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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to see new niece

105 replies

isthisfairidontknow · 11/06/2019 12:53

I might be U - I dont know.

Got a new niece, very excited about it, as I have been with all my nieces and nephews.

Mum (SIL) and baby are going to be in hospital for at least a week due to complications, but both are ok.

Family were allowed to visit yesterday (grandparents) and we were told to wait to be invited (uncles and aunts) and that no children would be allowed at all (they have a lot of nieces and nephews on our DB's side of the family and one set on SIL's side).

I thought this was very sensible as so many kids. And it was heirarchical sort of (Grandparents day 1, uncles and aunts day 2, cousins when they get home)

But I got a call today to say that actually the baby wasnt well (she has jaundice) and could I (and my brother wait - which is no problem, I can see her whenever I.E home at the weekend or later.) Obviously disappointed but baby and mum are paramount.

Then My mum has called (a bit annoyed) to say that her visit was interrupted by SIL's sister and her kids and she felt pressured to leave because they were over the visiting allowance and the midwife popped in to say so. She then said SIL's sister has already visited 4 (!) times in the two days and brought her kids twice.

So I just feel a little pushed out really, that I haven't been invited to see her and yet other people have including children.

I know I'm being U. I'm just a little disappointed.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 11/06/2019 16:20

She'll likely not be such good friends if she sees this.
Also you haven't 'picked up on social cues' 😂you were explicitly were told not to go.😜

PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 16:23

It doesn't matter what it sounds like to me @lweji. As I said to the OP, we're starting off a fundamentally different idea of what constitutes a normal level of interrelationship, so it's perhaps more understandable that the OP feels 'relegated' if she and her SIL have spent the SIL's entire pregnancy comparing notes and planning baby classes.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 16:23

you were explicitly were told not to go

Presumably because the OP asked first if she could visit.
Unlike SIL's sister who just showed up.

mondaylisasmile · 11/06/2019 16:24

the message of “the mother is fine” - this seems to be a shorthand for alive

Amen to this! I have a family member who was under crazy visitor pressure because they told everyone both are fine... You don't want to get into the intricate details of post birth repair work and infected stitches with a mother in law you're not terribly close to.. yet the in laws were throwing text message guilt trips and multiple missed calls from about 4 hrs post birth because "other granny has visited" - to support her daughter- fucking unbelievable and even now (years later) I still wonder at their behaviour.. absolutely shocking behaviour at these times in some families!!

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/06/2019 16:30

OP you sound lovely and considerate.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 11/06/2019 16:33

You sound a little pleased with yourself now, as if you are pleased that you think the sister might not have behaved well? I get that might make you feel better about not going in, but it is very likely that she is pleased to see her sister as they are closer.

saraclara · 11/06/2019 16:34

Jeeze there are some grumpy people with poor comprehension skills on this thread!

You sound lovely, OP (and I'm not one of those people who says 'you sound lovely' in the normal scheme of things!). Your SIL is lucky to have you as a friend as well as an inlaw. My eldest daughter and I will shortly become grandma/auntie, and the things you've done for your SIL are things I'll talk about with my eldest and which we'll try to do for the mum-to-be daughter.

Marmablade · 11/06/2019 16:35

I honestly don't know. He forgot his god daughter's bday this year too which was shit. But it sounds as though you've got a better relationship than me. He came to the hospital to see the DD who became his god daughter but between then and his 3rd daughter it's gone to shit.

Jeezoh · 11/06/2019 16:41

You sound lovely OP, despite some posters practically frothing at the mouth trying to catch you out so they can say “aha, I knew you were being unreasonable” Hmm

Sounds like you’ll get plenty of chances to meet the baby once they’re home and settled and I’m sure your SIL appreciates you abiding by her wishes

LaMarschallin · 11/06/2019 16:45

To be fair to the OP this does seem to be one of those AIBU? threads where the OP has taken on the opinions of others and ended up saying, "Ok. Maybe I was BU, but I can't help how I felt/feel. And I'll try some of those suggestions about making some nice food, taking the dog out etc".
You do sound nice, OP, and of course you can't help your feelings. But you also sound like you're managing them well. Lots of people would like a SiL like you (I'd swap my two for you, but that's another story! 🙂).

Teddybear45 · 11/06/2019 16:45

To be fair my sil also prioritized her family to visit first but that’s because they are all cunts (especially her sister) and she wanted them out of the way in the first day so she didn’t need to see them again. Her dad kept turning up uninvited but thankfully the hospital requires guests to be signed into the Neonatal unit and so he never got a chance to go in.

Owlbert · 11/06/2019 16:51

You sound lovely and considerate. I'm sure you will get to see her soon, it's hard being patient with such an exciting thing as a new baby!

xJune88 · 11/06/2019 16:58

I've just given birth 24 days ago and have many family members who haven't met my daughter yet had emcs and she was in special care and we were in hospital for 6 days after birth. I just wanted time with my new little family and was petrified of people bringing infections and didn't want any children near her but some people turned up unannounced and its bloody awful. Especially when struggling to breast feed and very uncomfortable. Dont know why people think they need to see the baby instantly becoming a new parent is bloody hard!

stayathomer · 11/06/2019 17:03

Then My mum has called (a bit annoyed) to say that her visit was interrupted by SIL's sister and her kids and she felt pressured to leave because they were over the visiting allowance

I think you could perhaps tell your mum what's been said so much in this thread, that it's her sister so it was fair enough for her sister to be there. Glad it's sorted OP

pokepoke · 11/06/2019 17:03

@isthisfairidontknow just wanted to say that you sound lovely and I wish I had a SIL like you 😆

blackcat86 · 11/06/2019 17:06

I'm presuming her baby is in special care as they had the same rules. You could only have 2 adults to a cot (so when someone visited one of us would have to leave) and no children who were not siblings of the baby. To be honest it took the pressure of uninvited cousins and their poorly behaved children. Focus on the support you can offer to them. A nice text to your brother or SIL asking if there is anything you can do to help would go miles. It was silly things like having someone bring in specific formula when DD had feeding issues or buying tiny baby clothes because nothing fit her, collecting my dirty clothes and bringing me in clean comfy ones (post c section and in for 9 days), feeding the cat, and having a quick clean at home before we were discharged. Of course a lot of our family didn't actually give a shit about helping as much as falling over each other to post a Facebook photo with the new baby. I still remember exactly who did what. You sound likely a lovely and considerate person so be a helper. They need all the genuine help and support they can get.

waterrat · 11/06/2019 17:13

Oh god. Honestly so self absorbed to think you are in any way reasonable to have a right to visit.

Get over it - the poor woman is in hospital, I literally cannot understand grown adults fussing and even thinking for a minute about their own wish to see a baby.

her sister is also her sister - you aren't. Deal with it.

redspider1 · 11/06/2019 17:29

Your OP title is misleading. You’ve been asked to wait until the mother is ready to see you, not told you are not allowed.
You say mother and baby are paramount, but obviously not where you are concerned because then you’re feelings are paramount.
Your own sister is different to a sister in law like you who runs to MN to mean about you when you are in hospital with your new baby who is not well enough to go home.
I think I know who is BU.

NasiGoreng · 11/06/2019 17:38

OP, you are very reasonable as I see you now have come round a bit. TBH, if I had just given birth and was in hospital for a week with a sick baby, I would be mightily pissed off if extended family started making my life more stressed out than it already was.

MitziK · 11/06/2019 17:38

I still (and so does the ex) resent his sister for ignoring the explicit instructions that visiting was GPs only.

She was on her way before I'd even been sewn back up again.

And she wouldn't fucking leave. In the end, the ex told her to fuck off which was one of the few times I respected him for defending me but not until I'd had three hours of no pain relief, bleeding profusely and the inane witterings of somebody who turned up in muddy cycling clothes, filthy long fingernails and expected to stay in the cubicle whilst I tried to BF.

This then went on to incessant bothering to have Her Niece overnight. She was 17, FFS. Piss right off. Mind you, by then, GM was also being a pain in the arse about it, but at least I vaguely trusted her to not drop the kid down the stairs or lose her under the piles of shit in her bedroom.

You will be remembered as the relative who respected their wishes. She will be remembered as the pain in the fucking arse who wouldn't take no for an answer.

NasiGoreng · 11/06/2019 17:40

blackcat86 gives very good advice. Take this opportunity to show your SIL that you are someone good to have around and are a rock in stressful times.

saraclara · 11/06/2019 17:40

People really don't RTFT, do they?

KinderSurpriseBump · 11/06/2019 17:41

No-one expects to have post-partum complications. It can be quite a roller coaster of emotions. Your SIL probably just wants to see the person/people she usually relies on for support.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/06/2019 17:44

What gets into people's heads when a new baby is involved?
I still get mad when I think about how both my family and inlaws all rode roughshod over my wishes and DH's utter failure to recognise how exhausted and worn out I was, set against his total fear of being the bad guy in the face of everyone's selfish insistence on having to see a fresh newborn. Each time.
EG. Turning up at the house the moment I got out of hospital and having "family parties" ( drinking any alcohol they could find and staying til midnight - I had to ring for a taxi to get them to go. ) MIL picking away, saying things like "Its funny even after a week you still look pregnant." and "I thought all mothers had the urge to clean the house just before they gave birth" With the 3rd one, also a sick baby. I particularly objected but along they still came, because if they didn't come that moment they'd have to wait another week before it was convenient for them to come again. So they turned up 20 mins after I'd got home and stayed for 5 hours. I'd had an emergency birth so I hadn't even set up the cot to put the baby down. I had no food all day, whilst DH made them tea and "entertained" them and they all sat and watched me struggle to breastfeeding. The tears were running down my cheeks and they still wouldn't effing go!!!

Please have mercy on your sister in law. She probably hasn't even thought about the guest list heirarchy beyond her DH. She probably just wants to be left alone for a bit to recover and not to deal with a queue of people demanding their rights when she feels like utter
crap.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 17:47

saraclara

People really don't RTFT, do they?

Nope.