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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people moaning about our wedding!

110 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:10

We are getting married in 4 weeks. Originally we had planned a big reception last year for this weekend. We had hired a hall etc. But people started commenting on “are you having a free bar, we don’t like that music” etc etc so we decided to cancel it all.
We have now decided to have a small garden party with just our closest friends. This is my second marriage so my family came to my first one. My dad has been absolutely fine with it and has gave me his blessing.

My sister who I rarely speak too or see and who doesn’t even seem to like me messaged me saying how she thinks it’s wrong “that your re inviting friends you’ve known 5 years but not me”. She makes me feel so negative and depressed when I’m around her, she constantly puts me down etc.

We also haven’t invited any of Dps family. He has a split family with his dad living in another country, his grandma living hours away etc. His mum also doesn’t even want to come to the wedding!

His grandma texted me asking how we were, I said just abit stressed about the wedding but it’s coming together, she replied that because we aren’t having family there we are on our own and that they won’t be getting us a card etc. Completely understand this but I’m so so sick of being made to feel shit about it.

I understand that they want to be there, but only last month she told us how happy she is that we are just getting married and getting it done!

I’m so fed up. I knew this was a risk but I thought people could be happy for us. Why would people who can’t even message or see us very rarely even want to be there?! Our friends have been there throughout everything.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 10/06/2019 14:57

Of course it's odd not to invite parents to your wedding if there are no problems in the relationship. If you dont want them there because of you and your DPs childhood that's your choice, not sure what Gran did though.

storynanny · 10/06/2019 14:58

Passthecherrycoke, sorry maybe I’m not explaining it well. Obviously our immediate adult children we would tell at the same time shortly afterwards, I meant we wouldn’t feel the need to make a big general proclamation.
Maybe we need to rethink and tell the 5 adult children beforehand. I’m grateful for your insights, thank you.

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/06/2019 14:59

Who on earth asks if its a free bar when invited to a wedding,? CFers

boiseidaho · 10/06/2019 14:59

Whist I definitely think you should do your wedding your way, it's unreasonable to expect no consequences.

If an immediate family member didn't invite me to their wedding (or worse uninvited me) I'd consider it a pretty clear sign that they didn't value our relationship and I'd probably distance myself from them afterwards. If they uninvited me but continued discussing the upcoming wedding with me, I'd be irritated at best and possibly quite hurt.

I understand that you're not close to your family, so I think you need to accept that you are openly snubbing them at this point (not saying you're wrong to do so) and accept that they'll be upset about it. Frankly I'd go even lower contact with them at this point, and enjoy your wedding your way without listening to any more of their opinions.

spanishwife · 10/06/2019 15:07

@storynanny plucking people off the street is a STUPID idea.
As much as you care, I wouldn't and frankly wouldn't spend 30mins+ of my time to help two random (and underprepared) strangers.

spanishwife · 10/06/2019 15:08

OP, I would be SO upset if my sister got married (2nd, 3rd time, whatever) and didn't invite me, but invited friends she had known for a short period of time. That's just awful.

If you really wanted to do it that way fine, have a tiny simple wedding and then have a 'party' with friends and keep it quiet to those not invited! It's very rude TBH.

saraclara · 10/06/2019 15:12

Eloping is one thing. Having a wedding and not inviting family is like drawing a giant FU in the sand. It’s a choice you can make, but it will have life long consequences.

That. I'm surprised that you're surprised at the reaction, and expected them just to be happy for you. It's bizarre, to be honest.

maimainomai · 10/06/2019 15:12

They're hurt. Which is understandable.

Eloping would have been one thing.

But you deliberately invited some people and excluded them. That's a statement.

You will now simply have to deal with the fallout of making this kind of statement.

saraclara · 10/06/2019 15:13

Also @storynanny, you really need to make your own OP, not hijack other people's. It makes for a confusing thread, at best.

IceQueenCometh · 10/06/2019 15:24

I did what you're doing. That was 5 years ago, and I don't regret it for a second.

storynanny · 10/06/2019 15:28

Yes Sara, I should have you are right, it was an impulse!

NauseousMum · 10/06/2019 15:33

If they are all unpleasant, why would you invite them? But if some aren't, don't hurt them and not invite because of your toxic sister.

If you aren't inviting, don't bring up the wedding either- it will piss them off.

Fuck your sister- nc is the way with her toxicity.

Fuck the rude people who wanted a free bar and moaned about music.

GoodbyeRosie · 10/06/2019 15:36

Ah, weddings causing trouble again.

Yet again I ask myself, are they really worth the hassle?

I would be up for these new civil partnerships to get on a secure legal footing, but when you turn it into an event the trouble starts.

I know I'm in a minority, but the expense, hassle, stress, attention , bloody hen and stag do's, simply doesn't seem worth it for one day.

In this example , all this fall out could have been avoided by just booking a time at the town hall and getting the papers signed.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/06/2019 15:43

Bollocks to them all. Tell your sister to fuck off, his Grandma too!

If I ever have to get marrired again I won't be inviting any of my family for much the same reason, DH is in the same boat. My DSis might get an invitation.... but she's it!

Plan it how you want it. Enjoy it and fee free to tell the moaners, the negative gobshites precisely where to go! If people can't put themselves anywhere but first for any/every occasion they deserve to be blocked, uninvited, forgotten!

Yabbers · 10/06/2019 15:55

A few people complained, so you cancelled the whole thing? That sounds rather stroppy.

Jaxhog · 10/06/2019 16:02

Good for you!

A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of the joining 2 people. Not a freebie for a bunch of free loading relatives who woudn't give you the time of day otherwise.

julensaor · 10/06/2019 16:07

I find it hard to believe that between the two of you, you have not one single family member worth an invite. Not one? It does come across as if one of you is dictating terms to the other. One of you is more bitter and saying to hell with them all and you must do the same with ALL your family. To get into a strop about people asking about a free bar and complaining about entertainment (people always do!) is a bit over the top. Did every single family member complain? Again hard to believe. So which one of you is throwing the toys out of the pram here and causing conflict for the other?

womenspeakout · 10/06/2019 16:12

I don't know, you exclude them and then want to complain to them about the wedding and then are hurt when people say you're on your own and they won't send you a card.

It must be quite hurtful if you are on good terms with your father, that he, someone in your life for so long is excluded for people you've known a couple of years as friends.

You know what you're doing, but in all honesty, I wouldn't expect sympathy from any of them, so I wouldn't be complaining about anything to do with it to them. You're just rubbing them up the wrong way after already excluding them.

Ohyesiam · 10/06/2019 16:13

It’s your wedding and you should do exactly what you think is right for you and your partner.
Your sister is being toxic because that’s what she’s like, try the block her out of your mind.
other people are expressing their hurt, but you’ve got good reasons for doing all the things that you planned.

You have to standby your decision and not get hurt about what people, say just don’t let them get to you.
I hope you have a really beautiful wedding

londonrach · 10/06/2019 16:13

Seriously have i just read you not inviting your family to your wedding but friends. Thats very strange. Friends come and come family is still there. Ok have a wedding no one apart from two randoms but excluding family is ..... this cant be real as no ones that horrible. Yabu. I bet theres alot of upset about your strange decision.

popsuey · 10/06/2019 16:26

@storynanny I certainly wouldn't be upset at all though if I was in your family and you just went off and got married quietly. I'd just be happy for you. I think the only thing guaranteed to cause upset is inviting some family members but not others. I've just never heard of a situation where that decision didn't cause upset.

OP, the wedding you want is unfortunately guaranteed to upset your family. I think everyone should get married the way they want, but you have to think through if you're the kind of person who is thick skinned enough not to be hurt by your family members' upset and resentment. I would struggle with that personally, but I am waaay to sensitive about stuff at the best of times.

Rachelle11 · 10/06/2019 16:57

You uninvited everyone? Of course they are mad! Your sister may be a terrible person but I think he being upset at not being invited is perfectly understandable. As for his grandma, I'm amazed you had the gall to complain to her about a wedding she isn't invited to.
The fact you have chosen not to invite one single person from his side or your side is concerning. The fact you further seem to confused people are upset make you seem to have little understanding of human emotions.

Deadringer · 10/06/2019 17:05

I think you should do whatever you want for your wedding, but you have to understand that people will be hurt. Even if they have been arseholes to you, they will be hurt. I would be devastated if my DD had friends at her wedding but didn't invite me.

GreytExpectations · 10/06/2019 17:06

I think you are not only be quite hurtful but also pretty insensitive about this. You cant go and not invite any family members and then get annoyed when they are upset about it nor can you talk to them about wedding plans when they arent invited! I understand some of them seem toxic, like your sister but your father must be quite sad as must your dp's grandmother. They dont deserve to be cut out of your wedding when you are including friends. But its your choice at the end of the day but dont get annoyed by their reactions as they are not be unreasonable at all.

Applepieco · 10/06/2019 17:07

Are there two different threads running here? It’s not making sense Confused