Meeting daughters boyfriends parents

[Jojobean80]

We are collecting our daughter from uni this week and are going early to meet her boyfriends parents. They are middle class whilst we are from a working class background. We are much younger than them, we often show each other affection in public and like to joke around. Our dd has given us a list of rules about how we must behave because she really likes this boy. We’re not allowed to behave silly and definitely are not allowed to show pda. Am I being unreasonable by telling her that we’re the parents and we will just behave as we normally do?

Without having met you nor them, it's hard to know if your behaviour would actually be an issue or if your daughter is just nervous. Could you not just tone it down a little on the PDA for a couple of hours for your daughter's sake?

Yes. Don't purposefully make your daughter uncomfortable. You're meeting them, it would be pretty inappropriate to have PDAs in that whoever you were meeting.

In the long term, if they stay together; they'll get used to you and you can all be very "normal" with each other. But right now you're meeting the parents of someone very important to her. If you can't do that without embarrassing her on purpose, you're unlikely to get invited to much else.

I think given this is the first time you're going to be meeting total strangers, I'd tone it down.
No one wants to watch people sitting there kissing and canoodling. And "joking around" is subjective - what might be funny to you might go down like a lead balloon to someone else. And not because of class.

Can you just go and act like sensible grown ups, for her sake? If he visits you again, he gets the normal you. If you meet his parents again, then they get more of the real you.

But i wouldn't meet anyone for the first time and sit there snickering in my partners ear, kissing and pratting about.

Think of it as a job interview best behaviour until you know what’s appropriate with regards to these people.

If you mess this up she won’t invite you again.

It really depends on what you mean by PDA.
If you mean holding hands then that is fine and normal, if you are snogging each other’s faces off that would be inappropriate in any situation tbh.

YABU. In the future you should just be yourself and behave as you like. But on this occasion your DD is anxious and has asked you to do this to help her. Please don’t make things harder for her.

You really shouldn't be doing anything to purposefully show your dd up. My dd would never even have to give us a set of rules in a situation like this because she knows we are always respectful.

I agree with PP - PDA's in front of strangers is not appropriate.

I'd suggest acting in the same way as you would if DH was introducing you to his boss for the first time.

It's also important to remember how easily embarrassed you get at that age, and acknowledge that she's serious about this boy, so you should help her make a good impression.

Of course you should respect her list just calm it down a little she just doesn't want anything that could make his parents uncomfortable, i mean she is probably being overcautious but just play along.

What does PDA mean in your case? If you’re all over each other like teenagers in front of strangers, I can see why she’d be completely embarrassed. That’s not a class issue either, that’s just a ‘behave like an adult in polite company’ one. Same goes for whatever ‘joking around’ means. I’m sure you’re very young, fun and ‘proper mad I am’ type of people, but you can scare them off with that sort of personality once you get to know them better.

I suspect this will be the last time you’re invited to meet anyone important to your daughter if you deliberately embarrass her.

we’re the parents and we will just behave as we normally do?

It sounds like you actually want to cause her embarrassment and make her unnecessarily anxious, about what to her, will be an important moment in the relationship.

I would question why you feel like this is the appropriate way to behaviour. Surely most parents want to minimise distress and anxiety for their children.

behave, not behaviour.

Just behave and don't show her up.

Well exactly maras2

Why do you want to embarrass your (and her boyfriend and his parents)
just act like grow ups!

I think hold fire until you've met them, but what we don't know on here is what you mean by PDA and joking around. I'd play it by ear but don't deliberately show her up in front of these people, which I suspect is what she's worried about.

Oh come on.

Your DD is giving you a pretty clear sign that she's unsure of herself, wants you to make a good impression and she would like your support. The job interview analogy is a good one. They're people you don't know - you adjust your behaviour and don't go in behaving the way you do with people you've known years. It's common sense, and it's what almost all people do...

EXCEPT those with absolutely no self awareness who seem to take pride in being 'take me as you find me' - which almost always equates to loud, OTT, in your face. Cringe, in other words.

So, I would be careful here and I'd cop on to myself and listen to what she's trying to say to you. Don't immediately get chippy. And...

we’re the parents - um not here, you're not. She's an adult, at uni. She doesn't have to introduce you to these new people in her life and if you stuff up, she might decide not to include you much in this new phase.

and we will just behave as we normally do? - entirely up to you, but I wouldn't... see above!

She's just nervous as it means a lot to her, I'm sure she's not trying to offend you. For what it's worth you sound like my mum and his parents sound like my DH parents.. our mums are like chalk and cheese but they get on together really well together and we often go out with both mum together for lunch!

As per pp, be yourself but don't deliberately embarrass her.

I’ve met her boyfriend before and we chat frequently. I get on great with him and he’s a really nice young man. This will however be the first time that he meets her dad and the first time that all of us parents will be meeting. From my daughters messages, she’s more concerned about her dads behaviour because he is very protective of her and they’ve already had an argument about him not wanting her boyfriend to sleep at our house when he visits. We would never intentionally embarrass her but it feels as though she doesn’t think we’re good enough.

It will be a really big thing for your daughter, and she's naturally going to feel anxious about it. Don't take it personally.
I'm sure you will all be fine.

PDAs are inappropriate for everyone. Why would you need to do that in front of the parents of your daughter's boyfriend? You have a home.

Other than that, be yourselves. Don't talk for the sake of talking, ie if you have nothing to say. You might find they like you and you like them.

We would never intentionally embarrass her

But you've proposed doing just that by going against what she's asked you that do.

PDA is always a bit gross regardless of who you’re doing it in front of so for the sake of everyone (not just the boyfriend’s parents) I would try to rein it in. Same with silliness - if you’re meeting someone for the first time it’s a bit exclusionary to have your own jokes etc.

Otherwise though if they look down on you for being working class or younger than them then they’re the ones who are rude and have a problem.

I expect the boyfriend has given his parents a similar list of banned activities by the way!

we're not allowed to behave silly brings to mind Ab Fab!

I'm a firm believer in being yourself, I'm sure you won't embarrass her, she's probably just nervous. Maybe tone it down slightly if you think it'll help.