Not allowed to see new niece

[isthisfairidontknow]

I might be U - I dont know.

Got a new niece, very excited about it, as I have been with all my nieces and nephews.

Mum (SIL) and baby are going to be in hospital for at least a week due to complications, but both are ok.

Family were allowed to visit yesterday (grandparents) and we were told to wait to be invited (uncles and aunts) and that no children would be allowed at all (they have a lot of nieces and nephews on our DB's side of the family and one set on SIL's side).

I thought this was very sensible as so many kids. And it was heirarchical sort of (Grandparents day 1, uncles and aunts day 2, cousins when they get home)

But I got a call today to say that actually the baby wasnt well (she has jaundice) and could I (and my brother wait - which is no problem, I can see her whenever I.E home at the weekend or later.) Obviously disappointed but baby and mum are paramount.

Then My mum has called (a bit annoyed) to say that her visit was interrupted by SIL's sister and her kids and she felt pressured to leave because they were over the visiting allowance and the midwife popped in to say so. She then said SIL's sister has already visited 4 (!) times in the two days and brought her kids twice.

So I just feel a little pushed out really, that I haven't been invited to see her and yet other people have including children.

I know I'm being U. I'm just a little disappointed.

Her sister just turned up with the kids.... eeek. They didn't know they were coming and weren't invited.

The nurse on the wing should have asked her if she wanted visitors, and if not turned them away. It's a hospital, not a petting zoo.

I have focussed on her too., I've bought her and DB a takeaway voucher and massage for her when she's well enough, and I have text her only once saying I thought she'd done so well and not to worry about texting back....and kept in touch with DB to see how things are getting on.

You seem to have made the assumption I've got only eyes for my nice and im going to sweep in and ignore my SIL and grab the baby. I'm not - thats why I havent tried to visit or drag my kids in uninvited.

I only said I was a bit disappointed. And then I corrected myself when I realised that NO ONE had been invited, just some family members had turned up multiple times with their kids.

God I feel sorry for them if anything. Baby is unwell, Mum recovering and visitors ignoring their wishes :-(

I just thought that I had been 'relegated' so to speak. Turns out her own sister is just unaware that the 'no kids' rule was an actual rule.

For God's sake, OP. Unpick this. You are the one setting up social hierarchies at the bedside of a woman and a newborn who have been kept in hospital because they're unwell enough to be kept in for a week when usually you're sent home when barely ambulant. And now you're all happy because you think you haven't been 'relegated', it's just that your SIL's sister has misread 'cues'.

That's incredibly petty. What would it matter if you had been 'relegated'? Is your self-esteem really that fragile?

I think people (myself included) just relate your OP to their own experience. Which prompts their reply. Posters don’t know you at the end of the day, so are just going off your Op and their own experience. From your updates I’d say all is fine, you’re obviously considerate and doing the right things! Don’t worry about it!

I can totally understand. I imagine mother is a bit shell shocked and probably doesn't feel up to visitors. Her own sister is different probably as she doesn't mind being seen looking like death/bleeding etc in front of her.

Never judge a new mum for wanting space. All the clamouring visitors I had after dd1 contributed to my pnd. No one has a right to the baby!!

There’s no social cues that you were clever enough to read OP, they told you not to visit.

It’s your SIL who’s recovering and one the patients not your brother. Maybe her sister did just show up or maybe she wanted her there. It makes me feel better seeing my sister when I’m low or in difficult situation, when I don’t really want to see anyone else. If she feels the same and that means you feel a bit left out then I don’t think you’re being empathetic or realistic but it’s really not important at this time with an ill baby and recovering mother. She maybe feels she has to say her sister just turned up as you and your mum were being a bit off and she wanted to save her husband getting hassle off you. It’s not inevitable but very often you feel more comfortable with your own family and birth is such a physically and emotionally vulnerable time for women.

It’s early days, be kind to your sister in law and brother and enjoy your niece when you meet her.

My DP is under strict instructions - no visitors at the hospital. It was the same with my first two as well. I don't care who is bothered or upset by that, it's MY baby not theirs. I don't want visitors when I am feeling like utter shit, there's plenty of time when we're at home.

As for being 'relegated'? Maybe so but I am sure it's not with intent to hurt you. She probably just wants her own sister there which is fair enough IMO.

You can be disappointed but there isn’t anything you can do.

It’s difficult after giving birth you feel very vulnerable, it’s a horrible environment, if she’s trying to establish breast feeding that will add pressure and having her own sister there is very very different to in laws. Doesn’t mean that she cares less it just means she’s more comfortable with her own family. Unless there is a back story it doesn’t mean it will be the same when she’s out of hospital

Just read your subsequent posts after I wrote mine. I think it’s pretty odd and well disgusting that you’re focusing on and using words like fairness, hierarchical and relegation - you know you’re talking about a mum in hospital who’s just had a complicated delivery and an ill little neonate? You need to really examine why on Earth this would enter your mind rather than of course don’t give visits a minutes thought, well done congrats, take care of each other and call us if you need anything.

You do sound lovely to be honest, and it's understandable to be disappointed.

The baby is not going anywhere, you will have years to catch up. I don't really understand this race to see "a new born" , "have a cuddle".

Offer to drop some nice ready-meals cook style (or home-cooked meals if you can be bothered) at your brother's to help them out. That would be much more appreciated than a visit in hospital.

Ultimately, you and your mum are not your SIL's family. You might feel that you are as close to your niece than her side, but for her, you are not. That's natural, nothing personal about it - she must be worried sick as it is, and I hope for her she has a private room and is not stuck on a communal ward.

I think YABVU. I know she didn't do this, but she has every right to specifically invite her own sister and her kids to visit if that's what made her feel better.

She is as much a patient at the hospital having undergone whatever physical trauma she went through as the baby is, and she should be allowed to see whoever she wants to make her feel better when she's in that vulnerable position.

Not everything has to be equal for the sake of it, which is what you are implying it should be.

Well done for following mum's requests. I bet she will remember that you did but her own sister rode rough shod over her feelings.
Realise you felt hurt but venting to us lot was a good thing to do as was not giving them grief.
Send her card and a note wishing them both a good recovery and perhaps mention how you felt when your mum grabbed the baby. Good moment for you guys to bond.

Yeah me and my Mum and my sister did some batch cooking for them a few weeks ago, so their freezer is full of lasagne, curry etc, and I'm walking their dog every night for them so trying to be helpful.

They do have a private room actually so at least they aren't on a ward. Just chatting to him and he says he's feeling very pressured at the moment, fending off family (from both sides) etc so I have reiterated not to worry and we'll see her when we see her.

Newborn babies are over rated IMO.

Just thought I’d share that with you.

you are a star, offer support and help but don't crowd them. When the fog has lifted a bit, she will remember that.

Congratulations on your new niece! I'm sure your DB and DSIL will appreciate that you've listened to them and that you're helping in other ways (eg cooking, walking the dog).

ha ha IM0GEN, that's fair enough. But she looks so squidgy! She was fucking huge too, nearly 10lbs so she has extra chunk!

I understand feeling disappointed and it's great that you came to mumsnet to talk about it rather than upset family members. Not quite sure why everyone gets such a hard time on here just for having feelings when they don't intend to share them in real life. It's ok to feel down about things like this, you can't control your feelings, you can only control how you act on them. Very sensible not to act, vent on here and I'm not surprised your SIL turned up unannounced, I was expecting that to be the case from the start.

You sound lovely and considerate, your SIL will really appreciate your patience. I had a difficult birth and then DD was very ill in SCBU, my in laws completely ignored requests to wait less than a day to come and visit making an awful situation even worse.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things to support them OP. I get why you felt initially aggrieved but have now completely backtracked.

Continue to support your DB and SIL and I bet you will end up being very close to your family and niece - as they will know they can trust you to respect their wishes and that is important.

Enjoy all the newborn cuddles when you do get them.

Yeah, its weird isn't it, on MN you aren't allowed to feel things, that it's breaching 'the rules'.

I do also feel sad that as someone said above

ultimately, you and your mum are not your SIL's family. You might feel that you are as close to your niece than her side, but for her, you are not. That's natural, nothing personal about it

but not much I can do about it. I'm just waiting anyway - no rush. Not sure the baby will remember any of these early visits anyway

Can't think of anything worse than the whole family descending on you while you are still in hospital, even close family. Should be dad and any siblings and anyone else can wait until you are home unless especially requested by the mum.

I do also feel sad that as someone said above

ultimately, you and your mum are not your SIL's family.

that was me. It's true though. Don't you feel closer to your own mum and siblings than your In-laws?

Mums will always be closer to their own side of the family. So, I'm afraid you are further down the pecking order as you're her husband's sister, not her sister. It's just the way of things.