Meeting daughters boyfriends parents

[Jojobean80]

We are collecting our daughter from uni this week and are going early to meet her boyfriends parents. They are middle class whilst we are from a working class background. We are much younger than them, we often show each other affection in public and like to joke around. Our dd has given us a list of rules about how we must behave because she really likes this boy. We’re not allowed to behave silly and definitely are not allowed to show pda. Am I being unreasonable by telling her that we’re the parents and we will just behave as we normally do?

they’ve already had an argument about him not wanting her boyfriend to sleep at our house when he visits

This makes no sense given she's an adult living away at uni.

We would never intentionally embarrass her

And yet in your OP you’ve said you intend to do just that. She’s told you what she finds embarrassing about your behaviour, but your intention is “just to behave as we normally do”.

I think that under these circumstances I'd definitely adopt just a generally more restrained version of myself, which is what I normally do when I'm meeting new people and the stakes are somewhat higher than usual.

Behave. No PDAs because she's asked. Surely you can wait until you get home? Don't act like twats, it's not hard.

And why can't her boyfriend come to stay? She's an adult and he's a nice lad.

And no PDA, that's embarrassing for her obviously.

She's hardly the first person to ask their parents to "pleease don't embarrass me in front of my mates/boyfriend/girlfriend etc."

We would never intentionally embarrass her but it feels as though she doesn’t think we’re good enough.

Obviously you know your daughter best but it sounds less like she doesn't think you are good enough but that she sometimes finds your behaviour embarrassing. You haven't answered the question asking what you mean by pda or acting silly. Without that information, it's impossible to say whether she's being overly sensitive or whether she has a point. Hand holding or arms around one another fine. Snogging inappropriate in any social setting.

Your dh is perfectly entitled to not want them to sleep together when they stay over. She's equally entitled to go to his instead. It probably won't do much for their relationship though if he doesn't recognise she is now an adult.

it feels as though she doesn’t think we’re good enough.

Then prove her wrong. Definitely tone down the ‘joking around’. You could ask her what his parents are like, what are their jobs, hobbies, interests etc. Then try to find some common ground so you can talk to them. They are probably a bit nervous about meeting you, too, and will probably want to do likewise.

Good luck, I’m sure it will be fine .

@SoupDragon, I totally agree and I have to admit that I sided with my daughter on the sleeping over argument. My husband as previously stated is very protective of her as we have 3 boys but only 1 daughter and I think he’s he still views her as his little girl

I'm sure it would be disappointing for you to sense that your daughter feels you're not good enough, but she's no doubt feeling major anxiety so just let her grow into the situation.

There's time enough for her to come around to a more independent way of thinking.

With your update I'd be very careful if I were you. My dd is a similar age and she no longer speaks to her biological father because of his behaviour that he thinks is hilarious and the sheer embarrassment it would cause her. She's been no contact for over a year now.

Jeez, there’s a child at my kids’ school whose parents are all over each other. Please don’t be them. I’m no prude at all, but hands all over each other’s thighs and arses and constant kissing is not really appropriate in company.

Another set of school parents are like this but not in the playground. I remember her explaining about how they like showing their children how to love and be affectionate etc etc. That sounds great, but I’m reality for me it just shows a lack of understanding of social norms and lack of control.

My sister and her bf are in a horrible violent relationship. Always been extremely affectionate and lots of PDA in front of anyone and everyone. It makes me feel ill.

Your husband sounds very sexist, I would be embarrassed if I were your dd too.

Nobody likes PDAs and tone down the joking around until you know your audience. It's not like you'll be seeing them all the time so I'm sure you can put yourself out for a couple of hours once in a blue moon for your daughters sake.

You need to speak to your husband before he fucks his relationship with your dd up beyond repair.

Of course it's hard to have your daughter suddenly point out that there are things about you that embarrass her. I'd be taken aback, too. But she's young, this relationship matters to her, and you probably need to reflect a little on how you might have felt at her age. Her boyfriend is probably telling his parents not to be too stuffy.

I see what you mean as in my mum and dad were very silly and my mum would always be joking about how handsome my dad is etc...... nothing touchy or ott in my opinion! But I was really proud of them and how much they got on. I’d never have wanted them to change but I suppose I didn’t feel like they were a show up. I know if I did think that they’d do whatever they could to not let me down.

I had images of you and your husband being a meet the fockers type couple 😂. Until I read your update that is. I’m not sure what the actual issue is tbh..... that her dad is over protective, that you’re touchy-feely, that you’re young, working class or all of the above 🤷🏻‍♀️. I really hope it goes great anyway!

This is about her, no you. So I’d do everything possible to make it work for her and if she is unlucky enough to have judgemental, crappy parents of her boyfriend, then for the love of God don’t add to it by being embarrassing and ‘showing it like it is’ etc etc to make your own point.

No one wants to watch people sitting there kissing and canoodling. And "joking around" is subjective - what might be funny to you might go down like a lead balloon to someone else.

Class has nothing to do with this, as far as I can see, unless you see public canoodling and whatever delights as covered by 'joking around' as characteristic working-class behaviours? Surely it's possible to 'be yourselves' without being embarrassing in your first encounter with strangers your daughter would like you to get along with for an hour?

Our Pda is generally holding hands or a quick peck on the lips if it’s appropriate. However we are very affectionate at home and I think she’s somehow convinced herself that we’ll behave that way in public, we don’t. I don’t think that we act inappropriately and don’t see an issue with our sense of humour. Her boyfriend told me that I’m cool, funny, really nice and yesterday told me on the phone that he loves me (he was sober). I just feel as though dd is ashamed of us, we made sure that she had a middle class education so she can have a better life than us and now she wants us to behave differently. She has even told us that normal parents aren’t supposed to still be in love after so many years

DCs at that age can become acutely embarrassed by parental behaviour even if that embarrassment does not seem justified to us. It is easy for us as parents to forget when they go to Uni that they are living as adults and have forged adult friendships and relationships that we have had no input in. I see it as them wanting to be proud of us when introducing us to people in their ‘world’ - in the same way we wanted them to behave appropriately so we could be proud of them when they were younger and meeting people who were friends or acquaintances of ours. I am happy to adapt to enable my DCs to feel comfortable having me around their friends and family when invited. That said we’ve also had chats over the years about them not acknowledging us as all when they were with friends (early teens) and how hurtful that can be as a parent when a smile of a quick word would be all we hoped for.

But I still don't see why class is relevant to this? What is it about your behaviour that you seem to think your DD think's is insufficiently middle-class?

This is a bit like the film Meet The Fockers .

I think she wants you to behave appropriately rather than differently. If I'm meeting someone new then I wouldn't be holding hands or giving my husband a peck on the lips.

And she's sort of right. We've been married years, still love each other but we aren't and never have been overly touchy feely in front of the children or family.

Oh come on. Every teenager cringes a bit at their own parents. Even if other kids their age think they are cool.

Give her a break. She's being treated like a little girl by her dad and wants to impress her boyfriends parents. You won't need to kiss your DH in their company so don't.

I'm sure within 5 minutes you'll all be getting on well once the nerves are gone.

I think she’s just anxious which is understandable.

My dd has several middle class friends, we live in a council house and they love coming here to hang out, apparently I’m cool. I’m a strong believer of being yourself, what’s the point in pretending you are something your not? I was alway embarrassed of my parents growing up, I’m not really sure why because they were pretty laid back and not that strict.

It doesn't matter if yours is the greatest love story ever told - why would you physically need to hold your husband's hands and give him a "peck" on the lips or anywhere else when you are simply meeting someone's family. Does your DH feel the need to claim "ownership" of you in front of strangers?!