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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Meeting daughters boyfriends parents

112 replies

Jojobean80 · 11/06/2019 10:40

We are collecting our daughter from uni this week and are going early to meet her boyfriends parents. They are middle class whilst we are from a working class background. We are much younger than them, we often show each other affection in public and like to joke around. Our dd has given us a list of rules about how we must behave because she really likes this boy. We’re not allowed to behave silly and definitely are not allowed to show pda. Am I being unreasonable by telling her that we’re the parents and we will just behave as we normally do?

OP posts:

HomeMadeMadness · 11/06/2019 11:46

I wouldn't pretend to be middle class but since you'll presumably only be meeting them for a short period of time surely you can tone down the PDA and don't be excessively jokey while you meet them for the first time.

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/06/2019 11:48

I don't know OP it sounds like your DD is paranoid about the class difference basically, which if true is a bit of a shame. She doesn't actually need to impress them as it's her boyfriend she's dating, not them. If they're decent people then I can't think they'd care much about what you're doing and saying so long as you're polite and make the effort. If they aren't then that is their issue. I shouldn't imagine the success of their relationship is going to swing on it- unless you are in the same locality realistically you'll rarely meet.

I'd reassure her you don't plan to deliberately do anything other than get to know them as you normally would and gently explain the above- she isn't on trial by virtue of her class, and you are not the one that needs to do the impressing by virtue of yours relative to theirs. It's just a meetup!

twattymctwatterson · 11/06/2019 11:51

Op I'm as working class as they come and I find PDAs tacky and inappropriate

Whoops75 · 11/06/2019 11:53

Is she worried about her dad being like a neanderthal man?

Is he the type to say ‘he’ll kill any fella who hurts his little girl’ etc

Have a quiet word with him about her concerns, it’s awful she is so stressed.

FermatsTheorem · 11/06/2019 11:56

Hand hold, OP. I think there are posters here who don't really get just how pernicious the class system can be.

I think the "view it like a job interview" advice is quite good - just be a bit more reticent until you've got the measure of them as people. They may turn out to be lovely, and your daughter's fears may be unfounded. Or they may turn out to be horrendous snobs (an unlikely outcome, I think), in which case as parents I guess you step back, stay on your best behaviour for your daughter's sake, and be there to pick up the pieces when it goes wrong.

(Full disclosure: like anyone posting on mumsnet I may be guilty of projecting from my own personal experience. One of many reasons, decades ago, I broke up with my first serious boyfriend was his being totally oblivious to how difficult the difference in income between our two families was - the constant feeling of being viewed as a cheapskate, or having one's family viewed as cheapskates, when actually there simply wasn't the disposable income there to behave otherwise. Ultimately I couldn't face the thought of my parents being made to feel like the poor relations at their own daughter's wedding. Class matters in ways people who've always been comfortably off and secure in their own status don't even begin to realise, I think.)

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 11/06/2019 11:58

Who do you have to meet?

Genuine question.

RaffertyFair · 11/06/2019 11:59

From what you've written OP, your dd hasn't made reference to anything that is related to class.
She wants this meeting to go well and us saying "don't be embarrassing"

You have put the "class" slant on it, not her.

Original poster

Jojobean80 · 11/06/2019 11:59

@PhossyJaw our daughter speaks correct English with no trace of her northern accent and fits in very well with her boyfriends family. I think she’s worried that we do speak with a northern accent and aren’t as posh as his family are. My husband and I are both intelligent but we’re not prepared to spend the evening trying to sound like they do. I also think that she’s concerned that it may come up in conversation that she is having to fund herself through uni as we can’t afford to help her financially, whereas her bfs parents transfer him a couple of grand every month or two

OP posts:

hettie · 11/06/2019 11:59

Is this to do with class or emotional intelligence? If you are trying to be accommodating (to your daughter and her BF parents) then the emotionally intelligent thing to do would be to see things from another's perspective and moderate your behavior so that the other person feels comfortable.... Would you be liberally saying 'for Gods sake' or 'Christ almighty' if you knew they were Christians? Likewise, I would hope that the other (MC) parents aren't going to bang on about opera, private schools, waitrose and skiing (if that might make you uncomfortable). Just knock off the snogging and shrieking and you'll be fine

wildcherries · 11/06/2019 12:00

Yes, you would be. Having a list is a bit much, but you should listen to her. I'm with her on the PDA.

Just don't embarrass her. She's nervous enough.

RaffertyFair · 11/06/2019 12:03

Jojobean80 your second post is very different from your first. You sound lovely, but also very insecure.

I dont know if it helps, but in my experience most children are in some way anxious about situations like this

PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 12:04

I think she’s worried that we do speak with a northern accent and aren’t as posh as his family are. My husband and I are both intelligent but we’re not prepared to spend the evening trying to sound like they do.

But she hasn't asked you to speak fake RP for the duration of the evening, only to tone down the PDAs and 'joking around'!

Whoops75 · 11/06/2019 12:05

My parents didn’t meet in-laws for ages, why do ye need to meet?

twattymctwatterson · 11/06/2019 12:06

It sounds like YOU are the one worried about class

Rezie · 11/06/2019 12:06

Who hasn't given their parentssoem type of list what to not say or do when meeting new friend/boyfriend.

It's a big deal for her and she wants everything to go well. I doubt there is other embarrassment.

Idontwanttotalk · 11/06/2019 12:07

"We’re not allowed to behave silly and definitely are not allowed to show pda."
Why would you even want to behave this way when DD introduces you to people who could possibly be her in-laws one day? I wonder what your idea of behaving silly and pda encompasses.

For your DD to even give you rules about your behaviour it shows that she must find your behaviour embarrassing. I know there are jokes about that being a parent's job but just her saying this would make me think about whether my behaviour is acceptable in general.

It has nothing to do with being working class. Just because someone is working class doesn't mean they don't know how to behave. It is actually just about your behaviour specifically.

If you think she is more concerned about your DH's behaviour then please speak to him and get him on board so that your DD is not embarrassed.

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/06/2019 12:08

This does sound a lot like your insecurity rather than actual evidence of some slight.

Honestly, if they're worth their salt you're not going to feel like there's any gulf between you.

But I agree, why do you need to meet? Who proposed it?

KatnissMellark · 11/06/2019 12:08

@Jojobean you sound like you've got a massive chip on your shoulder. Yes she is over sensitive and easily embarrassed but that's what late teens early twenties are like. Try to support her by rolling back the PDAs and silliness for one night. Over time she'll relax and probably laugh about this nervousness, by honestly silliness and OTT PDAs sound pretty embarrassing whatever age you are.

Imagine being single and bringing a new bloke home- you ask DD not to leave her dirty knickers in the hallway and generally behave- it wouldn't be unreasonable to request that and shouldn't compromise her sense of self, and you'd be pretty unimpressed if she said no as she didn't want to pretend to be someone else.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/06/2019 12:09

No need for PDA's in this situation, IMO, not the time or the place

But other than that, just be yourself but maybe slightly on best-behaviour, for the sake of your DD. Same as his parents will be, no doubt!

I was so nervous when my parents met (very posh) ILs. Both sides made an effort, so it went well.

Reassure your DD, but obviously the list of behaviour is ridiculous, but leave that for now, you can laugh about that later

IceQueenCometh · 11/06/2019 12:10

I don't even know where to start here.

First of all, put your DD ahead of yourselves and do what she asks without question. Can't be that hard can it? There must be hundreds of other situations where PDA and acting silly is inappropriate, make this one of them. Honestly I'm amazed you even have to ask the question, the answer is that obvious.

Second, if one of DD's three brothers wanted to bring a girl home for a sleepover, would that be ok? Respect her as tghe intelligent adult that she is and recognise that she's sleeping with him at Uni. Don't push her away.

Don't be prejudiced about these people before you have even met them. I'm from a northern working class family. I ditched my northern accent and supported myself through university. I had an overbearing, victorian, controlling father. I got a top job and my DS went to private school, and now he's at one of our top universities. I saved from the day he was born and he doesn't have to pay for himself. I may have grown up in the street next to yours. Don't judge a book by its cover.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/06/2019 12:11

and FWIW OP, a Northern accent is as correct an accent as any, nothing wrong with it, why do you think that?

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/06/2019 12:12

They're not going to be scandalised that you don't send your daughter thousands of pounds. They might be a bit embarrassed of how much money they send their son. In any case it would be weird if this subject came up at all.

saraclara · 11/06/2019 12:15

She will grow up at some point and realise that a northern accent, and paying one's own way aren't something to be embarrassed about. And while reassuring her that you'll not let her down, I think it's okay to point out to her that reading that list was very difficult for you.

CitadelsofScience · 11/06/2019 12:16

I also think that she’s concerned that it may come up in conversation that she is having to fund herself through uni as we can’t afford to help her financially, whereas her bfs parents transfer him a couple of grand every month or two

I really wouldn't worry about this Op, we help our daughter because we can but we'd never look down our noses at anyone who couldn't. And if they are decent people then they won't care either. If they do put on airs and graces or make a big deal about how much they help, then you're under no obligation to see them again/regularly.

Fermats is right, class is still very much a part of daily life and it tends to be the people who've never had to struggle that don't believe it's an issue. I had a very mc upbringing but my parents were of the view that I had to be financially responsible for myself. So much so that I've been on the bones of my arse and they haven't stepped in to help. Class is still alive and well in modern day uk.

Fibbke · 11/06/2019 12:16

What do you mean fund herself through uni?

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