School Refusal

[Spooksandchocolatecake]

My dd is 14 and in year 9,just a bit of background quickly.She has been diagnosed with asd anxiety OCD anorexia and many others though these are the most prominent.She has been bullied in primary and secondary school though she got beaten up in her old secondary and was forced to move and in my head this is where her anorexia started.Shes been at a different secondary school for 3 years now and has been bullied quite a bit at her new one aswell (pushed into main roads and had logs thrown at her on the way back from school) it has now been sorted now though and now has many friends, and is liked by everyone ,quite popular but still her lovely genuine self.

Her anxiety is at an all time high she's experienced panic attacks and fainting from anxiety for the last 5 years and it sometimes gets better and sometimes worse .

Since the start of the new term it's sky rocketed though.Last week all she did is cry have panic attacks and run away from school.Today she announced she was never going back to school (she tends to get herself into a rut so we have to take this seriously).We had the screaming the crying the lashing out the refusing to get dressed.I couldn't see it was a melt down at the time and just saw it as bad behaviour.Me and DH carried her into the car in pjs thinking that she'd calm down once we got near to school.(We where so wrong).It was at the service station that we actually realised how much of a melt down she was having. She jumped out the car and tried to run across a motorway,we luckily managed to restrain her she was still yelling and crying.Once we got to school she actually wet herself mid meltdown and just screamed and screamed.We went into school to talk to the senco to see what they wanted us to do for the rest of the week they said to try again tomorrow but I don't think that's fair on my dd or us.We have a peadiatrition appointment on Friday so we'll see what they say.

When we got home she had a bath and has now stopped talking completely she won't eat or drink (always a bad sign)she's stayed in the airing cupboard since we got home so 7 hours.Any advice at all or just a hand hold I know we shouldn't have pushed her that far but it's grammar and unless they see proof of how differcult it is they start threatening fines.

Ik I was being unreasonable but any suggestions are needed and welcome.

Your poor dd hope she's ok and hope you are ok too.
Talk to her and be honest tell her you didn't know how to handle the situation and thought you were doing the right thing but you never want to scare her so much so in future you'll work out a different way to handle things.

Soontobe60 has obviously never dealt with a child with severe metal health problems let alone asd so ignore that advice.

Your dd has a diagnosis so don't worry about what the school are, she's not just bunking off and going down the park and with such documented issues the education welfare team need to tread carefully.
Who diagnosed her? Can they write it down on a letter?
Also was she referred somewhere after her diagnosis?

I had/have a dd who had extreme anxiety and couldn't go to school (totally different from wouldn't) and the school didn't push her attendance.

To be fair to @Soontobe60, lots of people, including professionals who should know better, think that any child who isn't unable to attend school through anxiety needs to be made uncomfortable at home to encourage them to go back. Lots of them told me I should punish and make my DDs miserable. One paed told my DD1 that I would be sent to prison if she didn't get back into school. I corrected that one immediately and volubly. Stupid woman.

They completely miss the point that these children generally want to be in school and feel upset and frustrated about being unable to attend. They want an education and are usually painfully aware that they are breaking rules and putting their parents at risk of prosecution. They don't need to be made to miss out on a walk on the beach to make them feel bad.

An amazing CAMHS psychologist (yes, they do exist) explained to me when my 12YO DD1 was too anxious to attend, that she needed care, understanding and activities that supported her emotional well-being and self esteem. That meant she was allowed to spend school days at the stables. It was one of the reasons we managed to keep her out of a tier 4 CAMHS unit.

Absolutely right, Goldmandra. Physically dragging anxious children to school is also advised by some well-meaning professionals. It's horrendous and I've never encountered a case where it didn't make anxiety worse. It's as if some people can't see it as anything other than children being 'badly behaved' for refusing to go to school when they're told to.

My parents tried the tactic of making home unpleasant. They stopped when they realised I'd choose cleaning the house all day or sitting in my room with nothing to do over going near school - I'd be unhappy that my parents were shouting and punishing me, and feel bad about myself, but the idea of school was worse than the punishments. I was also told a story about a (much older) relative whose parents sent him to live abroad at a young age, in a country with laxer education laws, to avoid trouble for truancy. They thought it might scare me into going to school. Instead I started asking my relatives abroad if I could go to live with them.

This is why we home educate...

I see you are thinking about it OP, so have a good look - it could be right for your DD.

Hope you both managed to get some rest today OP. Harry Potter marathon sounds great! As many others are saying, just focus on her wellbeing for now and as I mentioned earlier upthread, don't forget to look after yourself too.

Hospital teachers were mentioned by a few people in the thread. If your LA can provide this (it can be a bit if a fight to get this, in my LA it has to go to panel, meetings with relevant professionals etc etc) that would be great as she'd get to keep on top of her education and if she was to return to school they would support this. I happen to be one of these type of teachers (as well as a parent to a young girl with ASD) and although we teach, we also often work on building up confidence and try to break through whatever barrier the young person has to education. Bare in mind the goal for hospital teachers is usually to get the young person back into full time education (eventually) so if you don't think mainstream school is right for your DD then this may not be the right route either. But it does mean your DD has access to education and most if the teachers who work in this field are very nice and understanding (we're in this for a reason).

Pupil referral units were also mentioned, I think this is usually for permanently excluded students. Used to work in one a long time ago and most if the kids were, well let's say, a bit 'naughty'. Characters and likeable in their own way but maybe but somewhere I'd want my ASD DD to end up one day. Although I've heard that one of our local PRUs have an 'anxiety' group for students needing extra support do maybe done if them take on anxious students too!

Jesus Christ they are the fucking limit!

Just ignore it, hide it easy somewhere for when you can deal with it. It's clear that school haven't got your DD's best interest at heart. Treat it as another sign that things have got to change. That us really shitty (excuse my language!)

Have some wine and chocolate and put in some mind numbing TV.

Away, not easy...

That is truly rubbish of the school!
You need to rustle up some support from other professionals so you aren't locked in a 1 to 1 battle with the school over this nonsense.
I would also push back on the school.
But there is time to deal with that don't let it impact your dd's recovery days.

Your daughter sounds like she needs cahms involvement. You need a carers assess,ent and the school need to,do one! I would ask for a copy of the school SEN policy and quote them. They clearly have no understanding of how ill she is. She needs their support not detention. I'm angry and sad for you and I hope you all get the help,you need x

Your DD needs out of the school. I'd deregister.

That seems like the perfect way to ensure she can never return to school.

I would just ignore the detention letter and focus on finding a school placement that meets her needs.

So much for pastoral care and SN provision, eh?

You'll have to get sharp-elbowed OP. INSIST this is dealt with as the SEN issue that it clearly is.

The lack of sympathies the powers that be have makes me seethe. If this was a Teacher at the school or someone from The Education Welfare. They'd be signed off due to anxiety and treated very sensitively.
However with kids the attitude is "Get to school". Without even trying to find
why they don't want to be there. If they opened their minds a bit more and actually listened. They might just get some where.
It doesn't even sound like hatered of the place. More like terror.

Yes my dd looks terrified too and all we get is ‘she’s fine in school’ which was so funny when I saw the school refuser’s group is called not fine in school...

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/257745