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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to see new niece

105 replies

isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 12:53

I might be U - I dont know.

Got a new niece, very excited about it, as I have been with all my nieces and nephews.

Mum (SIL) and baby are going to be in hospital for at least a week due to complications, but both are ok.

Family were allowed to visit yesterday (grandparents) and we were told to wait to be invited (uncles and aunts) and that no children would be allowed at all (they have a lot of nieces and nephews on our DB's side of the family and one set on SIL's side).

I thought this was very sensible as so many kids. And it was heirarchical sort of (Grandparents day 1, uncles and aunts day 2, cousins when they get home)

But I got a call today to say that actually the baby wasnt well (she has jaundice) and could I (and my brother wait - which is no problem, I can see her whenever I.E home at the weekend or later.) Obviously disappointed but baby and mum are paramount.

Then My mum has called (a bit annoyed) to say that her visit was interrupted by SIL's sister and her kids and she felt pressured to leave because they were over the visiting allowance and the midwife popped in to say so. She then said SIL's sister has already visited 4 (!) times in the two days and brought her kids twice.

So I just feel a little pushed out really, that I haven't been invited to see her and yet other people have including children.

I know I'm being U. I'm just a little disappointed.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 11/06/2019 14:41

Be there for her on a wet Tuesday afternoon when the baby is teething and no one has the time to help.
I would have appreciated that more than a rollcall of family members just after I had given birth.

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 14:43

yeah I get that, however when I had my 2, I made sure DP's parents and siblings had the chance to get to know DC just as much as mine. Some didn't take me up on the offer though :-)

DH's DB has barely met the DC. But all the same the offer was there to come meet, interact, have a relationship with.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 14:44

YesI'm sure they know I'll be there for tea and chats, and babysitting if needed, and dogsitting etc.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 11/06/2019 14:46

Your poor SIL having had a very ill baby who was in neonatal the last thing I wanted was lots of family imposing on us. Both grandparents saw him before any family except my dh and ds did. My best friend off 20 years took me for a coffee whilst dh was with the baby as she had a hospital appointment anyway. She saw my baby son briefly but just wanted to offer me support.

I am due a baby soon and honestly do not want most of hubbies family visiting. They hand caused us a lot of issues during this pregnancy and the last thing I need is them imposing when I am recovering from a c-section. My MIL is welcome to visit though.

You are doing the right thing just wait a little while till mum and baby are well enough to visit.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 11/06/2019 14:51

If your brother is feeling pressured fending people off, could the staff help? Say she's not able to have visitors?

ReadMyLipss · 11/06/2019 14:53

yeah I get that, however when I had my 2, I made sure DP's parents and siblings had the chance to get to know DC just as much as mine. Some didn't take me up on the offer though :-)

It's not so just about the baby though is it? It's as much about what the mother went through physically during labour and what she needs now and is comfortable with.

The only reason you backtracked with being OK with the situation is when you found out that actually her sister wasn't invited and just turned up. I think your SIL would not have done anything wrong even if her own sister had been specifically invited and you weren't.

It's not all just about the baby.

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 14:56

I think its just people texting and calling. He is fending them off by text but the sister just turned up uninvited with the kids and has done since again (which he will have to say something to her about - but they are all knackered and hes bad at confontation)

We have big families on both sides and some are more 'fairweather' than others. So will turn up to big occasions and birthdays and Instagram #family #love etc but then not see you for 6m! So I bet its these aunties and uncles demanding a 'cuddle' of the baby.

OP posts:
PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 15:00

It's not so just about the baby though is it? It's as much about what the mother went through physically during labour and what she needs now and is comfortable with.

The only reason you backtracked with being OK with the situation is when you found out that actually her sister wasn't invited and just turned up. I think your SIL would not have done anything wrong even if her own sister had been specifically invited and you weren't.

Indeed. I cannot imagine wanting to make Solomonic decisions about a hierarchy-based baby-viewing list when I was in hospital and presumably unwell myself, as well as dealing with an unwell newborn. If I wanted to see someone often and others not at all, I would. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Boom45 · 11/06/2019 15:01

When i was in with my first (emcs, so i was in hospital 2 days) my SIL text me to see if she could come. I , politely, asked if she'd mind coming to the house in a days time when i was home because i was on a ward, still bleeding and exhausted, and not happy or comfortable there. She agreed on text then turned up anyway. By the time i had my second she'd stopped talking to me (I've never been entirely clear why) so didn't want to come visit but she did eventually send a message that she was "disappointed" my BIL (DH husband) wasn't invited to hospital. I was in 2 weeks with sepsis, nearly died. She's quite the woman....
Obviously this is nowt to do with the OP other than not wanting people to visit in hospital is fine in my opinion and actually maked little difference to the visitor in the long run.

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 15:03

Hey I didn't say there was anything wrong with her choosing her sister (even though she didnt - the sis just ricked up) , just that I was disappointed. It's just a feeling, I am allowed to have feelings....

Neither parents know how I feel, so I'm not pushing it on to them either.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 15:03

ps @Boom45 that sounds rough. Sorry that happened

OP posts:
DesperadoDan · 11/06/2019 15:05

I wish I’d known that the new mothers feelings came first when I had my DC.
Less than 24 hours after coming out of hospital I was cooking dinner for 8 whilst in floods of tears, hormones and getting the news that brand new DS was more than likely Down Syndrome.
You sound like a lovely Auntie, hope new mum and baby are home soon Flowers

Waffles80 · 11/06/2019 15:06

I really needed my sister after my twins were poorly post-birth and in NICU.

I would not have wanted to see my sisters in law. I love them, but I was an absolute mess.

It’s not about you in this circumstance, but about a no-doubt quite distressed new mum.

PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 15:11

Hey I didn't say there was anything wrong with her choosing her sister (even though she didnt - the sis just ricked up) , just that I was disappointed.

But you were pleased to discover you had not, as you put it, 'been relegated', and that her sister had not in fact been invited multiple times, but had turned up uninvited. And what are you disappointed about? What exactly is the pull to visit someone exhausted and unwell with an unwell baby as they recover in hospital?

Lweji · 11/06/2019 15:14

I think it's fine to want to see the new babies in the family, so I don't think you were being pushy at all.

Her sister just turned up with the kids.... eeek. They didn't know they were coming and weren't invited.

After reading your OP, I was going to suggest that what happened was exactly the above. Some people are pushy with visits and a little very inconsiderate.

When my dad was very ill in hospital, visits were only for one hour and I'd rush from work to be there with him. Some days, there would be random people who had not seen him for decades, basically preventing his own family from being with him. And certainly not for my dad's benefit.

Keep respecting your brother's and SIL's wishes. They will appreciate it.

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 15:18

@phossy you seem really angry, and quite unaware of how people feel about their family and when new babies join, I'm sorry about that.

Given that I'm close to my brother and his wife, and we spend a lot of time together and have spent a lot of this pregnancy meeting for coffee, comparing notes, discussing which baby classes we may want to go together too (I have a young baby too), I was quite excited about the baby being born, and quite excited to catch up with the new parents and see my new niece. That's the 'pull' as you put it.

I think this is quite normal for a close family.

As I said before I was waiting for the OK to visit. I am still waiting on the OK to visit. That hasn't changed.

OP posts:
Marmablade · 11/06/2019 15:28

I can beat that! I didn't get to meet my niece for 5 months! My 'D'B gave me excuse after excuse after excuse despite her brothers having visited lots of times (I live 1 hour away and of course offered to travel there). He's been in his house 3 years and we've only had 1 invite. I met her at our parent's house when he just popped over so I've seen her for about 15 minutes in over a year 🙄

YANBU to feel you're second tier to her siblings. It's shit but I've now gone LC with him because he clearly doesn't give a shit about maintaining contact or building relationships with cousins (my 2 are the same ages as his first 2)

Japonicaflower2 · 11/06/2019 15:39

I just thought that I had been 'relegated' so to speak. Turns out her own sister is just unaware that the 'no kids' rule was an actual rule.
It's sounding like you are keeping tabs on your DSIL's visitors OP and giving a running commentary ☹️iit's totally upto your brother and his wife to say who'd they prefer to visit or not.
My overbearing sister charged into the local maternity unit demanding to see my niece (other DSis's DD), was firmly told no way and then proceeded to throw a tantrum and make a formal complaint 😳.
Why is it that some people assume they can override another person's wishes and then complain to all and sundry?
I'm sure you'll be welcome to visit in due course!

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 15:40

Oh that's sad... why was that @Marmablade ? just not in favour? My step dad didnt meet DD for 6ms after she was born either, just didnt turn up when my mum came round. Weird, but he must just not have been interested.

I dont think this was the case here, that's why I was surprised. Me and my kids probably spend more time with them than her sister, who really only shows up when she wants my DB a SIL to babysit her kids.... The hospital is out of town from the village where we (me, DB and SIL) live and is nearer this sisters house so that's probably why she's been turning up. She has form for not reading the room and I think that's whats happened here.

I told my brother before the baby was here that he has to be the sort of barrier and protect Mum and baby from the braying crowds (as I said our family is large) and from his texts he's doing that. He even told me he had a text from our Great Auntie Sidrah who his wife hasn't even met before asking if she can 'drop in' to see the baby!

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 15:42

I'm not keeping tabs, he's texting me a running commentary ha ha. I think he's quite shocked at how many people have got in contact.

OP posts:
PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 15:45

Given that I'm close to my brother and his wife, and we spend a lot of time together and have spent a lot of this pregnancy meeting for coffee, comparing notes, discussing which baby classes we may want to go together too (I have a young baby too), I was quite excited about the baby being born, and quite excited to catch up with the new parents and see my new niece. That's the 'pull' as you put it.

I think this is quite normal for a close family.

We clearly have fundamentally different ideas about what is normal. That sounds incredibly claustrophobic to me.

Gustavo1 · 11/06/2019 15:49

isthisfairidontknow I think it’s normal that you’re disappointed not to have seen your niece yet but it’s great that you’re actually listening to the new parents. In the long run, that will be remembered far more positively than anyone who rode on up to the hospital regardless Flowers

Original poster
isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 15:54

@phossyjaw well me and SIL are actually good friends as well as being connected by marriage so I dont know why its weird when we were pregnant together.

OP posts:
SushiTime · 11/06/2019 16:11

I made my MIL wait 2 weeks. I literally couldn't have done it sooner because of where my head was at. It was so hard having visitors and I'm not sure I'll ever really understand why. But all I wanted was to be alone with DH and DS.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 16:17

That sounds incredibly claustrophobic to me.

If the OP and her SIL were happy with it, does it matter at all what it sounds like to you?
Just let it go. The OP is being a decent sister and SIL. They seem to have a good relationship. Great.