted DD's old school only to get told they were full and that we would be put on a waiting list but were warned we had no chance due to different LA and wrong postcode. We appealed and got rejected. By this point it was late July and all the schools were shut and I couldn't apply anywhere.

Year 10 started and I applied to the nearest school in my LA. Got told "We don't accept place in Year 10 unless the child is in care." Appealed, failed. Applied for 2 more in my LA and got told the same. Failed appeal for both. In appeal they all used the fact that DD refused to attend the Wales school as an excuse for not taking her. After being rejected by the 3 nearest schools in the LA I applied to 3 others which were still in the LA but right at the far end and all of them had the attiude of "Why on earth have you applied here when you live 11 miles away? It's too far." Even more frustrating is that after each school rejected us they'd say "Apply to so and so they'll probably have her" and I got the feeling they didn't believe me when I replied that we'd already been rejected by "so and so" and every other in the fucking area. Because all the appeals took so long(you get a date something like 2 months after appealing) soon enough it was nearing the end of Year 10! DD was extremely depressed. No friends or social life due to lack of school and worrying about her future. It was heartbreaking.

As Year 11 started I applied to each school again hoping they'd think "A year later and she's still not got a school place yet? We are now obliged to give her one." bur half the schools said no and the other half didn't bother getting back to me. DD was devastated. She told me "Mum, I just want to go to school and be normal. Why am I being treated like some kind of criminal? I've done nothing wrong." Wow, a teenager wants to go to school and get an education, how awful! I ended up in actual tears writing a letter to my LA and another begging them (literally begging) one of them to give my DD a place somewhere as her mental health was in dire straights. Of course they both said "If her menral health is in a bad place then focus on getting her into CAMHS rather than school for now."

So, here we are. End of Year 11. DD has no friends, no social life and no GCSE's. Luckily she got into college on a Childcare course (was only offered foundation level which is fair enough, it's not the college's fault) so I'm hoping she will begin to feel she has a purpose and make friends and her life will improve. But we are both still so so angry about how we were treated. Our area is well known for having good schools (people move round here from all over for the schools) and it being difficult to get a place after Year 7 but we applied to 6 bloody schools (2 of which were the worst schools in the area, we were desperate so weren't picky) and none of them gave a shit. Yet I've heard cases of scrotes getting thrown out for stabbing someone, they do a month in young offenders then get a place at a different school immedietely :(

OP posts:
glueandstick · 12/06/2019 08:27

I realise you’re getting a flaming here but how could you not do anything for two years? Not even join a facebook home ed group to find out what she could be doing/borrowing text books from the library paying pence for them on amazon second hand? Youtube/documentaries. Literally did nothing?!

You cannot lay the blame entirely on the LEA.

Hopeygoflightly · 12/06/2019 08:27

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it? Ignore the posters saying that you’ve f’d it up, how could you etc.
Until you walk in someone else’s shoes you never really know what you would do in the same circs.
You need to move on from this - what has happened has happened, and get your DD the education she needs for her future

TanMateix · 12/06/2019 08:27

Home education requires a set of skills and consistency that is rare to find, I can easily see why in a crisis situation it might be difficult to keep to it especially if resources, advice and support (and the money to get them) are extremely limited.

TBH the only properly successful home education cases I have seen were those were the parent doing the teaching was highly educated or formerly involved in education, were there is a very strong drive and creativity to keep the learning interesting and in schedule, which again it is difficult to establish and keep to if you have a lot of other stressors like family problems or financial worries.

I wouldn’t be so nasty as to put the blame on this mum, who has tried her best with the information she has.

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2019 08:28

Presumably you sought legal advice, went to your MP and the press at some point during these two years?

pepperpot99 · 12/06/2019 08:31

There is another side to this I think.

TanMateix · 12/06/2019 08:32

Yes, because legal advice is freely and widely made available... you have to fight so much just to get to a person that says, “oh actually, you have a right to legal aid!”

And no, the CAB can only sign post you, they will not fight your case or give you any substantial and specific advice unless you strike luck and get an advisor who actually knows how to fight the lea rather than telling you “Every child has a right to education and they are obliged to provide her a place”.

TheInvestigator · 12/06/2019 08:34

Why didn't you you and see your MP at the first surgery held during what what have been year 10? Or even halfway through the year when she wasn't in school? Why didn't you take all the rejection letters to your MP and get it sorted out? It really sounds like you could have sorted this but didn't.

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2019 08:35

Yes, because legal advice is freely and widely made available... you have to fight so much just to get to a person that says, “oh actually, you have a right to legal aid!”

And the MP and the press would have cost how much?

TanMateix · 12/06/2019 08:38

Going to the MP and the press requires a lot of self confidence. Most people could be broken by the exposure of their private life and struggles to the public. Unfortunately, if you see a middle class fighting this corner in public, they will be fine. If a person living in a council home does the same they are first assumed as incapable or ignorant even if they have done their research or people assume they are not truthful and there is more to the story the person is keeping quiet about (Much like in this thread)

Villanellesproudmum · 12/06/2019 08:38

Why is she doing childcare at college and not GCSEs?? She is really going to limit her future.

Awful situation but she is still young enough for it to be reversed and she can catch up with her peers.

Why did you wait until the start of each year to apply?

WhiteRedRose · 12/06/2019 08:38

She can do her GCSEs at college too? What am I missing??

Tinyteatime · 12/06/2019 08:41

Is there more to this? I’m truly staggered that a child could be left with no where to go, isn’t this illegal?

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2019 08:45

Going to the MP and the press requires a lot of self confidence

Not necessarily, it requires utter desperation, which one would imagine applies in this case.

Kokeshi123 · 12/06/2019 08:45

I have a question.

What if this kind of situation befell a family where the parents, say, couldn't speak very good English, making it impossible for them to home educate in English or to deal with all the ins and outs of haranguing the LEA and going to the MP's surgery and so on....?

Surely there should be systems in place to make sure that some provision is made for teenagers like this, even if their parents don't do everything perfectly.

MsTSwift · 12/06/2019 08:46

Christ why on earth did you move to wales? Moving a secondary age child who is happy and progressing is madness to me everything else has to come after that. It’s very hard to get into decent state schools. Only a few years but so crucial you do not move then. Cautionary tale

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2019 08:47

What if this kind of situation befell a family where the parents, say, couldn't speak very good English, making it impossible for them to home educate in English or to deal with all the ins and outs of haranguing the LEA and going to the MP's surgery and so on....?

Sounds like they’d be fucked, unless they managed to get a charity/organisation working on their behalf.

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2019 08:48

Christ why on earth did you move to wales?

She did say it was pressing family reasons. These things happen.

Kokeshi123 · 12/06/2019 08:49

Exactly.

People are missing the point here. Not every parent is able to advocate effectively for their child--that's why there need to be some basic safety nets in place.

Sockwomble · 12/06/2019 08:50

"Is there more to this? I’m truly staggered that a child could be left with no where to go, isn’t this illegal?"

There are thousands of children without school places for various reasons. My friends 7 year old has been out of school for 6 months because of no special school places and mainstream won't take the child. Even with taking legal action it is not resolved yet.

lazymare · 12/06/2019 08:51

It is appalling.

But why on earth did you rent a flat, move and then contact her old school?

MsTSwift · 12/06/2019 08:53

I cannot think of a “personal family reason”
that would prompt me to cock about with my child’s secondary education. If it was a job move I would live apart for a few years if necessary

endofthelinefinally · 12/06/2019 08:59

Anyone reading this who has similar issues:
Always, always contact you MP. This is exactly what they are supposed to help with, yet many people never consider doing it.
This is a catalogue of disaster caused by lack of forethought and poor decisions.
Thankfully, there are lots of opportunities to do qualifications in adulthood.
OP, I hope your dd manages to find her way to get some qualifications going forward.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/06/2019 09:00

Whilst I can well believe what you went through with schooling or the lack of it a couple of things raise questions

Firstly was the move to Wales really, absolutely necessary considering within 18 months everything was resolved anyway.

Secondly on moving back to England why didn’t your dd continue with her education

Whilst you might not have wanted to home educate it didn’t mean that your dd couldn’t have educated herself at home whilst waiting for a place.

If she had got a place in a school she would have completely struggled and been so far behind she wouldn’t have had a chance.

Ds went to a secondary in our local area (not Wales) and we removed him within 6 weeks due not being able to speak the language

I bought a few books (under £20) which we worked from with Ds and when we did go round schools looking for an alternative we could see what the children were doing and recognised that Ds had already learned that particular bit of Maths or Geography etc

It doesn’t cost a great deal with resources such as libraries and internet and I was able to help him learn despite not having any qualifications myself.

I think this bit I do think you were BU.

You are not helpless and it would have been a good opportunity to teach your dd that if you can’t find something or somebody to do something then you roll up your sleeves and do it yourself.

MsTSwift · 12/06/2019 09:01

Guess am jaded as family member sits on schools appeal panel. My girls school places at the top state single sex school in our area are extremely precious to me you would have to prise them out of my cold dead hands we stay in this area until dd finishes year 11 come hell or high water.

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2019 09:02

I cannot think of a “personal family reason”
that would prompt me to cock about with my child’s secondary education

But presumably when she moved to Wales (and back) she didn’t anticipate such issues with even getting her daughter enrolled at a school?

I attended multiple schools whilst living abroad before returning to the UK in my early teens. Arguably my parents cocked up my education prior to that but one of the motivators in back was so that my education could stabilise. It would never have occurred to my mother in making that decision, that I might be refused a place at all the local schools and left without any formal education for 2 years.

Who would anticipate that in a country where full-time formal education is mandatory up to the age of 16/18?