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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School Refusal

116 replies

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 17:34

My dd is 14 and in year 9,just a bit of background quickly.She has been diagnosed with asd anxiety OCD anorexia and many others though these are the most prominent.She has been bullied in primary and secondary school though she got beaten up in her old secondary and was forced to move and in my head this is where her anorexia started.Shes been at a different secondary school for 3 years now and has been bullied quite a bit at her new one aswell (pushed into main roads and had logs thrown at her on the way back from school) it has now been sorted now though and now has many friends, and is liked by everyone ,quite popular but still her lovely genuine self.

Her anxiety is at an all time high she's experienced panic attacks and fainting from anxiety for the last 5 years and it sometimes gets better and sometimes worse .

Since the start of the new term it's sky rocketed though.Last week all she did is cry have panic attacks and run away from school.Today she announced she was never going back to school (she tends to get herself into a rut so we have to take this seriously).We had the screaming the crying the lashing out the refusing to get dressed.I couldn't see it was a melt down at the time and just saw it as bad behaviour.Me and DH carried her into the car in pjs thinking that she'd calm down once we got near to school.(We where so wrong).It was at the service station that we actually realised how much of a melt down she was having. She jumped out the car and tried to run across a motorway,we luckily managed to restrain her she was still yelling and crying.Once we got to school she actually wet herself mid meltdown and just screamed and screamed.We went into school to talk to the senco to see what they wanted us to do for the rest of the week they said to try again tomorrow but I don't think that's fair on my dd or us.We have a peadiatrition appointment on Friday so we'll see what they say.

When we got home she had a bath and has now stopped talking completely she won't eat or drink (always a bad sign)she's stayed in the airing cupboard since we got home so 7 hours.Any advice at all or just a hand hold I know we shouldn't have pushed her that far but it's grammar and unless they see proof of how differcult it is they start threatening fines.

Ik I was being unreasonable but any suggestions are needed and welcome.

OP posts:

Grasspigeons · 10/06/2019 18:37

Did you get directed to Not Fine In School stuff yet.
I would give ger some time off to re regulate and then plan.

Soubriquet · 10/06/2019 18:38

Poor girl

Have you told her she won’t be going to school at all this week?

Maybe that will help her to come out and have a drink?

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2019 18:40

In your position I would stop sending her to school, at least for now. Mental health first, education second. You could give her from now til Sept to unschool then decide what you want to do in Sept.

TeddiesAreEverywhere · 10/06/2019 18:41

My son sounds so similar. He was also, mostly, fine at home but at school was completely different. The day I told him he didn’t have to go back to school, it was like a weight had been lifted.

If you do decide to home educate, don’t start right away, give her some time to adjust and take it easy.

I’m fully aware my son may not get the best education from being home educated, but his mental health will always be more important.

Cherrysoup · 10/06/2019 18:46

Home school. As a teacher, I think some children genuinely just cannot cope with mainstream school. Please stop forcing her in, she was prepared to risk crossing the motorway today, says it all, really.

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:47

We've tried to home school her before and it didn't work I've told her catergoritly that she won't be going in for the rest of the week/till we've decided what to do.Im never going to force her into school again and I'm going to wait for a meeting before doing anything other than going to the beach and arts and craft.

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 18:48

Why didn’t it work?

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 18:53

She just became depressed that she was missing out on stuff and was just continually crying for hours at a time .I didn't think sending her back was the answer but it made her happy for a while.

OP posts:

ClaraMatilda · 10/06/2019 18:53

You've made the right decision there - don't try to force her to go back in.

If an adult were crying and having panic attacks at the thought of going to work (much less screaming and getting into such a state they lost control of their bladder) they'd be signed off sick with mental health issues. They wouldn't be made to return to a workplace that was obviously causing them extreme stress.

She can get qualifications later in life, or study for them from home now. Recovering from poor MH is so much harder, and mainstream schools aren't set up to meet the needs of students with ASD, even the academically able ones.

If I were you I'd deregister her, tell her she doesn't have to go back to that school, and talk with her about her future - where does she want to get to, and how can she get there if school isn't an option right now. It doesn't matter if it takes her a bit longer than the average student, because she's coping with so much that the average student doesn't have to.

I have ASD. I was a school refuser and it was horrendous. School just wasn't the right environment for me, and the idea that all children need to be in school regardless of their individual circumstances caused so much trouble for both me and my family - and this was before the nonsense with attendance targets. I'm now at a top university and will be starting a PhD later this year. There are always alternatives.

endlesslyrepeating · 10/06/2019 18:55

Home schooling and older secondary child isn’t easy - op isn’t a teacher. What have the school tried recently - soft start so you can go in at your own pace, quiet spaces etc? It seems as though you’ve fixed a lot of problems, any idea why the anxiety is spiking now?

I agree mental health is first, i couldn’t home educate my dd though, surely that’s letting the system fail your dd’s education?

Craftycorvid · 10/06/2019 18:56

Huge sympathy to you and your DD. You’ve both had a horrible time. School can be an absolutely traumatising environment for some children even without the level of abuse and violence your daughter has suffered. I haven’t anything to add advice-wise, just wanted to say that you sound really caring and I wish you well with home-schooling your girl.

TheCaddyisaBaddie · 10/06/2019 19:01

Home Education is great for lots of families but equally it doesn't work for lots of others as well. She wont be on roll for exams and LAs are legally obligated to provide anything - not even a pen let alone GCSE qualifications.

If you go down this route, please make sure you research it first.

Try and get an EHCP, this can open up access to additional professionals and therapies.

TheCaddyisaBaddie · 10/06/2019 19:02

that should read as NOT legally obligated

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 19:04

endlesslyrepeating

It’s not ideal. It’s better than her spoiling herself in terror, though.

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 19:04

*soiling

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 19:05

We've tried home ed and it didn't work the senco has just arranged a meeting on Wednesday so theirs a start. I think it's best to try and get her into a special school but have previously been told she's to intelligent 🙄

OP posts:

CraftyGin · 10/06/2019 19:06

Does she have an EHCP?

Taxiparent · 10/06/2019 19:06

Have you thought about online schooling! Interhigh has reasonable costs £3-4000 per year and your daughter could choose as many or few subjects as she can manage. You work from home so could monitor her attendance. They do a half term trial. It might be worth looking into.

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 19:07

It wouldn’t be up to her in my home, OP. She wouldn’t be going back there.

spam390 · 10/06/2019 19:12

It's obvious you and your DH are doing your best for your DD, unfortunately raising kids is hard normally, but extremely exhausting and emotionally demanding when you've had the added issues of ASD, panic attacks, bullying and eating disorder ! I understand exactly how you're feeling ( DD has ASD and some of the same issues as your DD including the bullying and anxiety), and there's no right or wrong, just your best efforts with the knowledge you've got at the time. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible to differentiate 'neuro- typical' adolescent challenging behaviour from ASD/ anxiety/ mental health issues, and NOBODY has all the answers, so try and cut yourself a little slack as you know you're doing your best.
I would only suggest that once your DD is a little more calm ( and out of the cupboard), gently let her know that you are sorry that you didn't realise just how bad she was feeling, and that you, as parents, will sometimes get things wrong too. I found having a code word to let you know she's not coping works well, as with ASD sometimes they simply cannot verbalise how bad they are feeling at the time.
All my very best wishes for you all. x flowers

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 19:12

Yes she's got a ehcp,my husband used to be a teacher but it didn't work with the home ed she was more unhappy at home than she was at school so she begged us to allow her to go back

OP posts:

RubberTreePlant · 10/06/2019 19:13

HE soumds wise but I think your first priority is to sit outside that airing cupboard, apologise abjectly and unreservedly for physically manhandling her, and make an absolute promise never to do anything of the sort again. Your DH too.

You need to a) make sure she's not overheating, b) start to reestablish trust(!)

BTW, of COURSE she hasn't gone from being attacked with logs to 'liked by all'. Bullies don't evaporate like that.

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 10/06/2019 19:18

As a matter of fact they did 2 of them where twins and moved to Leeds and the other 2 got expelled.No one else disliked dd at the time they where just afraid of getting bullied themselves.

OP posts:

dorisdog · 10/06/2019 19:27

Oh, OP how awful. I would take this so seriously (I have experience of child with anxiety and depression). If she was so scared that she wet herself, ran across a motorway (serious self harm attempt) and is now enclosed in a small space, I would be telling her right now, that she never has to go back if she doesn't want to.

The attendance records can go do one. A teenagers mental health is WAY more important that attendance stats. I'd call 111 too, and tell them about the running across the road incident and the fact that she wont come out of the cupboard. Maybe line up a doctors appt soon. Good luck to you and your DD, OP. x

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 10/06/2019 19:33

Try and get a referral to your nearest pupil referral unit. If you are accepted you can have access to home tutors.

I work in a PRU and several of our yr11’s currently sitting examsare home tutored by tutors and online services and are coming in for exams. Also several started off as home tutored and are now in for classes with other students and sitting GCSEs.

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