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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Refusal

116 replies

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 17:34

My dd is 14 and in year 9,just a bit of background quickly.She has been diagnosed with asd anxiety OCD anorexia and many others though these are the most prominent.She has been bullied in primary and secondary school though she got beaten up in her old secondary and was forced to move and in my head this is where her anorexia started.Shes been at a different secondary school for 3 years now and has been bullied quite a bit at her new one aswell (pushed into main roads and had logs thrown at her on the way back from school) it has now been sorted now though and now has many friends, and is liked by everyone ,quite popular but still her lovely genuine self.

Her anxiety is at an all time high she's experienced panic attacks and fainting from anxiety for the last 5 years and it sometimes gets better and sometimes worse .

Since the start of the new term it's sky rocketed though.Last week all she did is cry have panic attacks and run away from school.Today she announced she was never going back to school (she tends to get herself into a rut so we have to take this seriously).We had the screaming the crying the lashing out the refusing to get dressed.I couldn't see it was a melt down at the time and just saw it as bad behaviour.Me and DH carried her into the car in pjs thinking that she'd calm down once we got near to school.(We where so wrong).It was at the service station that we actually realised how much of a melt down she was having. She jumped out the car and tried to run across a motorway,we luckily managed to restrain her she was still yelling and crying.Once we got to school she actually wet herself mid meltdown and just screamed and screamed.We went into school to talk to the senco to see what they wanted us to do for the rest of the week they said to try again tomorrow but I don't think that's fair on my dd or us.We have a peadiatrition appointment on Friday so we'll see what they say.

When we got home she had a bath and has now stopped talking completely she won't eat or drink (always a bad sign)she's stayed in the airing cupboard since we got home so 7 hours.Any advice at all or just a hand hold I know we shouldn't have pushed her that far but it's grammar and unless they see proof of how differcult it is they start threatening fines.

Ik I was being unreasonable but any suggestions are needed and welcome.

OP posts:
MrsMump · 10/06/2019 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LJdorothy · 10/06/2019 17:47

I feel for all of you, as that's a horrible situation. You know you didn't handle things well today and that's always a grim feeling. I think trying again tomorrow is a daft idea from the SENCO, particularly when she is still so wound up. There's no way the school will fine you surely if you've got the SENCO and a doctor involved? The teachers can't teach a child in such a distressed state anyway so there's no point in you dragging her there again until a better strategy is agreed.

NoBaggyPants · 10/06/2019 17:56

Your daughter is going to be exhausted after a meltdown that you made so much worse. What she needs now is reassurance that she is safe and that you're not going to chuck her into such a distressing situation again.

Talk to the paediatrician about what happens next. It sounds like you need some support in understanding how to manage ASD.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:02

Attendance is a big issue at her school so it's hard to get sympathy from the school 🙄it's not the schools choice to fine it's the government and as her attendance is 60% we keep getting letters.Me and DH also think it's a daft idea and have called the school to say she won't be in till Monday at the earliest.Ive also sent an email to set up a meeting with the asd outreach team person,camhs and the senco because I'm not really convinced she should be in school at all.Thank you for not murdering in the comments ,I've spent an hour or two looking at my priorities when it comes to my dd2 today ❤

OP posts:
Thatnovembernight · 10/06/2019 18:09

I’m pretty sure that mental health problems can be used as the reason for an absence. If she’s having panic attacks etc then she is genuinely ill and can’t be expected to go in. If they say otherwise then make an appointment with your GP to get a note. It sounds a really hard situation - I hope you can get some help.

Lazybonita · 10/06/2019 18:10

I’m so sorry, that must have been awful for you all. I do feel terrible for your daughter though, please don’t even think about taking her in tomorrow. If I were you I would sincerely apologise for manhandling her in that way and puting her in that position, I know you meant well but it was not right. Try and gain her trust by promising to try and understand and be on her side. Fuck attendance some things are so much more important. Very best of luck to you.

actiongirl1978 · 10/06/2019 18:13

OP you have my sympathies. I had a phase of carrying a 9 year old to the car each day screaming and being sick. I beat myself up each day about whether I'd handled it right so I can't imagine how you and DD feel.

Please give yourself permission to have a good sob in private, then take a deep breath and tell yourself there will be some calm on the other side of this crisis.

Soontobe60 · 10/06/2019 18:16

OP, what is she like on days when there is no school? Is school her trigger? Unfortunately schools are not very well prepared for such extreme behaviours. It may be time to review whether she attends school or not. Have you thought about home schooling?

LittleSwede · 10/06/2019 18:18

Anxiety is an illness too, so technically she is off school with an illness, not just school refusing. I wouldn't worry about what school says it does reg her absence but focus on her mental health and wellbeing for the next few days. And look after yourself too.

There are lots of supportive people over on the SN boards and you could also look at the home ed boards for parents in similar situations.

Soontobe60 · 10/06/2019 18:20

I would also contact social services for some early help support. In my LA, we have an early help team that really support families like yours, acting as advocates at meetings when parents may struggle to get the support from professionals.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:22

Yeah I have but she's still not come out of the airing cupboard (I'm now concerned about dehydration).She's definitely not going to school tomarrow or the rest of the week and I've decided I'm going to take her to the beach or anywhere else she wants to go.Im so glad me and DH work from home so have this flexibility.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 18:22

I wouldn’t send her to school at all. I would take her out and inform the school I was home educating.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:29

Yes we are thinking about home schooling it's becoming more apparent that she's just not made for school life.We have got a social worker atm though according to her we don't need/qualify for any help.Thank you I'll have a look over there.Shes fine at home a happy, friendly child but she puts so much effort into trying to be normal at school she has a melt down as soon as she comes home.

OP posts:
TeddiesAreEverywhere · 10/06/2019 18:29

My son was (is?) a school refuser. He’s 14 with asd, anxiety and ocd. I removed him from school 3 years ago as neither of us could take any more. Looking back I feel awful at the times I tried to force him to school and knowing how genuinely ill he was getting with the anxiety. Since home educating his anxiety is massively reduced. Would home education be an option? Or maybe speak with the school and see if half days could work for a while? My sons last few months at school where on a very reduced timetable.

I really feel for you and your daughter, it’s such a difficult thing to deal with. My son was at an SN school and towards the end they even said they didn’t know how to help him.

Thesuniscoming · 10/06/2019 18:30

Okay op if you deregister her from school, you can't be taken to court for non attendance.

If you already receiving letters, you need to reply to the letters stating the medical reasons why she isn't in school, and keep them informed.

Please make sure you file away all her medical records, copies of emails and letters to and from the authority, and your doctors notes. I would take steps to ensure the doctor is also on board and writes to the local authority. You don't need the added stress of worrying about non attendance charge.

TheCaddyisaBaddie · 10/06/2019 18:31

Does she have an EHCP? If there is anything written in that in relation to reduced attendance then that might help with threat of fines.

CarolDanvers · 10/06/2019 18:32

I wouldn’t send her to school at all. I would take her out and inform the school I was home educating.

This.

Thesuniscoming · 10/06/2019 18:33

Shes fine at home a happy, friendly child That says it all. That one line.

You may just get your happy friendly child back if she is schooled in a friendly safe environment. The school have failed her in such a big way, but you can turn this around for her.

Things have come to a head, now you need to be much more radical with the solution. Dragging her in, meltdowns, not eating or drinking or even talking is rock bottom op.

PotteringAlong · 10/06/2019 18:34

If she’s refusing to come out of the airing cupboard I’d call 111 and ask for a referral to a mental health crisis team, not least because if she’s attempted to run across a motorway that’s a suicide attempt and I think to treat it as anything less serious would be foolhardy.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:34

She's on a reduced time table atm but only missing history and pe(netheir of which are a problemConfusedHmm).We are thinking about home schooling,we both work from home (which we are extremely grateful for)So it could be viable.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 18:35

Oh god, do it. She will be safe and happy.

Thesuniscoming · 10/06/2019 18:35

You have the answer right there.

She could have been killed today, I would also take this very seriously, and there is no way in the world my dd would be going back again.

CarolDanvers · 10/06/2019 18:36

I think this child will be absolutely fine if she is told she doesn't need to return to school pottering.

janetforpresident · 10/06/2019 18:36

I have no experience of home schooling but if my daughter was going through this I am certain that's what we would do. Even if we had to move to a smaller house or take out a massive loan. It's 2 years until her GCSEs so not a great deal of time in the scheme of things.

Obviously I accept it's not possible in all circumstances

ShaggyRug · 10/06/2019 18:36

Homeschool her please.

You don’t need to do much either to allow her time for her mental health to heal.

There’s always time for learning when she’s older and feeling more stable. Be that education continuing at home or elsewhere.