School Refusal

[Spooksandchocolatecake]

My dd is 14 and in year 9,just a bit of background quickly.She has been diagnosed with asd anxiety OCD anorexia and many others though these are the most prominent.She has been bullied in primary and secondary school though she got beaten up in her old secondary and was forced to move and in my head this is where her anorexia started.Shes been at a different secondary school for 3 years now and has been bullied quite a bit at her new one aswell (pushed into main roads and had logs thrown at her on the way back from school) it has now been sorted now though and now has many friends, and is liked by everyone ,quite popular but still her lovely genuine self.

Her anxiety is at an all time high she's experienced panic attacks and fainting from anxiety for the last 5 years and it sometimes gets better and sometimes worse .

Since the start of the new term it's sky rocketed though.Last week all she did is cry have panic attacks and run away from school.Today she announced she was never going back to school (she tends to get herself into a rut so we have to take this seriously).We had the screaming the crying the lashing out the refusing to get dressed.I couldn't see it was a melt down at the time and just saw it as bad behaviour.Me and DH carried her into the car in pjs thinking that she'd calm down once we got near to school.(We where so wrong).It was at the service station that we actually realised how much of a melt down she was having. She jumped out the car and tried to run across a motorway,we luckily managed to restrain her she was still yelling and crying.Once we got to school she actually wet herself mid meltdown and just screamed and screamed.We went into school to talk to the senco to see what they wanted us to do for the rest of the week they said to try again tomorrow but I don't think that's fair on my dd or us.We have a peadiatrition appointment on Friday so we'll see what they say.

When we got home she had a bath and has now stopped talking completely she won't eat or drink (always a bad sign)she's stayed in the airing cupboard since we got home so 7 hours.Any advice at all or just a hand hold I know we shouldn't have pushed her that far but it's grammar and unless they see proof of how differcult it is they start threatening fines.

Ik I was being unreasonable but any suggestions are needed and welcome.

Crisis not crusts obviously!

You wonder how many more children have to suffer for the sake of compliance to a system that does nothing for them. With all the money there is in education and especially SEN schools can we really not come up with a better solution to stop this suffering. And for the system to take responsibility for all children not just the trouble free ones.

she's out of the cupboard now,she fainted so we had to pull her out and force down water.We put her into bed,she used to have selective mutism so I can't tell whether she's choosing not to talk or not but we've aloud Phil(the family dog)to come into her bedroom so she's snuggling up with him

You need an emergency appointment with camhs ASAP.
They need to sign her of on long term sick
.if you can’t get an emergency camhs appointment,get an emergency doctors appointment.explain what you have told us.a good gp will sign her off sick immediately.keep seeing gps untill one signs her off.you will get hospital school ,tutors in your home.but you need to push for it.
I have experience of this with both my sons .dont whatever you do send her back to school.email in every day saying she is too anxious to come.

OP please consider asking for advice on the SN boards, there's too much on here that only applies to NT kids.

I am so sorry for your daughter, she needs to heal in her own time away from school.

Please make sure someone stays with her when you meet the SENCO and that she understands she will not be going to that meeting.

for her.

And before any educators get on here with “there’s no money” there is money to fund SEN kids into “specialist” schools that do no more than any other school to support ASD yet charge upwards of 130,000 per year for delivering zero outcomes for children.

I really feel for you. Experienced similar with DS (14) over the last year although no where near the severity of your DD.

Random school refusing st least once a week. Crying shaking shouting. Bribed, threats Made no difference, even dragged him out to car (upsetting for me as it was for him). Went hand in hand with stress related IBS.

He was referred to a clinical psych for the anxiety/IBS where it was established that school was the main trigger. Lots of friends and a popular boy, just couldn't cope with large classes with often misbehaving, disruptive children.

Really difficult decision but We have just moved him to a different school where we are hoping he will be happier and less anxious.

No easy answers at all

A hand hold from me OP

OP I 'refused' school for over a year at 14/15. I had mental health issues that were poorly dealt with and have stayed with me for decades. My parents weren't negligent, but really did not know what to do. Some of their choices actively made the situation worse. I love them to bits. One school was shockingly shit, another one fantastic. Life's pretty good these days. I'm 35.

You sound like a clued up, empathic, available parent. I know from my parents that it's gut wrenchingly awful to be in this situation.

Give her time. Concentrate on her health and happiness. You know best what that means. Education is so important but it can be taken up again in 3 months, a year, a decade. Robust mental health and her relationship with you at this crucial time in her life cannot be picked up and put down.

Find support for you. Find a charity with an education rights remit. Call the shots with school or take her out entirely for now.

Good luck to you all. Feel free to PM if you think it would be useful.

No advice sorry but didn't want to read and leave. I truly do feel for you and husband and especially your dd. I hope the school don't do anything ridiculous like fine you, very heartless. Best of luck getting the support she needs.

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/257745 Please all consider signing and sharing. My daughter is autistic, 15 and a school refuser because of past experience within an academy.

I would be in touch with the GP tomorrow to get the breakdown on record and request a review of the EHCP too. Plainly today was a total mess of a day but if she's that stressed about school then the placement is in crisis. Could you push for an Internet school such as Interhigh to be paid for under the EHCP?

as a parent who has just come out of the other end of a breakdown i suggest you get her out tomorrow and home educate(home schooling is different than home education),its just a letter or email but people suggest both and thats all thats needed she dont have to go back again.

i dont want to worry or panic you but she seems on the verge of a nervous breakdown or defo showing first signs

mine had one in y5 at 10 and it took 3 and half years to recover,he became agoraphobic too.no help was given by anyone professional either

he has numerous disabilities that school didn't understand

when i told him he was never going back he broke down and said he was on the verge of a overdose,he was blooming 10

take her out legally by home education and let her recover

im very experienced with home education,disabilities and dealing with a breakdown so if you need to talk or advise feel free to message me

I home educate my kids and like many that is my gut reaction.
However, do not remove her unless you are certain that you want to take on the responsibility and costs. That said don't send her back to school at the moment, you need to seek urgent crisis care support - go to GP if you haven't got a contact at Camhs, she needs to be off school ill. If you have support of the medical side then you can buy some time to concentrate on her mental health, rebuilding trust and working through options. While she remains registered they are legally responsible for her education, so if she is deemed unable to attend on health grounds you can push for EOTAS (education otherwise than at school) which is not a lot -5 hours of home tuition a week seems usual or some leas cover online schooling - but is something.

What a really difficult situation for you. I can only imagine how stressed you and she feel. My Ds is 15 and currently being assessed for ASD. He absolutely hates school but at the moment is not a school refuser. We have said that school has just not worked for him. One of his teachers said that he would probably flourish in the right environment. But what is the right environment? Secondary schools just don't seem to be the right places for young people with ASD. He's not even on the sen register so support is limited.

I really hope you all manage to get through this crisis and find a solution that works for her.

I think you probably ought to push for an urgent referral to CAMHS - my sis is a mental health nurse at CAMHS specialising I'm eating disorders, the work they do is amazing.

How is she this morning op? Did she sleep?

I think that school, schooling, education needs to be taken out of the equation until her mental health is much better. We would not expect an adult to work whilst having a serious mental health crisis and yet we're expecting children, who do not have the capacity adults do, to carry on in school/education whilst doing the same! Bonkers!! FWIW I have lots of experience of school refusal have one home educated teenager due to it and a Dd with hfASD who has been through it and still struggles but is currently in school. I lost my DSIS to long term mental illness (psychoid depression and other things). Without mental wellness a person has nothing.

@Thesuniscoming she conked herself out and got 10 hours sleep!.It's quite a miracle for her so I'm hoping she feels better for it.Shes still not talking much but has asked to use the sofa for a Harry Potter marathon (popcorn is in the microwave as I type this).She wants to go for a walk along the beach to look at rock pools later even though it's tipping down here.

Oh op hand hold for you and your daughter, it's awful seeing them distressed isn't it? I have school refusal at least three mornings a week from my dc and it goes against every motherly instinct in my body having to practically carry them through that door. Asd also and struggles massively in mainstream but can't get the school to back me with referral for a smaller unit. I hope your daughters feeling stronger this morning. Enjoy your stroll on the beach, sometimes a day in a quiet place is needed for all to regroup outer thoughts xx

I've been exactly where you are except we tried to force our DD1 onto the school bus.

Your DD has a right to an education that meets her needs. Home schooling isn't the right solution for everyone. There is school provision for pupils with ASD, anxiety and MH issues.

Start investigating the options, including residential. I was forced to consider residential and it turned out to be a great experience for DD2 when she was 13.

You will no doubt have to go to tribunal to get the right school named on her plan but it will be worth it.

Join not fine in school as suggested above and also educational equality on Facebook. If you can't find it, pm me.

Your priority now is building your relationship and her self-esteem. Find activities she enjoys and be there to listen when she's ready. I have found it very hard to forgive myself for trying to manhandle DD1 onto a school bus but she has forgiven me. Try to be kind to yourself.

Make sure your DD knows you are now firmly on her team.

A PRU is unlikely to be appropriate but your county should have a medical education team/hospital school service she can be referred to after 15 days absence. They usually offer home tutoring or small group teaching of core subjects and a small, nurturing setting that caters for children who are unwell for various reasons. This provision should be available while options for school placement are explored.

If you take her off role, her right to provision that meets her needs is lost, but I think you already know that.

You're doing a good job. Now carry on and don't worry for one second about being 'that parent'. If you don't think something will work for your DD, say so. Don't allow anyone to set her up to fail just to give 5em evidence. Every failure is harmful.

Good luck and feel free to pm me if you think it might help.

Hold on in there op. She is out of the cupboard, she is eating popcorn and she is speaking a little.That is progress. Keep going!

A beach walk will be great for her MH and looking at rock pools even in the rain will be a form of therapy. Let her talk to you about how she feels she can be happy again, what would make a difference to her.

It is no coincidence that she is opening up again now she feels safe. Keep her feeling safe. Lots of blankets, cuddles, arm in arm walks. You are doing a great job. Yesterday must have been harrowing.

Hi op

Im going through similar with sdd, bo asd (my son has it though) shes refused school for 2 years. With tired a slow re introduction to school many times. Home education etc. She is with cahms. The only thing that worked is hospital education she had it in the past qnd we are going down that route again now. A tutor comes to yoir home to provide the core subjects, i would strongly push for this with school and gp. Its really hard xxxx

@tinkpenguin is there any more information on what these isolation booths are? Sorry for being confused but quiet spaces and the ability to voluntarily be on your own is good, so the issue is the mis-use because of forcing them into them? Might be worth posting the petition more generally too.

My DD is in primary and a school refuser, running off at the end or start of difficult days - the school would distinctly love to see the back of us, I'm sure but I'm not moving her until I've established what would help and we're still in the early stages of that as things move so glacially with SEN/MH assessments.

Just jumping on this thread Op so I can follow the advice. We are in exactly the same situation as you are. CAMHS won't do an urgent appointment because it's not severe enough despite it being a massive safeguarding risk with what mine is up to.