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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Refusal

116 replies

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 17:34

My dd is 14 and in year 9,just a bit of background quickly.She has been diagnosed with asd anxiety OCD anorexia and many others though these are the most prominent.She has been bullied in primary and secondary school though she got beaten up in her old secondary and was forced to move and in my head this is where her anorexia started.Shes been at a different secondary school for 3 years now and has been bullied quite a bit at her new one aswell (pushed into main roads and had logs thrown at her on the way back from school) it has now been sorted now though and now has many friends, and is liked by everyone ,quite popular but still her lovely genuine self.

Her anxiety is at an all time high she's experienced panic attacks and fainting from anxiety for the last 5 years and it sometimes gets better and sometimes worse .

Since the start of the new term it's sky rocketed though.Last week all she did is cry have panic attacks and run away from school.Today she announced she was never going back to school (she tends to get herself into a rut so we have to take this seriously).We had the screaming the crying the lashing out the refusing to get dressed.I couldn't see it was a melt down at the time and just saw it as bad behaviour.Me and DH carried her into the car in pjs thinking that she'd calm down once we got near to school.(We where so wrong).It was at the service station that we actually realised how much of a melt down she was having. She jumped out the car and tried to run across a motorway,we luckily managed to restrain her she was still yelling and crying.Once we got to school she actually wet herself mid meltdown and just screamed and screamed.We went into school to talk to the senco to see what they wanted us to do for the rest of the week they said to try again tomorrow but I don't think that's fair on my dd or us.We have a peadiatrition appointment on Friday so we'll see what they say.

When we got home she had a bath and has now stopped talking completely she won't eat or drink (always a bad sign)she's stayed in the airing cupboard since we got home so 7 hours.Any advice at all or just a hand hold I know we shouldn't have pushed her that far but it's grammar and unless they see proof of how differcult it is they start threatening fines.

Ik I was being unreasonable but any suggestions are needed and welcome.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 10/06/2019 19:42

I think you need urgent professional advice, given the level of distress and risky behaviour your dd has displayed today. Give the duty worker a call asap. If your dd's condition continues to deteriorate then take her to a&e for urgent psychiatric evaluation.

Tableclothing · 10/06/2019 19:43

You can worry about education later in the week, right now the focus needs to be on your dd's emotional wellbeing.

Pringlefan · 10/06/2019 19:55

Ask the school to refer to an educational psychologist.

TheCaddyisaBaddie · 10/06/2019 20:04

Ok as she has an EHCP ask the school to either hold an Annual Review or interim review asap. Ask for SEN Casework officer to attend, this will help to access sen school if appropriate.

As part of an Annusl Review you can request updated input from educational psychologists, SaLT, OTs etc. All of their reports will help to identify needs and provision needed to address them

dreichuplands · 10/06/2019 20:12

I have worked with bright dc who have been excused school by CAMHS and have them gone on to successfully attend a pru due to their emotional difficulties. It can happen and it can work. It wasn't a full school timetable but they found it supportive and helpful.

Soontobe60 · 10/06/2019 20:13

Your DD is trying to be in control of things, and her actions are a way of ensuring she gets that control, regardless of the cause. I think that taking her out to the beach or some other such nice activity is absolutely the wrong thing to do as it will just reinforce her belief that when things are getting too difficult for her she can get what she wants by taking the risks she did today such as running near a motorway.
I don't think for one minute that she should be punished, but neither do I think she should be 'rewarded'. If she were to be placed in a PRU, she would be expected to be cooperative, make appropriate choices regarding her behaviours and responses to stress, in other words, develop her resilience so that she is able to function well in society.
She needs to know that what you as parents did was not appropriate in trying to force her into school, but also that what she did was not acceptable. When a child is showing signs of anxiety, especially if they have a mental health diagnosis, parents tend to tiptoe around them for fear of setting them off into a crisis. That's absolutely natural. But it's not helpful.
Tomorrow, you should sit down with her and first apologise for what you did and explain why you thought it was the right thing at the time. You also need to talk about what she did and why that was not the right thing to do. She's old enough to have a valid opinion on what she thinks a solution might be for her future education, but again don't promise anything that you might not be able to deliver on.

RubberTreePlant · 10/06/2019 20:13

I think you need urgent professional advice, given the level of distress and risky behaviour your dd has displayed today. Give the duty worker a call asap. If your dd's condition continues to deteriorate then take her to a&e for urgent psychiatric evaluation.

She was that distressed because despite the fact that she has HFA, has sensory issues, is phobic about school, and needed help, she was nevertheless dragged into a vehicle and driven towards the school in her nightclothes by adults who lost control of themselves.

She's traumatised, frightened and humiliated by events, not spontaneously psychiatrically ill.

imip · 10/06/2019 20:20

Also recommending Not Fine in School in FB or the web. It’s full of great info. There are online schools like inter high and Redballoon. But you’ll need to get to grips with all the finer details NFIS provides.

And 💐. It is very very difficult ‘managing’ these situations. I’ve had smaller scale incidents of school refusal with my ASD Y6 DD and am fearful of things escalating in secondary.

TowandaForever · 10/06/2019 20:23

My child has the same diagnosis and experience.

They were signed off as unfit for school and had tuition from the lea at home. They got all a star at gcse.

If you want to pm me feel free.

endlesslyrepeating · 10/06/2019 20:23

Nevertheless they do need urgent professional advice as the school situation has deteriorated again and the anxiety has gone out of control.

The advice to get your child to school ‘whatever it takes’ is constantly trotted out, and parents do sometimes misread the level of anxiety.

Tableclothing · 10/06/2019 20:26

She's traumatised, frightened and humiliated by events, not spontaneously psychiatrically ill.

OP's first post states that the girl has long standing anxiety, OCD and anorexia, alongside the ASD. She has serious and complex mental health needs. She has recently been traumatised and has displayed risky behaviour. She needs to be reviewed by the professionals working with her, in order to keep her safe.

RubberTreePlant · 10/06/2019 20:29

Okay, so some of the bullies went to Leeds, but if you sit back when things are a bit calmer OP, you'll see how glib "Shes been at a different secondary school for 3 years now and has been bullied quite a bit at her new one aswell (pushed into main roads and had logs thrown at her on the way back from school) it has now been sorted now though and now has many friends, and is liked by everyone ,quite popular but still her lovely genuine self.
" really is.

If everything was that rosy, she wouldn't be having panic attacks about school.

I do know what it's like when you're trying to keep a bright aspie DC in mainstream, trying to think positive and so on, but i think the positive thinking has got a bit out of hand.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 20:35

@Soontobe60 You clearly have never worked with children with autism. She didn't choose to run towards the motorway she didn't choose to have a meltdown she had a meltdown because we(Her parents)thought she was having a tantrum and acted in foolish and irresponsible way,I don't think you can imagine any 14 year old child who is in control of themselves running into a motorway,soilling themselves .My daughter is still in great distress over what happened this morning and probably will be for quite a while. If she was to be placed in a PRU they would expect her to conduct herself to the best of her ability. She's not had a meltdown like this in two years.I want to make it clear that none of this was her fault.

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 10/06/2019 20:40

OP's first post states that the girl has long standing anxiety, OCD and anorexia, alongside the ASD. She has serious and complex mental health needs. She has recently been traumatised and has displayed risky behaviour. She needs to be reviewed by the professionals working with her, in order to keep her safe.

Yes, and that's all pretty standard profile for a teen with school phobia.

The point is that she didn't spontaneously run onto a motorway. The whole crisis was escalated because the parents did something silly. Which OP said herself in the OP.

If you wrestle any teenager out of the house in their pyjamas, it will cause a reaction. If you force an aspie into a situation they're scared of, they will panic and often try to run. If you try to tackle school phobia with physical force, it will make things worse.

Pathologising the DC further because they responded to today's events won't help.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 20:44

@RubberTreePlant Hmm your completely right of course but it's got nothing to do with friendships. I've checked her phone, emailed her parents to ask if anything's happened...nothing. I think she's spent to much time being someone else and has finally exhausted herself.

OP posts:
TheCaddyisaBaddie · 10/06/2019 20:45

Also ask your LA about complementary education - usually reduced timetable, smaller provision and possibly tutors at home.

Tableclothing · 10/06/2019 20:47

I'm advising that they get the poor girl some professional support, that is all.

Advising OP not to seek support asap is irresponsible.

RubberTreePlant · 10/06/2019 20:51

That makes sense.

You sound a lot my DH did when similar was happening in this house. Like you're trying to square the circle. You'll feel a lot better once you say to the school "This isn't about attendance. This is medical/ a MH crisis".

It's good that you already have an appointment for Friday. You need medical professionals backing you up.

RubberTreePlant · 10/06/2019 20:53

Advising OP not to seek support asap is irresponsible.

Go away. I said she doesn't need a psychiatric evaluation at A&E (your bright idea). I didn't say she doesn't need support.

I hope you don't have DC with autism.

Xmas2020 · 10/06/2019 20:56

I think she needs urgent intervention from The Crisis Team, she ran out across a motorway, this needs sorting tonight.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 21:04

@Xmas2020 she does something called 'bolting' when put under to much pressure ,she becomes very tunnel visioned and doesn't see any dangers and doesn't have ANY control of herself,which is why she wet herself.

OP posts:
OhForkItThen · 10/06/2019 21:12

Just a virtual hug here, sounds like a nightmare. There’s no easy solution, my best advice is do nothing until the weekend (unless she wants to go to a place that relaxes her) and start thinking/ talking afresh at the weekend. You’ll all be in no place right now to do anything constructive or solution focus x

OhForkItThen · 10/06/2019 21:13

Obviously nothing unless she is in acute medical need! I think you can judge that.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 10/06/2019 21:15

Poor darling. I assume you have already done it, but just sit outside the airing cupboard and talk. tell her you're sorry, that you've felt under such societal pressure for kids to go to school that you felt you were failing her and were worried. But you saw today that you were wrong, and d that you love her and she is safe now. She can come out when ready and not be going anywhere near school.

Look into home edding. We did it for a few years with our (younger than your) kids and it turned things around for our eldest.

Don't beat yourself up. It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is

CarolDanvers · 10/06/2019 21:20

I think she needs urgent intervention from The Crisis Team, she ran out across a motorway, this needs sorting tonight.

This is common behaviour in children with ASD. It's not done in the way you understand it. There's no intent but to get out of a situation. I'd have been in A&E or contacting the crusts team every day for two years when my ds was at school if I had gone to them every time he melted down and tried to bolt.