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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people moaning about our wedding!

110 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:10

We are getting married in 4 weeks. Originally we had planned a big reception last year for this weekend. We had hired a hall etc. But people started commenting on “are you having a free bar, we don’t like that music” etc etc so we decided to cancel it all.
We have now decided to have a small garden party with just our closest friends. This is my second marriage so my family came to my first one. My dad has been absolutely fine with it and has gave me his blessing.

My sister who I rarely speak too or see and who doesn’t even seem to like me messaged me saying how she thinks it’s wrong “that your re inviting friends you’ve known 5 years but not me”. She makes me feel so negative and depressed when I’m around her, she constantly puts me down etc.

We also haven’t invited any of Dps family. He has a split family with his dad living in another country, his grandma living hours away etc. His mum also doesn’t even want to come to the wedding!

His grandma texted me asking how we were, I said just abit stressed about the wedding but it’s coming together, she replied that because we aren’t having family there we are on our own and that they won’t be getting us a card etc. Completely understand this but I’m so so sick of being made to feel shit about it.

I understand that they want to be there, but only last month she told us how happy she is that we are just getting married and getting it done!

I’m so fed up. I knew this was a risk but I thought people could be happy for us. Why would people who can’t even message or see us very rarely even want to be there?! Our friends have been there throughout everything.

OP posts:
PeoniesarePink · 10/06/2019 13:14

Not including family is a massive risk, and they're just expressing hurt.

Yes you've done things your way, but is it worth it knowing this will be brought up for years to come?

Original poster
Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:18

Yes I think it is. We couldn’t afford to include them all, and couldn’t invite some without the others. I would hate my sister to be there, to me she isn’t a sister. She’s very toxic. But if I had invited dps family and not her ww3 would start.

OP posts:
avalanching · 10/06/2019 13:21

You've been very selective and that will of course comments. I would have gone for option 3 and eloped with no guests. No matter how you paint it, not inviting family is going to stir emotions, have you invited any of your family?

Sooverthemill · 10/06/2019 13:21

At my first wedding I had closest family and close friends. 30 years later there is only one of those friends I'm still in touch with but I still have my relatives ( that are still alive!). Friendships changed over the years but family is always with you. I think your family are expressing hurt.

Comefromaway · 10/06/2019 13:23

If you are happy with cutting your family out that's up to you but don't expect them to be happy about it. in fact I'd pretty much say to expect no contact from now on.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 10/06/2019 13:23

I would hate my sister to be there, to me she isn’t a sister. She’s very toxic.

So what do you care what she thinks? She seems to be the only one who has a problem with your plans and you don't like her and don't want her there. So just ignore and move on.

averythinline · 10/06/2019 13:24

PLease have teh wedding you want with the people you want... as you say friends have been there for you thats the most important thing...
why would ww3 start with your sister?.... not sure why you are in contct with her if shes such a misery..... its not compulsory you know....you hardly see her as it is - how would she even know....and even if she does just say we've invited people we are close to...

you sound scared of her :( maybe set yourself free of that as a wedding present to yourself

Freddiefox · 10/06/2019 13:24

He has a split family with his dad living in another country, his grandma living hours away etc

Tbh, unless there is a massive back story not inviting his family because they are a spilt family and grandma lovss hours away really isn’t very nice.

You can do what you like when you like but you can’t expect people to happy about it.

I think it’s sounds very strange that his family have been excluded but not yours other than your sister.

CruellaFeinberg · 10/06/2019 13:25

i would have eloped as well, if you don't include anyone, then no one can claim offence

don't know why no invite = no card though, that's rude

Zilla1 · 10/06/2019 13:25

Every decision has costs and benefits. You have the advantage that you can say you tried the inclusive approach and felt that 'everyone' was more bothered about criticising it (though I would hope there was a silent majority like your father who wanted you to be happy.)

You've decided the friends-focused informal approach so try and enjoy the day. If people complain and you want to, explain about the criticism and crack on with having a positive event with non-family who like you. If you've realised your sister is toxic then try and ignore her.

Why don't you invite some of DPs family if you want them there rather than pander to someone toxic by excluding others to avoid ww3, it sounds like your sister will use the friends-only as an excuse to criticise you anyway.

Good luck and hope the wedding goes well.

Original poster
Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:27

Not mine other than my sister? None of my family are coming.

OP posts:
MrsBlondie · 10/06/2019 13:27

I think that's rather unkind to not invite family. Friends change over the years but family is always family.

Original poster
Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:29

Shouldn’t have drip fed sorry. Both my and dp didn’t have very good childhoods/even now. We aren’t close to our families at all, rarely speak or see any of them.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 10/06/2019 13:30

You chose this. You must’ve known you’d upset people?

Original poster
Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:31

But you also can’t choose your family 😐

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/06/2019 13:31

I think what you're saying is none of either of your families is invited to the wedding. That's fair enough, but you can't expect them to like you for it.

If your relationships are so bad with your families that you've both taken these decisions I don't understand why you are bothered? Surely you knew they'd be pissed about it?

avalanching · 10/06/2019 13:31

I think you've made your decision and you just have to accept how they feel. If relationships are that strained it shouldn't concern you too much.

Singlenotsingle · 10/06/2019 13:32

They didn't necessarily want to come, but it would have been nice to be invited!

Pinkvoid · 10/06/2019 13:33

I’ll be honest, you are going to have to either ignore them all completely or just accept that people will be hurt/offended and will make comments.

My cousin had a wedding a lot like yours last year and I was upset that I didn’t get invited. I didn’t say a thing to her but it did upset me at the time and I have been off with her since tbh. We have always been fairly close, a year apart in age and grew up together much like sisters so it was hurtful.

You have selected a few people so it’s understandable that the ones excluded will be offended.

Tinkety · 10/06/2019 13:33

This is my second marriage so my family came to my first one.

None of my family are coming.

Is this your fiancé’s second marriage too? How does he feel about not having his family there?

Bluntness100 · 10/06/2019 13:34

I don't really understand op, you say you are basically no contact with your families then tell us about your dad giving you his blessing, how his gran texts you etc?

Passthecherrycoke · 10/06/2019 13:35

Darksideofthemoon19 But you’re still
In contact with your families, so just concentrating on how awful they are is a bit irrelevant- they aren’t just awful enough to exclude from only your wedding, they’re either awful enough to exclude from everything, or they’re not.

Antigon · 10/06/2019 13:36

I agree that you shouldn't have your sister there, she sounds awful. And your GMIL should be telling your fiancé that she's not sending a card, not you. Has she also told him?

If your families are all awful I would say a friends-only wedding is a great but if there are nice some members then it's a shame to exclude them.

Tbf, I probably wouldn't send a card/gift if I wasn't invited.

SunnyGirl12 · 10/06/2019 13:36

When you planned this did it not occur to you that family might be hurt and upset?

By all means have the wedding you want, that's your right, but they have a right to express being upset too.

It reads like you got offended by a few making comments about the free bar and music so cut all of them out. No matter your age or situation I would be hurt if my child invited her mates to her wedding and not me.

I think you have to take them expressing their hurt on the chin to be honest, I can understand how they feel.

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 13:36

Well, if they were crappy parents when you were growing up and you’d shitty childhoods, then they don’t get to play the victim card now.

Ignore them, have the wedding of your choice, surrounded by people who love you. I hope you have a wonderful day.