Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Meeting daughters boyfriends parents

112 replies

Jojobean80 · 11/06/2019 10:40

We are collecting our daughter from uni this week and are going early to meet her boyfriends parents. They are middle class whilst we are from a working class background. We are much younger than them, we often show each other affection in public and like to joke around. Our dd has given us a list of rules about how we must behave because she really likes this boy. We’re not allowed to behave silly and definitely are not allowed to show pda. Am I being unreasonable by telling her that we’re the parents and we will just behave as we normally do?

OP posts:

saraclara · 11/06/2019 12:18

Incidentally, I was the on the other side of this. The middle class person marrying into a working class mining household. I was terrified that my mum was going to be snobby with them. But both families got on really well, and it was never an issue.

I wouldn't have dared tell my mum how to behave though!

BenidormBlast · 11/06/2019 12:23

'our daughter speaks correct English with no trace of her northern accent and fits in very well with her boyfriends family. I think she’s worried that we do speak with a northern accent and aren’t as posh as his family are. My husband and I are both intelligent but we’re not prepared to spend the evening trying to sound like they do.'

Lots of projecting going on there. You seem to be insecure, lacking in self esteem and are blaming it on your dds alleged expectations.

Just be polite, no pdas and all will be fine.

Fibbke · 11/06/2019 12:26

Just be polite. If you end up going for a coffee make sure you can pay for everyone and offer to do so.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/06/2019 12:27

Your daughter has asked you for your support for a couple of hours to meet her BFs parents. She's even indicated things that you do all the time that she'd like you not to do.. but you are very resistant to this because you are the parents.? Your daughter feels its inappropriate but you think you should just ignore that and do it anyway? No wonder she's worried. Can't you just shelve your pride and help her out for a few hours?
The other issue is her dad's "outspoken" attitude to her boyfriend.. it seems like he has no filter and would speak his mind at this meeting which is really just a social, friendly introduction and not an opportunity to go over resentments or lay down rules. Why cant the BF stay at your house when he visits? I can understand an objection to sharing a bed in your house but not staying there at all.. That's really odd.. Is your DH asking him to get a hotel nearby or something.
Listen to your daughter, she's asking for your support and its no skin off your nose to give it to her is it? I've been in the same predicament and I could never understand why my parents didn't care enough or respect me enough to reign it in for an hour or two (in their case sniping and arguing unpleasantly with each other in public) Sorry if that sounds harsh but try to see this from your daughters perspective.

Fibbke · 11/06/2019 12:27

Your dds bf said he loved you??

ConkerGame · 11/06/2019 12:28

OP, she’ll just be nervous as she really wants it to go well and so is thinking of things that could go wrong and is trying to prevent these things occurring.

This isn’t a statement on her thinking you’re not good enough, she just wants everyone to get on. And if his parents do turn out to be snobs who look down on your background/income then hopefully her bf will stick up for her/you and tell his parents to behave themselves and not be rude. More likely, they are going to be nice people who are excited/nervous to meet you and are hoping not to embarrass their son.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 12:32

My husband as previously stated is very protective of her as we have 3 boys but only 1 daughter and I think he’s he still views her as his little girl

If your husband is a sexist who treats his daughter differently to his sons and won't respect her as an adult then tell him he needs to grow up before he loses his relationship with her. You say you think she's more concerned about her dad's behaviour - yes, if he is boorish, liable to make even a faintly sexist comment about 'his little girl growing up' or similar, all the while having his arm slung possessively around your shoulders with the odd 'quick peck on the lips when appropriate' thrown in (!! it's never appropriate surely?!) - then yes he will look like an idiot in front of her boyfriend's parents, and she will be embarrassed.

I think she’s worried that we do speak with a northern accent and aren’t as posh as his family are...I also think that she’s concerned that it may come up in conversation that she is having to fund herself through uni as we can’t afford to help her financially

But she hasn't alluded to any of that, has she? She's been quite clear- she'd like you to not 'joke around' with these people that you've never met before (which sounds like it means possibly the odd ill-timed dig about her, the 'little girl' (boak), she'd like you to not act immaturely, especially PDAs - which everyone on here has pretty much said are always inappropriate. In short, she'd like you to come over well, and simply get to know them. She hasn't asked you to not mention money or speak nicely. So don't deflect it - don't do her down. Nothing you have actually said that she has said indicates that she is at all embarrassed about her background. Merely the way you behave. So once again, I would say don't get chippy, listen to her.

It sounds like her dad is on very thin ice.

Ellisandra · 11/06/2019 12:40

How old are the brothers and how much does your husband have to say about their sex life?

Don’t dress up him not wanting to sleep in the same bed ‘under his roof’ as him being “protective”.

Although I think it’s pointless not allowing them to, I do actually agree that the parents set the rules in their own home.

But let’s be honest - separate beds could be...

because he doesn’t lie the idea of them having sex
because he doesn’t mind them having sex but doesn’t want to hear it, or know it’s happening there and then
because he’s a dick who likes to throw his weight around
because he thinks he’s being proper

But it’s got fuck all to do with being “protective”.

Your daughter is nervous, wanting everyone to get on. It’s got sod all to do with class and student finance. If you all had exactly the same family background and jobs and finances, she’d STILL be worried you’d be embarrassing - because that’s what many children think of their parents.

Just let it go. Stop being offended by it. Stop making it about class when it isn’t. Just say “yes”, then turn up and behave appropriately. Which doesn’t mean snogging your husband’s face off over dinner!

crosstalk · 11/06/2019 12:44

OP I don't think your daughter's ashamed of you - just super nervous that everyone gets on. I think many DDs are highly sensitive to atmosphere and (too?) easily embarrassed and critical. You'll get on fine with her BF's DPs and she'll relax. I agree that PDAs are not appropriate for anyone when meeting other people for the first time but you know that anyway.

happybunny007 · 11/06/2019 12:44

I too think you're projecting with the class thing. I have a northern accent and my daughter sounds posh so I know it can feel odd.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 11/06/2019 12:53

Is your dd the one that’s embarrassed or are you? You seem to be projecting in your last post.

Just be yourself but on your best behaviour. Don’t show her up. She’s just nervous. I was the same when my parents first met dh’s parents. I wanted everything to go smoothly and everyone to get on. It was fine but I was so stressed the whole time!

Loopytiles · 11/06/2019 12:54

I think she and her boyfriend are unwise to be introducing the parents - not necessary or desirable for their age and stage of dating IMO!

The boyfriend sounds OTT towards you!

You’ve changed your line on what your DD is concerned about. If she’s concerned about your accents then she’s U, if she’s concerned about your H “being protective” and sexist, she’s not U.

Your H is being U and sexist to seek to police your DD’s sex life and treat her differently from your DSs.

Loopytiles · 11/06/2019 12:55

“Being protective” usually means “being sexist and having a problem with your DD becoming an adult”.

sergeilavrov · 11/06/2019 12:56

You sound like you're obsessed with hierarchy. Her feelings aren't invalid simply because you're older than her... she's expressed her wishes and you have a choice: go, and respect her enough to follow her instructions, or don't go. It sounds like she is very reasonable, I'm surprised she doesn't ask you to cease the PDA in general - she sounds very respectful of your own decisions, so the least you can do is be respectful of her at what is a stressful time.

I'm the 'posh' daughter of northern parents, and had similar concerns at school when they'd meet my teachers. I worked hard to fit in, and my parents understood that it was important - and were good enough to follow my requests. I hope you choose to do the same, or you'll harm that relationship. Oh, and there are plenty of affluent Northerners by the way... she just doesn't want to highlight difference at an event that's about being together.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 12:58

Oh and don't read too much into accents changing. Mine certainly did when I went to uni - certainly not consciously, some people seem to retain their 'home' accent and others pick up what's around them! My accent is a total mixture now, the result of living in many places and having a DH who isn't from the same part of the country as me.

Certainly after a year of uni, my accent wasn't a 'local home town' one to the same extent, any more.

happyhillock · 11/06/2019 13:04

I didn't meet my DD's boyfriend's parent's until the night they had there engagement party, why do you have to meet the parent's just now there only going out together they might not be next year.

HJWT · 11/06/2019 13:05

@SoupDragon why doesnt it make sense, he doesn't want his daughter having men sleep under his roof in his daughters bed. what does that have to do with the fact shes an adult at uni

Juniperjunojunijune · 11/06/2019 13:11

This is important to her. Just do what makes her happy.

Original poster

Jojobean80 · 11/06/2019 13:12

My husband treats the boys the same way and will not allow them to have gfs stay over either. My daughter has never told us how to behave before, she’s the sort of young woman who’s never had problem giving us a hug or kiss in front of her friends. With previous boyfriends she’s never given us a set of rules (none of our children have). I definitely do not have any insecurities other than our daughter behaving differently than ever before. I had a similar education to my daughter, except uni, I can sound middle class if I want to but if this relationship is serious then I don’t want to be fake. Her bf accepts me for who I am and I don’t understand why his parents wouldn’t be the same. After all, they raised the lovely man that my daughter is besotted with

OP posts:

PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 13:18

I definitely do not have any insecurities other than our daughter behaving differently than ever before.

She's growing up, OP -- living away from home and branching out away from her parents and into her adult identity. You aren't always going to recognise or approve who she is.

ThatCurlyGirl · 11/06/2019 13:20

I had a similar education to my daughter, except uni, I can sound middle class if I want to

This class thing has only been mentioned by you, not your DD or her partner - it sounds like a massive chip on your shoulder!

to but if this relationship is serious then I don’t want to be fake.

She isn't asking you to be fake. She didn't tell you to change your accent, she's just nervous and wants some reassurance you'll keep in mind what behaviour will make other people comfortable or awkward.

Her bf accepts me for who I am and I don’t understand why his parents wouldn’t be the same.

Neither do I - there's absolutely no indication they wouldn't accept you for who you are. Your DD is asking you to be a socially appropriate version of yourself in this first meeting. I say cunt when joking around with mates, but I wouldn't say it in front of a partners parents. That's not me denying who I am, it's normal social behaviour that reflects the evening is about everyone having a good, comfortable and not just you.

I'm sure you're lovely but you're overthinking and teetering on making the evening all about you.

NannyRed · 11/06/2019 13:21

Omg!
Your daughter is embarrassed by you.
Tell her, her opinions are
A. You pick her up and behave as normal or
B. She makes her own way home and you don’t meet her potential in laws.
It’s not up to the child to dictate to the parents how they behave!

SoupDragon · 11/06/2019 13:22

why doesnt it make sense

Because it isn't the 1950s.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 13:22

She hasn't given you a set of rules, she's asked you if you could tone down the PDAs in front of people she knows but you don't (so presumably she would know that you will look silly in front of them) and she has raised the fact that she has an issue with her father's attitude towards her.

the lovely man that my daughter is besotted with

you seem incredibly focused on the physical/romantic side of relationships

RomanyQueen · 11/06/2019 13:23

Is this a thing now, meeting bf/gf parents? I can understand it when they are seriously considering ltr and marriage.
I haven't met my ds2 future pil yet, they are planning their wedding
In this case I wouldn't want to be held responsible if they break up due to differences in family personalities.
Just make some excuse as to why you can't, then you can't get in trouble from dd.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5