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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not leave my baby with someone she doesn’t know ? And I don’t speak to?

127 replies

Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:05

Have a young baby. 8 months. Relationship with MIL etc has been VERY strained. We’ve both been petty made mistakes etc but in short I was bitter I got offered no help when my son was born and she’s made no effort to see him.

But recently (6 weeks ago) I went round and told her I want to put everything behind us and I want my son to have a grandma. My mum passed away 3 years ago.
So she agreed. Not much has changed really, I’ve asked her on 5 different occasions would she watch him for an hour or so- there’s always been a reason why not. One was ‘ I don’t think I’ll be up at that time ‘ ( I had an appointment at 9.30)
But anyway in the last 6 weeks she ended up having him for an hour one day, this is the first time she’s had him alone. I was fine with this.
She asked me if she could see him tomrorow for abit - it is slightly annoying me that whenever I ask for help she is ‘ busy’ but I do feel forced to change my plans for her. Mainly to keep peace.

Fast forward to tomrorow she messaged me this morning saying she has to go somewhere and I can leave my son with her daughter ( my sons aunty ) at the house till she’s back.
Aunty hasn’t seen my son since January, I think I’ve spoke to her once since son was born. I did message her abit ago asking if she wanted to come to a spring fair with us but no response - so I did try.
But anyway I replied with -
I don't think I'd be comfortable to be honest, she hasn't seen him in a long time so I’d rather she did before I just left him. Let me know when you’re back if that’s easier ?

And now I’m getting shit from all directions.
My partner is saying I’m pathetic. Am I?
I don’t want to leave him with someone he doesn’t know and I don’t speak to- also baring in mind it’s mt last month of maternity I don’t even need to leave him I was only leaving him with his mum for a couple of hoes to keep peace ! I just feel like I’m being forced into something I don’t want to do.
I’ve text the aunty at the same time askinf f she’d like to do something soon. So I am trying - I just don’t want to leave him alone with her ? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:06

Oops* title should say he !

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 10/06/2019 11:09

Imo mil has told you loud and clear she doesn't want unsupervised contact with your dc. Accept and be very grateful - after some threads on here you really should be glad! Your dc will come to no harm not having the fairytale relationship you have in your mind for them..
Yanbu to not want to leave dc with strangers.

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:10

Speaking only on this one particular incident I think YABU.

She’s his auntie and he hadn’t seen MIL much before you wanted to leave him with her so I don’t think there’s a huge difference.

Honestly, I think you were being difficult because you’re annoyed with MIL.

However, the whole situation sounds ridiculous and i don’t know why you want your child around them if they’re that bad!

Your partner should be the one facilitating contact with his own family! If he can’t be bothered, you shouldn’t be either!

avocadoincident · 10/06/2019 11:10

Is leave everyone be rattled and be the calm person in the middle (easier said than done).
You are the mother of this child and you are in charge here. You have all the power so don't waste time or energy with their issues.

Just smile and say "that's how it is, I've made the decision" then change topic.

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:11

She does want unsupervised contact though she is expecting me to change my plans and drop her off when she wants- but when I’m asking for help she says no. I completely understand it’s her choice it is just frustrating because I look bad if I don’t comply with her wants.

OP posts:
Hanab · 10/06/2019 11:11

No .. trust is earned and you are trying to compromise ..

Apolloanddaphne · 10/06/2019 11:11

I think for me it would depend on what experience she has with small children. For example: Is she 19 with no childcare experience in which case no chance. Or is she 28 with 3 children of her own in which case your DS will probably be fine. I assume this is your OH's sister and it is also your OH's child so he should get some say in the matter.

avocadoincident · 10/06/2019 11:12
  • I'd
Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:13

She’s 21 no children. I understand she is his aunty. But my mums mum is her great grandma she’s an evil witch so I think a title is earned. I just feel uncomfortable leaving him with someone who he’s not seen in 6 months and I feel like I couldn’t even communicate with her to ask how he is. It’s my OH family yes. He is so hostile about it though and doesn’t understand why I’d be wary :(

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:14

Look bad to who, though? Why do you care about the opinion of people with whom you have nothing to do? People you don’t like, and who don’t like you?

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:15

To be honest I only care about upsetting my partner. He will be really pissed off with me and it isn’t worth the argument. I just feel forced into it and t isn’t fair because I have made effort trying to facilitate a relationship :(

OP posts:
goodwinter · 10/06/2019 11:15

OP it sounds a bit like the version of the relationship you have in mind between your MIL and your son is different than hers - what stood out is that in the last 6 weeks you've asked her to watch him 5 times. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but it could be that she wants to see your son and build up a relationship without having to take care of him, i.e. that she sees him while you're there. Could be a case of mismatched expectations?

blushmelikeyou · 10/06/2019 11:15

You've done nothing wrong. If your child's auntie or grandparent aren't making the effort I would stop trying OP. It's your OH's family let him sort it out.

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:16

I thought this too goodwinter , but she’s expected me to drop him off the first time she watched him and tomorrow and leave. She doesn’t want me there so I don’t think that’s the case x

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 10/06/2019 11:19

She’s 21 no children. I understand she is his aunty. But my mums mum is her great grandma she’s an evil witch so I think a title is earned.

@lochflower eh?? Your mum's mum is your DSIL great grandma?

Rumplestrumpet · 10/06/2019 11:20

This all seems a bit strange. You don't need childcare tomorrow, you're not asking for help, so why would you leave your child with the unknown auntie? Of course you're not unreasonable.
I think it does seem like MIL doesn't really want to help you out, it's a shame but not all grandparents are as helpful as we'd like.
I would say leave your partner to foster that relationship with his family, remain civil and don't pick fights with them.
And enjoy the last month of your mat leave Doug what you want to do rather than chasing after MIL.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 10/06/2019 11:21

My now exmil never had my dc alone. I also had grief for not allowing the SN teenage auntie to push ds around the streets in his pram! Gave zero fucks about their foot stamping tbh. Ds's safety was my priority.
Your mil is what I call fair weather gps. One who wants dgc hand delivered at their convenience only.

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:21

If your OH wants the baby to see his family then why isn’t he the one sorting it?

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:21

Haha oops. I meant my mums mum is my sons great grandma it means nothing. Think my minds scattered from the lastest sleep regression in our house Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:23

I just feel like it’s been taken very personally- whereas I was simply saying I didn’t feel comfortable because she hasn’t seen him in so long.
I even messaged aunty asking if she fancied going out with us this Saturday ( so it was clear my issue wasn’t with her ) and she hasn’t replied.
Part of me thinks jusy suck it up to save grief but I reallt don’t want to

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/06/2019 11:23

Why don't you rewind and try to initiate a proper relationship between your child and his grandma?

You say that's what you want and yet you only went round to see her 6 weeks ago, yet during that time, you've asked her 5 times to babysit?

I expect she feels that's all you want/are using her for?

Hence why she might've thought you'd be fine with your SIL babysitting?

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:25

I think that sounds worse than it is. I have asked her since my son was born. I’ve invited her round I’ve asked her to do things with us all.
And the 6 times I’ve asked- it was purely for her to see him and I made that clear- as in.. hi we have no plans tomororw if you’re off you’re welcome to take him for a walk or even come round for a brew etc. The only time I made it clear I needed the help was when I had a morning appointment

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/06/2019 11:27

Sorry OP. I got confused by this...

Not much has changed really, I’ve asked her on 5 different occasions would she watch him for an hour or so- there’s always been a reason why not. One was ‘ I don’t think I’ll be up at that time ‘ ( I had an appointment at 9.30)

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 11:28

Why are you avoiding answering about your OH in all of this?

Why isn’t he sorting visits?

Original poster
Lochflower · 10/06/2019 11:29

Sorry no it even sounds confusing reading it back. Basically as bad as it sounds I don’t need their help at all. I have looked after him everyday and I’m doing a great job- the only reason I’ve been asking is to facilitate that relationship ( mainly for my partner to keep him happy ) but this is just something I’m not comfortable with

OP posts: