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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people moaning about our wedding!

110 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 10/06/2019 13:10

We are getting married in 4 weeks. Originally we had planned a big reception last year for this weekend. We had hired a hall etc. But people started commenting on “are you having a free bar, we don’t like that music” etc etc so we decided to cancel it all.
We have now decided to have a small garden party with just our closest friends. This is my second marriage so my family came to my first one. My dad has been absolutely fine with it and has gave me his blessing.

My sister who I rarely speak too or see and who doesn’t even seem to like me messaged me saying how she thinks it’s wrong “that your re inviting friends you’ve known 5 years but not me”. She makes me feel so negative and depressed when I’m around her, she constantly puts me down etc.

We also haven’t invited any of Dps family. He has a split family with his dad living in another country, his grandma living hours away etc. His mum also doesn’t even want to come to the wedding!

His grandma texted me asking how we were, I said just abit stressed about the wedding but it’s coming together, she replied that because we aren’t having family there we are on our own and that they won’t be getting us a card etc. Completely understand this but I’m so so sick of being made to feel shit about it.

I understand that they want to be there, but only last month she told us how happy she is that we are just getting married and getting it done!

I’m so fed up. I knew this was a risk but I thought people could be happy for us. Why would people who can’t even message or see us very rarely even want to be there?! Our friends have been there throughout everything.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/06/2019 14:18

@storynanny

I'd be upset. Even if I couldn't attend I'd like to be invited and I'd definitely want to know before not after.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/06/2019 14:19

'I am going to Gretna Green, and if you cannot guess with who, I shall think you a simpleton ...'

Weddings are more trouble than they're worth.

storynanny · 10/06/2019 14:21

I knew it would divide your opinions! The nearer the appt gets ( only made the appt about 6 weeks ago) the more I am worried that the girls in particular will be disappointed at us and I would hate that.

Piffle11 · 10/06/2019 14:23

@storynanny can I just say that the 2 witnesses 'plucked from the road' rarely works in practice? Not only do you have to find 2 complete strangers who are wandering past with nothing else to do for a while, you also have to find them quick, as registry office ceremonies tend to be booked in one after the other, so they can't delay too much because you've only got one witness. Is your reg office on a main road? The one nearest me isn't, so no-one would pass!

stassy123 · 10/06/2019 14:23

I think if you're not arsed enough about your family to invite them to your wedding then why would you care/take on board their thoughts?

IlluminatiConfirmed · 10/06/2019 14:29

I agree with previous posters - you should do elopement instead.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 10/06/2019 14:29

YOUR WEDDING - YOUR DAY - YOUR RULES.

Dont feel bad about having it the way you have decided, if it makes you feel a tad better and doesnt do your finances in. Your friends have been your support you said so have a really good wedding party with them!

And just because people are blood related doesnt mean they have entitlement to anything! Do not invite your sister and tell her why! People need to know the truth!

Have a really fab day when it comes and enjoy your marriage xx

pokepoke · 10/06/2019 14:30

@storynanny I would personally be disappointed either way (as it is last minute, but afterwards is much worse) but if I knew we (the children etc) were all in the same boat, I'd never tell my parents that and just express my congratulations.

I don't think the strangers off the street idea would necessarily work, depending on where you are. You would be hard pressed to find people last minute that have time to witness and sign for a ceremony.

recrudescence · 10/06/2019 14:30

Fly to Vegas, get married by Elvis, announce on Facebook, fly back. This worked for us.

SoHotADragonRetired · 10/06/2019 14:35

storynanny I think you run a pretty big risk of not being able to get legally married if you rely on finding witnesses on the street. Why not ask a couple of local MNers to volunteer? Lots of people here would be willing and it's been done successfully several times - guaranteed witnesses without having to deal with the "you invited her and not me?!" issue.

storynanny · 10/06/2019 14:37

Ah now that’s something to consider! I will suggest it and see what he thinks.

senua · 10/06/2019 14:39

Would you be really upset if we didn’t tell you til afterwards? We just don’t want a ceremony, just a legal binding document if you see what I mean.
It depends how you sell it, I suppose. You could say that the day (the wedding) wasn't that big a thing after being together 15 years but the concept (the mariage) is - as you say, it's a legally binding document that changes next-of-kin, wills, etc.
Tell them after the event and arrange a family get-together so everyone can see how it pans out.

PS If you put a shout out on MN, you can often find two witnesses. Just saying.Smile

storynanny · 10/06/2019 14:39

To be honest, we weren’t actually intending to announce it afterwards, we already use the same surname and anyone who isn’t family or close friends assume we are already married. Does that alter any of your opinions?

senua · 10/06/2019 14:39

x-post!

BunnyColvin · 10/06/2019 14:41

storynanny great idea if that works for you. It wouldn't bother me personally.

ZenNudist I think the whole point is that OP doesn't get on with any of her family? Friends certainly can be for life!

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2019 14:42

@Darksideofthemoon19
You weren't going to tell your children at all? Really? I'd be more than hurt!

senua · 10/06/2019 14:43

we weren’t actually intending to announce it afterwards ... Does that alter any of your opinions?
You are going to tell family, aren't you? I wouldn't be impressed if I found out at some crucial moment like turning off the life support.

senua · 10/06/2019 14:45

The news will come out, at some stage, to the people who matter. Make sure that you are in charge of how it comes out (the timing, the telling, etc)

PhossyJaw · 10/06/2019 14:45

We didn't tell anyone we'd got married for years afterwards it didn't make the slightest difference to our lives. But I agree, storynanny don't rely on plucking witnesses off the road, which will add needless stress to a low-key wedding day. Frankly, most people passing your venue will be going about their day, and not be keen on taking a minimum of half a hour out for total strangers -- I've refused to be a witness on two different occasions. (I used to walk past a particularly elegant and sought-after registry office on my way to work.)

And when we got married, when we booked the ceremony, we were specifically told that the venue couldn't supply staff to be witnesses, and that, if we were counting on pulling people off the street and missed our slot because of it, the registrar couldn't do anything about it.

KitKat1985 · 10/06/2019 14:46

Well OP obviously you are free to have whatever wedding you want, but not inviting family along was always going to cause upset, even if you are not that close, so you may have to just ride this out.

It sounds like you don't get on anyway, so I would avoid any mention of the wedding with them, and don't reply to any wedding related messages from them.

Haworthia · 10/06/2019 14:46

You sound a bit difficult OP.

So you originally planned a reception for this weekend but cancelled the whole thing because too many people pissed you off with their complaints about music and money (personally, I would have told them to like it or lump it). Now your Plan B reception is excluding loads of people?

Look - do what you want, but you must realise that your plans would put a lot of noses out of joint.

Passthecherrycoke · 10/06/2019 14:48

storynanny I’m getting pretty lost with the question tbh- you aren’t inviting them, aren’t doing anything for the wedding and now you aren’t even telling them? What could they be hurt about if they aren’t even aware?

However if I were aware I would be incredibly upset, but that’s my family

Butterflyone1 · 10/06/2019 14:53

As far as I'm concerned, your wedding so your rules.

I find everyone has an opinion about weddings and sadly they are not always supportive so I respect what you've done but I do understand why people are making comments.

You just need to stick to the party line when people ask/comment. Just said you want a smaller more intimate affair with people who have been involved with your relationship.

It will be hard for granny but as far as your sisters concerned, I completely understand. I wouldn't want one of my sisters at my wedding as she's a nightmare after a drink.

Best of luck and try not to allow peoples bitterness affect the lead up to your wedding.

pokepoke · 10/06/2019 14:54

@storynanny Why on earth wouldn't you tell your children that you're married?! That's really weird. Doesn't matter whether strangers think you're married, your kids don't and won't know until you tell them.

As a PP said, I guess they can't be hurt over what they don't know... but it is a bit bonkers to think you shouldn't tell them yet be really worried over how disappointed they'd be if you told them soon after you've married. What does your partner think?

Itssosunny · 10/06/2019 14:57

You could have invited your DP's family and it would be up to them to travel or not. They could send you a nice gift or a card instead.

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