Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to see new niece

105 replies

isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 12:53

I might be U - I dont know.

Got a new niece, very excited about it, as I have been with all my nieces and nephews.

Mum (SIL) and baby are going to be in hospital for at least a week due to complications, but both are ok.

Family were allowed to visit yesterday (grandparents) and we were told to wait to be invited (uncles and aunts) and that no children would be allowed at all (they have a lot of nieces and nephews on our DB's side of the family and one set on SIL's side).

I thought this was very sensible as so many kids. And it was heirarchical sort of (Grandparents day 1, uncles and aunts day 2, cousins when they get home)

But I got a call today to say that actually the baby wasnt well (she has jaundice) and could I (and my brother wait - which is no problem, I can see her whenever I.E home at the weekend or later.) Obviously disappointed but baby and mum are paramount.

Then My mum has called (a bit annoyed) to say that her visit was interrupted by SIL's sister and her kids and she felt pressured to leave because they were over the visiting allowance and the midwife popped in to say so. She then said SIL's sister has already visited 4 (!) times in the two days and brought her kids twice.

So I just feel a little pushed out really, that I haven't been invited to see her and yet other people have including children.

I know I'm being U. I'm just a little disappointed.

OP posts:
PanteneProV · 11/06/2019 12:56

I totally understand why you’re disappointed but I think it’s different for your SIL having her own sister there to having you there. I would have no problem with my sister seeing me in any state and would welcome her company, but would feel very differently about my husband’s siblings.

It’s hard when you’re excited though! Hopefully they will be home soon and you can meet your niece.

Theknacktoflying · 11/06/2019 12:59

You are allowed to be disappointed
She is a new mum with a sick baby and she is trying to get her head together and it is not saying that her sister was uninvited bisitor ...
Be kind

PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 13:01

I know I'm being U.

Yes, you are. This woman and her baby are ill and recovering from birth -- they don't 'owe' you, or anyone, a visit. The baby will still be new in two or three weeks, whereas you just sound annoyed at not featuring higher on your joint family status hierarchy.

MauisHouseOnMaui · 11/06/2019 13:02

Was the sister invited or did she just show up? I was really poorly after having one of my DC. I had visitors on the first day but after that, when it became evident we were both unwell, DH let everyone know we needed no visitors while we recovered yet I still woke up one morning to find the in-laws "just popping in to say hello" then the following evening had them "just dropping by for a quick cuddle with the baby".

WhiteRedRose · 11/06/2019 13:03

What new Mum says goes, sorry. If she wanted her sister there and is closer to her, then that's up to her.

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 13:04

My brother has just been in contact..... really hoping SIL isn't a MN user.

Her sister just turned up with the kids.... eeek. They didn't know they were coming and weren't invited.

So now I feel terrible for being annoyed. and slightly pleased I read the socal cues and didnt just rock up to the hospital with my kids!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 13:06

Sorry, YABU.

Your SIL is still in hospital after a difficult birth - in for a week?! - it must have been very tough - with the baby also unwell.

It's about her and her only right now - end of. She may be very close to her sister and be getting vital emotional support there (and practical, if first baby, bf etc.)

She may absolutely not want to have her H's relatives, who she does not know even half so well, in attendance. She shouldn't have to see anyone she doesn't feel utterly comfortable with while she is immobile in a hospital bed. The grandparents have seen the baby, and really that's where I would say that duty ends. If your brother is putting her needs first, then well done him.

I would tell your mum to be careful about showing annoyance here, she has absolutely no right to feel anyone 'should' have any right to be there except who SIL is comfortable with. Really.

There will be plenty of time to see and get to know the baby when they are both well and out of hospital.

Thesearmsofmine · 11/06/2019 13:07

YABU but you know that already.

I am much more relaxed around my sister than my sil. Remember she is going to be having all those post birth hormones rushing around as well as the worries of her daughter being poorly and the crapness of being stuck in hospital.

AshQ · 11/06/2019 13:08

I only visited one nephew in hospital but my SIL looked liked she wanted to be left alone to recover and feed baby. I waited until my niece and other nephew were home to visit. I agree having your own sister there is different. My sister was the only person I was happy to see while I was recovering.

Chocmallows · 11/06/2019 13:08

Wait until she is out, sending regular brief messages wishing them well. When you first visit keep it brief, under an hour. You'll be more likely to keep seeing SIL that way and not be that annoying person who's grabby with a new born her sister

FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 13:08

Ah well there you go OP.

Turns out she would perhaps rather not have much of anoyone around right now.

She is probably pretty overwhelmed.

Be patient.

wigglybeezer · 11/06/2019 13:09

I cried when my SIL declined newish born visits ( I was very emotional about the whole thing as very fond of DBro), it's not U to be a bit upset but I understood SILs reasoning and at least she was equitable, she has form for not inviting my sister and I to things ( the wedding was the most upsetting) but it's because she doesn't want to invite her older sister so has to be fair and not bother invite us. I would have been upset in your shoes, but you just have to accept it.

Magpiefeather · 11/06/2019 13:11

Agree. Everything is about mother and baby’s welfare at this moment in time, and if it helps the mother’s recovery (and state of mind) to see her sister then so be it. Immediate family is different than ILs. She has been through a physical and emotional ordeal, and is now dealing with her own recovery as well as a sick baby. She shouldn’t have to worry about a “queue” to see the baby.

I’m not saying you’re doing this but I got a bit upset that once the baby was born most extended family weren’t really interested in how I was doing, they were just incredibly keen to meet the baby. Nice that they were excited, but I had just gone through the most difficult and traumatising experience of my life, and it was all about them wanting to meet the baby. I felt forgotten about at the same time as feeling incredibly protective of the baby. It was just another difficult thing for me to deal with.

Be the lovely one who says “don’t worry about me, I’ll look forward to meeting my lovely new niece whenever you feel up to it. Just let me know when you’re ready for a visit. The most important thing is that you two can recover well without worrying about everyone else. How are you feeling?”

Then when you do visit don’t snatch the baby off the mother (I had a relative do this and it still upsets me to think of!), take good and keep the visit short and sweet. You sound thoughtful and cosiderate though so I’m sure you would do these things anyway!

thecatsthecats · 11/06/2019 13:13

Yup, I think an awful lot of people who others are 'jealous' of for seeing a baby more are those lumbering their relatives with their persistent, unwanted presence.

Magpiefeather · 11/06/2019 13:14

Should say take food! Good food is even better obviously Smile

Juniperjunojunijune · 11/06/2019 13:16

YABVU. She is presumably exhausted after the birth and stressed because the baby is poorly. Mums feelings come first, and of course she is more likely to want to see her own sister if they are close at a draining time. You can all wait for your visit, and she gets to decide when that is. Sorry, I don't mean this in a horrible way, but after any birth mum comes first (and baby, of course, but mum has been through so much even with an easy birth and her feelings are literally all that matter at this time!)

Magpiefeather · 11/06/2019 13:18

Oh and Also, the message of “the mother is fine” - this seems to be a shorthand for alive. I even used it when I was not fine.

I’d had a third degree tear, was terrified of going for a poo, bleeding heavily, struggling to breastfeed, was still on another planet mentally three days later and felt like I’d been clubbed over the head. But I still text everyone “mother and baby both fine”. I now see how silly that was. Just saying the level of “fine” your SIL is may be a lot below actual “fine”.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 13:20

YABU. It’s such a vulnerable time in a woman’s life, she probably doesn’t feel comfortable with you seeing her like that but does with her own sister. I completely understand why she did it. You will get to meet your niece eventually, it’s not the end of the world.

babysharkah · 11/06/2019 13:20

YABU. DTs were in NICU, no one apart from grandparents allowed because of infection risk, and noise, and being a pain in the arse to others.

My sister threw a complete paddy. It's tainted our relationship.

You'll see your niece when she comes home.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 11/06/2019 13:22

It isn't about social cues, but the sister will have far more attachment to her own sister, the mother, than you. So you want to go in, say hi, see baby etc whereas she probably wants to see her sister and see that she is ok. And many families have that kind of relationship, so your SiL won't mind so much.

You don't have to bring the sister down to make yourself feel better.

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 13:28

Hey - I am not being 'V' unfair as I havent pressured or contacted other than wishing them well and saying I'd pop up when they are ready - really not putting the under pressure.

Totally respect that she doesn't want visitors, and wont 'snatch' the baby off her (I remember my Mum doing this to me when I had DS) and the rage I felt was unbelievable ha ha .

I just thought that I had been 'relegated' so to speak. Turns out her own sister is just unaware that the 'no kids' rule was an actual rule.

OP posts:
Cannyhandleit · 11/06/2019 13:28

'Not allowed to see new niece'

Calm down they have asked if you will wait until they are home for you to visit, that is not an unreasonable request and your jealousy of her sister is ridiculous!

FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 13:31

Yes be the lovely person and send a message asking how SIL is doing today. Not baby, but SIL!

spanishwife · 11/06/2019 13:33

Sounds like the sister just turned up without much regard for 'the rules'. As PP it is very different when it's your own sister.
I know it's your brother, but it's all about mum and baby at this stage in time. I am sure she is grateful that you are respecting their terms.
Don't take it personally, send messages to show you are thinking of them and excited, and just be a lovely doting aunty when they are ready.

Magpiefeather · 11/06/2019 13:34

Ah that’s good then OP. This is a good time to make an even better relationship with SIL! If you ask after her and show you care, and wait to be invited to visit, I’m sure she will love you all the more! (She might have been seething at her own sister for bringing the kids!!)

Sounds like you’ve behaved well about it so far. Can understand how it feels a bit disappointing but at least you recognise from the other perspective it’s not meant that way.