To not leave my baby with someone she doesn’t know ? And I don’t speak to?

[Lochflower]

Have a young baby. 8 months. Relationship with MIL etc has been VERY strained. We’ve both been petty made mistakes etc but in short I was bitter I got offered no help when my son was born and she’s made no effort to see him.

But recently (6 weeks ago) I went round and told her I want to put everything behind us and I want my son to have a grandma. My mum passed away 3 years ago.
So she agreed. Not much has changed really, I’ve asked her on 5 different occasions would she watch him for an hour or so- there’s always been a reason why not. One was ‘ I don’t think I’ll be up at that time ‘ ( I had an appointment at 9.30)
But anyway in the last 6 weeks she ended up having him for an hour one day, this is the first time she’s had him alone. I was fine with this.
She asked me if she could see him tomrorow for abit - it is slightly annoying me that whenever I ask for help she is ‘ busy’ but I do feel forced to change my plans for her. Mainly to keep peace.

Fast forward to tomrorow she messaged me this morning saying she has to go somewhere and I can leave my son with her daughter ( my sons aunty ) at the house till she’s back.
Aunty hasn’t seen my son since January, I think I’ve spoke to her once since son was born. I did message her abit ago asking if she wanted to come to a spring fair with us but no response - so I did try.
But anyway I replied with -
I don't think I'd be comfortable to be honest, she hasn't seen him in a long time so I’d rather she did before I just left him. Let me know when you’re back if that’s easier ?

And now I’m getting shit from all directions.
My partner is saying I’m pathetic. Am I?
I don’t want to leave him with someone he doesn’t know and I don’t speak to- also baring in mind it’s mt last month of maternity I don’t even need to leave him I was only leaving him with his mum for a couple of hoes to keep peace ! I just feel like I’m being forced into something I don’t want to do.
I’ve text the aunty at the same time askinf f she’d like to do something soon. So I am trying - I just don’t want to leave him alone with her ? AIBU?

Stop asking Mil to have dc she doesn't want to.

Maybe go out together or go and see her but don't expect childcare.

You've asked her 5 times in a short period.

Stop asking

OP, I feel you are in an abusive relationship, and his family don't sound great either.

You don't have to do anything to facilitate a relationship, as pp has said MIL sounds like a "fairweather" GP.

And a relationship at all costs with a GP isn't necessary. I never met one GM, had little contact with that GM's widower, and I didn't miss any relationship.

You say you don't want to be alone, but you're clearly walking on eggshells and that is no way to live, for you or your child (been there, etc).

You'd be better off without this crap in your life, get rid of your partner and he can facilitate any contact on his time with the child. And if he's not on the BC, you can dictate how much or how little.

You’re happy leaving the baby with mil who doesn’t know the baby well but not with sil?

The MIL and SIL aren't equivalent, the MIL supposedly wants to see the baby on this occasion and in future, the SIL is just someone the baby is being palmed off on as a one-off emergency childcare because MIL can't stick to an arrangement she made for her own benefit.

Hi OP

To me, it sounds like you've bent over backwards to include her and she isn't fussed. To go to your partner and moan, when you've been flexible offering to drop him off at a different time, shows she doesnt actually care about having any kind of decent relationship with you. She cant wait to paint you as the bad guy.

A lot of people dont leave their kids with anyone for a lot longer. Mine are 4 and 18 months, and apart from nursery - where there is obviously a proper settling in period of a couple of weeks - they've only been left with grandparents and an aunt they see regularly. I think they would freak out with anyone else as they dont know any other adults well enough (the 4 year old not so much but 18 month old definitely)

I personally wouldn't leave my baby with someone they've never met unless he's super chilled as it's likely to be distressing for him, and it doesnt actually achieve anything in this case anyway! It doesn't solve any logistical problems (like if you had an appointment) - because there are none. All it would do is piss you off, probably upset your son, all to appease someone who is bullying you over something so pointless. Or if you really want to just say youd like to catch up with them all and stay with them.

But I think the bigger issue is the dynamic between you and your partner- that he is wanting you to do something that will upset you and your son just to shut his bullying mum up. And you're actually considering humouring him because you're scared he's going to leave again. Given hes the one that left you alone to cope with a newborn after a c section, he's the one that should be scared you dont want him back and doing everything he can to get things back on track, not relying on some implied threat of him walking out again to get you to tow the line - whether that's his intention or not it seems to be what's happening. Please think about this and how you can change it. Starting with letting him deal with his family or only seeing them when it suits you

Thanks for all the advice everyone.
The sister hasn’t replied to my texts nor has MIL, partner is pissed off And I simply can’t be bothered

@Lochflower oh op PLEASE tell them all to piss of, take yourself and DS for some nice dinner and turn your phone of it they start giving you shit TELL THEM STRAIGHT, This will never end till YOU stick up for yourself !! By the looks of things you've raised this baby alone... why are you letting other people have their opinion on his care??

message asking me to return a toy box she bought for baby’s room ( before partner left me ) as she wanted it at her house.

^^ I HATE this kind of person with a passion 🙄

@Lochflower my MIL disrespected me once and DH hasn't spoken to her since! That was 18 months ago!! You don't deserve this.

If he is SO bothered about MIL & SIL giving him shit tell him to block there number as its not your problem!!

He’s not bothered about them giving him shit. He’s bothered that I’ve caused an awkward situation and it’s all my fault apparntly

Can you pack up some of yours and your DS's stuff and leave whilst he's at work?

Have you got somewhere you can go?Or is the home your in now yours/his or is it shared?

You are in an abusive relationship not only with your partner but with his family as well!

I was in one of those relationships and the best thing I ever did was to get out and cut contact with all of them,I was pregnant with my 4TH DC when I did that so believe me you can get away from an abusive situation whilst you have a young child.

No I definitely can’t leave. I don’t want to either I want to make it work.
And to add to the fact my life would be made hell if I left. I can cope with what’s happening now

So the MIL turned up this evening. And I mean turned up out the blue.
She was shouting at me pointing at me in my own home. Telling me that the aunty has lost a baby and I should be compassionate - I said well firstly I think that’s awful to mention in regards to my DS I know it’s bad but it’s nothing to do with my son. And also that people could argue the other way that surely therefore aunty would have liked to make more effort with nephew.
MIL proceeded to tell me how it’s unfair I’m dictating who watches him and she is his grandma.
She then said so can I see him tomorrow still- I said I will drop him off about 10 she then started to tell me how it’s her day off she isn’t getting up early and she’s rather do afternoon.
Is 10 early ?!
I feel like shit.
surprisingly though my partner actually stood up for me, he said about how she was speaking to me and effort works both ways etc- however he still ended up apologising tk her ?!
She’s so aggressive and manipulative I don’t know how she managed it ?
I can’t even imagine going into someone’s home and shouting

Oh and she picked up some bibs for DS and then asked for £5 for them
I feel like I’m being pushed. But obviously handed over the fiver

Do not let them have the baby tomorrow! Full stop! She’s having a tantrum and is totally out of order. You are not in the wrong here x

Telling me that the aunty has lost a baby and I should be compassionate - I said well firstly I think that’s awful to mention in regards to my DS I know it’s bad but it’s nothing to do with my son.

This sounds quite flippant about someone’s loss.

Look, I understand what you are saying in part, but I think it’s bizarre that you didn’t see MIL for ages and then happily left your child in her care alone, but won’t do the same for the sister. It does sound like you are using your child slightly to gain power and status with your in-laws.

In reality, I would not allow them to have DS at all because they are now treating you badly (although some of this is a mess of your creating). But I can see that you are just going to go along with it anyway for an easy life so 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is coming from someone who was NC with MIL for a while so I do sympathise, and I had to build up a relationship again for the sake of my son but I did it much more slowly and appropriately - eg she doesn’t see him alone and initially my husband was always along too.

I don't think anyone advice will help you OP.

Listen, you’re being difficult now for the sake of it.

What difference does it make to you if it’s 10 or 1 If you have no other plans?

And you were cruel about SIL’s loss. Just because MIL is also wrong, doesn’t make you right!

You’re in a toxic situation but you refuse to leave it so your own behaviour is at times toxic.

What do you want from the thread? Nobody with a bit of sense will tell you anything other than you shouldn’t be with that man and around that family.

I wouldn't!! Your baby your choice. Don't be forced to do anything you are uncomfortable with! Don't feel bad about it.

I don’t think it matters how OP handled the “aunty baby loss” thing.... it’s irrelevant to this situation and MIL bringing it up is emotional blackmail. What the hell was she supposed to say to this woman who turned up at her house just to have a go. PP are right, there is no decent advice here, but I’d say keep ranting! Doesn’t look like you’ll get a decent amount of support at home so you need an outlet somewhere.

So you’re going to leave your child with a virtual stranger so not to upset your partner who left you when pregnant and only recently returned?

You’re being a doormat, OP and after her screaming at you tonight, you’re STILL dropping off your child with her tomorrow?

Why do you want to make an abusive relationship work? Will the DP make your life hell if you leave him? Do you need help? If so, please call Woman’s Aid, they can help you leave.

Your hatred stems from the fact you expect your mother in law to want to look after your child as per your requests.

Honestly, no one is required to look after your child as per your demand no matter what their relation to him/her.

You need to honestly get a grip on this. Hating and being petty towards someone over such a reason is immature, pathetic and ridiculous. I do not blame them for being angry with you if you've made issues over this and continuously been bitter, even your post is bitter.

Now, as I write this you've updated that you don't actually expect them to look after your child, so why is that what you have exactly said in your post? If what you originally stated is the honest truth then what I said above stands.

If you want to establish a relationship with the family all you can do is try, if they do not reciprocate then leave them to it. If you actively try and they never care, then you need not to try any further. Your child would benefit from having a nice family but if that family is not interested, then don't put him through the trouble.

As for your partner, I don't know the entire truth of your relationship but you shouldn't pander to him because you are scared of him leaving you. If he is making you do things you are uncomfortable with - stand up for yourself. Show him you're not a pushover, the more you allow him to treat you terribly, the more he will do it. Make your boundaries clear.

Perhaps push for a family meal or something with everyone together and suggest that to your partner so you can familiarise yourself with the family members? Your partner can see that you are making the effort, as once you get to know them things can change.

Good luck to you OP.

Your update has infuriated me about how much of a doormat you are. Nothing will ever change. Good luck with the future because boy your going to need it staying in this relationship.

Not being funny but you're moaning about a situation which you could change but you're choosing not to. Need to stand up for yourself! Why would you want your son to grow up seeing you being a doormat? Why would you even consider engaging with someone who comes to your house to rant at you!!

I'm finding your post a bit hypocritical. You say you want her to have a relationship with your child but it sounds like you immediately just wanted her to be babysitter while you had appointments?

You say you dont want to leave your baby 'with someone he doesnt know' but then at the beginning of your post you said you only JUST made up with MIL, and you immediately started asking her to watch your child without you there? Presumably if you only just made up, your son doesn't know her well either?!

I think you're being a bit of a hypocrite. Either you don't mind the child being left with a family member who he doesn't know, or you do mind. You can't just be like 'oh I want you to watch my son now because it suits me' and then when she offers to let her daughter watch your son, suddenly be like 'you didn't watch my son when I asked so now your daughter can't watch him when you're offering'. Yeah he doesn't know his aunt well but it sounds like he didn't know his grandmother well when you started asking her to babysit.

It sounds like you're being deliberately difficult and using your son as a weapon. It's quite controlling. If you don't want your son left with someone he doesn't know then maybe stop being angry with MIL when she doesn't babysit? You are sending mixed messages to them

Sorry, read that back and it's harsher than I intended.

I just mean it seems really weird and hypocritical that you made friends with MIL 6 week ago and presumably (you said she's been having your child for 6 weeks) immediately asked her to have him alone?

So don't you think you're sending mixed messages by suddenly acting like you won't want you son alone with someone he doesn't know well, when you immediately asked MIL to have him alone when it suited you?

You need to leave him. This won't get better.