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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of people moaning about our wedding!

110 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:10

We are getting married in 4 weeks. Originally we had planned a big reception last year for this weekend. We had hired a hall etc. But people started commenting on “are you having a free bar, we don’t like that music” etc etc so we decided to cancel it all.
We have now decided to have a small garden party with just our closest friends. This is my second marriage so my family came to my first one. My dad has been absolutely fine with it and has gave me his blessing.

My sister who I rarely speak too or see and who doesn’t even seem to like me messaged me saying how she thinks it’s wrong “that your re inviting friends you’ve known 5 years but not me”. She makes me feel so negative and depressed when I’m around her, she constantly puts me down etc.

We also haven’t invited any of Dps family. He has a split family with his dad living in another country, his grandma living hours away etc. His mum also doesn’t even want to come to the wedding!

His grandma texted me asking how we were, I said just abit stressed about the wedding but it’s coming together, she replied that because we aren’t having family there we are on our own and that they won’t be getting us a card etc. Completely understand this but I’m so so sick of being made to feel shit about it.

I understand that they want to be there, but only last month she told us how happy she is that we are just getting married and getting it done!

I’m so fed up. I knew this was a risk but I thought people could be happy for us. Why would people who can’t even message or see us very rarely even want to be there?! Our friends have been there throughout everything.

OP posts:

SoHotADragonRetired · 10/06/2019 13:38

Tbh, it's a bit tin-eared to moan about how stressful organising a wedding is to someone you've not invited.

I agree with PP; you either have to be in or out with family, and take the consequences if it's "out". If your sister is not your sister, stop talking to her and she can moan about her exclusion to someone else. If you want to elope, elope and don't invite anyone; if you want to invite some family, keep it based on degree of genetic closeness or else accept people will moan about exclusion.

Yes, it's rude to complain to someone about their wedding (and especially if it's as petty as not liking the music!) but people are going to be understandably hurt if they thought they had a good or decent relationship with you and they don't get invited over something as flimsy as living far away.

myrtleWilson · 10/06/2019 13:40

When you had the big reception planned were you inviting your families to that version of your wedding? So have they had invites/save the dates rescinded?

LellyMcKelly · 10/06/2019 13:40

Inviting friends but not family is odd, and I can see why your relatives would be hurt. I’d be really upset if my mum or sister got remarried and didn’t invite me. Your original plan sounds much more friendly and inclusive. That said, it’s your wedding. You have to make choices and set your own priorities.

PuppyMonkey · 10/06/2019 13:45

From your OP, it seems that at one point you must have been telling family that you'd hired a hall for the reception etc, then the next thing, that was all cancelled and they were no longer invited. They might get a leetle beet about that TBF.

But, at the end of the day, I agree, do what you want and ignore your family if none of you are even that close anyway.

Kione · 10/06/2019 13:47

My wedding was not what I wanted because of family rifts too (step family at that). The organizers were crap too.
If I was to do it again I would not tell a soul and then have a party. Not a wedding party, "just a party" with whoever I wanted. And not announce it.

If I had another chance I would say I am canceling the whole thing and start from scratch, without informing people that made me feel shit.

PhossyJaw · 10/06/2019 13:47

We didn't invite either of our families, with whom we get on perfectly well, to our wedding -- I don't think there's anything odd about that. (We both come from huge families, who all live overseas, and even if we only invited our parents and siblings, it would have been a much bigger and more complex affair than we wanted.) However, we never planned to have that kind of wedding. Are you seriously saying that you cancelled your first plans for a big wedding with all your family there because they complained about the music and bar?

Gth1234 · 10/06/2019 13:51

Why would anyone have commented on your first proposals. You invite someone to a wedding day/evening, whatever. Who would ever ask about the entertainment?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 10/06/2019 13:52

His grandma texted me asking how we were, I said just abit stressed about the wedding

I would try to avoid speaking about the wedding with them. It can be upsetting to talk about an event you aren't invited to! I completely understand why you didn't invite family, but I can also understand why they are upset and wouldn't want to hear about your wedding. I'd try to play it down in any future conversations.

If you are estranged from your sister and see her as not a sister, please disregard anything she says about it.

Fatasfooook · 10/06/2019 13:53

I think you either have everyone or no one. It only causes trouble and will taint your memory of getting married. We opted for no one. It was bliss and our wedding is ours to remember and cherish

pokepoke · 10/06/2019 13:53

I can understand why your families are hurt - I would be too if I was in their situation, where your friends are included in your new wedding arrangements but your family is excluded.

Although it's your second marriage, your family might have wanted to support you and your new fiancé as it is a totally different wedding.

Is it your fiancé's first marriage? I can really understand why his family would be upset if they're missing the wedding if that's the case. Is your fiancé really ok with not having his family there?

If you're both fine enough to not include them, then I'm not sure why you're getting so upset when they're expressing their disappointment. How can they be happy about your wedding if they've been taken off the guest list?! I feel the situation would be different if you had decided to elope - you may want to look into it.

Purpleartichoke · 10/06/2019 13:56

Eloping is one thing. Having a wedding and not inviting family is like drawing a giant FU in the sand. It’s a choice you can make, but it will have life long consequences.

Banhaha · 10/06/2019 14:01

I wouldn't talk to people about your wedding planning if they arent invited unless they ask you specifically about it. It's like you've said how stressed you are setting up an amazing party to which your gran isn't invited (and would have liked to have been).

BunnyColvin · 10/06/2019 14:02

Not inviting dysfunctional family members isn't odd at all, and I agree with you not inviting people who don't add to your life.

But it's pretty tone deaf to have them all know about the wedding and talk about it with them etc. when they're not invited.

The mistake you made really was not keeping all this on the down low completely. I mean you can't have it both ways. They're either in or they're out.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 10/06/2019 14:03

Well they all sound like cunts to me! A very old friend of mine eloped and yes I was disappointed not to have been at her (second) wedding (had been at her first) but I wished her well and did nothing but beam at her when she told me. That's how she wanted to get married, she didn't want stress or hassle so she did what she wanted. You do want you want and ignore everyone else.

Hollowvictory · 10/06/2019 14:04

I guess if they aren't invited I'm wondering why you feel the need to mention the wedding to them? You're rubbing salt in the wounds telling them youre stressed about a wedding you haven't invited them to. Why would you do that?

Bettyspants · 10/06/2019 14:05

You and DP had awfull childhoods. I can understand why family may not be invited but a little confused that this would apply to all? I think you may need to accept things will be very difficult in the future with them.

Friends invited- they are complaining about music? But they are close enough for you to want them present? Don't sound overly great friends!!

Seems there's issues with both family and friends....surely safest to elope. Seems very odd that it was cancelled last year. Hope you eventually have a happy day!

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 10/06/2019 14:05

Actually ignore me! I haven't thought that comment through 🙄

storynanny · 10/06/2019 14:06

Whilst you are all here on this thread, could I butt in and ask for your opinions? Me and my long term partner of 15 years have booked registry office for week after next. We are in our 60’s, good relations with our adult, spread over the world children etc etc. Would you be really upset if we didn’t tell you til afterwards? We just don’t want a ceremony, just a legal binding document if you see what I mean.
My partners daughters live locally ( their mother passed away 25 years ago) and mine live overseas.
If we told the girls, the step sisters and brothers would feel left out, mine can’t travel back as one DIL is heavily pregnant and the others have no holiday left. What do you think?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/06/2019 14:08

It sounds like in your OP that you were going to have a big wedding and everyone was invited, which then went to a smaller one where only friends were invited. I'd be hurt at that too tbh.

Is this your fiancees second wedding as well? I understand you leaving your sister out however I don't with his side. I can see why they're upset, especially if it is his first.

I'd also refrain from talking about the wedding to people who aren't invited.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 10/06/2019 14:09

Again, I agree with others - you have chosen to exclude your family, but expect them to be happy about that?

Did you not expect them to be a bit hurt?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/06/2019 14:10

@storynanny I wouldn't be upset - the only way I would be upset is to find out that others knew and you didn't tell me or other family members were there and I wasn't invited.

I think what you're doing is perfectly fine, just make sure everyone is treated the same.

storynanny · 10/06/2019 14:12

Thank you. We have this idea that we will ask 2 people off the street to be witnesses! Is that a bonkers idea? Would it be the only day no one walked up that road?

pokepoke · 10/06/2019 14:13

@storynanny It depends. Are your partner's daughters attending? How long have you had the appointment?

My family and I are really close so my perspective is skewed, but I would be annoyed if I was told afterwards and found out other people had attended. If you are doing it like this, tell everyone afterwards at the same time and don't invite your partner's daughters.

ZenNudist · 10/06/2019 14:18

Not inviting dps gran is mean. Also horrible to moan you are stressed about a wedding to which she isn't invited.

The big hall cancellation thing is confusing. Did you invite then uninvite everyone?

In 10 years time look back and see how many friends you are still in touch with. Im not saying you need to invite every last cousin but parents and grandparents are more important. Do you have children? How would you feel if they excluded you from important events? If you hate your sister thats a different story. You have cut her out now anyway due to the lack of wedding invites. Why cut out family you like (like your dad?).

I wouldn't expect people to be happy for you when you are telling them what you think of them.

Its not too late to undo lasting damage. Think hard about family who matter to you and dp and who cares about you. Invite them!

storynanny · 10/06/2019 14:18

We were intending to have zero at the ceremony apart from 2 witnesses plucked from the road just before the ceremony
Sorry to have hijacked your thread, I hope you are able to enjoy your day without getting a hard time still from your family.

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